Fantasy
Of
Utter
Ridiculousness

(Part Four)

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Patchouli cared about Remilia as a friend very much, but there were times when she felt like introducing her to knowledge by slamming her face in a dictionary.

I could have handled doing research on magic-using golems or something similar... so why is Remi having me go out and play "Incident Resolution Specialist" in all but name? I'm not a field worker. I'm not even a house worker... I'm just a shut-in librarian with far too much time on her hands.

"And all this moisture in the air makes me want to sneeze," Patchouli muttered to herself as she flew. Off to one side she could see the trench that marked the statue's arrival, damaged earth and trees everywhere. She ignored it for now, heading for the border of the Forest of Magic. "Needing to find this 'Kourindou' place, looking like Remi's personal errand runner, falling a rabbit short of the finish line..."

She knew of Kourindou, of course, having recalled the name being mentioned in connection with one of Sakuya's errands. Marisa had once spoken of its owner as well, a half-youkai who could discern the name and purpose of anything... even if he had no idea how that purpose could be carried out.

It wasn't his knowledge that Remilia wanted her to get, though; it was his ability. If she at least had a name and an idea of what the statue was meant for, that would make determining how to handle this much easier in theory.

...But until she got there, she'd have to deal with all this leftover moisture from the storms. "The sun is out, and it's not alright," she continued to grouse. "Messing with my hair, making me feel that I have to find some shade..." She trembled a bit as the wind picked up. "I should've taken a parasol with me, too... or better yet, a blanket. I don't like this at all."

A strange noise was heard in the distance, and she frowned. "And worse yet, the fairies are active... now I have to fight my way between them and the shop." A smattering of colored dots appeared in the distance off to her right. Hmm? The fairies are visible even from this distance? ...Something about this smells like sulfur...

Wind pushed and tugged at her, slowing down her flight speed. "What's... this?..." Patchouli managed to utter aloud; the wind was coming from the direction of the fairies. Her eyes squeezed shut as she struggled not to be blown off-course...

The noise that she heard was much more audible now: it was cackling and giggling, very annoying, off-center and extremely loud. She forced open one eye, intent on at least making a pretense towards combat...

And almost choked. They were fairies, all right, but they looked as if they'd gotten some of the Ibuki oni's blood in their veins: they had to have been close to a dozen meters in height, at least; they were raring to charge into battle, and they were heading straight for her. Still struggling against the wind, which was being whipped up by the furious beating of the fairies' wings, Patchouli grabbed a spell card and braced herself for the inevitable onslaught of danmaku. This is going to sting...

But the fairies flew past, not seeming to have noticed her. Their size, momentum and proximity- - -the closest one had brushed past scarcely a centimeter away- - -spun her like a top and disoriented her, but she wasn't harmed. Patchouli looked up at the departing fairies as she swerved dizzily, eyes swirling. ...It didn't sting? They didn't attack? The vicious little whirlybirds don't want a piece of the One Week Wizard? ...Dizzyyyy, head's spinning, like a whirlypool that never ends...

She stayed still for a bit, stabilizing her vision and her thoughts. Once she could think straight without her brain delving into non sequitors, she pondered what she'd just seen. "They must be so intent on their target that they disregard anything beneath their notice... and someone on the order of five feet tall qualifies," Patchouli mused aloud. "But how did they get so big? And what or who could they be going after?..."

Something at the edge of her vision tugged her eyes in that direction. She frowned; she might have been in overall poor health, but there was nothing wrong with her eyesight. Walking through the Forest (and making a mess of it) in an easterly direction was a speck of blue and orange... and if she wasn't mistaken, those were flames painted on it. "What, indeed?"

A quick look at the distant fairies confirmed it; they were going after the statue. Giving a silent apology to Remilia, Patchouli turned in the direction the behemoth was walking in and flew off as fast as was permissible. Second-hand information was fine in some respects, but for a situation like this she wanted to learn the facts straight from the source.

/-/-/-/-/

Unknowing of the incoming flock, Coop and the others sedately journeyed eastward through Gensokyo to their final destination. Having faith in his recording equipment and being willing to put the movies aside until he returned, the obese gamer wasn't in any hurry to return home just yet.

