Author's Note- Again, I want to thank all of you for taking the time to read this. I'm so proud of it, I actually got up off my butt and contributed something meaningful to the FFn community besides anonymous reviews!


4. Keen


Matthew and Chris arrived just as Luke was walking away, and Rory gave them a wary look. The sandy-haired young man approached her with a sheepish look on his face. "I'm told I owe you an apology," he said. "Sorry I was such an ass. I know you're worried too, and you wouldn't have... whatever... if you knew this would happen. I'm just pissed, you know? Jess is really important to us. He's like... the glue that holds Truncheon together. We were just a couple of losers with a printing press until Jess got off that bus."

Rory nodded, giving him a wavering approximation of a smile. "Apology accepted," she said. "And I'm really glad he has friends like you who care about him. When I first knew him, he didn't have anybody. Luke was the first person to really give him a chance, and I was the only one who thought he'd take it. It's good to know he has someone watching out for him." As her own words stirred up a fount of memories- Jess bidding on her basket... Jess reassuring her, during a night drive, that she could achieve her dream... the feel of Jess' lips against hers... his hands cautiously exploring her body... Jess giving her a secret smile he had never shown to anyone else- her eyes welled up with tears again.

"Oh jeez," she hissed, irritated with herself for not being able to keep it together for more than five minutes at a time. "I just can't seem to stop! I promise, I don't cry this much all of the time."

Chris shrugged. "Hospitals are depressing," he said, offering her an easy excuse.

She nodded. "Yeah, I suppose so," she replied, tacitly grateful.


Luke emerged quite a long time later, and his face was grave. Chris stepped forward from where he'd been leaning against the wall, and Matt leapt from the seat next to Rory. The shell-shocked brunette remained sitting and stared up at her almost-stepfather. "How is he?" Matt asked immediately.

Running a hand through his notably hat-less hair, Luke said, "He's... physically alright. Sleeping again, right now. There's still a lot of crap in his system or something like that." He shot a glance at Rory, and looked (if that were possible) even more uncomfortable situation. "He... uh... he said he wanted to see you before you head back to Stars Hollow."

"Okay," she said, willing herself not to tremble with nerves. What the heck was she supposed to say to him? Jess had tried to kill himself over her! What could anyone possibly say in response to that? "I...'ll go in there once he wakes up."

"I think you could probably go in now," Luke said, looking anywhere but at her. It comforted Rory to know that she wasn't the only one struggling to come to terms with this.

"Thanks," she said. She wasn't sure why. Rising to her feet, she walked down the hall, trying very hard to keep walking in a straight line. She had shed too many tears today; dehydration and emotional duress were making her dizzy.

She entered Jess' room with a sense of huge trepidation. She didn't know which would be more of a relief- if he was awake, so she could get what was sure to be an emotionally wracking and uncomfortable conversation, or if he was asleep, leaving her with too much time alone with her feelings (those unnamed, suppressed feelings that had scared her so much for so long that tonight, for all the obvious reasons, were refusing to stay more than half-hidden).

It turned out that he was still asleep, just as Luke had said, and perhaps that was better. Rory gazed down at him, and felt her heart break a little more. His face was sallow, and his eyes had such prominent dark circles beneath them they appeared bruised. He looked sad and unhealthy and very, very small. She brushed a tuft of dark hair out of his eyes; on an impulse, she leaned over him and dropped a soft kiss on his forehead.

He shifted a little in his sleep, and she could have sworn his expression relaxed slightly. He looked so fragile, like a little boy. Had he really done this to himself because of her? Because she was too afraid of getting her heart broken again to take a chance with him? Because settling for Mr. Good Enough was easier than admitting that she'd never really gotten over him?

And there it was. It had been in the back of her head, but as long as she hadn't studied it too closely, she could pretend it wasn't. She could pretend that his aftermath wasn't still echoing in her actions. Everything she'd done since she met him had been dictated by him. Even after he'd left, her hurt had sent her into a tailspin that started with seeking comfort from Dean and ended with her stealing a yacht and dropping out of school. And then he had fixed whatever it was he had broken. Coming back, he had healed the breach he had created, and she had done the rest over the intervening months. He was the only person she'd ever met who had this kind of power over her. He was the only one who could save or destroy her with a few words.

