A/N: Enjoy!
Standard disclaimers apply.
Chapter Seven
Harry Potter is spending all of his free time avoiding Gilderoy Lockhart and Colin Creevey. UGH! (sent from mobile)
(Gilderoy Lockhart and Colin Creevey like this.)
Colin Creevey:all right harry?1
Harry Potter:UGH. HELLO, COLIN.
Gilderoy Lockhart:Is there a 'love it' option for this status? lolol XD
Harry Potter:Not dignifying that with a response.
Hedwig the Owl is still angry with Harry Potter for the DISASTROUS CAR JOURNEY. Fuck that shit. Going out to din-din with The Whomping Willow to get my mind off that little fucker (sent from mobile)
(The Whomping Willow, Mrs. Norris, and Argus Filch like this.)
Harry Potter:You've just got to be fucking kidding me. You can't use the words 'din-din' and 'fuck that shit' in the same sentence.
Hedwig the Owl:Um, go fuck yourself. Mrs. Norris? Filch? What are you, my former lover and a scorned lover, doing 'liking' this status?
Mrs. Norris:It's nice to see you happy.
Hedwig the Owl:*hugs*
Argus Filch:I just liked the part about the disastrous car journey. Too bad you didn't get yourself killed, you outrageous transvestite whore.
The Whomping Willow:EXUSE ME? THERE IS NO ROOM ON THIS CHAT FOR SUCH DEPLORABLE IGNORANCE AND HATRED. SHAMESHAMESHAME.
Argus Filch:Um, you're a fucking tree. How are you even typing right now?
Harry Potter:Yeah, I actually agree with Filch for ONCE.
Hedwig the Owl:GTFO, Harry. Fuck you. I don't even have WORDS. Leave us the FUCK alone.
Harry Potter:Okay, you're being RIDICULOUS right now. I am getting like a thousand notifications from this little reunion and I'm sick of it!
Hedwig the Owl:Grow up, you shitbitch.
Harry Potter:Shitbitch? Seriously? You're running out of profane material, aren't you? You can't just combine two curses to make them sound like a new one. Okay, I'll admit SHITFUCK is fun, but that's it! That's ENOUGH.
Hedwig the Owl:Then SHITFUCK,I fucking hate your shitbitch face and I want nothing more than to LITERALLY eat you entirely, then regurgitate up your remains and eat it again.
Harry Potter:YOU'RE DISGUSTING. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE POINT OF SAYING 'LITERALLY'? IT MEANS YOU *LITERALLY* WANT TO DO THAT. ARE YOU PREPARED TO ADMIT THAT?
Hedwig the Owl:Fuck yeah, what do you think, I don't understand the English language just because I'm an owl? Again with the damn ignorance. Fuck you a thousand times. When I say I want to consume, regurgitate, and consume someone again, I FUCKING MEAN IT.
Harry Potter:I'm kind of getting scared…
Argus Filch:Yeah this is CREEPY, and I used to have sex with a cat.
Mrs. Norris:USED TO? Excuse me?
Argus Filch:We all know you've been stepping out on me AGAIN, this time with that little shit Lockhart.
Mrs. Norris:*GASP* I DID NO SUCH THING!
Gilderoy Lockhart:What's this I hear about me and A FELINE having sex? Now, I'll have you know I could get anyone, I MEAN ANYONE, I want. I don't think I'd reduce myself to a creature that can't even use a toilet.
Mrs. Norris:You say that like I'm the only animal who can't use a toilet. You really are an idiot. Also, this doesn't sound anything like what you had to say to me last night, in Filch's bed.
Argus Filch:CAUGHT!111!
Mrs. Norris:Yeah, I'll admit it. Me and the pansy had relations. I'm not proud of it. I snuck out before he could wake up. All he did was talk about HIMSELF the whole time. Don't you want to know anything about ME?
Gilderoy Lockhart:YOU ARE A TREASONOUS WHORE.
Mrs. Norris:Oooh, bravo. Where did you find that pretty word?
Gilderoy Lockhart:Don't you mock me. I am FAR ABOVE YOU. And I've had better.
Argus Filch:*GASP* CAUGHT AGAIN! SO YOU ADMIT IT?
Gilderoy Lockhart:NO COMMENT!
Harry Potter hahahahaha who else heard that Lockhart had sex with a cat! (sent from mobile)
(Ronald Weasley and 64 others like this.)
Hermione Jean Granger:That's just rude.
Ronald Weasley:Stfu, Granger. This is the best thing that happened to me since my parents said I could buy a new pair of socks.
Fred Weasley:WHAT? When did you get new socks? I've been using Bill's since I was born!
Ronald Weasley:I didn't say I actually got them, I said mum and dad TOLD me I could.
Fred Weasley:Oh. Bummer.
Oliver Wood wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Top o' the morning to ya!
Harry Potter:What the…
Oliver Wood:QUIDDITCH PRACTICE YEAAAAAH!
Harry Potter:Ugh, why are you so…*peppy*?
Oliver Wood:Cause this is literally the only thing I have to live for, Potter. Now get your ass out on the field.
Harry Potter:Yes, sir…
Harry Potter fuck this shit… (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter wrote on Ronald Weasley's wall: Went to practice Quidditch. See ya later xoxox
Dudley Dursley:So unnecessary. Especially when it comes to convincing me you're not gay.
Colin Creevey wrote on Harry Potter's wall: heeeey buuuuddy! gues wut? i got a pic of u&ur BFFLAAF profeser lockhart! :D
(Gilderoy Lockhart likes this.)
Harry Potter:UGH. Lockhart is not my BFF. Ron is!
(Ronald Weasley likes this.)
