Patio, evening. sounds of insects and in the distance, the ocean.
CAROLYN: Well, this is rather nice. Sea air. beautiful view, and Martin is attracting all the midges. Douglas, the wine, if you don't mind. Arthur, you can have my tiramisu - if you promise not to try to pronounce it.
ARTHUR: Thanks Mum. This place is great, isn't it? My room has a half door, just like a real stable! It's themed.
DOUGLAS: Does the coffee table hang on the wall looking like a colander filled with hay?
ARTHUR: Yes, how did you know?
DOUGLAS: A lucky guess based on experience of Carolyn's cost cutting strategies.
CAROLYN: Hush, Douglas, Arthur is happy with his quarters. Look, here comes the chief singleton to talk to us.
(greetings all round)
DOUGLAS: A most enjoyable evening, Ms Moore. I trust your party found everything suitably mundane?
ERIN: We're good thanks. I just wondered if you guys would like to join us. Seems silly to sit apart. And I can introduce you to a few more people.
(Acquiescence and shuffling aa they move to sit with the rest.)
ERIN: That's Mary, quietly absorbed in her favourite book. Not so easy to do in a restaurant full of people popping the question.
DOUGLAS: No indeed. Nobody likes Pride and Prejudice spoiled by all that intrusive romance. Who's this?
ERIN: That's Father Michael. He's someone else who's married to the job. Well, married to God.
DOUGLAS: Which does rather break the no couples rule...
ERIN: That's Tina and Gina - they run a novelty sock business together. I haven't had a chance to chat with them yet.
DOUGLAS: Did things start off on the wrong foot?
ERIN: I'm sure they're darned nice once you get to know them.
CAROLYN: I see the pair of them are inseparable.
DOUGLAS: Oh not bad, Carolyn.
ARTHUR: Don't all these people want girlfriends and boyfriends though? Even a causal relationship, like Mum and Herc?
MARTIN: Causal? Do you mean casual?
ARTHUR: No - Herc causes Mum's blood pressure to rise, isn't that right Mum?
CAROLYN: Yes dear. And I cause him inexplicably to keep turning up and being all soppy even when I ask him not to.
ERIN: You guys are all so cute together. You see, this is what's great about being single - you get to spend time with friends.
ALL: Hmmmm...
ERIN: The people here are complete and validated as they are. We are career people, independent people, whole people. Friendship fulfills us in our social lives. We don't need the complications and, ah, emotional upheaval of a romantic liaison.
DOUGLAS: Ah. I see.
ERIN: What?
DOUGLAS: Nothing.
MARTIN: Well, I don't see anything wrong with being in a relationship. God knows I was single long enough. Now I've met the right person, I wouldn't go back to how I was before in a million years.
CAROLYN: Martin - mushiness alert!
MARTIN: Sorry.
ERIN: Well, good for you Martin. I personally have no problem with couples. It's just ... not my thing.
DOUGLAS: I understand. So, who's that glued to his laptop?
ERIN: Oh, that's Dave. Internet millionaire, could have his pick of girls, or boys, come to that. Would rather be here, chilling out with a few like minded singletons, sinking a few beers and enjoying life. Look at him checking the stock market, happy as Larry.
DOUGLAS: Yes, where is Larry?
ERIN: Upstairs. On the phone to his cats.
xxxx
Hotel, breakfast. Seagulls, lively chatter, bright sharp sounds of morning.
CAROLYN: Morning, Martin! Coming into town? I fancy a look at the historic defences.
MARTIN: (listlessly) I'm going to hang around here. Catch up on some... reading.
DOUGLAS: I'll walk in with you, Carolyn. Maybe they'll have a shop where I can buy a postcard to send to what used to be home. D'you think they do, Glad you're not here?
MARTIN: Has anyone seen Arthur this morning?
DOUGLAS: No, but there was a lot of neighing in the courtyard first thing.
MARTIN: Maybe Dobbin wants his bedroom back. Very annoying when some other horse takes your specially booked, four poster bedroom with the sea view.
DOUGLAS: Maybe Dobbin found somewhere else to sleep, perfectly adequate and still with a pleasant filly for company...
MARTIN: Maybe not. Maybe Dobbin spent the night pacing up and down worried sick because the...horse friend had not turned up.
