A/N: Thank you to everyone who has filled my inbox with story alerts and such! This chapter is for Effemay who makes me feel like a much better writer than I actually am. ON THAT NOTE: please ignore the small spelling and grammar errors that I know lurk all over this chapter.
A/N:I said this chapter would be extra fluff. I lied. It is low~medium fluff. I feel like the ending however makes up for any lack of fluff leading up to that point. As a fair warning, the next chapter will most likely be the darkest one period. You will understand what is coming once you finish this chapter.
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of the characters in Glee. Sadly.
I've been alone
Surrounded by darkness
I've seen how heartless
The world can be
I've seen you crying
You felt like it's hopeless
I'll always do my best
To make you see
Baby, you're not alone
Cause you're here with me
And nothing's ever gonna bring us down
Kurt knew very well that people saw him as the damsel in distress, not the knight in shining armour. Kurt also knew that he did not care what people saw him as. Blaine was obviously trying so hard to be the knight, Kurt mused to himself. But here he was: sitting in the back seat of Blaine's car with a boy who was crying and shaking all over. It was time for Kurt to don the armour and saddle up on the horse; his damsel was definitely in distress.
"Blaine, I am not good with the...touching...but I am going to cuddle with you now, ok? You look like you need a good cuddle."
Kurt gulped, feeling a giant lump in his throat that he assumed was the materialized form of his fears. Just a month ago he would wince when anyone touched him. It was not fair, Kurt thought, he was not like this normally. He was still angry at Karofsky. It was because of him that he had put up this giant wall. But with Blaine, Kurt felt like that wall was finally ready to come down.
"S...S..." Blaine mumbled looking very frustrated that the words would not come out.
Kurt climbed into the back of the small vehicle and put his arms around Blaine ever so slowly. He let them run along Blaine's coarse uniform jacket and slide around to embrace Blaine at the shoulders. Then he slid the rest of his body in behind Blaine, forming a human blanket around his back. Kurt knew Blaine was having a full on Broadway Diva melt-down similar to the ones brought on by heroin or cocaine, but he could not shake that over-powering feeling of how wonderful it felt to hold the scared boy.
"Ssh. It's ok. You're not alone, Blaine."
"...OORY!" Blaine burst out, gasping for air. Kurt instantly felt Blaine's shoulder loosen up. He must have been trying to get out that word for some time now.
He was about to ask Blaine what exactly he was sorry for, but then realized how stupid of a question that actually was. On the one hand it was, of course, an apology for throwing Kurt's gift on the ground and acting like it was a bomb. But really, Kurt thought, it was not about that at all. He had seen just how hard Blaine tried to protect him. From all the 'wise gay mentor' advice to the actually physically driving down to Lima when called, he had been a perfect gentlemen; almost too perfect.
"It's ok. Don't worry" Kurt said, now slowing stroking Blaine's back with one of his hands. This caused Blaine to loosen up a great deal more. "You can lower your guard once in awhile. We all have baggage, Blaine. Were you even paying attention during Rent last weekend, or the weekend before that? Didn't you get the whole 'we are all fucked up' message? Even you, Mister, are not perfect."
Blaine had now grabbed Kurt's free hand and was gripping on to it like the handlebar of a roller coaster. "Yea" he said, very quietly "I think we have established the 'Blaine is fucked up' part. I would be a shoe in to be cast as Rodger." He was obviously starting to feel a bit better.
"Stop talking, you big idiot. I don't care" he paused, before softy singing "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine" into Blaine's ear.
Kurt knew they had to get back to class, but he decided some things were just more important that school attendance. Such as cuddling with very adorable, and very vulnerable, Dalton boys. Blaine had not seemed to mind in the least bit either. The two of them just sat in the back of the car as their hands explored various little bits and pieces of each other's bodies. The whole thing was very innocent, though. Both boys seemed to have a mutual understanding. This was strictly a comfort cuddle...for the most part.
Eventually, the boys managed to make it back to school. They had missed two classes, but arrived just in time for last period. For Kurt, this was French class - something he was already very good at. He used the class time ("free block" as he liked to call it) to sort through all the emotions bounding around in his head like an African wildlife stampede.
"I wonder why he tries so hard...why he thinks he has to protect me..." Kurt thought to himself. This was a question that kept coming back.
