In which Starfire goes to court, Wednesday visits the set, and the Titans get existential.

CHAPTER FOUR:

THE BATTLE

JENJEN : Hi hi hey hi !

AIMI : *pushes Jenjen out of the way* Shut up, whiny brat ! This is MY show ! Oh...*notices viewers*...ah...right...Today, on the Insane Babble Channel, we're airing the super-special insider's copy of Starfire's court trial, in which she pleads on constitutional grounds for her relase from the Mental Ward ! *rolls tape*

ON SCREEN

KORI : Court is now in session !

STAR : Wait...you are the judge ?

KORI : Correct.

STAR : I am doomed.

KORI : Okay, so, Starfire, we are gathered here today to witness the trial for your release from the Mental Ward. And on what grounds is this on ?

STAR : Consitutional.

KORI : And in what way is it unconstitutional to place you in a home for the mentally unwell ?

ROBIN : You can't take her away from meeeeeee !

KORI : And who might you be ?

ROBIN : Her lawyer. And I say it's unconstitutional to break the bonds of love between two semi-fictional characters !

RAVEN : *from the Great Beyond* I object !

STAR : Why are you running against me ?

RAVEN : Cuz you killed me.

STAR : *sweatdrops* Oh...right.

CYBORG : And I am her lawyer !

ROBIN : Why ?

CYBORG : Cuz I'm bitter about being unloved and permanently labeled as a freak and a

gay.

KORI : So, Raven, what are the circumstances upon which you wish to run against Starfire and therefore comdemn her to a life in a mental clinic ?

RAVEN : Hel-lo ? Didn't you see the little asterisk thingies that said "from the Great Beyond" I'm dead !

ROBIN : That's your problem !

RAVEN : She killed me.

STAR : But I thought you liked being dead.

RAVEN : Oh...right. Later for you. *rises into sky*

KORI : Court is adjourned !

TAPE ENDS

ALL : *snoring*

AIMI : WAKE UP RETARDS !

ALL : Okay, okay, we're up.

RAVEN : 'Cept me cuz I'm dead.

BEAST BOY : *mysteriously* I heard somewhere that gays never sleep.

CYBORG : Robot gays do.

KORI : FINALLY ! A confession !

CYBORG : Yeah, whatever.

STAR : Hooray ! I'm not crazy anymore !

AIMI : Yes you are. It's just that nobody knows it.

ROBIN : I feel dizzy.

STAR : *gazes at Robin with hearts in eyes* I feel horny...

RAVEN : I feel dead

BEAST BOY : Cyborg feels gay...

CYBORG : And like pounding the crap out of your fat green head !

BEAST BOY : Only if you can catch me ! *flies away*

JENJEN : Hi hi hey - *head is sliced off by birdarang*

ROBIN : Finally ! Peace !

STAR : *grabbing head* Wonderful ! A commemorative souvenir to aid in my memory of this horrible place !

RAVEN : Hel-lo ? Does anybody care that I'm dead, here ?

AIMI : No.

RAVEN : I'm so unloved !

CYBORG : Not so easy, is it ?

RAVEN : Don't worry, you're loved. By men, that is.

BEAST BOY : Then I must not be a man...

RAVEN : Oh, I knew that all along, shrimpy.

BEAST BOY : *yelling* Watch who you're mouthin' off to, deadhead !

KORI : STOP FIGHTING !

RAVEN : Give us ten good reasons...

KORI : Reasons one through ten: I'll never set you free if you don't.

BEAST BOY : Freedom !

STAR : Yes. When are we permitted to evacuate the premises of this friggin' pit of torture ?

CYBORG : Omigod ! She used a contraction !

BEAST BOY : *snickering* Isn't that called "labor" for girls ?

CINNA : And you know what else is labor ? When I make you my slave ! *pulls out chains and smirks*

BEAST BOY : I'll become a girl when I'm your slave ?

KORI : Wow...you really don't know anything, do you ?

BEAST BOY : Nope ! I'm one-hundred-percent fresh, farm-raised, low-calorie idiot !

ROBIN : Back to the freedom issue. How is it, exactly, that we are all imprisoned here ?

CINNA : *makes dreamy face at Robin* Cuz I looove y-

AIMI : *cuts Cinna off* No, it's cuz we want to publicly torture and humiliate you !

RAVEN : May I remind you that we do not exist ?

ROBIN, CYBORG, AND BEAST BOY : *gaping* We don't?

STAR : Raven is correct. We are crude, fictional interpretations of supernatural human beings posessing mutant abilities which are put into motion through the sciences of art and technology on a television screen for viewers to enjoy.

BEAST BOY : We're TV ?

CYBORG : We're not real ?

ROBIN : I'm gonna die.

STAR : *shakes head* Strange, is it not, how they were perfectly unharmed before being given this knowledge ?

RAVEN : It's called "male stupidity", Star.

STAR : This is an admirable quality ?

RAVEN : Yes.

KORI : Well, that was boring.

STAR : But, at least for me, this will not be. *frenches Robin*

AIMI : *shields eyes* EVIL ! EEEEEEEEEVIL !

JENJEN : I can't think of anything to say.

CINNA : So let's do a hentai play.

KORI : Hentai means perversion.

AIMI : But a slightly different version.

RAVEN : Stop rhyming or I'll chuck you

KORI : Well, we don't care so fuck you !

RAVEN : I am so offended.

BEAST BOY : This song should be ended.

STAR : Love is in the air...

CINNA : So is your underwear.

RAVEN : And I don't really care...

JENJEN : *shrieking* THE ADDAMS FAMILY !

ALL : Huh ?

JENJEN : You've been singing to that tune the whole time.

ALL : Oh.

KORI : You just gave me a great idea ! *whispers in Cinna's ear*

CINNA : Guest appearance, guest appearance ! *drags in Wednesday*

WEDNESDAY : Hi.

AIMI : We're gonna have a BATTLE OF THE MORBIDNESS to see who is more dark and disturbing : The pale-faced little goody-goody or the equally pale-faced DEMON RULER OF THE UNDERWORLD !

RAVEN : *smirking* Guess which one I am.

WEDNESDAY : *pouting* I am not a little goody-goody !

RAVEN : Compared to me, you are.

WEDNESDAY : Yeah, right ! Can you drink an entire bottle of cyanide as if it were your favorite beverage ?

RAVEN : Two, actually.

WEDNESDAY : Aw man ! You won that one...um...would you kill someone at will ?

RAVEN : Gladly.

WEDNESDAY : Okay, let's see who can do it faster ! *produces knife and slits BB's throat*

RAVEN : Lame ! *tries to smash lead weight on Robin's head, but is cut off by Starbolt*

STAR : I will not let you hurt him !

AIMI : Sorry, Ravy, that round goes to Wednesday !

RAVEN : NEVER call me Ravy again.

WEDNESDAY : Okay, a scary story contest ! *tells 'old noses' story*

ALL : *scream*

WEDNESDAY : *smirking* Let's see you beat that, jewel head !

RAVEN : Ajna chakra.

WEDNESDAY : *shrugs* Fine, chakra head, whatever you call it, it still looks stupid ! Now hurry up and tell the story, already !

RAVEN : *quietly* Once upon a time...Jenjen was born.

JENJEN : Me !

ALL : *scream and run away*

RAVEN : YES ! I WIN ! I RULE THE KINGDOM OF UTTER DARK AND MORBIDNESS !

WEDNESDAY : And I will fade silently into obscurity...WAHHH !

RAVEN : Wait a minute...I'm dead. So, I really had this contest pinned from the beginning, you know. Nothing's more morbid than...duh duh duh...

THE LIVING DEAD !