A/N: So folks here's chapter 4. Although it might make me sound a bit of an arrogant tosser, you might not want to read this at work or in public as bits of it made me cry as I wrote and edited it. So obviously I hope it they have the same (intentional) effect on you guys.
This really is the last chapter for a while that I intend to be sad, I promise it is going to be much more uplifting from chapter 5. But then again that's how I described chapter 3 and it still seemed to make some of you blub a bit.
A couple of people have said this is a bit like "What dreams may come" but it is purely coincidental as I've not see it (I even had to google it to find out it was a film). Anyway I'm assured that's not a bad comparison and have been ordered to watch it after I finish this story, so I will do that.
For now though I hope this is a well received update and thank you so much for reading it and your kind and helpful comments if you have the time to review.
DAY 7, A.E.
Naomi sighed as she looked at herself in the mirror, she wasn't even dressed yet and she turned to look at the clothes that had been perfectly laid out on the bed. Her outfit, if you could call it something as frivolous as that, consisted of a black Dolce & Gabana trouser suit and a black top to go underneath. She had wondered whether to wear a different colour top as all black didn't really match Emily's personality but in the end she had opted for head to toe black which only partly matched her mood. Nothing could convey how much she was dreading today or how hard she was trying not to run away, shut the world out and curl up into a tight ball.
Today was Emily's funeral.
The redhead had made it a lot easier for her because she had made all the arrangements herself, they both had, but even so Naomi had never thought this day would really come and especially not so soon. Emily had been far more thorough than she had, no detail had been left out of the redhead's specifications. In a lot of ways it helped Naomi because she could sort things out with a minimum amount of thought, it was simply a case of signing a form here or ticking a box there. However, the fact that it was so easy just hammered home to Naomi how casually she'd taken the whole exercise. She swallowed back the tears as once again she felt totally inadequate as she thought how Emily would have been left to do much more if Naomi had been the one to die first.
She sighed again and spoke to her reflection, "I need to make another appointment at the solicitors to redo my arrangements. I can't have anyone having to think about anything when I die."
She picked up the clothes and slowly began to dress, feeling herself spiral further into despair. If she got dressed it was an acknowledgement of what was happening and she wouldn't be able to pretend that today was like any other day. Finally she would have to admit that today was the day she said goodbye to her wife, her beautiful redhead who made everything in her life better and seem worthwhile.
She continued to dress on auto pilot and allowed her thoughts to drift.
Yesterday there had been a knock at the door and she'd opened it to find a courier standing on the other side with a parcel for her. She signed for it and took it into the kitchen where Gina was making the boys something to eat. Her Mum had looked up as she entered.
"What's that in your hand love?" Gina had enquired.
Naomi shrugged, "I don't know I haven't really looked yet, some sort of parcel for me."
She glanced down the address label and had to steady herself when she saw Emily's handwriting. Gina saw her stumble and rushed over to her daughter.
"Naomi, what's the matter?" Gina asked in a concerned tone.
Naomi took a deep breath and replied quietly, "It's from Emily."
"Oh sweetheart..." was all Gina could manage to say.
Naomi placed the package down on the worktop and went over to a drawer to get a knife. She ran the blade along the edges of the parcel and eventually opened the box fully. Inside there were several letters addressed to her and the boys. Three of them were marked 'open immediately', the others were all marked with the dates of significant birthdays or anniversaries. Naomi pulled the letters out of the box and looked at the contents underneath. The rest of the box contained DVDs with various labels. Some were for her only, some for each of the boys and some were marked as for the whole family. Naomi sighed and placed the letters back in the box before carefully closing the top again. She took the parcel and made her way to the study where she placed it on the desk. She turned and walked silently back to the kitchen.
Gina looked at her daughter as she returned, "Are you going to read the boys' letters to them?"
Naomi shook her head, "I can't, not yet."
"Oh Naomi, I know this is hard but it's tough on Josh and Ben too. You still haven't properly explained where Emily has gone." Gina said with a frown.
Naomi looked at her with blazing eyes, "You know this is hard? How do you know Mum, who died and left you with two young children to look after? You have no fucking idea what I'm going through at the moment so stop with all the preachy crap."
Gina looked shocked, "I'm sorry love, I'm only trying to help..."
Naomi shook her head, "Really? So why does it feel like I'm constantly being judged and found to be lacking? What do you want me to tell Josh and Ben? Mama is dead and she's not coming back. Tomorrow we're going to watch her cold, lifeless body get turned into ash and sorry boys but that's it, Mama is gone and don't ask me where because the answer is nowhere. There's no fucking heaven, she's not at peace frolicking around with the angels. She's just dead."
During her outburst Gina had made her way over to her daughter. When Naomi stopped Gina reached out and pulled her into a tight hug. She rubbed Naomi's back as the blonde started to weep. It was hurting Gina so much to see her little girl like this and Naomi was right, she really had no idea what it felt like. Yes she'd been upset when Naomi's Dad had walked out on them, but she also knew it was for the best that he left if he wasn't prepared to be a proper husband or father. It was also true that she had never loved Naomi's Dad as much as Naomi loved Emily.
Finally Naomi stopped crying and Gina had pulled away and looked straight at her, "Naomi, I am sorry. I can't understand fully how this must feel for you because it's never happened to me. But I am trying because seeing you like this causes me so much pain and I don't know what to do to help. No one is judging you and absolutely no one thinks you're lacking. I'm so proud of the way you've kept things together for Josh and Ben as I know it can't have been easy."
Naomi sighed, "Sorry, I know this is tough for you too and the boys. But I'm not keeping things together Mum, I put on a brave face when other people are around and I'm sure you've all thought at one time or another that I seem uncaring or distant, but the alternative is so awful you wouldn't want to see. I've cried in front of you, Effy, George, even Katie but it's nothing compared to how I am when I'm alone, when I really left the grief wash over me. I have to close it off sometimes otherwise I really wouldn't bother getting out of bed."
Gina nodded, "I know love, we all know that. Maybe after the funeral Jenna and I can take the boys and give you some time to yourself, you know a few days off where you don't have to worry about other people at all."
