It was late morning by the time the base appeared on the horizon. They breathed a sigh of relief.
Petra was feeling slightly better, and walked on her own. Her brow was still heavy with grief, though, and her eyes were dim.
I'm sorry, Dad.
The sadness weighed her down. She just wanted an end to the pain. Some hope. Hope for what? She wasn't sure.
What do I want? Staring ahead. No- what do I need? What do I want so badly, so desperately that I'm stuck here? Would it bring me peace? I can't stand this pain anymore.
"Hey!" Gunter shouted suddenly- "It's Eren!"
That snapped her out of her daze. Her head perked up. "Eren?"
"And Commander Irvin!"
Eren and Irvin were walking side by side, entering the castle. The four of them looked to each other with awe, and then they broke into a run.
They followed the pair into the hallway's dusty corridors, close enough to hear them talk.
"...so we'll act as soon as we can." Irvin was saying. "I'm thinking- two or three days. Can you tell Levi for me?"
"Of course." Eren gave a salute. "Thank you, commander!"
"No problem." Irvin walked away- stopped. "Oh- one more thing."
"Yes, sir?"
"Do you know where Levi is?"
"Uh… I'm not sure."
"He's in his room."
Eren glanced up at the sky. "This late? Wouldn't he be training?"
"No." Irvin looked away, shaking his head. "No."
Eren asked no more questions, and the squad followed him as he climbed the winding stairs.
They pooled around him as he arrived at the door. Eren's eyes darted to the plaque on the side. 'Corporal', it read.
He gulped as he reached forward, knocked on the wood.
No reply.
"Why would the corporal be in his room this late?" Gunter wondered.
They watched as Eren shifted uncomfortably. He glanced down the corridor, then knocked again. "Corporal." He said. "Levi. Hello?"
"Maybe he's hurt!" Petra said. "He didn't look hurt when I saw him- but-"
"Don't worry." Erd interrupted. "He's fine."
"And how do you know?"
"The corporal… can be a very predictable man sometimes."
"What do you mean?"
"Alright, corporal- I'm- I'm coming in!" Eren stammered. Petra could tell that it was the absolute last thing he wanted to do- yet he turned the knob, pushing the door open.
"What do you mean, Erd?" She asked again.
"Day or two after a failed mission." Erd replied. "Lost his whole squad. What do you think he's doing?"
"Levi…" They heard Eren say- "Are you… drinking?"
Petra pushed past Eren, peeking in- the rest of them gathered behind her-
Levi was sitting at his desk, head down. A bottle rested crookedly in his hand. Petra noticed that the window's curtains were drawn, and that the room was lit only by dim candlelight.
"Uh… uh…" Eren cleared his throat. "Er-"
Levi's voice was muffled by his arms. "If you came to say something," he said coldly, "Then you might as well."
"Oh! Yeah." Eren looked around the darkened room. "Irvin wanted me to tell you that the mission will start in two or three days."
"That's it?"
"That's it." Eren hesitated. "What did you think- I was going to say... sir?"
Levi lifted his head, raising the bottle to his lips. He took a long drink, then set it down. Spoke.
"Nothing."
It was clear that Eren was uncomfortable. He didn't leave, though. Instead, he closed the door behind him.
"What do you want, brat?"
"Well," Eren began. "I was just curious… why did you cover the mirror?"
There was a heavy bed sheet over the lone mirror in the room, draped carefully on top of it. The folds nearly reached the ground.
"Old mourning tradition."
"You've never been one for tradition."
"Don't want to see myself in them." Levi took the now-empty bottle and laid it on its side, giving it a slow spin. "Ugh. Stupid."
"Levi… are you okay?"
Levi shot him a tired look. "Do I look okay?"
"No. Not really."
"I feel like shit." Levi leaned back, running a hand through his hair. He seemed to notice Eren's unease, and he rolled his eyes.
"I'm not actually drinking. This is juice."
Erd's eyebrows raised, and he looked to the rest of the group. They returned his questioning look.
"I just wanted everyone to leave me alone."
"Oh." Eren started backing away. "Sorry for disturbing you, s-"
"No, not you. You're staying."
