Dagger Collector

Chapter 4: Addictions Are Never Cures

Wednesday and Thursday of course disappeared and vanished in a blink of an eye. The dreaded Friday morning with Double Potions session came and Jadis could not ease her churning stomach. She wanted to die before having to go to Potions, she truly did fear what Snape was going to do to her as he certainly could be a sadistic bastard. A sadistic bastard you fell for.

"Jeez Jadis, you look paler than Binns," Matt said as he, Jadis and Pamela made their way towards Potions together. Binns had willingly accepted her story that she was sick and went straight for her dorm and stayed there the whole day when she walked into his class on Thursday. She was happy she didn't have detention.

However, as she made her way towards the Dungeons, she thought about how she couldn't let this control her, or else she was going to ruin herself. She needed to put a stop to the emotional upheavals that she was allowing to tear through her life like hurricanes that uprooted her. She couldn't be missing any classes, not when NEWTs where at the end of the year. It's going to stop one way or another!

For the most part she ignored Snape to keep from breaking down during her Potions lesson that morning. Strangely enough, he didn't so much as really even look at her and she put all of her concentration on her potion. She thought that perhaps Snape wasn't going to do something to her. That he really was over it and that he wasn't going to hold a grudge because of the black-mailing thing. It was of course a very foolish hope, because Snape had found the perfect, most hurtful way to torture her and he'd been attentive all period to his perfect opening.

The moment came when there were about five minutes left to class when Matt reached over to Jadis and said, "I'm going to borrow this." Jadis snapped her head up as she watched Matt reach over and grab her cutting knife. It was a butterfly knife with black metal handles that were intricately designed with red roses. The sharp blade was very pointed and made of stainless steel. When flipped open, the knife made a small ringing sound through the air.

Her eyes widened as if he'd just grasped onto her soul and molested it. The distraction was enough to nearly drop the ingredients she was holding over her cauldron in before it was time. However, before she could do anything, either reach for her knife or drop the ingredients, a large hand with long fingers clamped around her right fist gently but firmly.

"Careful," a velvety soft voice murmured in warning near her ear, causing her to shiver. She could feel his presence standing very close to her side, and could feel the heat radiating from his body. The warmth of his hands, holding onto her forever cold one's made her close her eyes in bliss for a nano-second before she realized the hand belonged to the man that had broken her hear. "Where is your head, Jadis?"

Jadis shivered at the sound of her name in his voice and slowly turned to look at the Potions Master. He was staring down at her with his smoldering black eyes, a small smile that she was sure he'd only ever let her see as playing on his lips, causing her mind to reel. Memories of the night they slept together flooding into her head and causing her eyes to tear as she looked at him questioningly.

Severus sneered as he placed her right hand down on the table and his eyes suddenly became cold. "You're so weak Jadis, you are pathetic," he said so very low that no one else heard. He then swished his hand over her Potion, causing it to vanish as the bell rand and he walked away. Jadis stared after him, eyes wide as saucers as the tears continued to accumulate. How could he be so cruel?

---

Jadis fell on her knees in front of her trunk. It had taken a moment for her to react and pack up her things and leave his classroom. She had to hurtle through the hallway, through Slytherin and to her dorm to be able to break down. She ran her hands through her hair as she leaned her head against the edge of her trunk, yanking them out of the sloppy bun she had tied her hair in.

She furiously wiped the tears away from her face. I'm NOT WEAK! Her brain yelled as she punched her trunk several times, bruising her knuckles and cracking the skin on one of them. But she didn't care, she couldn't feel the pain. Managing to calm down the rage within her she panted for breath as the tears continued to slide down her cheeks.

She through open her trunk furiously. She rummaged through it as she kept rubbing furiously away at the tears that were leaking from her eyes, reaching to the bottom right corner from which she pulled a small , intricately designed chest made of ebony wood, decorated with ivory vines.

Carefully, she opened the lid and inside the darkness of the box revealed a black towel, black bandages, a couple of her favorite knives, a couple phials of potions, and about five fags, or what appeared to be fags but were really an invention that she'd transfigured to look like muggle cigarettes. She stared at the insides of her black chest, wondering what she should use to numb the pain.

She stuck in her hands and fingered the long thin cigarettes for a moment, however, instead reached out for the black Katana knife, black towel, aphial of potion and black bandages. She had Defense Against the Dark Arts next and could not afford to be beneath the influence of that particular concoction.

Jadis looked up as she heard the soft padding feet of Neji. She looked over at her cat and could see that it was staring at her with its large yellow eyes as he hissed at her. "I know it really won't make it go away permanently Neji, but it's an emergency, it has to go away right now," she said to the cat, remembering the first several weeks of her summer and how she'd either spent them sleeping, cutting or smoking her invention.

