A/N: Sometimes life does get in the way of writing. So many ideas...so little time. I hope you enjoy. Please review and share.
I've seen better days.
I have seen the look of happiness on other faces.
But my face looks cold and empty and lost.
I want to see the better days again
When I look at my reflection in the mirror.
pan-ic n: a sudden overpowering fear especially without reasonable cause.
I used to have a lot of panic attacks after the Nora attack. My heart raced so fast that I thought it would explode. I couldn't breathe. I would black out for a few minutes and I would finally come around and my dad would normally be talking to me. I have had a few since Kate and I have lived together. She panicked more than me the first time. She thought I was having a heart attack and called an ambulance. It was always something that triggered the attacks. Once I accidently bumped into a girl and she took her hands and shoved me away. I made it to the outside before collapsing. Normally, I am very aware that it is happening and I focus on my breathing. Today, I have no clue why I didn't feel it happening until too late. Evidently, the driver Taylor had to carry me to my room. I was completely out. I wake up in my bed and the room is dark. I suppose Kate is assured that I am going to live because she is not around. I look over to the bedside stand and there is a note from Kate.
Steele,
You scared me. I had Taylor bring you in and we put you to bed. I stayed with you a few hours but you woke and told me to get into my own bed. lol I guess you are feeling better. I am heading out and hope to be back before you leave in the morning.
-K
The second time I am in a man's arms I am out for the count. I am so embarrassed. I just can't win today. They are going to think that I am some kind of freak. I suppose I am to an extent. I am the original virgin freak for sure. Nothing is worse than listening to my roommate have great orgasmic sex while I am in the next room. To be loved or wanted the way her boyfriends have wanted her must be a gift. I am not jealous. I don't think I am. I just don't want to go out and give my v-card up to just any man. I know it is silly but I really want my first time to be special. I don't have to wait until marriage but maybe for the right guy. I have been reading a lot of fanfiction online and it really doesn't help the fact that I have no one around after reading one of the amazing stories. My daydreams will suffice for now. I would sometimes just like to be normal without all my baggage. I want to be beautiful and wanted. I really don't want to die a virgin.
The sun is coming up and I have been in bed with my mind going full blast all night. I am exhausted. My wrist is sore and my face is still tender. I have to make plans for my life until graduation. I can't depend on the generosity of Kate to live. I get up and call Mr. Clayton and explain the situation to him about my wrist. He is so nice to me. He tells me I will still have a job when my cast is removed. I think I am just going to take the rest of the week to focus on school and try to get my shit sorted. I will focus on finding a new job on Monday. I still have two papers to write and just a ton of reading to do. I get out my paper and make my list for the week.
1. Get focused.
2. Write a new resume.
3. Get a job.
4. Get a life.
5. Getlaid.
Ok, that will have to do for now. I can always add to the list. Maybe I should put down avoid the Grey brothers. They seem to bring me bad luck but I really don't know how I can forget about Christian. He is just the most beautiful man that I have ever seen. He was out of my league and the sooner I come back down to planet earth the better. Ok. Get Focused. I go grab my backpack from the living room and put all my books on my desk. What day is this? Thursday. Ok. I don't have a class until noon. I work on my paper for a bit and I jump into the shower. I wrap my wrist with a trash bag to keep it dry. I dress and pack up my books and get ready for class. I am actually surprised that my wrist doesn't hurt more. I guess those doctors know their stuff. I walk outside. Fuck me to tears! Wanda is still parked outside of Clayton's from last night. Kate's car is gone. This is not going to be my day. I walk the four blocks to the bus stop and hopefully I won't get to school too late. Something has really got to give with my luck.
Classes were actually good today. I have a girl from one of my classes drop me off at Clayton's to pick up Wanda. Luckily, Wanda starts up for me on the first try. I drive to the library where I spend the next several hours working on a paper. I pull out my checkbook and check my balance. $642.27. Fuck me. Luckily, I have food in the house and a full tank of gas. I guess riding the bus will be my new transportation. I can actually save a lot of gas money but I lose my freedom. A girl has got to do what a girl has got to do. I wish I was Kate sometimes. I wish I had the rich parents and everything was just paid for. I probably wouldn't know how to handle being rich anyway. My dad always said if you work for something you will appreciate it much more than if it were just given to you. I have to agree wholeheartedly. My phone vibrates. It is Kate.
