In which Starfire goes to court, Wednesday visits the set, and the Titans get existential.
CHAPTER FOUR:
THE BATTLE
JENJEN : Hi hi hey hi !
AIMI : *pushes Jenjen out of the way* Shut up, whiny brat ! This is MY show ! Oh...*notices viewers*...ah...right...Today, on the Insane Babble Channel, we're airing the super-special insider's copy of Starfire's court trial, in which she pleads on constitutional grounds for her relase from the Mental Ward ! *rolls tape*
ON SCREEN
KORI : Court is now in session !
STAR : Wait...you are the judge ?
KORI : Correct.
STAR : I am doomed.
KORI : Okay, so, Starfire, we are gathered here today to witness the trial for your release from the Mental Ward. And on what grounds is this on ?
STAR : Consitutional.
KORI : And in what way is it unconstitutional to place you in a home for the mentally unwell ?
ROBIN : You can't take her away from meeeeeee !
KORI : And who might you be ?
ROBIN : Her lawyer. And I say it's unconstitutional to break the bonds of love between two semi-fictional characters !
RAVEN : *from the Great Beyond* I object !
STAR : Why are you running against me ?
RAVEN : Cuz you killed me.
STAR : *sweatdrops* Oh...right.
CYBORG : And I am her lawyer !
ROBIN : Why ?
CYBORG : Cuz I'm bitter about being unloved and permanently labeled as a freak and a
gay.
KORI : So, Raven, what are the circumstances upon which you wish to run against Starfire and therefore comdemn her to a life in a mental clinic ?
RAVEN : Hel-lo ? Didn't you see the little asterisk thingies that said "from the Great Beyond" I'm dead !
ROBIN : That's your problem !
RAVEN : She killed me.
STAR : But I thought you liked being dead.
RAVEN : Oh...right. Later for you. *rises into sky*
KORI : Court is adjourned !
TAPE ENDS
ALL : *snoring*
AIMI : WAKE UP RETARDS !
ALL : Okay, okay, we're up.
RAVEN : 'Cept me cuz I'm dead.
BEAST BOY : *mysteriously* I heard somewhere that gays never sleep.
CYBORG : Robot gays do.
KORI : FINALLY ! A confession !
CYBORG : Yeah, whatever.
STAR : Hooray ! I'm not crazy anymore !
AIMI : Yes you are. It's just that nobody knows it.
ROBIN : I feel dizzy.
STAR : *gazes at Robin with hearts in eyes* I feel horny...
RAVEN : I feel dead
BEAST BOY : Cyborg feels gay...
CYBORG : And like pounding the crap out of your fat green head !
BEAST BOY : Only if you can catch me ! *flies away*
JENJEN : Hi hi hey - *head is sliced off by birdarang*
ROBIN : Finally ! Peace !
STAR : *grabbing head* Wonderful ! A commemorative souvenir to aid in my memory of this horrible place !
RAVEN : Hel-lo ? Does anybody care that I'm dead, here ?
AIMI : No.
RAVEN : I'm so unloved !
CYBORG : Not so easy, is it ?
RAVEN : Don't worry, you're loved. By men, that is.
BEAST BOY : Then I must not be a man...
RAVEN : Oh, I knew that all along, shrimpy.
BEAST BOY : *yelling* Watch who you're mouthin' off to, deadhead !
KORI : STOP FIGHTING !
RAVEN : Give us ten good reasons...
KORI : Reasons one through ten: I'll never set you free if you don't.
BEAST BOY : Freedom !
STAR : Yes. When are we permitted to evacuate the premises of this friggin' pit of torture ?
CYBORG : Omigod ! She used a contraction !
BEAST BOY : *snickering* Isn't that called "labor" for girls ?
CINNA : And you know what else is labor ? When I make you my slave ! *pulls out chains and smirks*
BEAST BOY : I'll become a girl when I'm your slave ?
KORI : Wow...you really don't know anything, do you ?
BEAST BOY : Nope ! I'm one-hundred-percent fresh, farm-raised, low-calorie idiot !
ROBIN : Back to the freedom issue. How is it, exactly, that we are all imprisoned here ?
CINNA : *makes dreamy face at Robin* Cuz I looove y-
AIMI : *cuts Cinna off* No, it's cuz we want to publicly torture and humiliate you !
RAVEN : May I remind you that we do not exist ?
ROBIN, CYBORG, AND BEAST BOY : *gaping* We don't?
STAR : Raven is correct. We are crude, fictional interpretations of supernatural human beings posessing mutant abilities which are put into motion through the sciences of art and technology on a television screen for viewers to enjoy.
BEAST BOY : We're TV ?
CYBORG : We're not real ?
ROBIN : I'm gonna die.
STAR : *shakes head* Strange, is it not, how they were perfectly unharmed before being given this knowledge ?
RAVEN : It's called "male stupidity", Star.
STAR : This is an admirable quality ?
RAVEN : Yes.
KORI : Well, that was boring.
STAR : But, at least for me, this will not be. *frenches Robin*
AIMI : *shields eyes* EVIL ! EEEEEEEEEVIL !
JENJEN : I can't think of anything to say.
CINNA : So let's do a hentai play.
KORI : Hentai means perversion.
AIMI : But a slightly different version.
RAVEN : Stop rhyming or I'll chuck you
KORI : Well, we don't care so fuck you !
RAVEN : I am so offended.
BEAST BOY : This song should be ended.
STAR : Love is in the air...
CINNA : So is your underwear.
RAVEN : And I don't really care...
JENJEN : *shrieking* THE ADDAMS FAMILY !
ALL : Huh ?
JENJEN : You've been singing to that tune the whole time.
ALL : Oh.
KORI : You just gave me a great idea ! *whispers in Cinna's ear*
CINNA : Guest appearance, guest appearance ! *drags in Wednesday*
WEDNESDAY : Hi.
AIMI : We're gonna have a BATTLE OF THE MORBIDNESS to see who is more dark and disturbing : The pale-faced little goody-goody or the equally pale-faced DEMON RULER OF THE UNDERWORLD !
RAVEN : *smirking* Guess which one I am.
WEDNESDAY : *pouting* I am not a little goody-goody !
RAVEN : Compared to me, you are.
WEDNESDAY : Yeah, right ! Can you drink an entire bottle of cyanide as if it were your favorite beverage ?
RAVEN : Two, actually.
WEDNESDAY : Aw man ! You won that one...um...would you kill someone at will ?
RAVEN : Gladly.
WEDNESDAY : Okay, let's see who can do it faster ! *produces knife and slits BB's throat*
RAVEN : Lame ! *tries to smash lead weight on Robin's head, but is cut off by Starbolt*
STAR : I will not let you hurt him !
AIMI : Sorry, Ravy, that round goes to Wednesday !
RAVEN : NEVER call me Ravy again.
WEDNESDAY : Okay, a scary story contest ! *tells 'old noses' story*
ALL : *scream*
WEDNESDAY : *smirking* Let's see you beat that, jewel head !
RAVEN : Ajna chakra.
WEDNESDAY : *shrugs* Fine, chakra head, whatever you call it, it still looks stupid ! Now hurry up and tell the story, already !
RAVEN : *quietly* Once upon a time...Jenjen was born.
JENJEN : Me !
ALL : *scream and run away*
RAVEN : YES ! I WIN ! I RULE THE KINGDOM OF UTTER DARK AND MORBIDNESS !
WEDNESDAY : And I will fade silently into obscurity...WAHHH !
RAVEN : Wait a minute...I'm dead. So, I really had this contest pinned from the beginning, you know. Nothing's more morbid than...duh duh duh...
THE LIVING DEAD !