The pain always came back more painful when she was back to normal and finally she decided that it wasn't helping. That she was better off trying to suffer through the pain and crying herself to sleep every night, than putting off the pain. She'd gotten better over the summer, to the point were she could at least smile, that she started to talk again and to eat. Perhaps she hadn't gotten over him completely, but she wasn't in complete ruin as she'd been in the very beginning.

She pushed her robes' sleeve back and slowly removed the white ribbon that was wrapped around her left arm and stared down at the wrist, staring at the long single scar that traced her vein from the very top of her wrist to about mid forearm. There was another knick near the top of her wrist were she had accidentally cut herself the first time, when she hadn't planned it out.

For a moment, she stared at the white scar, she always made sure the vein surfaced and to cut along the same route she always did. It was a reason she took such very good care of her knives, made sure that they were sharp. She also always made sure to never cut very deep. The scar was actually deeper around the wrist and became shallower as it reached her forearm.

Jadis dropped the ribbon into the wooden chest and picked up the black Katana. The handle was made of cherry wood, but was designed with a tight black rope wrapped around it so that the handle appeared to be black with red here and there. She unsheathed the stainless steel blade and laid it on the floor as she pulled out her wand and pointed it to her vein.

Soon as it popped up she reached for the knife and with skilled precision cut along the white scar, over the vein. Ruby liquid started to poor as she felt blood suddenly trickling down her arm and the pain of her skin breaking. She shivered slightly as she dropped the knife onto the floor and closed her eyes in the rush. She felt alive, as the pain left and all she could feel was the rushing of the blood, the fast beat of her heart, which only pumped more blood out of her. When wooziness started to slip into her head she picked up the black towel and placed pressure on the long wound.

She didn't heal herself magically, that took away from it. When she was sure that most of the bleeding was beginning to cease, she tightly wrapped around the black bandage around her arm, making sure to put enough pressure to completely stop any leaking. Once her arm was bandaged she slid her sleeve back down, and she proceeded to clean up the knife and put it away in her chest.

Pulling the glass phial she'd pulled out earlier from her lips, she uncorced it and brought it to her lips, taking a sip before stoppering it and placing it back into the chest neatly. The Potion was supposed to help speed up the process of recreating blood cells and would keep her from fainting. She then closed the chest and once more tucked it away into the deepest part of her trunk.

Sighing she closed her trunk and sat on it. Neji walked over slowly and jumped onto her lap, resting his head on it and allowing her to stroke his head. "Neji, next Friday I'm going to have to experiment and see what happens if I take a fag before having to deal with Snape in Double Potions. I can't go through another day like this," Jadis said, her voice trembling only slightly, but she was far too tired to feel anything else.

---

"Where did you disappear to after Potions?" Matt asked his friend in Defense Against the Dark Arts after Lupin had allowed everyone to practice trying to make a Patronous Charm. Random groups of seventh years were scattered about the room, each trying to perform a Patronous charm.

Jadis merely sat on her desk, looking on as Matt and Pamela each tried to make their Patronous. She didn't have the energy to make a Patronous and deal with the emotional after-math, besides she didn't see the point of why she should try if she had already created a successful one. Something that everyone seemed to be having trouble with, she noted as she cast a brief glance around the classroom.

"Are you all right Jadis, you kind of just took off," Jadis turned to look at the mean blonde girl with blue eyes. Pam is weak, I'm not like Pam. I'm not weak, her brain continued to reassure her, still feeling a bit shaken that she had freaked out so much after the incident.

"I'm fine Pam, thanks, I needed to check up on Neji, I forgot to feed him this morning," she lied. She hadn't bothered to put her hair back up into a pony-tail, mostly it was so she could take attention away from the fact that her eyes were slightly red-rimmed. She ran her hand lightly through her silky tresses as she cast a glance around the room.

Every now and then, you spotted someone who momentarily shot a wisp of light out of the tip of their wand, or a long emission of light, but nothing to the likes of what she'd produced her first time. Jadis wasn't particularly impressed with the fact that she'd been able to do it, she was unsure if anyone had ever loved as she had loved him. Besides, the pain it had cost her hardly seemed worth the feat.

"How are you doing over here?" Lupin asked as he walked over to the three Slytherins, casting a brief glance at Jadis, who didn't even turn to look at him. Once more she had that far away look in her eyes, though the expression on her face was darkly serious and clouded, not it's usual serene and pensive. She strangely enough had her hair lose and it fell on either side of her face, creating curtains that were hard to see through when she was turned away.

"Jadis is distracting us and not allowing us to pay attention," Matt replied with a shrug. Lupin turned to look at the blonde Slytherin and smiled lightly, he was certainly going to be the class clown of his seventh years. "Been telling us naughty stories about Snape and Hooch's broom closet," he said, wiggling his blonde brows.

