September 11, 2001
Chapter 4
Annie heard on the radio that another plane had crashed into the Pentagon. There were unconfirmed reports that a car or truck bomb had gone off at the White House, but there was confusion about the veracity of those reports. Annie whispered a prayer for the rescue workers, the survivors, the families, and for Bobby. She tried once to call him from her cell phone, but it wasn't working.
She walked into the ER and was stunned by the silence. There were 2 or 3 people in the waiting room. None of them seemed to be seriously ill or injured and were waiting patiently to be seen by a doctor while watching the television. The few patients in rooms already were quiet and subdued, as were the nurses and doctors as they treated them. The television in the doctor's lounge was on and turned up so that it could be heard in the hallways. Someone had brought in a small portable TV and put it at the reception desk. Everyone who was not with a patient was gathered in one of those two places, transfixed by the images.
Annie went to the lounge and put her things in her locker. She stood for a moment watching with two other nurses as smoke poured from the two towers. As they watched one of the towers collapsed, seeming to implode on itself, causing a huge gray cloud to billow up around it and spread outward. Annie heard gasps around her, she heard the news reporters talking excitedly, but all the sound seemed to come from far away. Her only thought was "Where is Bobby?"
She pulled her cell phone from her pocket and dialed Bobby, but her phone still was not working. She ran to the reception desk to use the phone there. She dialed his cell phone, praying that his would be working. But she got a recording that her call could not be completed. She dialed several times, but the call would not go through. She tried calling One Police Plaza, thinking that even if he wasn't there, someone would know where he was. But again no calls were going through.
She knew there was nothing more to do about finding Bobby except pray, which she did silently and constantly. She went to work, concentrating on the patients. With the rest of the staff she watched on TV as the second tower fell. Then there was the news of an airplane crashing in a field in Pennsylvania, with speculation about whether it was related to the first three. Periodically she went to the telephone and tried to call Bobby's cell, Alex's cell, and 1 Police Plaza. But she was not able to get through.
The staff waited for an influx of wounded patients from the site, but it stayed quiet all morning. Even the normal traffic through the ER seemed slower than usual. As they waited, they all watched the horror unfold on television. And Annie remembered how hard it was to be separated from Bobby when he was in Korea.
True to his word, Bobby did write to Annie nearly every day and she wrote back just as often. Annie wrote about everything in her life; her job, her roommates, Janey's engagement, her grandfather, the books she was reading, movies she saw, every detail of her life, past and present. Bobby's letters were filled with information about his work, his research, his exploration of Korea. But there were few references to his family. He called her once a week. The calls were disappointingly short due to the long distance charges but Annie looked forward to them. In every letter and every phone call they told each other how much they missed one another and how eagerly they looked forward to Bobby's leave.
It would be six months before he could take leave again and he promised to come back to New York. Six months seemed like a lifetime but finally she was waiting at the airport for him to arrive. She couldn't believe how natural it seemed to have him there again and how easily the two weeks fell into a pattern. Annie worried that eating out every day was too expensive, so they had dinner at her apartment most evenings. Sometimes she cooked, sometimes Bobby cooked, but mostly they worked together. Having time alone was a problem since she had three roommates and Bobby was staying with Lewis. But they spent a lot of time in the park, walking or sitting on a bench.
Of the two weeks that Bobby was on leave, there were three days that they were not together. He said that he needed to spend time with his mother. Annie had hoped he would introduce them, but he made no mention of having her meet his family.
The two weeks sped by and he was gone again. It was harder to say goodbye this time. Annie knew she was falling in love with him, but Bobby never said anything about his feelings for her, except that he missed her when he was away.
They began another six months of long letters and brief phone calls. Bobby told her about a profiler that the FBI had sent over to assist in a hunt for a serial killer. He was excited to be working with and learning from the famous Declan Gage.
Annie kept busy with work and with helping Janey with plans for her wedding. Annie was to be her maid of honor. She was happy for her friend, although it meant she would be losing a roommate. Janey was one of the first friends she had made when she moved to New York to go to nursing school.
As the date got closer, Annie realized that Bobby would be back in New York on leave. She asked him to be her date and he agreed. She requested the entire two weeks off from work and made plans to take Bobby to her grandfather's house in Connecticut for a few days before the wedding.
