Chapter Four

The first thing the Doctor thought of when he got a good look at Shak Mananak Balome was the man looked exactly like Jabba the Hutt. The ruler of Ruruluk was reclining on a small hill of cushions dressed in a navy blue bathrobe that lay open revealing his lily white, rotund gut. The Doctor noticed that the only other thing he was wearing was a pair of black Speedos that was barely visible beneath the enormous fat roll. Looking at him, the Doctor waited for him to start laughing with a deep Ho, ho, ho as the wall behind them slid up and revealed the Rancor monster.

"You are not Lorelei!" Balome finally said.

The Doctor blinked. He imagined the man would have a deep voice like Jabba; instead, he spoke with a high-pitched, nerdy whine that didn't fit his body type at all. It threw the Doctor for a loop, and it took him a moment to recover and speak with his feminine voice.

"My name is Lorelei, highness," he said, wondering if the real Lorelei was singing his praises for saving her from the horror of having to service Shamu the whale.

"You are not the Lorelei I sent for," Balome said, sounding like a five-year-old kid that had just been told he wasn't going to Disneyland.

"You did not specify which Lorelei you wanted, highness," the Doctor said, shrugging.

Balome stared at him for a moment, confused. Then he looked over at Rose, and an oily grin spread over his face, as he picked up a goblet of alcohol and took a sip.

"Now you are the Rose I sent for," he purred, gesturing to her with the goblet.

"God, suddenly I hate my name," Rose muttered to the Doctor.

"I hope you will be a bit more receptive to me now that you've settled in," he continued. "I realize it must have been a shock being taken away from your friends like that, but soon you will grow to love me."

"Ho, ho, ho, ho," the Doctor muttered to himself.

Rose gave him a questioning glance.

"I'll explain later," he said.

"Come to me, my beautiful one," he said, to her.

The Doctor felt Rose start to back away.

"Come to me or you will suffer!" Balome said.

"Doctor," Rose whispered.

"Leave it to me, Rose," the Doctor said, in his normal tone of voice.

He sighed.

"The things I do for love," he muttered under his breath.

He switched to his feminine voice, as Balome prepared to summon a guard to force Rose to go to him.

"Wait!" he said. "Why do you want this old cow when you can have me?"

The Doctor stiffened, realizing he had just gone too far when he saw the murderous look in Rose's eyes.

"Sorry," he murmured. "I don't really mean that, you know."

"Just watch it, buster, or I'll get a knife and make you female permanently!"

The Doctor swallowed hard and focused his gaze on Balome, who was staring at him intently.

"I…uh…can please you better than Rose can, highness," the Doctor said choosing his words carefully. "I am skilled at many things including making love."

He could tell Balome was intrigued with him. He breathed a sigh of relief knowing that he was keeping his eyes off Rose. He wasn't thrilled with the idea of the horny blob coming on to him, but standing by and watching him shag Rose was a horrifying thought, so he swallowed his pride and continued with his seduction.

"And just what can you do, my pretty one?" Balome purred.

"I can do many things," the Doctor purred back.

Balome smiled.

"Show me, Lorelei," he said.

"Oh, this oughta be good," Rose muttered.

The Doctor got into his best seductive pose, batting his eyelids at Balome who sipped his drink and gave her an appraising stare. He started to wiggle his hips and rub his hands up and down his body while Rose tried not to laugh. She glanced over at Balome and snorted when she saw he was into his performance.

"God, man must be really drunk or really horny if he's getting off on this," she muttered.

The Doctor paused for a moment and then he began to jerk his hips around while he sang out,

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours,
Damn right it's better than yours, I can teach you, but I have to charge.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours,
Damn right it's better than yours, I can teach you, but I have to charge.

"Oh Jesus," Rose muttered, putting her head in her hand.

The Doctor ran his hands up and down his body, as he neared closer to him.

I know you want it, the thing that makes me.
What the guys go crazy for.
They lose their minds, the way I wind, I think its time.

The Doctor did a high kick that Rose had to admit was impressive. He spun around and began to shake his butt at Balome.

La la-la la la, warm it up.
Lala-lalala, the boys are waiting.

La la-la la la, warm it up.
Lala-lalala, the boys are waiting.

"I had no idea the Doctor knew the lyrics to this song, and frankly, I don't wanna know how he learned it," Rose muttered to herself.

She lowered her head to her hand and groaned while the Doctor fell to his knees and undulated while Balome stared at him with unbridled lust.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours,
Damn right it's better than yours, I can teach you, but I have to charge.

"If you charge, Doctor, you better make damn sure you get the money up front," Rose muttered.

The Doctor rose up and settled down on the cushions next to Balome. He continued to undulate, as Balome ran his meaty finger down his cheek.