Eren paused.
"May I ask- why?"
Levi's voice dropped, and they had to strain to hear-
"Because you're the only one left, dammit."
"The only one…?"
"I should have been with them." A hand to his forehead. "Could've done something. I made my choice, and I regret it, and that's just how it is." A frustrated sigh. "Doesn't make me feel any less shitty, though."
"I know." Eren looked down. "I also could've done something. I was right there…"
"You watched them die, didn't you?"
A painful silence.
"I did."
Levi leaned his head to the side. "How did they-" He stopped. "Fuck. Never mind, I don't want to know."
"I- I didn't either, sir."
Levi turned to him. "So we've both lived to regret the choices we made." His eyes hardened. "Welcome to the scouting legion."
Petra felt a tightness in her chest. Levi…
An awkward pause.
Then-
Levi exploded.
"HELL!" He stood up, kicking his chair aside. Grabbed his head. "I could've fucking done something-"
"You wouldn't died too!" Eren said, startled by the sudden movement. "You and Mikasa barely saved me-"
"That doesn't change anything, stupid brat!" Levi's voice was growing hysterical. "GodDAMMIT! I'm such a piece of shit-" He grabbed the bottle, smashed it against the desk. Sharp, sparkling shards of glass. "All the skill in the world, and I could even fucking save-"
"Levi!"
Eren grabbed him, locking him in his arms.
Levi sagged, and Eren sank to the floor with him.
Instantly, the squad rushed forward. Instinct. They all gathered around Levi and Eren, wrapping their arms around them. Can they feel us? Petra pondered.
Whatever the reason, Levi seemed to calm down; His eyes softened, melting from fury into grief.
"You're the only one left." He repeated.
Eren squeezed him a little tighter. When he spoke, his voice was thick with tears.
"I miss them too." He wiped his eyes on his shoulder. "I really miss them. It hurts. They did their duty, and now we're closer to a breakthrough than ever before… but it still hurts."
Levi looked up. "I think I need a drink."
"You're going to kill your liver."
That earned him a chuckle from the corporal. "Hmph."
Petra, Erd, Auruo, Gunter- they all closed their eyes. Arms around the two that remained. A warmth, a strong sureness.
A lump in Petra's throat, as she realized that they would never all truly be together again.
"Hey- Levi?"
"Mm?"
"Do you think-" Eren ducked his head a little, embarassed. "Do you think they're watching?"
Levi gave that one some thought.
"Don't be ridiculous, Eren." He said finally. A sly smile.
"Of course they are."
After a little while, Eren helped him up; the embrace was broken, and the squad members stood.
"Come on." Eren said. "Let's go outside. You shouldn't be stuck in here."
"Arrogant brat. Since when do you tell me what to do?"
"Since right now."
Despite his complaint, Levi left after him. The squad was left in the room. They stared wistfully after the pair.
Erd turned to them.
"What now?"
Petra shrugged. "I don't know. I guess we could-" Suddenly, she noticed something.
"...Gunter?"
Gunter was standing near them, but his eyes were miles away.
"Gunter, what's wrong?"
"We helped. That's what Eren said." Gunter said slowly. "They're close to a breakthrough because of us. The mission didn't fail."
"Yeah, I guess." Auruo muttered. "So?"
"Our mission didn't fail."
"What are getting at?!"
A blissful smile spread across Gunter's face. His brow relaxed.
Petra blinked. "Gunter?"
"Thanks, guys." He whispered. "I'm so happy."
He dissolved into the still air.
"GUNTER!"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
They sat, one of many in the empty dining hall. All three of them.
Erd had a hand against his face. Petra's head was against the table. Auruo simply crossed his arms, with closed eyes and a furrowed brow.
Erd broke the silence.
"He's gone."
"We found him." Petra said. "We found him, only to lose him again."
"Cruel world." Auruo muttered. He opened his eyes. "Crap. I can't believe…"
Erd looked up, at the two of them. Concern deepened the lines in his face. He spoke.
"And he looked so happy."
They heard a cart outside, rumbling over stony ground. The whinnying of horses.
Petra let out a wobbling sigh. "He looked... like he'd never been happier in his entire life."