The first three days of his leave, Bobby spent with his mother. It was torture for Annie knowing that he was in town but she couldn't see him. He called her every night, but she wasn't sure if that made it easier or harder. His reluctance to discuss his family or let her meet them concerned her. But she believed that eventually he would open up.
The morning they left for Connecticut Bobby showed up at her apartment with his suitcase. When she saw him at her front door, tall and handsome in a black tee shirt and jeans, she couldn't help throwing herself into his arms. He laughed and held her tightly. He held her face between his large hands and tilted her head so that she was looking into his eyes. He just looked at her for a long time, as though he were trying to memorize every feature. He lowered his head and kissed her for a long time.
They were driving to Connecticut in Annie's small ten year old car. When Bobby saw her car, he looked at her incredulously.
"A Pinto?! You've got to be kidding me!"
Annie said, "What's wrong with a Pinto? It's old, but it runs great and gets good gas mileage."
She laughed at Bobby as he folded himself into the car. It was definitely not designed for a 6'4" man. Annie entertained him with stories of the family members he was going to meet during the drive to Connecticut. As she drove down the tree-lined street, she had the same feeling of home-coming that she always had when she came to visit Grandpa. And as the two-story yellow farmhouse that she grew up in came into view she got misty-eyed. Bobby noticed and reached over and squeezed her hand.
"Brings back memories, doesn't it", he asked.
"Oh yes. Grandpa has lived in this house all his life. And so did his father. His grandfather built it."
"It's beautiful."
As Bobby got out of the car and opened Annie's door, Grandpa came out of the house. He stood on the porch and watched them as they came up the steps. He hugged Annie and then turned to shake Bobby's hand.
"Grandpa, this is Bobby Goren. Bobby, this is my grandfather Earl Paine."
"Well, it's good to meet you, young man. Annie must think a lot of you to subject you to this wild bunch." Her grandfather had planned a barbeque and she could hear the sounds of people in the backyard.
"I'm very glad to meet you too, sir. Annie has told me a lot about you."
Just then the door slammed open and her two cousins, Jack and Bruce, burst through. They and their sister, Marian, were more like siblings to Annie than cousins. Jack caught Annie up in a bear hug, while Bruce introduced himself to Bobby. Marian came around the house from the backyard with Uncle Tom and Aunt Jeane. Introductions were made all around, then Aunt Jeane shooed everyone to the backyard while Annie and Bobby took their things upstairs.
Annie showed Bobby the guest room and then showed him her childhood bedroom across the hall. Grandpa hadn't changed anything since she left and Bobby smiled at the stuffed animals on the bed and the various high school awards.
"Math whiz and choir. Your grandfather is proud of you."
Annie sighed, "I've tried to get him to redecorate this room, but he won't. So, are you ready to face the throng? They're noisy and sometimes rowdy, but not too dangerous."
Bobby laughed and told her, "I'm ready."
She took his hand. He pulled her close and kissed her before they headed down the stairs and out the back door. The rest of the afternoon and evening was a blur of family, laughter, stories, singing, food, and children running underfoot. By the time everything had been cleaned up and everyone had left, it was late. Grandpa said goodnight and went upstairs. Annie and Bobby settled down on the comfortable, padded love seat on the deck. He pulled her close and she leaned back against his broad chest.
"So you survived your first Paine barbeque. Everyone liked you a lot. I'm going to have to keep an eye on a couple of my younger cousins. They are already lusting for you."
Bobby laughed. "Your family is great. Do they get together like this a lot?"
"Well, a few times a year for the entire bunch, like today. But my aunt and uncle and cousins spend a lot of time with Grandpa. I get up here at least once a month. How often do you see your family?"
"I keep in touch with my mother and see her as much as I can when I'm in New York. I don't see my father or my brother very much. We aren't big on family reunions."
Annie started to ask more about his family, but before she could Bobby began pointing out the different constellations. She took the hint and let the subject of his family drop. It made her sad that he wasn't very close to his family. She couldn't imagine not having lots of family to share her happy and sad moments with.
The sound of his voice and the feel of his arms around her and his chest against her back made her wish they could stay there forever. Finally Bobby whispered in her ear that they should get some sleep. They walked upstairs and outside Annie's bedroom door, he held her close and kissed her. She put her arms around him and buried her face in his chest.
