Disclaimer: not mine.

Author's Notes: ZZzzzzzzzz… Zzzzzzzzzzz…

Warnings: Angst. Distorted grammar. Angst. Distorted grammar.

So you are dead…

The easy words contain

No sense of loss, no sorrow, no despair.

Thus hunger, thirst, fatigue…

Combine to drain all feelings from our hearts.

The endless glare, the brutal heat

Anaesthetize the mind.

I cannot mourn you now…

I lift my load,

The suffering column moves.

I leave behind

Only another corpse

Beside the road…

Lt. Henry G. Lee

.

.

.

"He's dead. Dead on the spot. Causes are severe head injuries, tissue damages and… and his body was totally wrecked… I suggest cremation. It would not be... uhm proper… to have him in casket…"

Kanda's world momentarily stopped. Everything stopped moving. That Lavi is dead… He stared at the body lying on the metal table covered in white sheet. He's dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.

Kanda didn't dare to move from where he was standing, his feet was frozen on the floor. His body was shaking – he figured that it was from shock and from utter disbelief that something like this would happen to Lavi. He was so cheerful. He's obnoxious, yes, but he's a good, kind and happy man.

Lenalee was crying silently at the other side of the room. She was a family friend – a close friend of Lavi and Allen. She was the last one who heard the news because Kanda didn't bothered calling her. She probably heard the news from their neighbours, Kanda didn't particularly care.

"The other boy miraculously survived. I take it that he's also a family? He got a few minor injuries but nothing life-threatening. However, he is still under observation for a whole week, mainly to see what the other injuries he acquired in the accident are. I suggest that you let him rest for a whole month and… do not tell him what happened to his companion. It will be… outright devastating for him. That will hinder his recovery. "

Kanda's head was spinning as the doctor explained things to him. He didn't care though. He was feeling nauseous from the natural smell of the facilities in the hospital. He wanted to go home and rest and sleep. Leave everything and be gone forever. Lavi was dead.

"By the way, what was your relationship to the victim? We need to know for the documentation and such."

Kanda didn't bothered replying. He was not hearing him properly anyway.

"Sir?"

Lenalee rose to her seat and walked towards the two of them. Her eyes still puffy and red from non-stop crying, she tried to calm herself and cleared his throat then answered the doctor who was now staring at her and Kanda in a very peculiar way. "Lavi was… Kanda's older brother."

Kanda flinched at the words through his hazy mind.

Yeah. He lost the last person on this fetid, iniquitous world who shared the same blood as him, truly cared for him and the same rotten fate as him.

Lavi. His only brother.

He reached the nearby chair and horridly slammed it to the cold floor.

.

.

.

The doctor sat at his swivel chair and gathered all the necessary documents for a young man named Lavi Bookman. He was utterly curious at the information written on the man's birth certificate. According to it, Lavi Bookman was the only child of an aristocrat couple that was killed fourteen years ago in a brutal car accident too; however, the kid was using the last name of his mother's name, 'Bookman'. Why not 'Kanda', the father's last name? It should be that way, right?

The doctor blinked upon seeing the information on 'siblings' part where it was clearly stated that Lavi Bookman was an only child. Didn't the woman outside said that that Kanda was Mr. Bookman's brother?

What does that mean?

The doctor slowly put down the papers and gently massaged his throbbing head.

.

.

.

Kanda gently tapped the steering wheel of his car as he waited for the traffic light to turn to green. He was heading to the hospital now to check if a certain someone stopped there. It's part of his routine that he do every thrice a week – everyone at the hospital must have known him by now because of his daily visits to the place. But Kanda never felt himself getting tired. Not at all.

A familiar doctor was walking down the fourth floor of the fifteen-floor building and bowed to him. Kanda exactly did the same as he continued to walk towards his destination.

He slowly knocked at the white door and after a few second, the door swung open, revealing a kind-looking doctor that happened to be the exact doctor who had been entrusted of Lavi Bookman's accident case a year ago.

"Doctor." Kanda bowed and walked to the nearest chair and sat.

The doctor eyed the long-haired man as he sat in front of his desk. "How's it going Kanda-san?" He said as he gathered the scattered papers around his desk.

"Nothing new. How about here?"

The doctor momentarily stopped as he gazed to the expectant young man in front of him. He was hoping that Kanda wouldn't be here today. The process was slowly eating the doctor's heart away as he watched the young man wasting his time searching for someone who might be already dead by now. But of course, he wouldn't say that – not in front of Kanda.

"The same, I guess." He sat in his chair. "How about you?"

Kanda shifted his gazed through the papers scattered in the left side of the doctor's table. "Still the same."

"You still haven't seen him? Do you have any leads? His other relatives perhaps? How about abroad? Surely there must be someone that knows Allen." His voice silently cracked upon speaking Allen's name.

Kanda gently shook his head. "He's completely alone. No relatives whatsoever. No one." And gritted his teeth afterwards.

The doctor closed his eyes and sighed. "Then that will be troublesome then. Really troublesome."