DOUGLAS: Oh. Oh that's not good at all. Has Dobbin tried ringing the... horse phone?
MARTIN: Yes! Dobbin's hooves are worn out with dialling!
CAROLYN: All right, that's quite enough surreal euphemism for one continental buffet. I'll see you in the foyer, Douglas. (chair scrape, footsteps away)
DOUGLAS: Where is Theresa?
MARTIN: I don't know. I'm starting to think she's changed her mind about... me.
DOUGLAS: Ring her again, Martin. Ring your little hooves off.
xxxx
(Inside, soft bar noises, muffled by thick carpet, gentle piano music.)
DOUGLAS: A large one for me please. I'll be over in the corner next to... the lady-?
THERESA: Douglas? What are you doing here?
DOUGLAS: Drowning a sorrow I didn't know I had. More to the point, what are you doing here?
THERESA: What am I doing in the best hotel in town? That's a pretty odd question to ask a princess.
DOUGLAS: Not when the princess's boyfriend is waiting for her in the worst hotel in town.
THERESA: Waiting to tell me he's leaving me? I think I would rather be here. (Requests a top up in flawless Italian.) Will you have another, Douglas?
DOUGLAS: Not for me, thanks. I'm pacing myself. -Martin isn't going to leave you!
THERESA: I heard him tell the receptionist in that very rustic hotel that he was now single.
DOUGLAS: Ah. That, I fear, was the result of our fair leader's strict insistence on a lack of romance. Martin has definitely not left you. (Grudgingly bringing himself to spell it out) He - really likes you a lot.
THERESA:(bitterly) Right, because that's what every girl longs for - a man who really likes her.
DOUGLAS: No, Theresa, Martin really does... he - he loves you.
THERESA: He has a funny way of showing it.
DOUGLAS: Please - spare me the sordid details. And maybe I will have that drink while I explain.
xxxx
Outside, horses hooves on cobblestones.
ARTHUR: Thanks for the ride, Stefania. I'd better go and find the others.
STEFANIA: (very sultry Italian voice) Will I see you later? Say yes!
ARTHUR: Yes! You've got really lovely horses.
STEFANIA: Later I will bring my friends Gigi and Lola.
ARTHUR: Oh good.
STEFANIA: What, I am not good enough for you?
ARTHUR: No, they just sound easier to pronounce.
STEFANIA: The hotel is just up this road. past the public telephones. Ciao. ciao, ciao.
(extravagant kissing sounds, then the horses clatter away.)
ARTHUR: (humming to himself.) Bob giorno, ciao, bob giorno, ciao, morning everyone. Oh - Mum?
CAROLYN: I will not call you pookums. You have a perfectly good name - well actually a perfectly ridiculous name, but I'll let that pass - and I am content to use it.
(voice faintly on the end of a phone line)
CAROLYN: I've said I miss you and that should suffice.
(voice faintly on the end of a phone line)
CAROLYN: Oh for pity's sake. I miss you. Pookums. There. Now - Arthur?
ARTHUR: Bob giorno!
CAROLYN: I was just - ringing Herc. Where have you been? Did you just arrive on a horse?
ARTHUR: It's a brilliant hotel, isn't it? Does your room have horses?
CAROLYN: Mercifully not. Now you toddle off, I am going shopping.
ARTHUR: The hotel gives you the food, Mum.
CAROLYN: Almost right, but it is not food I will be buying. It's... Just a souvenir of some kind. For Herc.
ARTHUR: Oh, Mum, he'll like that. It's a shame you couldn't bring him with you, like Martin's brought Theresa.
CAROLYN: What!
ARTHUR: Except he couldn't find her last night and he had to cancel the motorboat and Douglas stole his room with the rose petals and I've just remembered I'm not supposed to tell you she's here.
CAROLYN: Martin wanted to surprise Theresa here?
ARTHUR: Yes, only now the only surprise he's got for her is kisses.
CAROLYN: Too much detail, Arthur, you know how I prefer to skim lightly over the surface of the love lives of others or indeed my own. So where is Martin now?
ARTHUR: Well last night he was a bit depressed cos he thought Theresa wasn't turning up.