Colin Creevey:U2 look so0o0o0o cuuuuute! :3
Harry Potter:Colin, please. You're out of control. I have to get to Quidditch. Goodbye.
Colin Creevey:OOOOOOHHH KWIDDITCH? ive never seen a kwidditch game b4!1!1 actuly, ive nevr seen anyE games. ive pritty much spent my hole lyfe reeding everything I cud about ur rise to fame. U R MY LYFE
Harry Potter:Um…yeah. Enough of that. And seriously, Colin? I spelled Quidditch perfectly in the comment above yours. You cant even manage copy and paste?
Colin Creevey:will u sign my butt?
Harry Potter:WHAT?
Colin Creevey:im gunna get ur signature tat 2'ed on my butt wen im of age. or if i can find an underground tat 2 shop tatting up little kids butts with their heros signatures, that'll do. im sure theres 1 in hogsmeade…anyway it def seems like the sort of thing ill NEVER regret. after i saw this pic, i wuz all lyk, OMG, i need 2 get this pic tat 2'ed on my butt! lyk... the signatures on 1 side & the pic on the other? ya think they cud do that harry? do ya think it'll hurt? do ya think butt tat 2's hurt an awful lot? ya no... lyke more then regular tat 2's? do ya think my grankids wil b prowd? huh harry?1 do ya? do ya lyke my butt tat 2 idea?
Harry Potter:SHUT THE FUCK UP! IT'S TATTOO NOT TAT 2!
Colin Creevey:Yes? What's the problem?
Harry Potter:DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF?
Colin Creevey: well 2B honest w/u, i tune myself out. lyke my parents do. i just…u no, ramble w/e comes in2 my head & then reelize wut i sed based on the reaction of the listener…was I saying something about a butt tat 2?
Harry Potter:Yes, Colin. A butt *tattoo*. It was disturbing.
Colin Creevey:o ok. good. so wut do ya think? 2 butt or not 2 butt. that is the ? lololololol.
Harry Potter:Alright, Colin. I'm going to get changed. Bye.
Colin Creevey:K! ill b sketching out the perfect butt tat 2 wile i wate.
Harry Potter:Fan-fucking-tastic.
Oliver Wood wrote on Harry Potter's wall: And what took you so long, Potter?
Harry Potter:Seriously? You were in my room like 30 seconds ago.
Oliver Wood:Let me just check…ah, I see. Your Facebook Wall seems to say that you've been getting on with Colin instead of getting ready to play!
Harry Potter:Are we reading the same transcript? I dealt with him while I was walking to the field. He's INSANE.
(Colin Creevey likes this.)
Harry Potter:UGH!
Oliver Wood wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: ANYWAY, moving on from the four-eyed distraction (but gosh darnit he's just so super awesome at Quidditch)…I've got a diagram here displaying all of our secret plays and shit…I did you all the service of sending it directly to your Wall's, to ensure that everybody looked at it immediately.
Alicia Spinnet wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: You're joking right?
Oliver Wood wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Excuse me? Fred Weasley wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Why wouldn't you just post it to our exclusive, SECRET GROUP on Facbeook? You know, the one we're writing on right now? Oliver Wood wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: What are you two going on about? Katie Bell wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Everyone can see the "secret" diagram on our walls! Everyone! Angelina Johnson wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Including the Slytherins…
Oliver Wood wrote on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Oh…fuck.
Oliver Wood ATTENTION EVERYONE AT HOGWARTS – I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED GRYFFINDOR QUIDDITCH TEAM'S LITTLE JOKE HAHA ALL OF THOSE DIAGRAMS ARE *FAKE*! WE WILL NOT BE USING THEM! SO…OTHER QUIDDITCH TEAMS…DON'T TRY USING OUR PLAYS AGAINST US…CAUSE…WE'RE NOT USING THEM! HAHA OKAY BYE! (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter:facepalm.
Alicia Spinnet:Spectacular.
George Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: I think that's your boyfriend taking pictures of you over there, Harry. lololol
Fred Weasley:LMAO IT IS
Harry Potter wrote on Colin Creevey's wall: COLIN, STOP IT!
Colin Creevey:stop wut? taking pix of that sweet face ya got there?
Harry Potter:My face is not sweet. It is scarred up and ruined. I am a MAN.
Colin Creevey:i think itz purfect :P
Harry Potter:CREEPY.
Oliver Wood:STOP IT RIGHT NOW, SLITHERIN SPY. I MEAN IT!
Marcus Flint: 'Sup, bitchez?
Oliver Wood:OH!
Colin Creevey:oh, this is such fun! an old-fashoned smack down taking place on my wall!
Oliver Wood:Not for long.
Oliver Wood wrote on Marcus Flint's wall: WTF are you doing here, Flint?
Marcus Flint:Sorry, douche lord. But we gotz the field to train our new Seeker, yo.
Oliver Wood:Oh my goodness, you did not just use the words 'gotz' and 'yo' following your accusation that *I* am the 'douche lord' in this conversation.
Marcus Flint:Read it & weep, sucka.
Oliver Wood:Who's your new Seeker?
Draco Malfoy:'Sup, bitchez
Oliver Wood:Come ON!
Fred Weasley wrote on Draco Malfoy's wall: Aren't you Lucius Malfoy's son?
Draco Malfoy:In the flesh.
George Weasley:The *burning*flesh. Your dad is basically Satan.
Draco Malfoy:Satan's spawn, at your service.
Marcus Flint:Funnily enough, Satan proved quite generous.
Marcus Flint sent Oliver Wood a picture of him holding seven Nimbus 2001's while sticking his tongue out and displaying the middle finger.
Oliver Wood wrote on Marcus Flint's wall: Very mature, Flint.