He thought, at first, it was just because Blaine was worried for him. Kurt knew his situation at McKinley had not been great and Blaine had seen it firsthand. But as bad as it was, Kurt knew he was stronger than it all. He had been fully prepared to fight it out at McKinley. Blaine knew this too and on more than one occasion had told Kurt that he was ten times as brave as he had been at his old school.
"No, it has to be something more than that..."
Another very attractive thought was that Blaine was doing this all out of Love. Kurt would get stuck on this idea for quite a long time. He had to be honest; some of the flirting the two boys had exchanged was in no way "subtle". Wes had given them quite a few knowing looks during their Warbler rehearsals. Kurt had even overhead David saying to Blaine "Dude...'Your lips look delicious'? Get a room" after they had practiced Baby It's Cold Outside one week.
"Blaine would not be going all 'Mamma Bear' on me out of some kind of strange, warped idea of love. He has his songs to express all that...and I do think he might...love me...but this is something else. But what is it..."
The bell rang. Kurt snapped back out of his head and quickly copied the assignment off the board. Thoughts of Blaine had not left his head once the entire class and they were not about to now. All he could think about was "I wonder if Blaine made it through class ok" and "I hope Blaine is doing better now" but most of all..."Why the hell does that boy hate Hairspray so much?"
He walked down the hall at a very quick pace, trying to get to Blaine's dorm before Blaine. He knew the boy usually hung around his classroom for a few minutes after class to socialize, so he only had a little bit of time. Kurt had a plan, and that plan involved breaking and entering.
Blaine knew everything – everything – about Kurt, deeming it necessary if we was to 'help Kurt with his problems'. Well, it was Kurt's turn to help Blaine, so he would have to do the same. Somehow he doubted the 'dazzling eyes and charming smile' technique Blaine had used would work in reverse, so he figured using a little 'Bonnie and Clyde' technique would have to do.
"Damn, Kurt. Just sit back, relax and enjoy the ride! This boy wants to sweep you off your feet! Show you the world! All that romantic crap from the old movies."
He remembered the phone conversation he had with Mercedes just a few days ago. This was right around the time Kurt was starting to doubt the perfectness of his Prince Charming. He told her about the "barbie doll smile" and the way Blaine became a different person while he sang. To Kurt, it was cause for an impromptu phone call to his best friend. However, the direction of the conversation had started to...shift...
"Mercedes, did you ever think that perhaps I am not Princess Jasmine? Maybe I am the one with the ugly flying carpet and annoying monkey. I can be the feet sweeper you know!"
"Please. Kurt, everyone knows that this Blaine boy is your boo. Let him do the wooing. You just have to sit back and look fabulous like always!"
"Are you even listening to me? Why does everyone just assume I am going to sit on my ass and wait for a man! I am not some freaking princess who needs saving!"
"Oh, so I suppose him 'saving' you from the big bad bully at McKinley means nothing then, right?"
That was the exact moment that Kurt had hung up on her. They had not spoken since. He was not going to listen to other people tell him who he was. Blaine needed saving and he was sure of it. Kurt could read Blaine like a book, and it was starting to read like a tragedy.
When he got to Blaine's dorm no one was around. Kurt sighed in relief and, with one final glance around the hallway, started to work. He reached into various parts of his clothing and body and pulled out several bobby pins from hidden locations. It was a talent Kurt was quite proud of. Just like when he used to break into the craft supply room at McKinley, he easily un-locked the door.
"Wow..." he said, sniffing the air "...it still smells just like him."
Kurt knew he was short on time before Blaine caught him red handed, but he could not help take a quick dive into the boy's bed. It had not been made from the night before and a faint out-line of where the boy must have slept was still visible. Kurt just lay where he knew Blaine once was and closed his eyes. It felt perfect.
"O-ok. Searching for hidden bits of Blaine's troubled past. Perhaps a ticket stub from a Hairspray performance starring Matthew Morrison. That ought to have done it..." Kurt mumbled as he got off the bed.
He felt like a kid in a toy shop. Every drawer held a new surprise. Kurt found a beat up acoustic guitar in the closet, a well-read harry potter book in the bed side table, and a pair of far-too-pink pink sunglasses under the bed that Kurt felt should forever be trapped in a Legally Blonde movie. It was like the mystery that is Blaine was being unravelled one strand at a time.