"Thanks Mum, although I'll miss Josh and Ben it might be good to only have myself to take care of. That way if all I want to do is stay in bed and cry I don't have to feel guilty about not taking proper care of my sons." Naomi replied.
Gina squeezed her tightly, "Right, I'll take the food in and tell them about their trip to stay with their Grandmas."
Naomi was brought back to the room by the sound of a gentle knock at the bedroom door. She took a last look at herself in the mirror before she said, "Come in."
Gina entered and smiled sadly, "I was just coming to check that you were ready, the cars will be here soon."
"As ready as I'll ever be." Naomi replied confidently to her Mum, as she thought, please, please just let me get through today.
Emily watched Naomi for a while as her wife agonised over which top to wear. Emily secretly hoped she'd go for the blue one which matched her eyes so perfectly but she wasn't surprised when the blonde had finally decided to opt for the plain black. She heard a pop and smiled as Kevin appeared beside her, her smile rapidly turned into a scowl as he uttered his first words.
"Wow, she looks even fitter in her underwear. I still can't quite believe you got to shag her regularly." He said with a whistle.
Emily's eyes narrowed and she reached over to hit him, "Kevin, stop fantasising about my bloody wife please."
"Ow, that hurt." Kevin replied rubbing his upper arm where he'd been slapped.
Emily smiled smugly, "I'm glad to see my trips to the gym are finally paying off."
Kevin rolled his eyes, "Yeah a bit, but you still can't move things."
Emily sighed, "I know and I am trying really hard, but I just can't do it."
The young boy's expression softened, "Hey, I've already told you, it will happen at some point. You're really progressing well."
Emily shrugged, "Naomi still can't see me though can she?"
"I know, but she's too caught up in her grief right now. Look at her Emily, it's taking all of her strength just to get dressed at the moment, she's hasn't got the energy to notice you as well." Kevin replied.
The redhead glanced back at her wife who had started to get ready, there was a faraway look in her eyes, "You're right, I need to give her some time."
Kevin nodded, "At least your children can both see you and they'll be able to help her when the time comes."
Emily smiled at the mention of Josh and Ben. Although neither of them really understood they weren't troubled by her present form in the slightest. They acted as if it was the most normal thing in the world that she was now a ghost and didn't seem to care that this meant they couldn't actually touch her. As long as Mama tucked them in and told them a story every night they were happy.
Emily took a final look at Naomi before saying to Kevin, "Speaking of the boys I'm going to check that they're ok."
She made her way to Ben's room but found it empty when she got there. She floated into Josh's bedroom and found the pair of them sitting on the bed arguing with Gina.
"But I don't like those shoes, they hurt." Josh whined at his Grandma.
"Yeah, hurt." Ben added eager to be just like his big brother.
Gina sighed, "Joshua, Benjamin, this is the last time I'm going to ask you nicely. Let me put your new shoes on please. You don't want to be the last ones to get ready."
Emily couldn't help smiling at her eldest son as he paused, clearly thinking of a suitable response.
"But Grandma, we won't be last. Mummy isn't even dressed yet. Is she going to get told off too?" Josh questioned.
Gina narrowed her eyes, "You know I sometimes wish you weren't so bright Josh. Mummy is getting dressed now and she'll be cross if you're not ready when she comes to get you."
"Mummy's always cross with me and Ben these days." Josh said sadly.
Gina looked at him, "Oh baby boy, Mummy's not cross with you. She's just sad Mama had to go away."
Just then Ben looked up and saw Emily who gave him a small wave.
"Mama!" he called out nudging his brother in the process.
Gina naturally misunderstood, "That's right Ben, Mama."
Ben shook his head and pointed, "Stupid Grandma. Mama."
Emily came down and floated between her two children, "Ben apologise to Grandma for calling her stupid."
The little boy looked sheepish, "Sorry Grandma."
"That's alright." Gina said slowly with a look of confusion.
Emily turned to her other son, "Josh, put your shoes on please. If you do it Ben will follow suit so be a good boy for Grandma."
"Grandma, can you do my shoes please?" Josh said with a smile as he held out his feet.
Gina's confusion grew as she stared at her grandson who had suddenly decided to be compliant. She quickly put his shoes on, "Well I'm not sure why you've suddenly decided to wear these but I'm not going to complain too much."
Josh opened his mouth to tell her the reason but shut it again as Emily shook her head and put her finger to her lips. Unfortunately Ben wasn't as observant.
"Mama said." Ben told Gina triumphantly as the older blonde finally managed to get his shoes on too.
Gina stared at him, "Mama said what?"
Ben tutted and pointed to his feet, "Shoes."
"Ben shut up." Josh hissed at his brother as he shoved him.
Ben pushed him back, "Bad Josh."
Emily gave her boys a stern look, "Right, stop fighting the pair of you. You'd better be on your best behaviour today otherwise it'll be me and not Mummy who's cross with you."
They both looked down and mumbled, "Sorry."
Gina looked between her two grandchildren who were sitting contritely on the bed, "I really don't understand what's going on here. I'm quickly going to check on Mummy and then we'll be back to take you downstairs ok?"
They both nodded as she left the room. Emily's heart melted when she saw the pair of them swinging their newly clad feet against the bed.
"Come on boys, stand up so I can take a good look at you." She said gently.
Josh got off the bed and helped his brother down. They stood in front of Emily with their arms by their sides. They were wearing identical suits and t-shirts, all in black and very much like Naomi was wearing.
Emily smiled at them, "My goodness don't you both look handsome today?"
They smiled shyly at her before Josh said, "Mummy said we could all be matching when we said goodbye to you."
Emily felt tears spring into her eyes, "Well all three of you look very smart and I love the fact you're wearing the same things."
Josh paused, "Will you be there Mama?"
Emily quickly looked at Kevin, they had already discussed the fact that it would be a bad idea. Apart from it being weird seeing your own funeral, Emily would need a great deal of energy just to be outside the house. Kevin had offered to attend and this made the redhead decide that it wasn't worth going herself because she'd rather save her energy for comforting Naomi as best she could afterwards.
"No sweetheart, I'm sorry. I'm not allowed." Emily replied.
Ben frowned, "Please Mama."