Was this love? She had no idea. For all she knew, it was just the shock of this night. Maybe tomorrow in the daylight her feelings for him would be comfortably stowed away behind locked doors again. If they weren't, though... Well, that would be a pro/con debate for tomorrow. All she knew for certain right now was that she was irrevocably tied in one way or another to the fate of the boy (she had lately been thinking of him as a man, but right now he looked so small and young that she could only think of him as a boy) in the hospital bed before her.

For half a second, she was furious with Jess for once again wrenching her out of her comfort zone. Then she looked at his face, and knew it wasn't worth her anger.

It was all too much for Rory, and she sank down in the chair by Jess' bedside, buried her face in her hands, and burst into tears yet again.

What was wrong with her? She had never been the type to go to pieces at the drop of a hat! Not that Jess'... current situation... was nothing, but except for that one visit a few months back, she hadn't seen him in over a year. This wasn't normal; she didn't think she'd ever cried this much consecutively, and a part of her wondered hazily if her tear ducts would eventually dry out. Every time she managed to catch her breath, though, she would take another look at Jess' wan face, and the waterworks started all over again...


What felt like a very long time later, Rory was slumped over in her chair, trying to stifle yet another crying jag, when she felt cool fingers stroke the back of her hand. The touch sent jolts of electricity up her arm, and she jerked upright, staring at Jess. He was awake, and gave her a tired, forced smile.

"Hey," he said, and his voice sounded weak.

"Hi," she replied, managing to keep her voice steady, even though her heart was breaking yet again to see the barely concealed pain in his eyes. She scooted her chair a little closer to him, subconsciously wanting to find a way to make that look go away.

Jess reached up and wiped a tear from her cheek. "What's this?" he asked, holding up a damp fingertip.

"This is me freaking out," she admitted, not meeting his gaze. It was easier to stare at his forehead instead, and avoid the painful eyes. "You really scared me, Jess."

"Sorry," he mumbled. But it didn't sound completely sincere. After that, neither of them seemed to be able to find anything to say. When more than a minute had dragged by in the uncomfortable quiet, Jess spoke: "So, are you going to ask?"

Rory risked meeting his eyes. "Ask what?"

"Ask why," he explained. "Luke did, and the hospital shrink did. It's only a matter of time before you do, too."

She could feel a slight blush rising in her cheeks in embarrassment and a series of complicated emotions that flicked by too quickly to properly acknowledge. "Matt and Chris seemed to think it was... because of me," she asked, her voice tentative and containing a question.

He didn't respond verbally, but his eyes, as they had always done, gave her all the answers she needed.

"Oh Jess," she said with a heavy sigh. "You were supposed to be okay! You were supposed to be able to forget me! I mean, it's been three years!" She wasn't sure if she was speaking to Jess or to herself.

"Believe me, I know," he said bitterly. "Please don't feel sorry for me. I really don't want your pity."

"I don't pity you!" she exclaimed. "I'm kind of mad at you, actually. I told you before, you're way stronger than that. You were supposed to be okay and move on with your life. Even if you didn't get over it right away, you were supposed to move on, because if you could, then maybe I could, too! As long as you were okay, I was okay!"

Jess shook his head, expression tightening visibly. "Don't say that," he said, closing his eyes as if in pain. "Don't put all that on me, too. I..." He sighed. "Look, Rory, I'll be fine. Last night was... more a mistake than anything. Partially accidental."

Rory gave him an incredulous look, and suddenly anger was rushing up in her. She was furious with him for scaring her like this, for being so damn stupid, for not just getting over her in the first place so it was okay to forget him! She just managed to pull it together and keep her expression something closer to neutral than what she was actually feeling. "How is taking an entire bottle of pain pills accidental?" she demanded.

"I was alone. I was in pain. You know how everything seems like a great idea when you're drunk? I was just trying to find a way to make it stop hurting for awhile. Dying wasn't supposed to be part of the equation."