She swallowed hard.
"Where… where do you think he is now?"
No one dared answer.
"Well, you know what they say." Auruo said finally. "A better place."
"How can I believe he's in a better place if- I can't see him?" Petra ran a hand through her hair, the dullness of sorrow in her eyes.
Erd's head lifted a little. "The only way to find out would be to follow him."
"Follow him?"
"Yeah." He leaned back. "I don't think we're supposed to be here, guys. Why aren't we seeing any other ghosts? Maybe they've all found peace. Like Gunter did." He paused. "Maybe that's our mission now."
"How can you SAY that?!" Petra yelled, standing up. She slammed a fist on the table. "Dying again?!"
"Not dying. Simply- moving on." Torment shook Erd's voice. "I don't like it either, believe me- but we have nothing else to do on earth. Do you want to stay here, Petra? For all eternity?"
"NO!" Petra kicked her chair aside, and it toppled over with a crash. The shadow of it, of course. Not the real thing- and that just made her angrier. "I don't want to! I don't want to- I just want to be alive again!"
Auruo stood up, reaching for her. "Petra-"
"I mean- I want to be happy!" She said. "I want to have the happiness that Gunter had. I want to find out why I'm stuck here, and I want to solve it."
She sank into her chair, putting her head on the table.
"But I don't want to die, guys." Her breathing slowed once more. "I don't want to lose you all again."
A cloud passed over the sun, and the hall darkened. A dull, colorless monotone, draping over the wooden benches. Like a mourner's veil.
"This is a mess." Erd admitted. "But it's a mess I want to make sense of. We have no choice but to go on; don't worry, Petra." A slight, sad smile. "If we have to leave, we'll leave. That's just the natural order. Meanwhile, we'll stay. Gunter was a good man." He seemed to get choked up, and he hesitated. "They say death is just the next great adventure. We'll just have to see."
"Some adventure." Auruo muttered.
All of a sudden, the door opened. A group of people filed in. Levi, Hanji, Eren, Irvin. A few more.
Auruo stood up, pushing his chair in. "I think I'll go look for any ghosts around here. If we can't find each other, meet me back here. Okay?"
"Sounds good." Erd and Petra stood, following him to the door-
But Petra stopped. Took Erd's arm.
"Hey… would you mind if I stayed for a second?" She glanced at Levi, taking a seat at the head of a table. "I just want to sort out some things."
"Sure." Erd replied, giving a reassuring pat on her shoulder. "I'll wait outside the door."
Petra turned away from the door as it closed, taking a deep breath. Then, she strode forward. To Levi.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
For a while, she waited.
They're talking about the next mission. She noticed. If I talked… would he hear me? Somehow?
Hanji was staring intensely into her spoon, tilting it back in forth. Petra laughed at that. Maybe they're bored. That could help.
"Hey, Levi." She said. Her voice sounded hollow in the vastness of the hall.
Levi didn't answer, only stared ahead. Listening to Irvin.
I can pretend he's listening.
"How're you doing?" A pause. "That's alright. You don't have to answer. I'm doing fine, by the way. Erd and Auruo are with me. We're still here."
Petra icrouching on her toes. She folded her arms on the table, laying her head across them.
"I'm sorry, Levi. I've caused you a lot of pain. Then again, I didn't think I would die. I thought… we'd be together."
Ohh, that hurts. She fought down the pain.
"I wanted to promise my life to you. Can you believe it? Wow."
Her heart felt like it was falling apart.
"But… it was just a dream. A beautiful dream. You'll never see me again. We won't ever kiss, and this body… this body will never bear children." Hesitation. "I hope you don't think I'm being stupid. I really did love you."
She stood.
"But… I can't love you anymore, Levi. How could I ever find peace if I did?" A thoughtful look to the window. "I don't know how much longer I'll be stuck here, but I know what I want. I want the impossible. A family. Love. Kids. I want to wake up and make you breakfast every morning." Her eyes glistened. "And if I can't let go of that- I'll never leave."
And then she leaned forward, grasping Levi in a warm embrace. She could've sworn she felt him stiffen under her arms.