Emily stroked his cheek and he giggled as his skin tingled, "Sorry Benji, but I can't. I'll be here when you get home though."
Josh shook his head, "We're going to Grandma's and then to Nanna and Papi's."
Emily smiled, "Well ok, but I'll be here when you come home after your visits."
"You promise?" Josh asked.
Emily nodded, "I triple promise."
The two boys smiled and nodded their heads, satisfied with the answer. Emily gasped as the door opened and Naomi walked into the room, even though she was dressed for a funeral she still looked stunning and Emily couldn't help admiring her wife. The blonde took her sons by the hand and led them back to the bed where she helped Josh up before pulling Ben onto her lap.
"Grandma tells me you were refusing to put your shoes on and fighting." Naomi said sternly.
Josh nodded, "But we'll be good boys from now on Mummy, we promise."
Naomi smiled slightly, "I'm glad to hear that because today is a special day and Mama wouldn't like to think of you fighting with each other when you're saying goodbye to her."
"She said we looked handsome." Josh said before his hand quickly flew to his mouth.
Naomi stared at him, Gina had briefly told her about the boys' behaviour earlier, including the fact that Ben had said Emily was the one who had told him to put his shoes on. Although she had acted surprised to Gina, it wasn't the first time since Emily died that Josh or Ben had said Mama was talking to them. She didn't want to discourage them coping in any way possible, but it was starting to slightly worry her that they genuinely believed Emily was still around. It would hit them doubly hard when they finally realised the truth. She wasn't sure how to play this, but quickly decided avoidance was the best tactic. The cars would be here soon and this was already going to be one of the worst days of her life without adding in a confrontation with her son too.
She took a deep breath, "You do both look very handsome. Now shall we go downstairs and wait for the cars to take us to say bye bye to Mama."
The two boys nodded and Naomi smiled sadly at them.
From her vantage point Emily snorted, Naomi always was a master at avoiding conflict where the children were concerned, it was left to Emily to be the one who disciplined them. She watched them rise from the bed and make their way to the door. Just as they were about to leave the boys turned to look at her.
Emily blew them a kiss, "Bye boys, I'll see you in a couple of days. Be good for your grandparents."
"Bye Mama." Ben said with a wave.
Naomi sighed, "That's right Ben, but we don't need to say that until later."
Ben was about to explain again but Josh stopped him with a poke. Emily watched as her eldest child quickly waved at her and blew her a kiss without Naomi seeing. She marvelled at how quickly her son understood things sometimes even though he wasn't even four yet. The redhead watched them leave and decided she might as well go to the gym to get in a workout while Naomi was away. Emily sighed as she prepared to leave the house, I really hope Naomi gets through today, I'm not really much use like this am I? she thought as she disappeared with a pop.
Naomi exhaled deeply and shut her eyes as she saw Jenna, Rob, Katie and James walk past the car. She was feeling nauseous and had been ever since they had left the house. She'd walked out of the front door with her Mum, Josh and Ben and had almost fainted when she saw the hearse with the coffin in it. Gina had to grab hold of her to stop her falling as her legs threatened to give way beneath her. The blonde knew the same thing was likely to happen when they got out of the car at the Church where the service was being held unless she concentrated very hard. She couldn't break down today, not in front of everyone, it would feel like she'd let Emily down when she was supposed to be strong. She'd be alone later and for the next few days, she could collapse into her grief then.
She looked up as her Mum squeezed her hand, "Ready love? Everyone will be waiting."
Naomi nodded, she had put this off for as long as she could and there was no way what was about to happen could be avoided any more.
The blonde looked at her sons, who were nervously fidgeting in their suits, "Boys I love you both very much and I know this is going to be hard but please, for Mama, try to sit still today."
They both nodded their heads solemnly and stopped moving.
Naomi took a final deep breath before she put her hand on the door handle, "Ok, let's do this. Let's say a proper goodbye to Mama."
She got out of the car and shielded her eyes, it was a brilliantly sunny day and this gave her mixed feelings. Emily always loved days like today and in a lot of ways it better reflected her wife's personality. But it also felt totally wrong given the task she was about to face. Somehow she would have preferred it to be dark and cold, almost apocalyptic as a sign that the world knew that it had lost one of its brightest stars. She put her sunglasses on and turned to help the boys from the car.
"I'll go and have a last check with the vicar." Gina said squeezing her arm.
Naomi nodded and stood for a while, staring at the hearse. Silently she took the hands of her sons and she slowly walked over to where people had started to gather.
Jenna, Katie and Effy looked up and couldn't help smiling slightly as they noticed the three of them walking towards them. They made a very eye catching family with their matching outfits. As soon as the smile had appeared it was gone as each of them was reminded of what was missing from the perfect picture.
"Hi, sorry we waited in the car a bit, it all felt so overwhelming." Naomi said apologetically as she reached them.
Jenna nodded, "I know, but to be honest I couldn't wait to get out of the car as the formality of it all was just a reminder of what it is we're here to do."
"Nanna, do you think we look handsome?" Josh asked.
Jenna smiled, "Yes sweetheart, I think all three of you look beautiful and I'm sure Mama would be so proud of you today."
Naomi turned to Katie, "Hey, have you got everything ready for your reading?"
Katie nodded, "I know Em was very specific but I've added in some bits of my own too. I'm pretty nervous about standing up in front of everyone but I don't want to let her down."
Naomi sighed, "Yeah me too. It's like this mantra I keep repeating over and over to myself, 'deep breaths, get through today, don't let Em down.' I'm not sure it's working but it takes my mind off things."
They paused as David and Barbara Stevens walked over, the VP and his wife kissed Naomi on the cheek.
"Naomi, I'm so sorry for your loss," Barbara started, "Emily was such a wonderful girl and I'll miss her very much. You and the boys must come over for dinner soon."
"Thank you Barbara, Emily was extremely fond of your dinner parties. We probably need a few weeks to get used to being on our own but I'll arrange something with David when I get back to work." Naomi replied.
David turned to the blonde, "Don't even think about returning to work Naomi, give yourself plenty of time. I've spoken with George and your diary has been cleared for the next month, longer if you need it."