"I'm so glad you're here. I really want you to like my family", she whispered.
Bobby hesitated before placing a kiss on the top of her head and telling her, "I'm glad I'm here too."
Annie woke long before dawn and quickly got up and dressed. This was a tradition for Annie since she had moved to New York. Every time she visited Grandpa she would get up early on her first morning home and go to the beach to watch the sun rise over the ocean. She hesitated outside Bobby's room, but didn't wake him. As much as she wanted to share this with him, this first morning was for her alone.
She drove to her favorite spot and parked her car. She took a flashlight with her because it was still dark, and a blanket to sit on. She made her way down to the beach, spread out her blanket and sat down. She sat in the dark, inhaling the fishy, briny smell of the ocean and listening to the sound of the waves. As her eyes adjusted, she could make out the waves lapping on the shore. A familiar feeling of peace filled her. She had always told Grandpa that she could hear the voice of God in the sound of the waves. While she didn't consider herself very religious these days the ocean still had the same effect on her.
She sat and watched the sun come up, then picked up her blanket and headed back to Grandpa's house. Grandpa was in the kitchen pouring a cup of coffee when she returned. He smiled and filled a mug with hot water for Annie, her preferred hot beverage. They sat at the small kitchen table and watched the early morning sun filtering through the trees in the backyard.
"You like this boy a lot", Grandpa said.
Annie laughed. "He's twenty nine years old, Grandpa. Hardly a boy. And yes, I do like him a lot."
"Young man, then", Grandpa chuckled. He was silent for a moment and then said softly, "You're in love with him."
Annie could never keep anything from Grandpa. The few times she tried to lie to him when she was growing, he always knew. He told her, "I can read your face like a book, Annie." This was the reason she was so terrible at playing poker. Her expressive face always gave her away, a fact that her cousins had no scruples about exploiting. She sighed as she thought how much she hoped Bobby couldn't read her as well as Grandpa could.
She didn't answer Grandpa, but he didn't seem to expect her to. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Grandpa asked, "Does he love you?"
"He hasn't said anything."
"He will", Grandpa said. "I've been watching him. He opens doors for you. I like that. When he's in a crowd he looks to see where you are every few minutes, he watches you when he thinks you aren't looking, and he smiles whenever you smile, even if you are across the yard and he doesn't know what you are smiling about."
They heard Bobby coming down the stairs. Grandpa insisted on making breakfast for them, so afterwards Bobby and Annie sent him out while they cleaned up. Annie spent the day showing Bobby around her hometown. It was a small town and it seemed that most of the people in town knew Annie and wanted to meet her "young man". She showed him the high school she attended, the library where she had spent so much of her time, the diner where all the high school kids still hung out, the small local historical museum.
That night, Bobby insisted on taking them out for dinner. They ate at a small Italian restaurant. Bobby had Veal Parmigiana, Annie had the Fettuccine Alfredo, and Grandpa had Spaghetti and Meatballs. Everyone had Tiramisu for dessert. They talked and laughed through dinner. Grandpa told stories about his days working for the Post Office, his experiences in the Navy during WWII. Bobby talked about his work with CID and profiling. Annie didn't say very much, she just enjoyed listening to them. She was happy that Grandpa and Bobby seemed to hit it off so well.
The next day Annie took him to her uncle's ranch. Bobby had never ridden a horse before, but he was a quick study. He listened carefully to all of Jack's instructions and followed them to the letter. Annie's aunt packed lunches for them and they went on a long ride with Jack, Bruce, and Marian. It felt good to be on a horse again, and to be with her cousins. Most of all, it felt good for Bobby to be part of it. They rode down to the beach and had lunch there. Jack and Bruce vied to see who could tell the most embarrassing story about Annie.
Back at Grandpa's, Annie made dinner for the three of them. Grandpa was having some friends over for poker and invited Bobby to play with them. Before the others arrived, Bobby and Annie went for a walk. They held hands and talked. She found out to her shock that Bobby didn't care for the beach. But he assured her that being with her and her cousins had made it enjoyable.