Hermione Jean Granger wrote on Harry Potter's wall: What's going on, Harry? Are you in trouble?
Harry Potter:Oh great, just what I need.
Ronald Weasley:What's wrong?
Harry Potter:Malfoy's being a great big meanie!
Hermione Jean Granger:Oh, so you tell Ron but not me!
Ronald Weasley:Obvs. BFF
Harry Potter:FOR LIFE.
Ronald Weasley:What's Malfuck doing here?
Draco Malfoy:That's worse than 'Poorsley.' And I'm the new Slytherin Seeker, Poorsley. In case you can't READ.
Ronald Weasley:Fuck you. I can…sort of.
Hermione Jean Granger:Well, at least no one on the Gryffindor team had to *buy*their way in! They got in on pure talent!
Draco Malfoy:Um, did I ASK for you opinion, Mudblood?
Harry Potter I'm guessing by the uproar ensuing here that that's a bad word?
Draco Malfoy:Yes, obviously, dumbass.
Ronald Weasley sent Draco Malfoy an attempted curse.
Ronald Weasley:AAAAAHHHHHHHH! (sent from mobile)
Hermione Jean Granger:RON! ARE YOU OKAY?
Harry Potter:Get out of the way, bitch! ROOOOOONNNNNN!
Hermione Jean Granger:RON, WHAT'S GOING ON!
Ronald Weasley:I'm belching up slugs, woman! I thought that much was obvious and didn't need an explanation!
Colin Creevey:FANTASTICK!
Harry Potter:GTFO, Colin! We're off to Hagrid's!
Hermione Jean Granger:Oh no, Lockhart's over there.
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on Rubeus Hagrid's wall: I'll send you a copy of my book, big guy! You'll learn a lot from it…of course, I can only give you about 5% off the actual price. Got to make a living, you know? Hahaha. No seriously, though. Only 5%
Rubeus Hagrid: -_-
Harry Potter wrote on Rubeus Hagrid's wall: Uh, Hagrid…we have a slight problem here.
Rubeus Hagrid:As long as you aren't Lockhart, I don't give a shit what it is just come in!
Harry Potter:Well, it's Ron belching up slugs…
Rubeus Hagrid:Maybe I spoke too soon. Ah, oh well. I've seen worse.
Rubeus Hagrid sent Ronald Weasley a slug-catching bucket.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Rubeus Hagrid's wall: Meeeehhhhhhblerg
Rubeus Hagrid:Better out than in!
Hermione Jean Granger:I think he just has to wait for it to be over…
Rubeus Hagrid:Yep.
Ronald Weasley:? Blllleeeeehhhhhhhreeeeegggg
Harry Potter wrote on Rubeus Hagrid's wall: So, why was Lockhart here, Hagrid?
Rubeus Hagrid:Givin me advice about gettin kelpies out of a well…seriously, as if I wouldn't know? I'm the groundskeeper for god's sake. Like I'd give him any sort of money for that bullshit book of his…
Hermione Jean Granger:Uuumm…obviously Professor Dumbledore thought he was the right man for the job so…umm…yeah, obviously he's a teacher and you're not for a reason…umm…yeah. Obviously. Sorry.
Rubeus Hagrid:Open your eyes, Granger. HE was the ONLY man for the job. Anyway, onto more important topics…who was Ron trying to curse?
Harry Potter:Uh, well, Malfoy said something bad about Hermione I think…I dunno. I've only been a wizard for a year.
Hermione Jean Granger:You can only use that excuse for so long, Harry. I didn't know I was a witch my whole life! And I grew up with Muggles, as well.
Harry Potter:Yeah, but you're a robot. And do you even know what the word means, Hermione?
Hermione Jean Granger:Um…yes, of course. You don't? Strange.
Harry Potter:Hermione.
Hermione Jean Granger:OKAY! Alright, I don't know what it means! It could've meant 'sweet little angel' and I just got all upset because everyone else did!
Ronald Weasley:It is - BLEEEERRGGGGHHH - bad! It's a foul name for BBBBLLLAARRGAAAAAHHH people that are Muggle-born!
Hermione Jean Granger:Ron, stop typing in the sounds of you belching/vomiting. It's so gross.
Rubeus Hagrid wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Hey, by the way, I heard you've been givin out signed pictures! Why didn't I get one?
Harry Potter:Meh! I HAVE NOT!
Rubeus Hagrid:I'm just kiddin, Harry. Anywho, come look at my huge pumpkins!
Ronald Weasley:O_o
Rubeus Hagrid:No, seriously, they're for the Halloween feast. Should be big enough by then.
Harry Potter:Uuuh, what have you been DOING to them, Hagrid?
Rubeus Hagrid: You know…good old sunshine…nature's magic…
Harry Potter likes that Rubeus Hagrid does illegal magic. It's fun because I know Ron and I will be kicked out of school before we're legally allowed to do magic outside of Hogwarts, and it's good to know there's a way around the system.
(Ronald Weasley likes this.)
Rubeus Hagrid:SHH!
Severus Snape:Fabulous.
Rubeus Hagrid:Get outta here, ya cretin!
Severus Snape:Now that's not how you talk to your blackmailer, you great oaf.
Rubeus Hagrid:grumblemumblegrumble…
Hermione Jean Granger wrote on Rubeus Hagrid's wall: While I don't promote the breaking of rules, you did a really nice job with the Engorgement Charm, Hagrid. Well done.
Rubeus Hagrid:Thanks, Hermione. That's what's Ron's sister said last night.
Ronald Weasley:EXCUSE ME?
Rubeus Hagrid:Have those slugs gotten into your brain, boy? Jesus…enough with the sexual innuendo. I meant that she came around here, but I think she was looking for someone else…you know, someone who could give her a SIGNED AUTOGRAPH.