Then Kurt found was he was looking for. A diary. He sat down on the bed as he held it. The small book was black and, like harry potter, seemed to have been used a lot. There was no lock on it, but Kurt felt much worse about opening this than he did about breaking in. He was not sure if he wanted to do this. Snooping was one thing, but a diary...it felt very wrong.
"This...this is not some little girl's diary about cute guys and hormones. Blaine needs help, he just does not know it" Kurt tried to ration with himself. "My help."
Finally, Kurt opened the book. The first page was dated about two years ago. It was too late for him to turn back now, so he decided to read on...
Dear Diary,
I wish I had someone who would listen to me. Someone who would know me – the real me – and not judge me for it. But I don't have someone like that, not even a dog or a goldfish. Somehow though, I'm afraid even you will judge me. Heck, even simple paper is worth more than I am. They charge us ten cents a page for you at school. Me? I am not worth a single cent.
Kurt could not believe what he was reading. He had always been able to somewhat see into that thick head of Blaine's, but this was different. The person writing this did not seem like the Blaine he knew at all – but in another way it very clearly was Blaine, from the first letter on. Kurt could not help himself now. He had to keep reading.
...Every night since I was eleven I have prayed to God to change me. I tried everything. I even bargained with him. "God, if you take away these feelings, I will go to church twice a week". It didn't work. "God, just take away these feelings. You can even make me blind or deaf or mute in return, whatever you want to take". That didn't work either. Then I heard about baptism. It was supposed to fix it. Every night I would try and wash away the feelings with water. Every night I would be the same. I just want these feelings to go away. I just want to be normal.
Kurt was now crying, evident by the small tear stain that fell on the word 'water' as he read. It was so hard for Kurt to understand what Blaine must have felt like. Kurt was not religious, so he had never blamed or turned to God when he was struggling with his sexuality. He felt...sad...for Blaine. It was obvious how much he hated himself. Blaine never even used the word 'gay' once. This was almost unbearable for Kurt to read, so he skipped a couple pages and read a different date.
Three more days to the next weekend. Four more weeks to the next holiday. Seven more months till the next summer break. Four more years till I am free. Three more days to the next weekend. Four more weeks to the next holiday. Seven more months till the next summer break. Four more years till I am free. Three more days to the next weekend. Four more weeks to the next holiday. Seven more months till the next summer break. Four more years till I am free. Three more days to the next weekend. Four more weeks to the next holiday. Seven more months till the next summer break. Four more years till I am free.
Kurt was stunned. The entire page was the same four lines written over and over. It looked like some kind of a cruel punishment to Kurt. The words started to all blend together as he let his eyes roll down the page and take in the magnitude of what Blaine had written. But as he focused on just one of the sentences, it started to look different. 'Till I am free' seemed very ominous but almost hopeful to Kurt.
"Four years? What happens in four years?" Kurt mumbled to himself as he looked through the other pages.
Some pages were like the first, pieces of Blaine's soul on the paper for Kurt to see, but many more were just numbers and dates written out in an endless fashion. The latter were hard for Kurt to read and he felt a pain in his heart as he looked at them. Skipping to another diary entry, he read on...
Dear Diary,
Today will be the last time I write in you.
Already something about this entry alarmed Kurt. He quickly read on, knowing he did not have much more time.
It's never getting better. I know that now. I thought I could find my reason for living in time, but I didn't. It's never getting better. Today will be the last day I count. I have reached the end. I don't want these feelings a single day longer. It was the first performance of Hairspray today. Mrs. Tebbit told me it was going to be fine. She told me everything would be "most excellent" with that deceiving smile of hers. And then she left me. I can't believe one performance could go so horribly, horribly wrong...
"W-what are you doing with that!" yelled Blaine.
He ran over to Kurt, grabbed the book and threw it into the closet Kurt had been rummaging through. Using his entire body, he slammed the closet door shut and slowly slid down the down it to the ground.
He was not yelling anymore and coolly asked "How much did you read?" without looking up at Kurt.
Kurt was regretting ever thinking of his stupid breaking and entering plan now. His biggest fear may have just been realized: Blaine hating him. It was a fear that constantly plagued his mind. He could not bear the thought of loosing this boy.
"I'm not mad, Kurt. I'm just..." Blaine started to say.