Alice had volunteered to lead them and was now flying just a bit off to Megas's left side. "...So like I was saying," she was explaining, raising her voice to be heard over the noise the mech was generating as it walked, "Reimu Hakurei's your best bet to send you past the barrier. Gensokyo's overseer would have a much easier time of it, but no one really knows where she lives, and she usually sleeps during daylight anyway."

"Sounds like my kind of person," Jamie remarked.

Alice's head turned towards them. One of her eyebrows was halfway up her forehead. "How so? I haven't even told you anything about her. Most youkai are nocturnal, so..."

"People with lots of power have their own little quirks," the tagalong explained. "There's examples all over the place if you know where to look."

"And where were you looking?" Coop wanted to know.

"Z, the fifth episode in or so. Remember? The guy who created that computer virus thought that bacon was the highest form of life on earth."

"Fairy," Kiva remarked out of the blue.

"Bacon, not fairy," Coop said. He smiled. "And I saw what he was getting at. Fry 'em to perfection, slather cheese sauce and mushrooms on them, stick them between two slices of bread-"

"Fairy," Kiva said again, this time a bit irritably.

"The fairies wouldn't like it if I did that." Coop shook his head. "Ask them to fry it, maybe, but- - -"

Alice, who didn't bother trying to figure out what they were talking about, looked around... Dear sweet mother of Makai...! ...And went evasive, just as a colossal amount of spell fodder crashed headlong into Megas, forcing it to take part in impromptu deforestation as it went down.

"...Oh. That fairy."

/-/-/-/

"Concentrate... my mind..."

/-/-/-/

The lead fairy sniggered happily, pleased that its first attack had worked, and raised its hands in front of it. A ring of danmaku took shape, and as she prepared to fire she let her triumphant thoughts block out everything else. This is the big metal thing that scared me? What a joke!

Before she could get much further, the giant raised one hand and shot it off, nailing the fairy square in the face. For all of its size, the mythical creature still had the comparative fragility of its race, and thus shattered into a cloud of defragmented glass; the danmaku she had been readying evaporated. The glass continued to break down, disappearing after a few seconds.

/-/-/-/

Coop wasn't given much time to question anyone as to what happened. Immediately after Megas's hand reappeared and the mech stood up, their vision became clouded with enormous fairies. In the air and on the ground, there were so many that not even Alice could see them all. They were roughly half of Megas's size, but they all had that unnerving childish glee that said in no uncertain terms: "We are going to annoy you until you beg for mercy!"

It was a shame they didn't know what they were up against. The reactions would have been priceless.

"..." Jamie surveyed the crowd, unsure of how to respond. "...I don't know whether to laugh or cower."

"You'll probably end up doing both," Kiva remarked. "Look at them all! Where did all of these come from?"

Alice was looking between the fairies and her grimoire indecisively. "Hey, Alice!" Coop called to her. "Do those card rules apply to these things?"

"Not unless they ask for it," she answered. "Do what you want with them."

"Just what I wanted to hear." Coop glared at the fairies. "Showtime, kids!" Putting the pedal to the metal, he drove Megas straight at the nearest pair of oversized shrimps, who in turn rushed to meet him in combat.

/-/-/-/

It was probably one of the most ridiculous and one-sided combat affairs that Alice had ever witnessed. For a while the magus didn't even bother to use any danmaku, its controller opting for melee combat.

Faintly audible over the noise of combat was a song, at least one of the instruments used being unrecognizable to her. To her ears it sounded harsh, completely unlike what she was used to (not that she had heard much), but she had to admit it fit the pace of the combat. She wouldn't be inquiring about it anytime soon, though; it was interesting, but not that interesting. At least now I know that Jamie wasn't lying to me about the music.

The first pair of fairies were downed when Coop slammed their heads together with enough force to drop them in a dazed heap to the ground, where they disintegrated a second later. Another one tried to blast the magus with an onslaught of bullets, but they were dodged altogether; instead, they hit a different fairy who was trying to get the drop on it from behind. Yet another fairy was used as a stepping stone for the magus to get some height, driving a target into the ground with an elbow drop.

A punt here. A clothesline there. Nabbing a large bullet and slinging it back at the one who threw it. Flinging a fairy away with an over-the-shoulder throw, and then grabbing another and giving it a good long spin before launching it into the sky.