CAROLYN: Right then. I suppose I'd better go and sort this out. This anti romantic shenanigans is frankly wreaking havoc with all of us.
ARTHUR: Not me! There's this brilliant girl called Ste - Sfe -Stefania and her horse -
CAROLYN: Lightly skimming, Arthur dear, lightly skimming! Now, back to the hotel!
ARTHUR: Right-ho! Bob giorno!
xxxx
Hotel, outside, seagulls and ocean.
DOUGLAS: Martin! There you are.
MARTIN: (in utter misery) Hi Douglas...hi, Ms Moore...
DOUGLAS: Martin. Stop staring at your relentlessly non ringing phone and go upstairs. Goodbye, see you later and arrivederci.
MARTIN: Douglas? Where are you off to?
DOUGLAS: You're going up to your room right now, and Ms Moore and I are going for a walk.
MARTIN: Why are you winking at me? Oh, are you trying to get me off the scene for some reason? (warningly) Douglas...
DOUGLAS: You need to go and check your room as I believe Dobbin's friend has returned.
MARTIN: Oh!
DOUGLAS: Meanwhile we are going to inspect the unusual striations of those cliffs over there and look for fossils. You see we have discovered a shared interest in geology.
MARTIN: (stage whisper) Fraternising?
ERIN: Hardly. Firstly, the root of that word is from the Latin meaning brotherly or friendly companionship. Secondly, I don't think anyone's going to leap to conclusions seeing me walk along a beach with an old codger like Douglas. Come on, last one to the striations is a sissy!
(footsteps pattering away across the sand)
DOUGLAS: I think I'm in love.
xxxx
(In the hotel, upstairs)
THERESA: So... no present?
MARTIN: Oh God. I'm sorry. I knew I should have -
THERESA: Relax, Martin, I am just winding you up. I don't want a present. Now, where are our rooms?
MARTIN: Rooms?
THERESA: Yours and mine. I hope mine is nice.
MARTIN: Um... Theresa, I, ah, that is, I have only booked one room. I can change it, though...or go and share with Arthur...
THERESA: Martin. I am teasing you again.
MARTIN: Oh. Oh! good.
THERESA: Yes, good. I did not fly all this way not to spend every moment with you.
MARTIN: Right. I mean, me too.
THERESA: So...Are you going to carry me over the threshold?
MARTIN: - You're teasing again. - Aren't you?
THERESA: I just thought it would be nice. Romantic.
CAROLYN: Martin! is that you? I need to talk to you!
(Sound of door openly and Martin bundling Theresa inside.)
THERESA: Well! Aren't you keen? (purring) Shall we?
MARTIN: Well, I...ah, um, ah, I -
THERESA: (chuckles) Breathe, Martin. I saw your boss lady chasing us up the stairs. You can put me down now - and tell me all about it.
(pause.)
MARTIN: I will... but first...
THERESA: Oh! Martin!
xxxx
DOUGLAS: So tell me, Erin, about this super-to-be-single club of yours. Because it may surprise you to learn that I too am at present relationship-free.
ERIN: I know.
DOUGLAS: You do? Oh - the old 'pale mark where my wedding ring used to be' thing?
ERIN: No. You just seem a little... off your game.
DOUGLAS: But you've never seen me on my game, so to speak. What makes you think I am off it?
ERIN: Because I've met your kind before, Douglas. You're good looking and you know it, you come across all smooth and superior...you basically think you're the cat's pyjamas. I bet even now you're sizing up some of the mature ladies on this trip with a view to wooing them with your devilish charms.
DOUGLAS: No...I'm really not.
ERIN: Well, keep it that way. But like I said, right now you seem... a little sad. You need to chill out, spend time with good people, really relish your freedom.
DOUGLAS: I will.
ERIN: You don't have to be married to be content.
DOUGLAS: Three marriages has rather proved that point, certainly.
ERIN: I was nearly married once myself. But.. dodged it. You know. Better off as I am. Lucky escape. (laughs uncertainly)
DOUGLAS: You know, I think that is rather lucky.
(soft noise of bare feet on sand, waves lapping the shore.)
ERIN: This is the life.
DOUGLAS: Yes indeed. Who needs ... that ... when you've got this?
ERIN: Not us!
DOUGLAS: Not us.
THE END