Harry Potter:SHUT THE FUCK UP
Rubeus Hagrid:Tee hee…
(Ronald Weasley likes this.)
Ronald Weasley:Belchbelchvomvom all over your pumpkins
Rubeus Hagrid:I SAID SHE CAME OVER LOOKIN FOR HARRY THERE'S NO NEED TO TAKE YOUR GUTTER MIND OUT ON MY PUMPKINS.
Ronald Weasley:vomvomteeheebelchvom
Rubeus Hagrid:ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR
Harry Potter:Okay we're out of here before you rip us to pieces. I see this as a severe possibility. See ya, Hag.
Rubeus Hagrid:toodaloo!
Minerva McGonagall wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Alright, bitches. Detention tonight. Ronald Weasley, that means you as well.
Ronald Weasley:Meep…
Harry Potter:No!
Minerva McGonagall:Do NOT back-sass me, Potter! Weasley, you'll be polishing the silver in the trophy room with Mr. Filch. And no magic!
Ronald Weasley: I don't even know how to do magic.
Minerva McGonagall:Right. I forgot the two of you are bumbling idiots. This should be a great night. Potter, you'll be helping Professor Lockhart answer his fan mail.
Harry Potter:No fucking way. He's an egomaniac! I'm not answering his damn fan mail. I want to go to the trophy room with Won-Won!
Ronald Weasley:Ooohh…no. I just got the chills when you said "Won-Won." Eek. I wonder why…it sounds like such a great nickname.
Harry Potter:Weird!
Minerva McGonagall:Seriously, Harry, I don't know why you think it's appropriate to curse at me. If you weren't the Boy Who Lived, I'd bust a cap in your arse.
Severus Snape:SPECIAL TREATMENT! SPECIAL TREATMENT!
Minerva McGonagall:Oh, hello, Professor Snape. Would you like a cap busted into *your*hind-quarters?
Severus Snape:Is this a trick question?
Minerva McGonagall:SCRAM!
Severus Snape:Meep!
Hedwig the Owl:Why is everyone stealing my catch phrase? Daayyyuumm!
Harry Potter is fucking PISSED. Why is the man always trying to keep me down! (sent from mobile)
Hermione Jean Granger sent Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley a well-you-did-break-school-rules sort of expression.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Hermione Jean Granger's wall: Fuck oooofffff. I'm gonna be with Filch all NIGHT! Who knows what that creep does in his office.
Hermione Jean Granger:I'm sure he's just going to watch you clean the trophys. He might not even stay in the office, he'll just lock you in there!
Ronald Weasley:He had sex with a fucking CAT. You don't see a mental instability here? Would YOU have a problem being locked in the office of a man who slept with a CAT?
Hermione Jean Granger:…yeah I guess you're right.
Harry Potter:At least you don't have to answer Lockhart's fanmail! He's a nightmare!
Ronald Weasley:He. Had. Sexual. Relations. With. A. Fucking. Cat. END OF STORY.
Harry Potter Fuck Lockhart. Going off to answer fan mail. Shit. (sent from mobile)
(Gilderoy Lockhart likes this.)
Gilderoy Lockhart:Well hello, you scalawag! Come in, come in! I remember when I was a young whippersnapper like you, just completely bitching out teachers and strutting down the hallway like I owned the fucking place. Yeah, yeah, we are just a couple of darned crazy badasses, aren't we?
Harry Potter: I am nothing like you! I do NOT strut!
Gilderoy Lockhart:hahaha, Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry. You slay me. Harry.
Harry Potter:*cringe* YOU are the douche master around here, sir.
Gilderoy Lockhart:You can address the envelopes!
Harry Potter:Didn't you hear what I said?
Gilderoy Lockhart:Yes? You said, "Woah, what is a crazy cat like you doing stuck in your office on a Saturday night? Shouldn't you be out entertaining the ladies?" I felt this was a slightly inappropriate question, so I thought I'd just move onto your detention duties, but since you are just biting at the bit to get an answer, I'll say that yes, I am set to entertain quite a few ladies this evening. However, those will be going on WAY past your bed time you little Casanova in training, you! So just get off to work!
Harry Potter:Holy. Shit.
Gilderoy Lockhart:Now you just get to work you mini Lockhart!
Harry Potter:Fuck you.
Gilderoy Lockhart:^_^
Harry Potter Who wants to shove this pencil through my eye? (sent from mobile)
Severus Snape:ME!
Dudley Dursley:You can back off. I've been waiting for this far too long.
Vernon Dursley:I'll bring my own pencil!
Harry Potter:I guess I walked right into that one…
Draco Malfoy:I'm too rich to handle some filthy peasant pencil. I already have a rather expensive quill to stab through your insufferable eye socket. You should be HAPPY that I would even deem your eye worthy enough to get its filth onto MY writing utensil. But it will be quite profitable, as I will then sell the aforementioned quill on EBay.
Harry Potter:You are a sick individual.
Draco Malfoy:When can I schedule you in to be stabbed? Don't make promises you can't keep!
Gilderoy Lockhart wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Harry, my boy, stop fiddling with that cell phone of yours!
Harry Potter:grumblegrumble…
Gilderoy Lockhart:Aw, telling your little friends about the great time you're having listening to my life story? You're great. Anyway, I was on the best-seller list for SIX SOLID MONTHS!
Harry Potter:O_O WHAT?
Gilderoy Lockhart:I know, right? Very impressive.
Harry Potter:Not YOU! I just heard…some weird…voice…what the hell WAS that?
Gilderoy Lockhart:All I've heard is my velvety smooth voice filled with perfection…I'm not sure what you're talking about, Harry.