Alice was not so intent on watching the fight that she missed the shadow that covered her. Without turning around, she summoned a squad of eight dolls and had them blanket the air behind her head with lasers and danmaku. She didn't need her eyes to know that what she had hit was one of the giant fairies, or that the startled creature temporarily snapped out of existence after prolonged fire. Not one of the greater ones, then. Those take a substantial amount of damage already...

The disappearance of that opponent had not gone unnoticed. Three of the closest fairies turned their attention towards Alice, seeing the little blue-and-white speck that had dared to strike one of them down. Yelling, they brought their hands towards her and peppered the air with spherical danmaku. Each bullet that normally would've been half her size had been magnified to colossal proportions, and even as she started to go evasive she knew that dodging all of them would be a chore...

"Sun Sign: Royal Flare!"

The air shined brightly, and the vicinity became filled with fire and sunlight. Alice cried out in surprise and shielded her eyes... but whoever was responsible wasn't attacking her. Instead, the blazing fury wiped that portion of the battlefield clean, extinguishing bullets and subjecting her attackers to its full power. By the time the light dimmed enough for her to see again, all three fairies had gone the way of their companion.

Alice swept her eyes across the air, finally spotting a familiar face to her left. Patchouli was floating there, panting a little from the exertion of using one of her strongest spell cards. "...Patchouli? What are you doing out here?"

The librarian turned to where the magus was still engaged in combat; a sword of fire had appeared in its hands and was now being used to thin the fairy horde. "Playing a game by request," she said after a moment. "It's not a very fun one. Do you know who is responsible for those fairies, or what that thing over there is supposed to be?"

/-/-/-/

The skinny mustached human, some salve and medicine in his hands, gruffly gave Reisen his thanks and walked off. With no other customers nearby, she stood back a moment and took a quick look at what she had left, which wasn't much.

For all that she looked like just another youkai, the humans had effectively swarmed her when she made it known that she was selling medicine. The dreadful weather had damaged roughly half of the village- - -including the residence of one "Child of Miare"- - -and caused more than a few injuries, and the residents weren't picky about who they wanted recovery aids from. There were even a few minor youkai who had crept into the crowd and took medicine meant specifically for them, claiming that the loss of their own homes had left them at the mercy of the elements.

Reisen wasn't wholly comfortable around humans, and vice versa, but for Eirin and Kaguya's sake she supposed she could put up with them. She stood patiently, waiting for another customer to approach and ask what was left...

"Arrrghh! Look out, rabbit!"

"Eh...?" The curious Reisen turned to see what was wrong... and was hit by a whole mess of debris as one of the fairies that Megas had thrown crashed into a nearby abandoned house, utterly shattering it. The fairy made its fade-out almost as soon as it hit, but the damage had already been done.

Some of the braver humans that had seen what had happened rushed forward and carefully pulled the debris off of Reisen. The moon rabbit staggered and stood up, surprised and scratched but otherwise fine; the decades of dealing with Tewi's mischievous nature had unexpected benefits. "What... was that?" she exclaimed, eyes wide.

"If I didn't know better," a muscular farmer muttered in bemusement, "I'd say it was a fairy that ate too much of my grandma's cooking."

"Or one that ate too much of my daughter's," Reisen's last customer quipped. "If I didn't know better, I'd say she was the one behind this..." He shook his head after a second. "Mm... nah. Not likely."

Several of those that had helped her ran off while the rest lingered and kept their eyes open for any more large fairies, talking amongst themselves. Reisen herself didn't stick around; she had an idea as to why that fairy had landed there, and she fully expected that robot she'd seen earlier to have something to do with it. Grabbing her miraculously undamaged pack and medicine, she proceeded to close up shop.

/-/-/-/-/

At the same time that Reisen was finishing her work in the village, someone else was getting ready to take action.

The thunder, strange metallic wheezing, and fairy cries had been growing louder for a while now. Not too far from the village (as far as she knew), Suika's sake-addled mind worked to determine what the cause of them was. The trees around her had become wrecked, snapped apart and leaving little but stumps and broken limbs behind. Every now and then she caught glimpes of blue and orange amidst the remaining plant life, amongst other colors. Square footprints criss-crossed the path in places where the ground hadn't yet dried up from the rain.

Suika's eyes brightened. Someone's fighting here. Someone mighty. Could it be...? She raised her head, shielding her eyes from the sun, and frowned as she discovered who the combatants were. Shame... it's not an oni. I was hoping one of them would come out by now... Smiling, she cracked her knuckles. But if they're loaded with brawn, maybe they'd be up for a challenge. I wouldn't be adverse to that...