Naomi smiled gratefully at him, "Thank you, but I have a feeling I'll want to go back sooner than that, if only as a distraction."
She was diverted again as JJ came over to her. He looked embarrassed and immediately got locked on.
"Naomi, I'm really sorry about Emily, we all are, she was a good friend. I haven't been over because I didn't know what to say and I've been busy, but obviously it's not as important as seeing you but I couldn't stand the thought of rambling in front of you, pretty much like I'm doing now. Oh God, why can't I just shut up..." JJ started.
Naomi smiled weakly at him, "It's ok JJ, it's not every day your wife has a baby. How is Lara and the new addition, I'm sorry I don't even know if you had a boy or a girl."
JJ's face lit up, "Lara's great and we had a little girl, we've called her Florence Emily, I hope you don't mind."
Tears pricked in Naomi's eyes, partly because of the gesture and partly at the loss of her third child. "I think she'd have been honoured JJ."
The blonde turned as she felt a tap on her shoulder and she was pulled into a tight hug "I'm so sorry about Emily and for not getting here sooner."
Naomi shook her head, "Hi Dani, I know it wasn't your fault but I'm so glad you managed to get here."
Dani sighed as she pulled away, "You have no idea how angry I got at the airport when I found out they'd overbooked. In the end I think they let me fly just to shut me up."
Naomi smiled, she knew George had been constantly phoning the airlines too and could well imagine the idea of getting rid of the pair of them was a huge factor in the decision to let Dani on a plane.
The blonde looked up as her Mum and George walked towards them. Gina gave her a weak smile before saying, "I've been to check and they're ready for us Naomi."
Naomi nodded and put her sunglasses away. She glanced towards the hearse and signalled to Rob and James it was time. She watched as Emily's Dad, brother, Cook and Freds rested the coffin on their shoulders and began the slow, painful walk inside.
Naomi took Josh and Ben's hands in her own and the three of them followed the coffin, behind them Jenna and Katie walked with their heads bowed. They in turn were followed by Effy, George, Dani and Gina. Everyone watched as the first group of mourners solemnly entered the building behind the coffin before they made their own way in. When the coffin was laid to rest on the stand at the front Naomi and the rest of Emily's family and close friends took their seats. The blonde looked around her as the rest of the people filed into the Church, it was standing room only and even then it was a tight squeeze. She was glad that so many people had turned up to pay their respects.
Suddenly the whole building fell silent as the vicar's voice came over the microphone.
"Welcome everyone, it is nice to see so many of you here and is a fitting tribute to Emily and how well liked and respected she was." He began.
Naomi stared at the coffin and almost zoned out, she didn't really want to hear kind words about Emily from someone who didn't even know her. David Stevens was going to say a few words on behalf of Short & Milner then Katie was due to speak representing the Fitch family. After that it would be her turn, she sighed and kept repeating her mantra 'deep breaths, get through today and don't let Em down,' over and over in her head, desperately hoping she would be able to do her wife justice when the time came.
Naomi squeezed Katie's hand as the vicar announced it was time for her to take the pulpit. The twin smiled briefly at Naomi and made her way to the front.
Katie coughed and took a sip of water before she started to speak. At first her words came out falteringly but her voice became clearer as she got into her stride.
"Hello, for those of you who don't know me, I'm Katie Fitch and I'm obviously Emily's twin sister. When they first meet us most people remark on how alike we look but once they get to know us they soon realise that's about as far as the similarities go." she paused as a ripple of knowing laughter echoed around the audience.
"Emily left very strict instructions about what I could and couldn't say at her funeral. Some of them, like the poem I'm about to read, I've stuck to. Others, especially the embarrassing stories Ems didn't want sharing, I haven't. Sorry sis but you don't get off that lightly and let's face it you knew exactly which rules I was going to break when you left your instructions." Again the twin paused.
Katie looked at her family before she continued, "Ems would have been so proud to see so many people here and it's right that there are because my sister was one of the greatest people I had the privilege of knowing. Even when we were little you could just see the goodness oozing out of Emily, she was kind to everyone and such a beautiful person. I was always a bit envious of her when we were growing up because she made everything look so easy, that's just the way she was, incredibly clever and nothing fazed her."
The twin took a deep breath, "To be honest I was a bit more than envious of her, I was downright jealous and I wasn't always nice to her. I didn't always stick up for her, especially when she realised she was gay. But it just demonstrates how special a person Emily was that we remained incredibly close until the day she died, as far as she was concerned we we're twins and that pretty much meant we stuck by each other through thick and thin, come hell or high water."
Katie looked over to the coffin, "It's ok Ems, you win, I won't tell any embarrassing stories. Especially not any about the countless times I've walked in on you and Naomi having sex, like that time in the pub toilets where she was..."
"Katie! That's enough in front of the children thank you," Jenna interjected with a warning note but she couldn't help smiling.
Katie looked at the audience and shrugged, "Sorry Mum, but you have to admit we caught them a lot. In fact I bet if we did a quick straw poll right now we'd prove it. Can you raise your hand please if you ever caught Naomi and Emily in a compromising position?"
Naomi began to blush as more than half the people in the Church raised their arm, including several senior people from Short & Milner.
Katie caught her eye and gave a small smile, "See, proof they couldn't keep their hands off each other. But on a more serious note Emily's life really did change the day she met Naomi. It was at a job interview and Em had only applied in the first place because I pushed her into it. That's until her eyes locked with Naomi's and she fell completely in love. Em always thanked me for making her go along that day because she met her soul mate. At first I wasn't sure Naomi was good enough for my twin sister but over time I came to love her nearly as much as Em did. You only had to see them together to realise they were a perfect match and they complemented each other completely. That's why we christened them Naomily."
The twin stared at Naomi with tears in her eyes, "I know Em woke every morning and thanked her lucky stars that she met you, got married and had two beautiful children with you. So on behalf of the whole family, thank you Naomi, Josh and Ben for making Emily's all too short life on this earth so happy."
The blonde swallowed hard and squeezed her two boys tight.