Harry Potter:No. It was definitely not your 'velvety smooth voice.' Though I'd venture to question if you're even delusional enough to believe that…
Gilderoy Lockhart:GREAT SCOTT! Is that the time? This thing must be broken…
Harry Potter:Seriously?
Gilderoy Lockhart:Not much more than twenty minutes could've passed!
Harry Potter:*face palm* I'm leaving.
Gilderoy Lockhart:Well, I guess I have to kick you on out of here, my boy. Have a good night! No more talk about that 'spooky' voice you've got in your head! Oh, you are just a little bit crazy, aren't you? Ha ha ha ha.
Harry Potter:Yeah. Exactly. Goodbye.
Harry Potter heard a strange voice! Waiting up for the one person who will actually BELIEVE him, his BFF Ron. (sent from mobile)
Hedwig the Owl:AM I TOO LATE? I HAVE SIX PENCILS!
(Draco Malfoy likes this.)
Harry Potter:Yes, Hedwig. You'll have to puncture my eyeballs some other time.
Hedwig the Owl:Boo!
Hedwig the Owl and Draco Malfoy are now friends.
Harry Potter wrote on Hedwig the Owl's wall: Srsly? I'm surprised you're not already friends with *Voldemort*considering how deeply your hatred for me runs.
Hedwig the Owl: Don't even *insult*me like that. Only I have the honor of torturing you mercilessly. I respect Draco as someone who will never truly succeed as much as I can. But that Voldemort…he came quite close to murdering you. I…I fear his power. I feel like he may see your death before I.
Harry Potter:I have no words for you.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: GAH! My muscles have seized…
Harry Potter:You cannot even complain once I tell you what happened to me…I just heard some creepy voice in Lockhart's office saying that it wanted to 'kill me!'
Ronald Weasley:Well…not to diminish your problems, but I've been reading the mini feed. There are a lot of suspects. Anyone could've been threatening to kill you. I can count like, ten off the top of my head right now and that's not even including Voldemort.
Harry Potter:Thanks, mate.
Ronald Weasley:No, seriously, man. If the darkest wizard of all time doesn't even make the short list of people that want to kill you, you might have a problem.
Harry Potter:I guess that's true…maybe it was Hedwig joking around.
Hedwig the Owl I don't joke. When the time comes for me to stand over your lifeless corpse and devour your brains, it will come. I will not resort to stupid parlor tricks like whispering through the walls.
Harry Potter:Hm. Point taken.
Chapter Eight
Poppy Pomfrey ACK! All these damn kids keep getting sick! I've had to make 500 cauldrons of Pepperup Potion. I'm done with this shit – SUCK IT UP, BRATS.
Percey Weasley poked Ginny Weasley.
Show 10 more similar posts.
Ginny Weasley wrote on Percy Weasley's wall: WTF DO YOU WANT?
Percy Weasley: You look peaky – get a Pepperup Potion.
Ginny Weasley: Are you for real right now?
Percy Weasley: I have to give daily updates about you guys and I can't lie to her. If she knows that you're not in perfect health, she's going to go crazy on our asses.
Ginny Weasley:grumblegrumblegrumble…
Ginny Weasley HATES Pepperup Potion – it looks like my entire head is on fire!
(Fred Weasley and George Weasley like this.)
Ginny Weasley: SCREW YOU GUYS.
George Weasley: It's –
Fred Weasley: – our duty –
George Weasley: – to drive all –
Fred Weasley: – our siblings –
George Weasley: – bonkers!
Fred Weasley: XD
George Weasley: :P
Ginny Weasley: LASKDJFLSDKFJSD. Skdfjdfs.
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry HAS RAINDROPS THE SIZE OF BULLETS HITTING MY WINDOWS, WTF. MAKE IT STOOOOOOPPPPP! *sobs*
Rubeus Hagrid: NO! It's making my pumpkins grow to epic proportions!
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry:ExCUSE me, Hagrid, but you're supposed to have my back, always and forever.
Rubeus Hagrid: I'm sorry Hoggy, you know I love you dearly, but this is important!
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry: Fine, I see how it is.
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is now single.
Rubeus Hagrid: YOU CAN'T JUST BREAK UP A MARRIAGE WITHOUT MY INPUT!
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry: I can, and I just did, bitch. Deal.
Rubeus Hagrid::(
Oliver Wood Come on, guys! It's just drizzling! We can still practice! (sent from mobile)
Fred Weasley: Fuck –
George Weasley: you. A lot.
Harry Potter does not like being soaked to the skin and splattered with mud after practice. Thanks, Oliver Wood, thanks a lot.
(Oliver Wood likes this.)
Fred Weasley and George Weasley added "espionage" to their interests.
Fred Weasley posted a video on Gryffindor Quidditch Team '92-'93's wall: Shit, those new Nimbus Two Thousand and Ones are good. We're kind of fucked.
Harry Potter is now squelching down the deserted corridor. Now that's a disgusting image. (sent from mobile)
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington mehmehmeh don't fulfill their requirements…half an inch, if that… grumblegrumblegrumble…(sent from mobile)
Harry Potter: Hello, Nick! Fancy bumping into you in this deserted corridor!
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington: Hello *sigh*
Harry Potter:Well don't jump for joy at seeing me or anything…
Harry Potter thinks Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington is wearing a dashing plumed hat – I want one! (sent from mobile)
(Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington likes this.)
Harry Potter added "dashing plumed hat" to their interests.
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington wrote on Harry Potter's wall: You look troubled, young Potter.
Harry Potter: So do you.