Kanda gritted his teeth more ferociously. "Maybe there's something you missed. Maybe he's not really… that he's okay and, and…" Kanda couldn't just continue. He swallowed and looked up in the white ceiling of the room, closing his eyes. "He's fine, I know. He should be fine, doctor. I don't know what I would do if he's not and, and… fuck." Kanda stood and rushed to the door without sparing the doctor a single glance. He stopped though when reach the doorknob and spoke his face facing the door. "I wouldn't forgive myself if something happened to him." He closed the door.

The doctor's eyes lingered on the close door and sighed once again.

Then you should find him right away, Kanda. Before something irreversible happened. Something that might separate the two of you forever.

.

.

.

Kanda was walking down the stairs. He didn't use the elevator. He didn't want to walk right now but chances are, there are many people riding the elevator right now and that's the last thing he wanted. He just wanted to be alone. He looked at his wrist watch – it's already four in the afternoon. Another day had passed again yet still didn't have any idea where was Allen. He was walking and before he knew it, he already reached the fourth floor then something, no, someone caught his eyes. A familiar white haired boy was standing in the front of a room in the middle of the hallway. He was wearing a whitish hospital gown, clutching a painfully familiar yellow golem stuff toy into his cradle.

"A-allen…?" Kanda huffed and tears were already making their way out of his eyes.

Kanda walked slowly through the image, afraid of losing it. Then he heard a loud banging inside the room where Allen was standing.

Kanda stopped.

He saw Allen flinched as he also heard the loud noise and slowly turned the knob of the door, opening it. Kanda slowly resume his walking, now a lot faster.

Allen entered the room but he unconsciously left the door opened, giving Kanda a chance to see what was happening inside.

His mouth widened in disbelief as stared at the two people trying to restrain a long-haired young man thrashing and widely throwing things in different direction.

Kanda's eyes darted to Allen's and he didn't like what he saw.

He's crying.

From all his life, all he ever did to Allen was to make him cry…

His eyes looked back at the three people inside and he swallowed hard.

"Let me go! Go fuck yourselves and leave me alone!"

"Kanda! Stop it!"

"Mister, please don't cause a commotion here! There are patients at the other room and –"

"I don't fucking care about them! Those fucking people don't even know anything! You don't know anything!"

Kanda stood there utterly frozen. He felt his insides becoming numb as he watched the scene happening right in front of him.

"K-kanda…"

Kanda heard Allen spoke through his tears and he saw him slowly turned his head to the white-haired kid – hatred was imminent in his eyes. Kanda swallowed as he clenched his fist. "No…"

"You…" Kanda stopped his struggling and stared devilishly to the trembling and crying kid in front of them. "Why are you alive?"

Lenalee snapped at him. "Kanda!"

But Kanda didn't listen to him. "Why are you alive? Why the fuck are you alive and Lavi is dead? WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ALIVE AND LAVI IS DEAD?"

"STOP IT, KANDA!" Lenalee shouted.

Allen froze.

"Why the fuck are you alive? Tell me? Why Lavi died?"

Lenalee tried to make Allen leave but the boy just remained there, absorbing all the words of Kanda.

Then the shouting stopped.

Lenalee and the doctor thought it was the end of it. That the long-haired man would now snap out of it.

Then they heard him spoke again – much colder this time.

"Lavi should be the one alive. Not you. Why aren't you the one who died?"

"Stop it, Kanda!" Lenalee tried to stop the words from flowing from Kanda's mouth. But he just simply brushed it aside.

Allen's eyes were wide and visibly flinching and trembling to the harsh words.

"Aren't you ashamed that Lavi was dead but here you are, still alive when you are the one who supposed to be dead right now?"

"Kanda! Please, stop it! Allen was hurt too!"

Kanda stared coldly at the wobbly kid.

"Why don't you just drop dead?" He said, his voice was laced with purest hatred, agony and misery he could ever muster that time.

Allen stopped trembling, his grip on his old stuff toy loosened. The yellow thing dropped on the floor and before they know it, Allen was gone.

.

.

.

Kanda cried. The familiar tightness on his chest was there again. It was gripping his heart thwarting his breathing and mocking his tears.

It was all his fucking fault.

His eyes were severely damaged Kanda. We were so wrong when we thought that he survived the incident totally unscathed. There's a big possibility that his sight would deteriorate and worse, be blind after a year without a proper operation. The kid left without knowing this, Kanda.

All of it.

.

.

.

.

There is sacredness in tears.

They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.

They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.

They are the messengers of overwhelming grief,

of deep contrition,

and of unspeakable love.

Washington Irving

.

.

.

Author's Notes: And that's the end of it (?) That's the heavy price that Kanda must pay. He will be forever searching for Allen but he will never find him. THE END. (?)

Unless of course, you people want something much better ending for the two right?

Well, maa ii.

Thanks for reading. Oh, let me know if you people still want me to continue this, okay? I wouldn't know if you wouldn't tell me.

Ja na!