She scrutinized him for a second, then shook her had. "Nope, I don't buy it," she said certainly. "You might put that one over on everybody else, but you can't fool me. I bet Luke wouldn't believe it, either."

Jess visibly fell back on his old habit of avoidance. "Whatever," he mumbled, looking away.

It hurt. Being shut out, just like when they were kids, hurt more than she remembered. This was her fault, after all; didn't she have a right to understand so that she could find some way to fix it? The anger she had been feeling neared a boiling point, and Rory knew that all the emotions and exhaustions of the day were catching up to her. She was going to boil over if she didn't get away from him right now.

"Maybe I should go," she said quietly.

"Maybe you should," he agreed, eyes fixed firmly on the wall across from him and his voice low and disinterested.

She abandoned the chair and with one last look at him, she walked out the door.


If that was the end of their story, it was the most pathetic ending ever, Rory decided as she threw back another shot of tequila. She had always thought thought that when she and Jess finally ended, one way or another, it would be something explosive. Something conclusive and final and certain, something that they could never back out of or recover from. Maybe that was why they kept being drawn back to each other? Because they both sensed that they were supposed to go out with a bang, not a whimper? Either way, they still never said goodbye.

"Hey, Ror, I think maybe you should stop now," her father said, placing his hand firmly over hers as she reached for a fourth shot. "You might be of age, but just barely. You shouldn't be getting smashed at your best friend's wedding."

Rory sighed and plastered on a smile. "Yeah, I know," she said. "It's just been... a really long day."

Christopher seemed to see through the mask she'd been wearing all day in a moment of perception. "You want to talk about it?" he asked.

"About what?" she responded in what she hoped was an offhand tone.

"About whatever happened to make you look like we're at Lane's funeral, not her wedding."

She couldn't deny that nothing was wrong, but at the same time... "No, I really don't want to talk about it."

Christopher gave her a small smile and caressed her hand gently with his larger one. "Alright then, kiddo, what do you say to us getting your mother home before she does anything else to horribly embarrass the both of us?" Despite herself, Rory shot a glance at her mother and couldn't help but laugh at her current antics.

"That sounds like an excellent idea, Dad."


Lorelai was slumped over in Christopher's arms as Rory opened the door for him to carry her into the house. "Get her over to the couch," she instructed.

"Boy, I must say, when your mom does something, she really commits," Christopher joked.

Rory gave him a Not Amused look. "Just prop her up," she said dryly. "I'm going to make some coffee."

Her father gave her a dubious look. "Uh, you know hon," he said, "If the two gallons we poured down her throat at the wedding didn't do anything, I'm not sure what two more cups will."

She sighed, but she was actually feeling better than she had all day. Dealing with her mother's drunkenness was something to take her mind off the events of yesterday (though not completely- a part of her was still dwelling heavily on the subject). "Hey, no one knows how to wrangle the full powers of the coffee bean like a Gilmore. Just prop her up. She hates to get pillow face," she said, only partially kidding.

"Pillow face. Right."

Rory removed to the kitchen and set about preparing the coffee. Just as she was settling the filter in place, however, her cell phone rang. "Hello?" she answered absentmindedly.

"Rory? It's Colin!" came the frantic voice on the end of the line.

"Colin?" she asked, suddenly paying close attention. "What's the matter? Why are you calling?"

"It's Logan," he responded. "He--" The connection, already fuzzy, cut out for a moment. "--The cliff, and the damn parach--" Again, the line buzzed with static. "--n't open."

Despite the gaps in his sentences, Rory caught the gist of what he was saying. "Oh my god, is he okay?" she asked.

"We don't know," Colin said sadly.

Rory waited for it. She waited for the moment when all the air would disappear from the room and the world would fall out from underneath her and she would feel like she was drowning. She waited for the helplessness. She waited for tears. She waited for the terror and the panic and the feeling like a part of her physical body had been ripped right out of her.

But it didn't come.

What?


A/N2- And that's that, folks! I would have posted this earlier today, but I wanted to do one final edit before I uploaded it. Thanks for all your reviews and comments, they really inspire me to write more stories soon. The final chapter will be posted Tuesday (earlier if I get enough feedback!), and a sequel will be forthcoming.