I can see you're on it, you want me to teach thee.
Techniques that freaks these boys, it can't be bought, just know, thieves get caught.
Watch if you're smart.

Balome applauded.

"Excellent!" he said. "You really are talented, my pretty one."

"Oh, I have other talents besides singing and dancing." the Doctor said, fluttering his eyelashes.

"Damn, what a time to be caught without my camera," Rose muttered.

By now, Rose had been completely forgotten, as Balome ran his hand slowly up the Doctor's side.

"So, my little minx, what other talents do you have then?" he said, in a throaty voice.

"I have an extensive knowledge of pressure points," the Doctor purred.

Balome's eyebrows rose.

"Oooo, what kinds of pressure points?" he said.

"The kind of pressure points that render you unconscious and allow us to escape," the Doctor cooed.

Balome stared at him in confusion.

"What does that me…"

He was cut off when the Doctor seized the nerve in his neck, pinched it, and knocked him out.

"That's what it means!" he said, in his normal voice.

He sighed and stood up. He looked down at Balome and shuddered.

"Ugh, I'm so glad I didn't eat this morning," he said.

He turned and noticed Rose was giggling at him.

"Don't say a word, Tyler," he said, pointing his finger at her.

Rose began to jerk her body around.

"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like, it's better than yours!" she said, mimicking the Doctor.

She bent over laughing, as the Doctor glowered at her.

"I'd like to see you do better than that, Rose," he said, walking towards her. "Apparently, I was so convincing that I got him to lust after me instead of you."

"Doctor, his fat ass was so pissed; he'd probably hump a lamppost if it came on to him." Rose said.

"Humph," the Doctor said giving her a haughty look. "Well, I for one thought it was an extremely seductive performance."

"It was something, but it wasn't seductive. I thought it looked more like a drag queen on LSD having an epileptic seizure, but hey, if you wanna think of it as seductive, be my guest."

She poked him in the side and walked away, as the Doctor mumbled under his breath.

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The Doctor was able to subdue the guards standing outside Balome's doorway with the same neck pinch he had used on Balome. After that, there was no need to do anything since every other guard including the ones at the gate had been rendered unconscious. The Doctor looked at Rose, as they walked through the gate.

"I guess Jack and the women did a good job getting themselves out," he said to her.

He took her hand, and they hurried off into the woods towards the TARDIS.

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The Doctor drummed his fingers on the console and sighed angrily. He could hear rock music coming from the rec room where Jack was currently entertaining the forty harem girls. The music was so loud he could hear it loud and clear even though the rec room was some distance away.

Rose entered the console room, finishing a sandwich.

"He's still going at it," she said, walking up to him. "I just checked, and he's sitting in the middle of all of them telling stories and dirty jokes."

She hesitated a moment.

"He…uh…invited me to join them, but I told him you wouldn't like it," she added.

"Rose, this is a time machine, is it not?" the Doctor said.

"Yes."

"It is not a brothel, right?"

"Right."

The Doctor turned around, leaned against the console, and pointed at the back door.

"Well, apparently Jack didn't get the memo about that because he's turning my ship into one!" he said angrily. "My TARDIS is not party central, nor is it his personal shag pad! Those women are gonna have to go because I'm pretty sure there will be a mass orgy if this keeps up!"

"Well, what are we gonna do then?" Rose asked.

The Doctor folded his arms over his chest as he thought. A grin slowly spread over his face, and he giggled.

"Oh, I know just the thing to put a stop to this," he said, punching in some coordinates.

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The cog door rolled back, and Gwen hurried into the room, as the TARDIS materialized in the corner.

"Doctor! Great to see you!" Gwen said, when the door opened, and he stuck his head out.

"Likewise, Gwen," the Doctor said, nodding.

He smiled at her.

"Is Ianto around? Jack wants to see him. He's missed him a lot," he said, innocently.

"Yeah, hang on, I'll go get him."

"Thanks, Gwen,"

As she went to fetch him, he stuck his head back in the TARDIS and smiled at Rose who was standing beside him.

"Jacky boy is about to get a surprise visit from his lover," he said, to her.

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Ianto followed the Doctor, as he led him back to the rec room. The rock music grew louder, as they came closer.

"Jack is back here?" Ianto said, to him.

"Yup, he wants to see you, said he has something you should see," the Doctor said, casually.

He stopped and pointed to a room at the end of the corridor.

"He's in there, just make yourself at home Ianto," the Doctor said, patting him on the shoulder.

"Thanks, Doctor," Ianto replied.

The Doctor nodded and hurried away, as Ianto walked towards the rec room.

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"And so I said to him, you have two choices, surrender, or eat lead!"

The women cooed and giggled, as Jack paused to take a sip of wine.

"Well, the guy refused to put down his gun, and he started firing at me, so I jumped behind a rock and started firing back and---"

"AHEM!"