She raised her gourd to her lips and took another good, long drink of the sake within. But first, to victory...!

There hadn't been any warning, and it happened so fast that she didn't realize what had happened. There was a panicked yell as something unwillingly grazed past her, snapping her gourd's chain and sending the treasure spinning off somewhere; this was accompanied by a burst of wind that made her hair fly every which way. A sharp snap was heard as the victim disintegrated, but Suika didn't see it or pay the noise much mind.

"Ehhhh?..."

She thought for sure her gourd had been in her hand a second ago. Did I drop it?... A quick survey of the ground revealed that no, she didn't. Where did it go? Did someone want a drink without asking me first? Maybe Yukari? Wouldn't surprise me if she did... She looked around, but saw only the nearby forms of the iron-clad titan and the fairies. The empty air had no answers to her question, and of her favorite possession there was no sign.

No, I didn't drop it. I'm not that clumsy. It couldn't have disappeared into thin air, either. Someone had to have swiped it from me... it's the only thing that makes sense. That someone is going to pay the price for stealing from an oni... Suika's stare lingered on the metal giant, eyes narrowing as it got up from a dropkick it had delivered. And it looks like someone just got volunteered.

She turned off of the path, walking slowly and with purpose towards the smackdown that was in its final stages.

/-/-/-/

"...Tenderly whisper the spell... into the mini-hakkero..."

/-/-/-/

A puppeteer and a librarian hovered side by side, watching Coop cut the last of the fairies down to size. There were only around ten or so left, and the two youkai were starting to get the feeling that he was used to fighting against uneven odds.

Down below them, the first of the fairies that the magus had pulverized had fully regenerated. It was dazed and just a little bit frightened, but most importantly it was no longer the gigantic being that it was before. Whimpering, wondering what had happened and wanting to reach some semblance of safety, the fairy tottered off and flew away.

Neither of the two youkai paid her any mind. "It's like watching Flandre at play," Patchouli murmured as two of the fairies met their end by a spinning piledriver, with one being crashed into another. "My experiences with humans on the whole are limited, but I've never heard of anyone his age being this rambunctious."

"It's probably just as well that they don't want to stay," Alice returned. A flurry of missiles surged from Megas's legs towards the remaining fairies; several of them missed and went on to create a few sizeable craters a hundred meters away, while the rest disintegrated the unruly mob. "The collateral damage is absolutely atrocious. If they remained, there wouldn't be a safe corner left in Gensokyo." She frowned. "I never thought I'd say this, but where on earth is Yukari?"

"Injured and unconscious in one of our guest rooms. I don't know if she has woken up yet."

"...That puts a whole new spin on things. If we'd known about this sooner, we could've just flown there and woken her up instead of heading up the mountain towards the shrine."

Patchouli shrugged minutely. "I don't think her present condition is very well known. Don't concern yourself with it."

It was then that they noticed that the battlefield had fallen silent. The acres surrounding them were an utter mess; everything in a one and a half kilometer radius had been effectively decimated, and they could discern the outline of the village outskirts in the distance. The two of them exchanged a look, then drifted towards the magus. Every now and then they could hear the confused murmurings of fairies that had finished their regeneration, and they both were relieved to note that whatever had caused their growth had been reversed by their innate immortality. At least something good had come of this.

/-/-/-/

For the second time that day, Megas dusted off its hands. The brawl was over, and there was neither hide nor hair of their attackers that they could tell. For all of their bluster, none of them had come close to doing any serious damage; there had been a few close calls whenever they were able to get any shots off, but the modified prototype had been able to stay the course. All in all, it was no different from the first time Megas had butted heads with the Glorft.

"Well, that was a blast." Coop opened a compartment next to his seat and withdrew a Big Glug, drinking from it heartily.

"Goes without saying," Jamie said, gesturing at the ruined landscape. In the distance, several halfway-damaged trees splintered and toppled over. "So, who else are we going to meet today? Living phantoms? Talking cats? Tofu enthusiasts?"

"Perish the thought," Coop replied, grimacing as he set the Big Glug down. "What sort of nut enjoys tofu, anyway?"

-?-

Elsewhere in Gensokyo, growing increasingly concerned that she hadn't located her master yet, Ran wondered why she suddenly felt the urge to defend her snack preferences.