When they got back to the house, Grandpa's friends were there ready to play. They invited both Annie and Bobby to join them and she played a few hands. But, as always, she lost to the great amusement of all the men at the table. She laughingly scolded them for not being very gentlemanly and excused herself. She insisted Bobby stay because she could see he was enjoying himself. She got a book and curled up on the couch in the living room. She listened to the men talking and heard Grandpa asking Bobby about his plans for the future.
"You seem to be doing well in the Army. Are you planning on making a career of it?"
"I thought I was. But lately I've been thinking that I might leave when my enlistment is over. I'm thinking of joining the NYPD."
It made Annie smile to think of Bobby being in New York permanently. The sound of the men's voices, interspersed with laughter, gave her a warm feeling of being home. These sounds, and these men, had been a part of most of her childhood. She read until the men left and Grandpa went upstairs. Bobby got a book, joined her on the couch, and put his arm around her. They sat and read in silence for a while. Annie became sleepy and Bobby repositioned her so that she was lying on the couch with her head on his lap. As he read, he absent-mindedly ran his fingers through her hair.
Annie sighed in contentment. She was very sleepy now. She laid her book down in front of her and closed her eyes, thinking it was just for a moment. As she dozed off she whispered, "I love you." She didn't feel Bobby's hand freeze or how he tensed.
The sun was shining and Grandpa was in the kitchen when she woke up the next morning. She was on the couch with a blanket over her. Bobby must have covered her last night. She stretched and thought about the last few days. They were leaving today and the next few days would be busy, preparing for Janey's wedding. She got up and went upstairs to shower and dress. When she came down, Bobby was in the kitchen with Grandpa. They ate breakfast, but Bobby was quiet this morning.
As they put their things in the car and prepared to leave, Grandpa came out to hug Annie. He shook hands with Bobby and said, "It was good to meet you. I look forward to seeing more of you."
Bobby replied, "Yes sir, it was good meeting you too."
He was quiet on the drive back to New York. She tried to draw him into conversation, but finally gave up and they rode in silence. At Annie's apartment, Bobby carried her suitcase up for her and then said he couldn't stay.
"Is anything wrong? You've been so quiet today."
"No, nothing's wrong."
"I'm going to be busy with Janey for the next few days. But maybe we can go to lunch or dinner?"
"It's OK, I know how busy you will be. I think I'm going to spend a few days with my mother."
"See you for the rehearsal dinner?"
"Sure, I'll pick you up at 6:30."
Annie watched Bobby walk towards the stairway with an uneasy feeling. He had been so quiet all day. She wondered if he was angry about something, but couldn't think of any reason that he would be. She considered running after him and asking if she had done anything to anger him, but decided against it.
The next three days were a flurry of shopping, decorating, fittings, and lunches. The four roommates spent every night talking, laughing, and remembering the fun they had shared over the years. Annie called Lewis' apartment once, but Lewis told her Bobby had gone to stay at his mother's apartment for a few days. He offered to give her the phone number, but she told him, "No thank you. I'll be seeing him in a few days anyway." Bobby had not given her his mother's phone number, so she felt uncomfortable getting it from Lewis.
On the day of the rehearsal dinner, Annie was busy all day with last minute details. As Maid of Honor she was determined that Janey would have the wedding of her dreams and not have to worry about details. The rehearsal in the afternoon was typically hectic and disorganized. Janey was frazzled and worried that the wedding would be a disaster, but Annie assured her that it would all go without a hitch. She crossed her fingers as she fibbed about how confident she was about that.
She was the only one home when the doorbell rang at 6:30. Annie opened the door and Bobby stood there looking so handsome in a suit and tie it took her breath away. He smiled appreciatively at the sight of Annie in her green dress. But even as he smiled she realized that whatever had been wrong the other day was still on his mind. He leaned down and kissed her lightly. They held hands as they walked to the garage and Bobby held the driver's side door open for her to get in. He was silent on the drive to the restaurant. She desperately wanted to ask him what was wrong, but decided to wait until after the dinner.
Bobby was quieter than usual during dinner, but made an effort to join in conversation and to laugh with the others as family and friends told stories about the bride and groom. He only asked Annie to dance once, but even then he seemed distracted. She asked him if they could leave early, saying she wanted to get as much sleep as possible because the next day would be so busy. He readily agreed and they said their goodbyes. At the door to Annie's apartment, she turned and looked up at him.