Katie looked back at the audience, "And on behalf of my family and Emily, I want to thank you all for coming today to pay your respects. The final thing I need to do is read a poem that Emily chose herself. I've practiced it a lot but I've never got to the end without crying so you'll have to excuse me if that happens. Emily picked this because she said it's how she wanted people to behave after she was dead. Again, I'm sorry sis but I'm not sure I can do what you ask. You see I'm not sure there will ever be a day that goes by when I won't miss you or stop feeling like something is absent from my life. But here goes with the poem anyway.
When I come to the end of the day,
And the sun has set for me.
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room.
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little, but not too long,
And not with you head bowed low.
Remember the love we once shared-
Miss me, but let me go.
For this is a journey we all must take,
And each must go alone.
It's all part of the maker's plan,
A step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick at heart
Go to the friends we know.
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds-
Miss me, but let me go.
By the end of the poem there were tears cascading down Katie's cheeks as she stared at the coffin.
"Bye Emsie, we'll always love you and we'll all miss you very much." Katie said her voice cracking with emotion. James got up and went over to his sister, hugging her tightly as he led her back to her seat. Naomi looked along the row and could see Jenna, Rob, Katie and James holding on to each other for dear life while their tears spilled onto the floor.
Again the blonde swallowed hard, she couldn't let Emily down by crying because she'd never be able to get through her speech otherwise. She glanced briefly at her notes, Emily had left strict instructions for her too but like Katie she'd added in bits of her own. Suddenly she heard the vicar announcing her name and she panicked, she wasn't ready for this, it was too soon.
She felt Josh squeeze her hand, "Mummy, the man said you have to say goodbye to Mama now."
Naomi looked down into the chocolate brown pools looking at her expectantly and she knew the time had come to finally say goodbye to her wife and the boys' mother. She kissed both of her sons and slowly got up. As she made her way to the front there was a small pop and Kevin appeared. Emily had specifically asked him to report back on how Naomi was coping.
He looked at the blonde who was reluctantly standing behind the pulpit, not very well if her face is anything to go by, he thought before settling down to listen to her speech.
Naomi took a sip of water and stared at the myriad of faces in front of her. She was used to public speaking due to her work but it was never like this. She coughed and stared at the paper in front of her, trying desperately to buy some time. Eventually she spoke but her voice sounded far away and echoy, like it didn't really belong to her.
"Katie was right, it was love at first sight for both of us that day at the interview. I spent a lot of time in denial but I remember telling Em later that I fell in love with her the first moment I saw her, and as soon as I spoke to her and stared into her beautiful chocolate brown eyes I knew that I would never love anyone else as much as I loved her." the blonde started in a monotone voice.
Effy stared at George and the American shrugged her shoulders. Effy turned back to Naomi who had continued speaking about Emily in a voice which was devoid of any emotion at all. Oh shit, Effy thought, this is not good. I know this is the only way she thinks she can cope but she'll regret it forever if she doesn't say what she's really feeling.
Naomi continued to tell the people gathered about her life with Emily, using words like special, beautiful and wonderful but all the time her voice remained neutral. She looked up and caught her eldest son's eye, he had a confused look on his face, it was like his Mummy was saying all the right things about Mama but she didn't believe them. She paused and stared at her notes before looking back at the audience.
"Actually, what's written on this piece of paper isn't what I want to say at all." Naomi started and she tore the paper in half before throwing it away.
Naomi looked directly at the front row, "I can use all of these words about Emily, but it just sounds false, like they're someone else's. They're not, I wrote them, but when it came to saying them it didn't feel real because it's not what is going on in my head or my heart. I'm a bit scared of revealing that, but I know if I don't I'll never forgive myself for letting Emily down."
She paused and looked at the coffin before turning back to the mourners; she knew exactly what she wanted to say.
The blonde took a deep breath, "Emily Campbell-Fitch was a selfish fucking cunt."
There was a collective gasp around the Church.
Naomi shrugged, "There I've said what I'm feeling, Emily was a liar and a cheat and has made a total fucking mockery of our marriage."
Jenna started to get up but Katie lay her hand on her arm, "Mum, let her get it all out. It's better like this than the dalek voice she had earlier."
Naomi was now warming to her theme, getting angrier as she did so, "You know what? It's a good job she's dead because I'd kill her myself for what she's done."
The blonde stared at the coffin and began to point at it, "Do you hear me? You are a selfish, lying, cunt Emily Campbell-Fitch. I stood there and listened to you tell me in front of everyone that you'd never leave me, that we'd have a big family with at least three kids maybe more and we'd grow old together with our grandchildren. That was all a lie. Our third child died with you and now we're never having any more. We won't grow old together because you've gone and fucking died on me. You have left me, and our two boys, all alone. Tell me where I signed up to being widowed before my 30th Birthday Emily? Come on smartarse, tell me where I agreed that this was part of the deal when we got married? I signed up to a lifetime of happiness with you, the only person I have ever truly loved and the only person who has ever really loved and understood me. So what am I supposed to do now, when you haven't kept your end of the bargain?"
Naomi began to cry as she slowly walked over to the coffin, she picked up the picture of Emily from the top and gently stroked her wife's face.
"Tell me what to do Em, because I can't work it out on my own. You were always the strong one and you always knew how to make everything better. How am I going to cope without you? How am I going to make sure I'm a good enough mother without you there to guide me?" Naomi said softly as the tears spilled down her cheeks.
Kevin looked at the audience, by now most people were crying too after witnessing the grief Naomi was openly displaying.
They all looked on in horror as Naomi quietly began to bargain with her dead wife, "Please Em, don't leave me alone. Come back to me and I'll be good, I promise. I'll do anything, I'll be tidier around the house, I'll do all of those jobs you keep nagging me about, I'll even clear out the shed. I can't go on without you by my side. So please baby, come back. We made a deal so you can't leave me, come back and make us a proper family again."
As Naomi finished, she looked over towards her two sons, who were crying and being comforted by Gina and Jenna. She caught Effy's eye and as the brunette stared at her with a tear stained expression finally Naomi knew she couldn't hold it together any longer. The futility of her words suddenly struck her; Emily was never coming back, no matter how much Naomi begged her to. The realisation hit her hard and it was as bad as the first night when she had grieved properly. The blonde realised that she had been in robot mode most of the week and as a fresh wave of anguish washed over her she couldn't stand it anymore. The dull ache was once again replaced with the searing pain and the blonde gripped herself tightly as she buckled under the raw throbbing that had exploded throughout her body.