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington: No need to sound snarky. But it's a matter of no importance…it's not as though I REALLY, REALLY wanted to join. Just thought I'd apply for shits and giggles, but APPARENTLY I don't "fulfill the FUCKING requirements." I'm not BITTER or anything…
Harry Potter: Riiiiiiigghhhttt…
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington:I MEAN YOU WOULD THINK, WOULDN'T YOU – THAT GETTING CHOPPED 45 TIMES IN THE NECK WITH A BLUNT AXE WOULD QUALIFY YOU TO JOIN THE HEADLESS HUNT. BUT NOOOOOOO
Harry Potter: Meep! Oh, um, yeah…of course…
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington: Nobody wants a brutal death like THAT – quick and clean –
Harry Potter:THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! Ahem, continue…
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington: …my head would've come off properly. And I would've been saved the embarrassment and humiliation and pain!
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington sent Harry Potter a furious reading of the rejection letter.
Harry Potter wrote on Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington's wall: Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore? Srsly? What a pansy…not that yours is any better, really. Actually, it's a lot worse. You really don't have a lot going for you in this afterlife, do you?
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington:Shove it in my face, would you? It's only a half a fucking INCH of skin and sinew holding my neck to my ghostly corpse!
Harry Potter: Ew.
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington: Some would think that's quite enough, but not for Sir Properly Decapitated-Podmore!
Harry Potter: Hah, nice.
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington: Thanks, I'm quite poetic when I'm in a rage. So, what's got your undies in a twist? Can I do anything?
Harry Potter: Well, no, unless you can provide seven free Nimbus Two Thousand and Ones for our match against Slyth – SHIT! THAT FUCKING CAT!
(Mrs. Norris likes this.)
Mrs. Norris wrote on Harry Potter's wall: That's right, bitch, I'm back to stalkin' after you/succeeding in getting you into trouble. My Argy won't appreciate all this SHIT you've brought into the corridor!
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington: Harry – you better beat it – Filch is not happy with having the flu and the Third Years "accidentally" plastered frog brains all over the ceiling in dungeon five. This mud's gonna drive him up the wall!
(352 others like this.)
Harry Potter: Wait, you're back with Filch again? I thought it was casual!
Mrs. Norris: Yeah, well, when Quirrell's Turban was revealed to be that crazy asshole kid who pretended to be such a goody-goody (WE KNEW THE ENTIRE TIME!), I was feeling rather lonely and he comforted me. We've bonded over the summer. We're taking it slow.
Harry Potter: This is utterly absurd.
Hedwig the Owl: As much as I LOATHE agreeing with the scarface fucker here, I have to concur. Srsly, WTF, Betty. You're going to put up with is false promises AGAIN? Why would you take that sorry excuse for a human being back?
Mrs. Norris: Jealous much?
Hedwig the Owl: YOU FUCKING WISH, FURBALL! The Whomping Willow and I are FINE.
Mrs. Norris: Fine? Bitch, please. Bet you wish your gf was a freak like me…
Harry Potter:STOP THIS CONVERSATION IMMEDIATELY. I'M 12.
Argus Filch: Aaaaanndd here's my grand entrance!
Mrs. Norris: Ah, here's my lovely X3 You're fucked, Potter!
Harry Potter: Shit…
Argus Filch wrote on Harry Potter's wall: FILTH! FUCKING SHIT EVERYWHERE! FUCK YOU TO HELL, YOU DIRTY SHITBAG FUCKER – FOLLOW ME.
Harry Potter: Uuuuggghhhhhhh.
Harry Potter sent Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington a gloomy goodbye wave.
Harry Potter is in Argus Filch's office for the first time. Fred Weasley + George Weasley – you guys have an entire drawer to yourself! (sent from mobile)
(Fred Weasley and George Weasley likes this.)
Fred Weasley: Damn straight we do!
George Weasley: ~_^
Harry Potter REALLY doesn't like Argus Filch muttering under his breath – it's as creepy as hell! (sent from mobile)
Argus Filch: Name: Harry Potter. Crime…
Harry Potter: You've got to be shitting me: it's only a bit a mud! Grow a pair!
Argus Filch: TO YOU IT'S A BIT OF MUD. FOR ME IT'S AN EXTRA HOUR OF FUCKING CLEANING. STFU. Now. As I was saying…crime: befouling the castle…
Harry Potter: "Befouling"? Does that even EXIST?
Hermione Jean Granger: Yes, it does, and it surprises me that such a barbarian of an individual knows a vocabulary word beyond the range of first graders. The definition is the action of making dirty or filthy. To soil. Defile. Sully.
Harry Potter: Yeah, I figured from the social context, it would be something along those lines. I'm not as clueless as Ron; please give a bit more credit.
Hermione Jean Granger: Hmph. Fine. Just thought I'd be helpful…
Argus Filch: SUGGESTED SENTENCE…
Peeves the Poltergeist thinks it's time to wreak some havoc! Suck my balls, Argus Filch! Teeeehheeeeeeee!
(Fred Weasley and George Weasley like this.)
Argus Filch: DAMN YOU! I'M GONNA GET YOU!
Harry Potter: Hey, thanks for distracting him!
Harry Potter thinks he should wait for Filch to come back…le sigh…but first I'm going to read his mail. Can't help it – it's glossy and purple and silver! (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter Attention Facebookers – mind explaining WTF Kwikspell is? (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter: SHIT! The man's coming!
Argus Filch wrote on Mrs. Norris's wall: That plot device, I mean vanishing cabinet was very valuable! We'll have Peeves out this time, my sweet…
(Mrs. Norris likes this.)
Mrs. Norris: You should know, dear, that your envelope is two feet away from where it was – that shitface Potter def moved it.
Harry Potter FUCK! Gotta play it cool now. (sent from mobile)
Argus Filch wrote on Harry Potter's wall: D-D-D-DID YOU R-READ?