"Bobby….." She suddenly wasn't sure what to say. She took a breath and started again. "Bobby, is something wrong? Have I done something to make you angry?"
He looked at her and didn't answer for a long moment. Finally he said, "No, no, you haven't done anything and I'm not angry. I'm sorry if I haven't been very good company."
Annie reached up and rubbed her fingers along his tie clip. She took hold of his tie and tugged slightly, telling him, "If there's something wrong, you can talk to me."
Bobby put his forearm on the wall above Annie's head and leaned close to her. He kissed her lightly and said, "There is something I want to talk to you about, but now isn't the time. After all the wedding stuff is done and things calm down, we'll talk."
He started to pull back, but she tightened her grip on his tie. She used the tie to pull his head down and kissed him again. She touched her tongue to his lips and pushed to part them. Bobby hesitated for a moment, then he parted his lips and let her tongue explore his mouth. Annie let go of his tie and put her arms around his neck and pulled him closer. He slid his arms around her waist and held her tightly. Bobby responded as the kiss became more heated and passionate. He moved his hands up to her face as he pressed her back against the wall. His lips moved from hers and he began cover her face with kisses. He kissed her eyes, her cheeks, her ears, and moved down to her throat and the sensitive hollow there. The thumb of his left hand moved to lightly caress the skin along the square neckline of her dress. She shivered at the feel of his thumb as it moved across her skin. His hands went back to her waist and he pulled her closer. His lips moved down to the neckline of her dress. He used the tip of his tongue to follow the trail his thumb had traced across the top of her breasts. Annie threaded the fingers of both hands in his hair. She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the wall. She arched her back slightly to increase the contact of his tongue with her skin. Her breathing was shallow and rapid. She knew she had to stop this. Bobby's kisses retraced the path back to her throat, her face, her mouth. He took her bottom lip lightly between his teeth, teasing her with his tongue. His mouth covered hers and his hands moved to her buttocks. He pulled her hips tightly against his own. She could feel his response to her and tightened her embrace.
Bobby ended the kiss and wrapped his arms around her waist. He rested his head next to hers, his breathing warm and ragged against her ear. They stood like that for several long minutes. Annie could feel the rapid thudding of both their hearts. Finally Bobby whispered, "I have to go" and pulled away. She dropped her arms and watched as he turned and walked quickly down the hallway to the stairs without looking back. She leaned back against the wall for a moment before unlocking the door with shaking hands.
She went to her room and sat on her bed. She felt cold and couldn't stop shaking. She regretted having started that entire episode. She hadn't meant to mislead him; she didn't play those kinds of games with men. She was serious about not having sex and about not giving second chances. Never before had she wavered in her principles, and it frightened her to realize how close she had come tonight to tossing those principles out the window. She knew that it was Bobby who stopped her from going too far and she felt ashamed.
She wondered if Bobby had become frustrated with her "rules" and wanted to stop seeing her because of it. And why not, she thought. It was obvious that he was not in love with her and so their relationship was not going to progress any further. Why would he continue to see her, knowing that letters, meals, and walks were all that they would ever share? There had to be many women who would be more than happy to sleep with him. Of course he had no reason to waste any more of his time on her. He had introduced her to a former girlfriend when they ran into her at a restaurant one night. Irene was tall, leggy, brunette, and a stockbroker. Annie had felt short and dumpy next to her and wondered if Irene was more Bobby's "type".
For the first time in her life, Annie considered relaxing one of her rules. But even as the thought occurred to her, she knew that she couldn't do it. If sex were the only way to keep Bobby, she would rather lose him. She lay back on the bed and let her tears flow. By the time the girls returned from the rehearsal dinner, Annie had cried herself out. She had taken a shower, changed into her pajamas, and put a cold washcloth over her puffy eyes. If they could tell she had been crying, no one said anything.
This was the last night the four would be together as roommates and they stayed up late, in their pajamas, eating ice cream. They talked about Janey's future with the man of her dreams. Once they had all finally gone to bed, Annie lay awake thinking about Bobby. She had begun to think he was the man of her dreams. She realized that she had allowed herself to fall in love and it broke her heart to think that he didn't feel the same way. She finally fell into a restless sleep.
End Chapter 4
