The Winter Soldier wasn't used to kindness.
He'd only experienced it twice since he awoke from cryosleep. This first time was with the man he'd met on the bridge. The one who gave him a name. The one he was supposed to kill.
Steve.
After he'd rescued the man and left him on the banks of the Potomac, the Winter Soldier fled. He dug a coat and jeans out of a dumpster and put them on. He begged and stole food when he could, although it was never enough to satisfy his hunger. He slept in alleys or abandoned buildings, always careful never to stay in one place for too long. He didn't need HYDRA or the man on the bridge coming after him.
It was only when he went to the Smithsonian that he rediscovered his purpose. He'd seen the face of the man he was supposed to be in the exhibit. Seen him laughing in black and white footage with the man on the bridge. Seen glimpses of a life that was coming back to him in flashes without anyone to wipe them away.
Bucky Barnes.
After leaving the museum, he stowed away on a train to New York. He wandered the streets for a while, searching for more answers, more clues. Searching for the address that he saw in the museum, the one that showed the block he used to live on.
The second time the Winter Soldier experienced kindness was here, with Elena.
He'd half expected her to call the police, chase him out, provoke the instincts that had made him the Winter Soldier. Instead he offered to help him. He was dumbfounded as to why a stranger would agree to help him discover his past, much less let him stay in her home. Something in the back of his mind screamed that she was a HYDRA agent, sent here to befriend and then retrieve him. But something in her chocolate brown eyes made him trust her.
Trust. That was something the Winter Soldier hadn't felt in a long time.
And now, sitting on her couch, his belly full for the first time in weeks, watching her flip through the huge book and scribble on her notepad, he felt like he had a shot at finding out who he was.
"So," she said with a small smile. "Now that we've established you're not going anywhere, what of your past do you actually remember?"
He swallowed. The memories came unannounced, in random orders. Since his escape from Hydra he only had one clear memory, of a tiny kid with blond hair and blue eyes. A boy he needed to protect at all costs.
"A . . . a kid. Blond hair blue eyes. I had to protect him . . ." He squeezed his eyes shut, even remembering something as simple as that was enough to give him a splitting headache.
He opened his eyes to find Elena staring at him, a look of concern on her face. "That must've been Steve." She said gently. She flipped open the textbook and held it up for him to see. In it there was a picture of a scrawny kid, the same from his dreams. "He was tiny before the serum. It says you were always the one to get him out of fights with bullies."
He swallowed hard again. "I remember that, some of it. I remember beating up people so he would be safe. But after that, it still comes in fragments. Before they would wipe me so the memories never came back . . ."
He could see Elena was intrigued-and possibly frightened- by those words, so he closed his mouth. He could almost see the thoughts forming in her head as she scribbled more notes in her notebook. Once again he had the overwhelming urge to leave the apartment, for her own safety. Part of him was still terrified that his programming would return and he would start murdering anyone in his path. He'd rather have been is isolated in the streets again then risk that happening to more innocent people.
Because that's all he was, wasn't he? A monster.
Elena looked up at him, lips pursing in dissatisfaction, as though she could hear the words being echoed in his head.
"I saw you on the news in DC."
He tensed, the memories of that day flooding his mind. "I'm not going to hurt you . . . I . . .I don't want to hurt anyone ever again, please-"
He was startled to see the grin spread across her face. "Look, first off I know since I'm not dead on the floor from the other night, that you're not gong to beat me to death with that metal arm of yours. And secondly, you're not just some weapon used to destroy Washington. You're Bucky Barnes, even if you don't know that yet. And damnit, I'm gonna help you figure that out. So don't you dare even think about leaving this place again."
Then her expression turned more serious. "I think HYDRA did something to you. "
He nodded, a shocked expression on his face, still perplexed at how someone like Elena was showing him so much kindness. He could vaguely feel warmth coming from his chest, but he decided to ignore it.
Elena looked out the window, noticing that the sun had long dipped below the clouds. She yawned. "Look, I'll go to classes tomorrow and see if I can find anything that could help us. But first I think we should get some rest. You can have the couch."
She stood up and started heading down the hall to her room. She looked back and smiled at him. "Goodnight, James."
James. He hadn't thought to call himself that before. But Elena seemed to like it, so he decided he liked it.
He lay down on the couch, relishing that the softness wasn't the harness that came from sleeping on the ground or on benches, and closed his eyes.
That night, the nightmares came back.