Harry Potter: Agh, please, no Quirrell references. And no! Of course not…definitely not…no sir-ee…
Argus Filch: Good. Because if you'd read my private…I mean it's for a FRIEND…
Harry Potter: That's a biggest load of cock and bull – YOU with FRIENDS?
Mrs. Norris: Gonna have to agree with Potter – you really don't get out much to have friends. Still love you, though!
Harry Potter is extremely alarmed – Argus Filch looks like a downright, fucking nutter! (sent from mobile)
Argus Filch wrote on Harry Potter's wall: SCRAM – GET OUT. Don't breathe a word about this…not that you maybe didn't read…I have to write up Peeves' report. GIT.
Harry Potter what a stroke of luck – I managed to escape Filch's office without being punished! Harry Potter: 1, Life: -5. (sent from mobile)
(Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington likes this.)
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington: So it worked, I'm assuming? I persuaded Peeves to drop this plot device, I mean, large cabinet, in front of Filch's office.
Harry Potter: That was you? Thanksies! xoxo
Harry Potter wrote on Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington's wall: Sorry, mate, wish there was something I could do for you about the Headless Hunt thingamagig.
Harry Potter SHIT! I hate it when I walk through ghosts! It's like I'm taking an icy shower! (sent from mobile)
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Weeeellll there IS something you could do…no…it's asking too much…you wouldn't…
Harry Potter: Dude, just tell me. You can't just start something like that and chicken out. Spill, girl.
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington: Okay! This Halloween will be my 500th deathday!
Harry Potter: Oh…okay?
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington: It'll be fabulous! I'll send you the deets in an inbox. You're welcome to bring along Weasley and Granger, of course. But…I suppose you'd rather enjoy the school feast…?
Harry Potter: No – I'll come…
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington: Goody! Harry Potter at my Deathday Party! Do you think you could mention to Sir Patty how very frightening and impressive you find me?
Harry Potter: Yeah, no probs.
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington: XD
Hermione Jean Granger wrote on Harry Potter's wall: A Deathday Party? I bet there aren't many living people who can say they've been to one of those! It'll be fascinating!
Harry Potter: Hermione, it's a PARTY. We're totally, like, going to get shwasted and shit. Stop trying to make everything so fucking educational.
Ronald Weasley: Yeah, but why would anyone want to celebrate the day they died? Sounds dead depressing to me…
Harry Potter: Hewwo gwumpy-face.
Ronald Weasley: Mehhhh I'm trying to do this fucking Potions homework…
Fred Weasley Question: what would happen if you feed a Filibuster Firework to a Salamander? If you want to know – come to the Gryffindor Common Room pronto!
(Fred Weasley, George Weasley and 75 others like this.)
Fred Weasley: For those who couldn't see the epicness – it whizzed into the air, emitting loud sparks and bangs as it whirled around the room! Shhwweeeeet.
Percy Weasley: WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO! YOU'RE ENDANGERING A COMPLETELY INNOCENT ANIMAL THAT YOU STOLE FROM A CARE OF MAGICAL CREATURES CLASS!
George Weasley: Fuck you! This is the shit!
Percy Weasley: MMWWARRRGGHALKJFHSDLFKJFS.
Harry Potter not gonna lie – kinda regretting about saying yes to the Deathday Party – I fucking love the feast. Why would I give that up to be with a bunch of dead guys?
Hermione Jean Granger: A promise is a promise! You SAID you'd go.
Harry Potter: I already know that, bitch! Fuck.
Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley, and Hermione Jean Granger are attending Nearly Headless Nick's 500th Deathday Party.
Harry Potter god, this passageway to Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington's party is fucking creepy as hell! And I'm cold :( (sent from mobile)
Ronald Weasley: Are you hearing this screeching that I think is supposed to be music?
Harry Potter: T_T
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington wrote on Harry Potter's wall: My dear friends…welcome…so pleased that you could come.
Harry Potter: Yeah, we can really tell by the way you sound so depressed and shit. But I'm really jealous of your plumed hat and the way you sweep it off!
Harry Potter Okay, this is actually pretty awesome – so many ghosts! (sent from mobile)
(Ronald Weasley and Hermione Jean Granger like this.)
Harry Potter: Let's walk around – my feet are ice cubes!
Ronald Weasley: Make sure you don't walk through anyone!
Hermione Jean Granger: Wow, Ronald, that was very sensitive of you! Bravo!
Ronald Weasley: Bitch, please. I just said that because it's so fucking COLD when you walk through them. Worst. Feeling. Ever. If it felt like, let's say, a warm summer day, then I'd walk through as many ghosts as possible.
Hermione Jean Granger: You're insufferable.
Ronald Weasley: ^_^
Bitches want my blood yeeaahhh that's right, motherfuckers, keep your DISTANCE. (sent from mobile)
Hermione Jean Granger wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Fuck no – turn back! I don't want to talk to Moaning Murtle!
Harry Potter: WTF?
Hermione Jean Granger: She haunts the girls' bathroom on the first floor.
Harry Potter: Are you joking? She haunts a TOILET? That's just sad…
Hermione Jean Granger: Yeah – it's been out of order all year because she keeps making a ruckus. I never go in there if I could. It's really annoying trying to pee and her wailing at you…
Ronald Weasley: LOOK! FOOD!
Hermione Jean Granger: ADD much?
Ronald Weasley: Let's not talk about one of my probably many mental problems and get some chow!
(Harry Potter and Hermione Jean Granger like this.)
Harry Potter I think I'm gonna be sick! (sent from mobile)
Ronald Weasley: I can't believe this shit – I'm fucking starving and all they have is rotten food? Why do they even HAVE rotten food at this event! Ghosts can't eat!