Remus chuckled lightly as he turned his gaze slowly over to Jadis, whom despite her mood allowed a smile to slip onto her face. I'm not going to allow Snape to ruin my Friday, she thought defiantly as she turned around to look at Lupin with a full smile gracing her lips. "And then Snape said to Hooch in that lazy drawl of his," Jadis started out. Hey I'm at least allowed to poke fun of the man without feeling pain! "That'snot a broom handle," she said, imitating his drawl and arching a sleek black brow.

Remus and Matt both chuckled at this while Pamela blushed lightly and giggled behind her hand. "Excellent Jadis, and here I thought you were gonna be a git all afternoon," Matt said as he gestured for her to slap hands with him. Jadis rolled her eyes and instead of hi-fiving him she punched him in the hand, only to jerk her hand away and glare down at it. A blush due to her own stupidity came over her cheeks. She'd forgotten she'd busted her fist.

"Well now that Jadis has finished her anecdote, perhaps you and Pamela can get to work," Remus suggested. Matt groaned but did as the Professor bid. Remus found that Pam, Jadis and Matt were the only Slytherins he'd met so far that he kind of liked. Remus turned his gaze then to Jadis and walked over. "Are you all right?" he asked as he noted that she'd winced when she'd punched Matt in the palm.

"I accidentally banged my fist in my trunk during lunch," she lied as Remus reached out his hand to study her fist, his brow furrowed in mild-concern.

"Are your hands always this cold?" he asked as he held her fingers curled around his and pulled her fist up to closer inspection. Jadis didn't like it that he was studying her wounds so closely, but she was fond enough of Remus to not want to feel rude by snatching her hand away when he was only trying to be helpful.

He smiled when he noted that the black nail polish on her fingernails was chipping. She had very pale hands and her knuckle bones were small, thin and protruded quite sharply. However, he liked her hands, her fingers, despite being numbingly cold were very soft. He liked that she had long fingers and he guessed that they came in handy when she was making her potions, he assumed however, that they had to be nimble for that to be true. After all he had long fingers as well, but he was crap at Potions.

"Ever thought that perhaps your hands are too warm?" Jadis asked with a smile and a raised brow. Lupin didn't notice as he stared at the scratches on her knuckles and noted how they were a light purple color, almost lilac. He pulled a small vial of dittany with his free hand from his pocket and placed trace amounts of it on her of Snape, who was sure he'd have many uses for it over the year.

Remus had large hands, something that Jadis had to notice as they nearly fully seemed to engulf hers, despite her long digits. They were also very rough and full with calluses, which she supposed was only right when it came to a man. However, his touch was very gentle. And his hands did indeed feel quite warm against her skin and made her skin tingle.

"Perhaps it's both," Remus said, smiling up at her gently and letting go of her hand. "Why are you not trying your Patronous again?"

Jadis stared at him for a moment, before answering. "Because I'm lazy, I'd rather not have to go into the whole relieving a happy memory thing," Jadis responded lazily with a shrug of her thin shoulders.

"In general, once you've already conjured it up, you don't necessarily have to relive the whole moment all over again afterwards. Try it, just say the words and mean it," Remus said to Jadis, gently, not challenging her but encouraging her as a student. Jadis sighed as she pulled her wand out of her pocket and extended her arm.

She cleared her head of her thoughts and thought about her objective, creating the Patronous and recalling momentarily the happy moment. "Expecto Patronum," she said, the brilliant light once more shown out of her wand before turning into a large wolf. Jadis raised a brow. That was amazingly simple and no break down.

"You see," Remus said.

"But it's not the same with a Dementor around. It's harder than, much harder, isn't it? I mean they make you relive your worst moment," Jadis said, looking over at Lupin.

"If you let them," he responded. "But if you could pull away from it, concentrate long enough on the happy memory hold onto it and call onto your Patronous, then you'll be fine. But yes, considerably difficult. However, for a determined Slytherin such as yourself, I'm sure you can set your mind to do whatever you want," Remus smiled at her.

Jadis smiled briefly before it turned bitter and she had to look down at her hands. "Unless your worst moments were crippling," Jadis responded softly that Remus almost didn't catch it. She shook her head thinking, it wasn't going to get to her. She smiled and looked up at Remus, her eyes sparkling. "No… anything can be remedied with laughter," she said, before discreetly pointing her wand at Matt, who fell over and caused her to burst laughing.

"Bugger Jadis! I was almost getting there," he said as he tried to disentangle himself from the floor. Remus shook his head as he walked away from the group. This would certainly be an interesting year.

TBC…

A/n: All righty, another chapter and hopefully I'll get some feedback to know if anyone actually likes this story.