The second Blaine had muttered the words 'not mad', Kurt had lunged off the bed and fell on top of Blaine, holding him in a tight embrace. He was crying into Blaine's shoulder.
"I'm so, so sorry Blaine. I'm sorry for everything. The breaking in, the reading you diary, and everything...y-you had to go through."
"Kurt, how much did you read?"
"I was just starting the day of your first, er, Hairspray performance."
Blaine let out the biggest sigh of relief Kurt had ever heard. It was obvious something had happened that day, something bad, that Blaine did not want him knowing about.
"Ok. I just...didn't want you to ever have to find out about...things..."
"But Blaine, you have to tell me these things! I don't want to gift you World War III next time I go to pick out a musical for you" Kurt laughed quietly, wiping away some tears. He was not sure if humour was going to get Blaine to open up but it was worth a shot.
"When I said things were bad at my old school...I was not exactly telling the truth. I'm so, so sorry Kurt" Blaine said, started to cry. "I should have told you, but...but the truth is I am just a big fake. I wanted to be there for you like no one ever was for me, but I am the last person in the world who should be trying to fix someone else's problems. K-Kurt...I tried to...that night...I tried...I want-...I..."
But Blaine could not talk anymore. Kurt didn't know exactly how he did it, but all he saw in front of him was a boy who really needed to be loved. So he kissed him. It was not exactly romantic or sexy, but he slowly touched his lips against the blubbering boys and let his body do the rest.
"...Kurt, I...I..." Blaine continued to blubber, shocked by the sudden kiss.
Kurt just took the boys hand in his and locked their fingers together. He looked intently at Blaine, who was starting to blush a bright red. This calmed down the boy who stopped trying to talk. Now he just looked...scared.
"You are not alone. You are here with me" Kurt started to say in a very strong voice. "I know how hopeless you felt. I know how many tears you must have shed. And I know you have a lot of baggage. Blaine..."
"Kurt..."
"...I love you."
Blaine instantly let go of Kurt's hand. His moth was wide open and his heart was obviously racing. Kurt was starting to worry that his taking charge was a horrible, horrible idea. This thought did not last for long however, as this time Blaine reached over and kissed Kurt. It was much more romantic the second time. They embraced each other, pulling their bodies in close. The kiss lasted twice as long this time and left both the boys gasping for air.
"I love you, too."
Kurt wanted to melt on the spot. It was everything he had been hoping to hear since the first day they met. For that brief moment, all the questions that plagued his mind about the small, black diary had vanished. It only took a second of their lips being apart for these questions to all rush back in at once.
"But you never did...I mean...you are still here...but Hairspray..."
"I'm not ready to talk about that day just yet..."
"But did you ever find your reason?"
At this question, Blaine started to blush. He went to open his mouth, but stopped. Looking around nervously, the room fell silent. Kurt was getting anxious and was about to repeat his question when Blaine finally piped up.
"You are my reason."
Opening the closet, he grabbed out the small black book. Kurt looked worried, still afraid of what was inside, but Blaine just nodded his head and opened to a page near the end of the diary. He handed it over to Kurt who started to read it.
Dear Diary,
Today I met him. My reason. His name is Kurt Hummel. I didn't quite know at first, but when I saw him smile...I knew. He is not like any boy I have ever met. There are a lot of cute boys at Dalton, and even a lot of gay ones, but something about Kurt is different. It's crazy - but Mrs. Tebbit was right. Every breath I take is a little sweeter now. I can't even wait to wake up tomorrow, because I know when I do there will be a chance I can see or talk to or even just think about Kurt. Everything is different now. Nothing will ever be the same. I think I can finally stop counting towards the unknown. Starting now, I count away from this day. I have known Kurt Hummel for one day. I can't wait to make that two.
Kurt looked up at Blaine, shocked. He could not believe it. He wanted to say something, but he didn't know what. Nothing seemed appropriate after what he had just read.
"One month, one week and two days. That is how long I have known you for, Kurt Hummel. And I can't wait to make that one month, one week and three days."
A/N: I hope the end makes up for any sadness caused up to this point? Sorry for the long(er) wait for this chapter! Christmas and all. Anyways, the next chapter will come in 1-2 days I hope. It will be very (very) angst heavy. I am thinking of adding a small summary of it in the next Kurt POV for those who want to skip it. Let me know, as always, what you think! Reviews are my personal drug~