Harry Potter wrote on Random Portly Ghost's wall: Hey! I saw you trying to eat that rotten salmon – can you taste it if you walk through it?
Random Portly Ghost: Almost…
Hermione Jean Granger wrote on Harry Potter's wall: They probably let it rot to give it a stronger flavor.
Ronald Weasley: STFU I'm with Harry – I'm gonna puke in about five seconds!
Harry Potter wrote on Peeves the Poltergeist's wall: Hello, Peeves.
Peeves the Poltergeist sent Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley, and Hermione Jean Granger a bowl of peanuts covered in fungus.
Peeves the Poltergeist: Nibbles?
Hermione Jean Granger: No thanks.
Ronald Weasley: BRBVOMVOM.
Peeves the Poltergeist wrote on Hermione Jean Granger's wall: I heard how rudely you were talking about poor Myrtle!
Hermione Jean Granger: Please don't tell her! I didn't mean it!
Peeves the Poltergeist wrote on Moaning Myrtle's wall: OY, MURTLE!
Hermione Jean Granger: Hello, Myrtle…
Moaning Myrtle: What the fuck do you want.
Hermione Jean Granger:How are you, Myrtle? It's nice to see you out of your toilet =)
Peeves the Poltergeist: Buck-toothed Squirrel here was just talking about you.
Hermione Jean Granger: About…how nice you look! Yep! Just that! Are those new glasses?
Moaning Myrtle sent Hermione Jean Granger a suspicious eye.
Moaning Myrtle wrote on Hermione Jean Granger's wall: You're making fun of me.
Hermione Jean Granger: Now! I swear! Wasn't I just talking about how nice she looks? RONALD? HARRY? BACK ME UP HERE.
Harry Potter: Oh yeah…
Ronald Weasley: She did alright. Yep, yep.
Hermione Jean Granger: REALLY convincing, guys.
Ronald Weasley: Yeah, well, it's hard to be a good actor when you think a certain PSYCHO BITCH broke at least five your ribs with her ELBOW.
(Harry Potter likes this.)
Moaning Myrtle:DON'T LIE TO ME! DO YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT PEOPLE CALL ME BEHIND MY BACK? FAT MYRTLE! UGLY MYRTLE! MISERABLE, MOANING, MOPING MYRTLE!
Hermione Jean Granger: Nice alliteration…
Peeves the Poltergeist: You forgot "spotty"!
Moaning Myrtle: WWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHH FUCK YOU ALLLL!
Peeves the Poltergeist: SPOTTY! SPOTTY!
Hermione Jean Granger: Oh, dear.
Peeves the Poltergeist sent Moaning Myrtle pelted moldy peanuts.
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Enjoying yourselves?
Harry Potter: Yes! Most definitely!
Ronald Weasley: Best party ever!
Hermione Jean Granger: You'll have to invite us next year!
Ronald Weasley: TOO FAR, TOO FAR!
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington: Not a bad turnout! The Wailing Widow came all the way from Kent! GTG, guys, gonna make my speech!
(The Wailing Widow likes this.)
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington CAN I HAVE MY MOMENT OF GLORY? DOES THE HEADLESS HUNT HAVE TO CRASH MY PARTY? (sent from mobile)
Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore:NICKY! How ya doin'? Head still hanging in there? LOL.
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington: Welcome, Patrick.
Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore: Hey! Living people are here! OOP! There goes my head LOL.
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington: Very amusing.
Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore: Don't mind Nicky here! He's still pissy we won't let him join the Hunt! But I mean, seriously, look at him –
Harry Potter: …I think Nick's very frightening. And…other scary things. Yeah.
Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore: HAH! Bet he asked you to say that! :P
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington Can I have everyone's attention PLEASE? It's time for my SPEECH! My late lamented lords, ladies and gentlemen, it' is my great sorrow… (sent from mobile)
Sir Patrick Delaney-Podmore: Sorry to disrupt your speech, Nicky, but we're gonna play Head Hockey! Hope you don't mind!
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington: Ugh, fuck this shit. I give up.
Harry Potter is very cold. And very hungry. (sent from mobile)
Ronald Weasley: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
Harry Potter: 'kay. Let's bounce.
Ronald Weasley: Yay! Hopefully there will still be pudding left!
Harry Potter O_O (sent from mobile)
Ronald Weasley: Er…mate? Why did you just stumble to a halt and clutch the wall? You look demented right now.
Harry Potter: STFU it's that voice again! LISTEN!
Harry Potter: FOLLOW ME!
Hermione Jean Granger: Honestly, Harry, what is this?
Harry Potter: SHHH! IT'S GOING TO KILL SOMEONE!
Ronald Weasley: Harry, WTF was that about? We couldn't hear anything!
Hermione Jean Granger: OMFG LOOK!
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED. ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE.
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry: All right, who hacked onto my FB? Not cool! Scary shit! Hold me, Hagrid!
Mrs. Norris is idle.
Ronald Weasley wrote on Harry Potter's wall: Fuck this popsicle stand – let's get out of here!
Harry Potter: Shouldn't we try and help…?
Ronald Weasley: Trust me, we don't want to be found here. It's clearly very suspicious.
Harry Potter shit. Of course everyone finds us here and there's this awkward silence… (sent from mobile)
Draco Malfoy Enemies of the heir, beware! You'll be next, Mudbloods! (sent from mobile)
Harry Potter: The fact that you seem to have knowledge on this is very suspicious indeed…and thus begins my annual obsession with your shady doings!
A/N: Please leave a review! It does take time and effort to write/post these ^_^
D+K