A stunned silence fell across the Church as Naomi let out an intense low growl that sounded like a fatally wounded animal before she collapsed weeping to the floor gripping the picture of Emily tightly. They watched the blonde in shock as she rocked backwards and forwards begging over and over for Emily to come back. Finally, Effy snapped out of her trance and she rushed to her friend, holding her tightly as her body shook with sobs.
"Come on babe, we need to get you home." Effy said gently while motioning for George to help her.
George quickly said something to her girlfriend before she walked over and helped Effy pull Naomi up, "Come on Naoms, let's get you out of here."
Everyone watched as they supported the blonde before leading her from the Church. Once outside they quickly got into one of the waiting cars and instructed the driver to take them back. Naomi lay with her head in Effy's lap as the brunette stroked her hair. She was still gripping the photo.
At one point the blonde turned and looked at her friends, "She's not coming back is she?"
Fresh tears appeared in their eyes as Effy said gently, "No sweetheart, I'm afraid not."
Naomi turned away again and soon her heaving sobs were the only sound that filled the car.
Emily was trying her hardest to move the pencil when she heard the pop. She looked around and saw Kevin standing in front of her with tears in his eyes, she could tell immediately something was massively wrong.
"Was it that bad?" She asked full of concern.
Kevin swallowed and nodded, "Naomi broke down completely at the funeral. She got really angry with you but then it was like something snapped and she crumbled right in front of everyone."
Emily closed her eyes as one of her worst fears was realised. Of course she knew Naomi wasn't coping but she also knew her wife would be horrified at the thought of showing everyone else how she was feeling. "So where is she now?"
Kevin sighed, "Effy and her boss took her back to your house."
Emily nodded, "That's why I stipulated the wake should be at Dani's bar. I always thought something like this could happen and Naomi would need to be taken back home. Right I'm going to see my wife and thanks for warning me, I really do appreciate it Kevin."
He nodded at her, "I know you think I'm some shallow kid and I just perv on your wife, but I genuinely do feel sorry that she's hurting this much."
Emily smiled weakly at him, "I know Kevin and I'll see you later ok? Just give us a bit of space, I need to be alone with Naomi."
The young boy nodded, "I understand that, so I'll disappear, but I won't be far if you need me."
Emily nodded and thanked him again before the popping sound signaled she had gone. There was a pop in their bedroom and the redhead gasped as she took in the scene that greeted her. Even though Kevin had advised her Naomi had crumbled, nothing could prepare her for the sight of the broken woman lying on her side on the bed in front of her.
Immediately Emily mirrored Naomi's position and tears sprung into her eyes as she looked at her wife. Naomi's eyes were red raw from crying but they were vacant as she stared straight ahead into nothingness. Emily reached up and stroked her wife's cheek which was stained with tears. The redhead saw Naomi blink as she touched her but soon the emptiness was back. Gently she leaned over and softly kissed Naomi's lips, willing her to notice. Again there was a faint sign of recognition before the blankness returned. The tears were openly spilling down Emily's cheeks as she wrapped her arms tightly around Naomi in a vain attempt to provide some comfort.
They stayed in that position for some time until Emily heard a quiet knock at the door and Effy and George walked in.
"Naomi." Effy said tenderly but there was no response from the blonde.
Effy tried a second time, "Naomi I've brought you some pills to help you sleep."
Wordlessly Naomi turned around and took the two tablets from her. She swallowed them and washed them down with the water George held out to her.
"You get some rest but we'll be downstairs if you need anything." George said gently.
They were all surprised as Naomi finally spoke, "I'd prefer you left me alone."
Effy looked at George, they were both clearly uncomfortable with the idea.
"Naoms, are you sure that's a good idea….." Effy started but she was interrupted by the blonde.
"Please Eff, I know you're trying to help but I can't be around anyone right now." Naomi reasoned.
George frowned, "If you're certain….."
Naomi nodded before turning away again "I really appreciate your concern but I want to shut everything out and grieve for my wife please."
They both leaned over and kissed the top of her head before making their way to the door.
"Ok, we'll leave you by yourself but we're only a phone call away if you need anything." Effy stated but once again the blonde had zoned out.
After they had gone Emily resumed holding Naomi tightly. She watched as the tears welled up in the blonde's eyes before they slowly closed as the pills kicked in. Just before Naomi entered a restless slumber it nearly broke her heart as she heard the blonde ask, "Why did you have to leave me Emily?"
Emily squeezed her as she replied, "Shush baby, I'm right here and I'm going to take care of you."
By the time Naomi finally woke it was dark. She looked at the clock and was surprised to find she had managed to sleep quite a few hours. She supposed that was the effects of the tablets, although she also had several comforting dreams about Emily where the redhead was holding her and telling her she was going to take care of her. Stiffly she rose from the bed and undressed, casually throwing her clothes onto the chair.
Emily watched as she opened a drawer and got some pyjamas out. The redhead smiled, obviously she preferred it when they went to bed naked but if they had to be clothed the one's Naomi had chosen were her favourites. Naomi quickly put them on before going into the en-suite to brush her teeth. Emily followed her wife downstairs and saw her look at her phone.
Naomi sighed, there were 10 missed calls and the same amount of texts. Clearly Effy and George had not kept their promise to leave her alone nor had they passed the message on to others like her Mum. She quickly typed out a standard reply which she could send to everyone.
I managed to get some sleep and am ok. If I need anything I'll call you. x
She got a glass from the cupboard and opened a fresh bottle of vodka before pouring herself a large measure. She sipped it as she wandered around the ground floor of the house before finding herself in the study.
Emily watched her wife pick up her phone that had been left charging ever since the accident. There were several voicemail messages and the redhead watched as Naomi carried out her now nightly ritual.
"Hi this is Emily, I can't take your call right now but leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."
"Hey Em, it's me again. God I love still being able to hear your voice even if I know it's recorded. It was your funeral today and I made a bit of a tit of myself, well a lot of one actually. I really wanted to make you proud but I couldn't cope with the pain of finally saying goodbye. Please don't hate me for not being strong. I love you with all my heart, now and forever."