Jack jerked his head up and looked towards the door. His mouth dropped to the floor when he saw Ianto standing there with murder in his eyes.

"Ianto!" he said, in a high-pitched voice, as he leapt to his feet.

"Hello, Jack," Ianto said coldly. "Busy entertaining?"

Jack shifted his feet.

"Um…well…I…um…I'm just…looking after these poor women until the Doctor can take them back to their planets."

He frowned.

"What are you doing here?"

"The Doctor is at Torchwood right now, said you wanted to see me, said you missed me," Ianto said, folding his arms over his chest.

Jack cursed the Doctor under his breath.

"Damn it, Doc, you could have just told me to knock it off, and I would have listened," he muttered to himself.

"So, what exactly were you and these women going to do if the Doctor hadn't stopped by Torchwood?" Ianto said to him.

Jack coughed nervously.

"Um…nothing, really, just telling stories, and jokes, keeping them entertained."

"Uh-huh, you sure that was the only entertainment they were going to get?"

Jack glanced down at the women who were looking at both the men in silence.

"Look…uh…why….why don't you and I leave the TARDIS and have a nice, long chat, perhaps over some dinner?" Jack said, hopefully.

Ianto stared at him silently.

"My treat," Jack added.

Ianto narrowed his eyes.

"And then we can have some fun with the old stopwatch, afters?"

Ianto said nothing. Jack sighed and glanced down at the women.

"Ladies, look, you have been very charming, but I'm afraid I must go," he said, to them. "My boyfriend and I have to straighten a few things out."

He tried to get through them and grunted when the women dove at him and seized his legs. He looked down at them and looked over at Ianto who was now red in the face.

"Ianto, this isn't what it looks like!" Jack said, desperately. "All I did was talk to them! Honestly!"

Ianto turned and walked away. Jack wrenched his legs out of the women's grasp and ran after him.

"Ianto, wait! Let me explain!" he yelled, as he dashed after him.

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The Doctor sat in the captain's chair with his feet up on the console. Jack had left the TARDIS with Ianto apologizing profusely to him. The Doctor had managed to sort out what planets the women had come from and took them all home. Now, he was taking a well-deserved rest.

He glanced over and smiled when Rose came into the room. He patted the seat beside him and put his arm around her shoulder when she sat down.

"Think Jack will ever forgive ya for doing that to him?" she asked.

"Oh yeah, he won't stay mad at me for long. It was his fault anyway. If I hadn't stopped him, he probably would have shagged those women and after all they've been through, the last thing they need is someone taking advantage of them like that. Jack isn't the kind to hold a grudge, not against me at any rate. He'll be back."

He smiled at her.

"Thing is, he forgot to take his harem outfit, and he forgot to pay me the five quid he owes me."

"Why does he owe you five quid?"

"Because he and I had a bet that you would know it was me as soon as you saw me, and I won," he said, smugly.

He sighed.

"Ah well, I'll get it from him the next time he travels with us," he added.

He smiled at Rose.

"So, where to next?" he asked.

Rose grinned.

"Are there any other places you could wear the harem girl outfit?"

The Doctor's eyes widened.

"What?"

"I mean, I thought you looked pretty cute in it," she purred. "It's a shame you only wore it once, you need to wear it somewhere else now."

"Rose Tyler, I wouldn't wear that thing again if you paid me!"

Rose pouted.

"Not even for me?" she said, batting her eyelashes.

"No!"

"You won't put it on just for me and sing the milkshake song again?"

"No!"

Rose gave him the puppy dog eyes.

"Puh-leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze!" she said.

The Doctor stared at her while the gears in his head turned.

"Okay, I'll wear it, on one condition," he said.

"Yeah, what?"

He grinned.

"You have to wear it first and do the milkshake song for me!" he said.

Rose considered that. She shrugged.

"Eh, it's a small price to pay to see you wear that getup again," she said.

The Doctor chuckled and took her hand.

"Rose Tyler, I think this is the beginning of a weird little fetish for us, and if it is, you are not to tell a soul because if Jack gets wind of this, he'll be wanting us to wear the outfits 24/7, got that?"

"Got it!"

The Doctor kissed her hand and stood up.

"Well, get up then, Tyler, it's time to see whose milkshake is better!"

Rose giggled and leapt up.

"My milkshake is better than yours!" she said, as they walked towards the back door.

"Nah, my milkshake is nice and creamy, yours is just a tasteless little mix that they use in restaurants."

"P'eh, we'll see about that, then!" Rose said.

The Doctor grinned at her.

"Five quid?"

"You're on, buster!"

"Then get in there, Tyler, and put your money where your arse is!"

Rose laughed and ran off.

"Last one there is a drag queen!" she called out.

She howled with laughter when the Doctor took off after her and chased her down the corridor towards the wardrobe room.

THE END.