"I'm sorry, Levi." She kissed his temple. "I'm so sorry. I love you."
Petra was suddenly flooded with an immense sense of loss, piercing her core. She stepped unsteadily out the door, leaving Levi and the rest behind.
Suddenly, everyone stopped talking.
They stared at Levi.
"What?" he snapped, irritated. "What is it?"
Eren lifted a heistant hand. "Corporal- your face…"
Levi lifted his hand to his jaw.
Tears crawled down his cheeks, catching on his fingers.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Petra saw none of it. She was already outside the door, where Erd stood waiting.
"Should we go find Auruo?" She said. "I bet he needs some help."
Erd didn't answer.
"Erd?"
A shock ran through her body.
The look on his face…
Familiar. Too familiar.
"Erd?!"
"You've made your peace, haven't you?"
"Wh-what are you talking about? Erd, snap out of it!"
"I'm glad… you're letting go. That's how it's supposed to be."
Oh no. Ohnononono-
"Erd, please-!"
"I just wanted to help you all." Erd looked up. "The squad. I wanted… to help you be happy. That's all I've ever wanted." A peaceful grin. "I think you're close to being able to leave. Auruo, too. I think I've helped you."
"Huh?"
"I'm sorry, Petra." Tears were falling from his eyes now, though he was beaming. "I'm sorry I have to leave you- but I think you can find your own way now."
"N-no-"
"Goodbye, Petra."
Erd crumbled like dust, dissipating into nothing.
Petra couldn't breathe. And then, once she could-
"ERD!"
Gasping, heaving breaths. She stumbled forward, out the door.
Oh God. Oh God. Please, no…
For the first time since the forest, she felt alone. Truly alone. A horrible panic blocked her throat, turning her screams into strangled calls-
"NO!"
Her knees were giving out- but she burst outside, wildly looking around. For Erd. He wasn't there, and he never would be again.
Why?
"ERD!" She wailed. "Don't leave me- alone-"
Alone…
Did Auruo leave, too?
The only one left. Had he, too…
"AURUO!"
Her throat was already raw. Petra forced herself forward. Her mind spun like a top, and she was dizzy, so dizzy-
The world blurred as her eyes filled with tears, as her cries ripped through her throat-
"AURUO, PLEASE! WHERE ARE YOU?!"
He's left you alone now, too. Everyone's left you. You're alone. You're alone. You're alone. You'll be alone forever here.
A frantic moan. The tremble of her hands.
"Au-ru-o…!"
Her teeth clenched furiously. Had to keep going. Had to find him.
Forcing herself to her feet was like lifting a mountain. Petra's knees knocked together.
A rush of adrenaline- and then she was running. Practically flying over the unkempt grass.
"HELP!"
No answer.
I can't do this. I can't. I can't- I can't do this anymore. They're all gone. Everyone's gone-
"AURUO-!"
She slammed into a cart, falling back. Pain exploded across her body. She teetered back, and it burned. It burned like fire.
The wild scream of one with nothing to lose, and she charged forward again-
Right into something.
Someone.
"Petra?"
Petra's eyes opened wide. Auruo looked down at her, confused.
"What are you doing?"
Petra broke down. She clutched his coat and slumped to the ground, sobbing.
"Petra!"
"Auruo…" She choked. "He's gone."
Auruo kneeled, taking her face in his hands. "Erd? Erd's gone?"
Another heartwrenching sob, and a shudder through her body. She crumpled, doubling over.
Grief shone in Auruo's eyes. He started to stand-
"No! Don't leave me, not you too-!"
"I'm not going to leave you. Petra, calm down-"
"I CAN'T!" Her hands dug into the grass. "How can I calm down? What have we got left?"
"Petra-"
"What have I got LEFT?!"
"You've got me!"
Silence.
Petra's head inched up. Incredulous.
"...what?"
Auruo gazed into the horizon, a somber look across his face.
"I said," He repeated softly- "You've got me."
"You…" The taste of salt on her lips. "You were the one who…?"
"Come on." Auruo took her wrist, pulling her to her feet. He tugged her gently on, leading her back into the base. "I have to show you something."