Emily watched as she saw Naomi's gaze rest on the box. The blonde took a large gulp of vodka and slowly walked over to the parcel. She opened it up and stared at the contents.
"Please read your letter baby," Emily said even though the blonde couldn't hear.
Suddenly Naomi felt that she needed to read her letter so she removed it from the package. Her eyes fell on one of the DVDs addressed to her, the label said in Emily's handwriting.
"I know I promised to destroy it but it was such juicy blackmail material."
Naomi found herself intrigued even though she knew deep down it would be too painful to see Emily again, even if it was on film. She picked up the DVD and made her way to the lounge via the kitchen where she picked up the bottle of vodka.
She took the disk and placed it in the machine before turning the TV on and pressing play. She poured herself another drink and sat back on the sofa. Emily sat beside her and couldn't help smiling, if she wasn't already dead Naomi would have killed her for keeping this particular video footage.
The picture flickered to life and immediately Naomi recognised it was the ice rink at the Rockefeller Centre on their first trip to New York. In fact it was the same day she'd bought Emily's engagement ring.
Naomi gave a half smile, "You cow Em, but I always knew you wouldn't get rid of this."
The blonde watched several minutes of footage of her ice skating, something she was awful at. Emily's voice was loud and clear telling her to slow down but she wasn't having any of it. The video culminated in her falling spectacularly on the ice like one of the baddies in home alone when they slipped on the oiled floors. Her arms and legs went in completely different directions and she'd eventually landed on her back. All you could hear at the end was hysterical laughter from Emily who commented that it was one of the funniest things she'd ever seen.
Naomi got up and removed the disk from the player before putting it back in its cover. Only Naomi, Emily and George had ever seen it and the American had probably forgotten all about it by now. The blonde sighed, she could easily get rid of it but she knew realistically she couldn't destroy anything that provided a connection to Emily.
Emily watched as her wife sat back down and finally picked up the letter marked 'open immediately'. Naomi turned it around and carefully lifted the back of the envelope. The blonde gasped as she was greeted by the smell of Emily's favourite perfume which unlike her everyday mint or raspberry aroma was always used more sparingly. Emily knew it drove Naomi wild and the blonde inhaled deeply, her mind instantly filled with the memories of Emily getting ready to go out only to be delayed because Naomi would insist they made love as soon as the scent hit her nostrils.
Emily could see the smell had the desired effect on the blonde when she saw her wife lick her lips but when Naomi opened her eyes again they were filled with such pain the redhead instantly regretted her actions.
Naomi took a deep breath and removed the letter from its envelope. She placed it down on the table knowing the contents were likely to open the floodgates of sorrow she had successfully shut tight after the funeral. She needed more vodka before she could cope with this, so she downed two shots in quick succession. After the burning sensation in her throat subsided she finally picked up the letter and sighed.
Emily leant over her shoulder and looked at the words she had written only a few weeks ago thinking she had been uncharacteristically prescient in her first paragraph. Finally Naomi looked at the paper and began to read.
Hey Gorgeous,
If you are reading this then I suppose I must be dead, which is a strange feeling when writing it. In fact you must be reading this only a short while after I've written it because we've just found out I'm pregnant again so I've updated my letter. However, like when we found out I was pregnant with the boys I'm intending to write another one after we have the 12 week scan so I can include the first picture of our baby. This basically means these letters have the shortest shelf life because they get updated in a matter of weeks not months or years like normal.
God, I can even ramble in a letter can't I? Assuming what I've written is true and you haven't got this by mistake then the first thing I need to tell you is how sorry I am that not only have you lost me, you've also lost our baby too. I told you it felt different this time and I'm convinced it's going to be a girl so I'm sorry you've been deprived of the daughter we both longed for to complete our family and that Josh and Ben will never get the sister I know they would have doted on.
There's so much I want to say to you in this letter to try to comfort you but as I hope you're reading this not long after I've died I have a feeling it might all still be too raw. If it's before your 30th birthday I've written you a longer letter for you to open. If I was lucky enough to still be around then to see you open your presents (which you're going to love by the way) I will have told you all the things in my speech at your party. There is still another letter for you to read a month after I've gone when maybe more of my words will go in and help you with your grief.
The day I met you was the day I really started living. Before that it was like I was a shadow or a ghost of the real Emily Campbell-Fitch (Nee Fitch). A pale imitation of the woman you helped me become, the strong confident woman you made me realise I could be. But that all changed at that interview when I locked eyes with the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and got totally lost in the deep blue pools that were focused on me, making me feel like the most special person in the world. As I have told you many times I fell helplessly in love with you that day and I knew even then you were the only person I could ever spend the rest of my life with. There never was, nor could there ever be, anyone else for me but you Naomi. I know it sounds like a corny Hollywood blockbuster but you complete me, you are the other half that makes me whole.
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being the most precious thing in the world to me, for loving me unconditionally and for letting me love you back. We have two beautiful boys whom we both adore and my life is so perfect with you, so please don't ever forget how much I love you and how eternally grateful I am that I found my soul mate on that day. It changed my life.
I know it may not feel like it right now because you will be in pain, and believe me if I could I would be there to take it away from you, but things will get easier and you will learn to still miss me but see how wonderful and rare what we have is. I would never swap the years I had with you for an eternity with anyone else because in the short time we had together I knew what it was to be truly happy.
I love you with all my heart and soul and that will never change. Even if I'm dead, I'll always be with you.
Emily xxx
Naomi stared at the pages before rolling the letter into a ball and throwing it to the floor. Emily was about to protest until she saw her wife slump forward and Naomi began to shake as the uncontrollable sobs once again took over her whole body. Everything Emily had written was true but reading the letter had merely highlighted the sheer enormity of what she had lost. It was like being shown paradise and being allowed to visit briefly before it was snatched away. Nothing would ever compare afterwards so how could her life ever be meaningful again?
Emily watched Naomi slowly get up from the sofa and pick up the letter. The blonde smoothed it out and laid it on the table. The redhead looked as her wife found a pen and scribbled an addition to the bottom of the letter but Emily couldn't read it. Naomi's tear heavy eyes wandered round the room until her gaze fell on the mantelpiece. Emily followed her wife's stare and suddenly she began to panic.