-?-

"Fake food aside, if we're finished demolishing this side of Gensokyo," Kiva uttered just a bit bitingly, "we really ought to get to the shrine. And could we fly this time instead of kicking aside everything in your way?"

"Hold up a sec." Jamie sat up, checking something in the rearview mirror. "Doll designer and flying zombie in pajamas at six o'clock."

When they turned to look, they could see that Jamie's assessment was pretty accurate; the girl that was with Alice didn't quite look like one of the undead, but she had the face of someone who was both annoyed with life and hadn't seen the sun in weeks, possibly months.

Alice stopped a few meters away, but the "zombie" flew right up to Megas's head and tapped on the glass. Obligingly, Coop rolled down the window. "Yeah? What is it? We've got someplace we've gotta be."

"Forgive me," the girl said, her voice quiet but firm. She leaned on the car door as she spoke. "...But I would like to ask you about this... thing you're controlling. I've heard some details from several sources, but it seems my information was in error."

"We were just on our way to the Hakurei shrine, but if you'd like we can talk on the way," Kiva offered, making a bit of room in the back seat just in case.

The girl didn't look too sure. "You want me... to sit in this thing? Please. I'm not that foolish."

"I'll have you know I'm a perfectly safe driver," Coop defended himself. "Sure, I've had a few close calls, but it's always been the other guy's fault."

Jamie smiled. "That's usually how it works, isn't it?"

Kiva gave the girl a once-over, concerned. "Are you sure you should be flying out there? You don't look too well."

"I've been better," the girl admitted, starting to look a bit unsure, "but I'll manage. I'm used to- - -"

A child's voice from down below cut her off. "Heyyyyyy..."

Something hit the side of Megas's left foot, illicting shouts of surprise from Coop and the others; the vehicle shook and almost tumbled. The girl, who had still been leaning against the door, jerked forward a bit too far; she fell through the open window and behind the front seat, a nonsensical exclamation escaping her as she landed.

"What was that?" Jamie shouted, alarmed. "Where'd that come from? I thought there weren't any more of those things out there!"

As Coop brought Megas back under control, the childish call repeated itself. After the mech turned enough for him to survey the sides, he discovered the likely culprit... and it wasn't like anything he'd expected it to be. "A kid?"

"A kid?" Jamie and Kiva echoed.

"Yeah. It's this little kid with pointed hair," Coop confirmed, gesturing at the side of his head to indicate the possible length.

Kiva barely heard Alice's quietly muttered "uh-oh" over the engines. "I have a bad feeling about this," the redhead spoke with a frown.

"Heyyy..." The child called up to them, her voice this side of slurred. "Whatcha take my gourd for? Gimme it baccck."

"...A gourd?" Jamie asked, peering outside with bemusement. "What does a gourd have to do with anything?"

"You got the wrong person, kid!" Coop shouted back down. "I'm just passing through here on my way to Jersey City. I'm not looking for trouble."

The child hiccupped. "Don'tcha lie to me, big guy. I know you did somethin' with it. Let me have it and I won't crack your toy like an egg."

"Play it safe, Coop," Alice tried to warn him. "Don't do anything to antagonize her. That raw strength of hers is nothing to laugh at!"

"Play it safe, how?" Coop protested. "I don't have whatever this gourd thing is, and I don't want to stand here all day arguing with her. If it means taking her down a few pegs to get her to stop, then she's more than welcome to try!"

The response he got was another hit, this time to Megas's torso. The prototype skidded backwards and fell, crushing some tree stumps beneath it and accidentally smacking aside some fairies that had just gotten done regenerating; Alice just barely avoided the same fate.

As the group regathered themselves Megas propped itself up on its arms, only to stare up at a dangerous sight: the little child that had threatened them had shot upwards in height, easily equal to Megas even without the horns that grew out the sides of her head. She smirked almost lazily down at them. "Don't wanna give back my drinky-drink? It's a fight you're hankering for, huhhh?"

The girl who'd fallen inside the car groaned as she tried to sit upright, but the trio's attention was locked on the imposing figure before them. "You want to surpass an oni?" she continued a bit more coherently, leering at them. She smacked one fist into her hand, the air around it shimmering. "You're interested in a fight? Fine with me. Let's you and me fight."