"Naomi, no, please don't even think like that." Emily begged but Kevin was right the blonde's grief was so intense she stood no chance of seeing her wife's ghost.
As the blonde got up Emily could see clearly what she had written on the letter.
I can't go on without Emily, all I want is to be with her again. Tell Josh and Ben I love them and I'm so sorry I'm such a coward, but I can't deal with this pain anymore.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck. What am I going to do? Think Emily, think." The redhead said to herself.
She floated quickly over to the mantelpiece and stared intently at the bottle of sleeping pills Effy had left out earlier. She summoned up all of her energy and focused on her gym training while she willed the bottle to move out of the blonde's reach. It was no good, she still couldn't move things and her wife picked them up and made her way back to the sofa.
"KEVIN, KEVIN. Please I need you here now. Please you have to stop Naomi doing this, I'm not strong enough yet. KEVIN, where the fuck are you?" Emily shouted into the ether.
She turned back to Naomi who had opened the bottle and tipped the contents onto the coffee table. Emily was no expert, but she was pretty sure there were enough to kill you on the table. It was certainly a much larger pile than she had accumulated when she attempted suicide as a cry for help at 15.
She wished Naomi could hear her, but she supposed if that had happened then they wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. She tried calling Kevin again but it was no use.
She stood in front of her wife and grew angry, "NAOMI, NO! I know this is hurting you but please don't take this way out. You even know you're being a coward but you're still prepared to do it. I didn't want to die and I'd never have left you or our boys by choice. Please don't leave them orphans."
She watched as her wife took a handful of the pills and swallowed them, washing them down with a large gulp of vodka. Emily didn't have much time. Emily had a sudden vision of Josh or Ben bounding into the lounge in a few days and finding Naomi's body. The image was so horrific she knew she had to do something, anything to get the blonde to see sense.
Suddenly her eyes fell on a picture of the four of them on the sideboard. She'd joked with Kevin that moving the pencil was hardly life and death, but she knew at this moment that if she didn't move that picture Naomi would die. She concentrated harder than she ever had in the gym and pictured the boys finding their Mummy. She stared at the photo, willing it to move.
All of a sudden the picture flew to the floor and the glass front smashed. The unexpected noise was enough to stop Naomi and she staggered over to where it had fallen. At first she had difficulty focusing but when her eyes adjusted the first thing she saw was the happy gaze of her two sons. She stared at the family portrait and it was enough to snap her out of her fug.
"Holy shit, what the fuck was I thinking? Josh or Ben could have found me. Oh my God, I'd have fucking orphaned them." Naomi panicked and looked at the table to judge how many pills she'd taken.
She realised it didn't matter because she'd only just taken them, she could get rid of them all as long as she could make herself sick. She went into the downstairs cloakroom and shoved her fingers as far down her throat as she could. Given the amount of vodka she'd sunk it didn't take much to get her retching and relief flooded through her as she brought back the pills as she continued to vomit.
Emily also let out a sigh of relief as she saw Naomi throwing up the tablets. She heard a pop as Kevin appeared.
"What's up Emily? You look like you've seen a ghost." He said with a small laugh.
His expression changed as Emily slapped his cheek, "Ow, what the hell was that for?"
Emily's eyes narrowed, "Where the fuck were you Kevin? I told you to be around in case I needed you."
"I thought you needed some space. What happened?" Kevin asked.
"Naomi almost tried to kill herself, I called for you to come and do something but you didn't help." Emily said bursting into tears.
Kevin put his arm around her, "Hey, I didn't realise, I'm sorry. So why didn't she go through with it?"
Emily sniffed, "I managed to smash a photo frame on the floor and it snapped her out of it. What if I hadn't been able to move it?"
"But you did and now you can move things so that's good right?" Kevin said gently.
"Not really a lot of consolation Kevin, I was scared shitless." Emily said angrily.
They looked up as Naomi re-entered the room drinking a large glass of water. She sat back onto the sofa and slowly put the remaining pills back into the bottle. She picked up the photo and began to cry.
"I'm so sorry Em, that's twice I've let you and the boys down today." The blonde said through her tears.
Suddenly a wave of tiredness washed over her and she panicked that some of the sleeping pills were still in her system until she realised how late it was and what a long day she'd had. Slowly she got up and took the water upstairs with her. She brushed her teeth again before she climbed into bed. She switched off the light and it wasn't long before she felt herself drifting off to sleep.
Although moving the photo had taken a lot of Emily's energy she was determined to stay with her wife, especially in light of what had just happened. As usual she spooned into Naomi and wrapped her arms tightly around the blonde.
Kevin stood awkwardly, "I am sorry Emily, I can stay if you like?"
The redhead shook her head, "It's fine, I think we'll be ok now."
Naomi stirred slightly, "Em, stop fidgeting, I'm trying to sleep."
Emily stared wildly at Kevin, unsure if what happened meant anything. "Can she feel me here?"
"See I told you your worlds were getting closer. It's not just children when adults first go off to sleep they're usually more sensitive to ghosts too. She might not be able to see you when she's awake yet, but it's not far off, I promise." Kevin said before he disappeared.
The redhead turned back to her wife and snuggled in closer before gently kissing her neck.
"Mmmm, that's nice but I'm too tired babe, maybe in the morning." Naomi responded.
Emily grew excited but decided to do one more test, "Naomi don't ever scare me like that again, do you promise?"
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to frighten you. I triple promise I won't do anything as stupid as that again. Night Em, I love you." Naomi said sleepily.
"I love you too baby, sleep tight." Emily replied but Naomi had already started snoring.
The redhead's smile grew wider as Kevin's words came back to her. Naomi's not far off seeing me when she's awake, the redhead thought, Jesus, I'll even put up with this deafening noise if it means we can have conversations like that every night.
Emily leaned over and whispered in Naomi's ear, "Come on baby, I know you can do this. You just have to want it and believe."
As Emily settled down to watch over Naomi she noticed the blonde's face relax and a slight smile appeared as she slept soundly.