Ana Where Are You?
I am at the library. I am working on some papers.
Guess who just stopped by to check on you?
The tooth fairy?
Guess again.
Henry Cavill. I need a Superman in my life now.
Nope. But he is as sexy as Henry Cavill but lots richer. Christian Grey.
Tell him thanks for helping me. I got it from here.
Huh? WTF. Are you kidding me?
No. I just want to be left alone. OK? TTYL. -A-
About the time I put my phone down a young guy sits down across from me. He smiles big. "Hi. How are you? People call me Jake, but you can call me tonight?" I just stare at "Jake" and look around. Is this some kind of really bad joke? I shake my head and start reading from my text book again. "Jake" starts talking again. Obviously, he just can't take the hint. "It's a good thing that I have my library card. Why? Because I am totally checking you out!" Ok. This is a punk'd moment. I look around again and everything is just normal. I shake my head and start packing my books up. I am not going to get anything accomplished here today. I stand up. I make my intentions very clear. "Jake" smiles at me and says, "Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world!" I glare at him and grab my bags. Out of all the things that I don't need now is another pretty boy using bad pick up lines on me.
I have had my fair share of bad pick up lines over the years. I guess some people think I am going to drop my pants and do the deed with just anyone. I don't roll that way. Men coming on to me make me feel very uncomfortable. I am a shy person and I really don't like that kind of attention. I walk around the corner and look back and "Jake" has moved to another table with another lonely female. I look at him. What if he were the one? What if that chance encounter with a freak was my opportunity to have a boyfriend, to have sex and to feel like I am loved? I look at "Jake" again. I guess I could always be a nun. No harm. No foul. I couldn't even make a sex dream out of "Jake" if I wanted to.
I drive home. The apartment is quiet. There is a note on the fridge. Gone out with Elliott. Will be back later. -K- Kate strikes again. Elliott Grey. I take my stuff to my room and go back to the kitchen to heat up some pizza. I won't be going out to eat anytime soon. I need to save as much as possible. I hear car doors slamming outside. I look out the window and there is Kate with Elliot and fucking Christian Grey. Fuck. I hurry and turn the lights off. I scribble a note on the back of her note. Gone out with my new friend Jake. Be back late. Ana. I grab the pizza and open beer and run into my room and dive into my closet and shut the door. I hope I don't have to stay in this fucking closet all night. I start eating my pizza and drinking my beer and I hear the front door shut and Kate walks back to my room. "She isn't here but her stuff is." Oh fuck. I forgot to hide my backpack. I hear Kate walking back down the hall and mumbling something. I hear men talking and the door shut again. Kate is laughing and Elliott is saying something. I hear her running to her room and he is obviously running after her saying, "You can't hide from me." He is laughing and I hear moaning. Oh, no. Kate's closet adjoins my closet and she obviously has her door open. I am going to be stuck in this closet listening to the sounds of Kate fucking Elliott. I don't think so. I kill my brew and a loud belch comes out of nowhere. Oops. The sound stops.
I hear Kate say something to Elliott and I hear footsteps in the hallway. My door opens and I don't breathe. "Nothing in here," Elliott says. I hear my door shut and I hear the alternating voices of Kate and Elliott as they make their way around the apartment. Finally, they go back to her bedroom. "It must be my imagination Elliott. You are just so brave and strong to check out my apartment for me. I feel so safe in your arms Elliott." I can't believe Kate is pouring it on this thick. I put the beer bottle into my clothes bin and throw the pizza crust in with it. I hear Kate moaning and I know it is now or never. I slowly open the closet door and take my phone out of my backpack. I tiptoe over to the window and slide it up. I slide up the screen. It is ground floor but this is still high up. I grab the window sill and put one leg out and then the next. It's now or never. I hear Kate's door open. I jump.
You watch the movies and see people jump into the bushes all the time. They get up and walk away. Well, not this girl. I jump and hit the top of the bushes and fall back and hit my head against the brick wall and fall straight behind the bushes onto my back. I have lost my breath. I am holding my ribs because I am hurting so bad. I hear Kate's voice. "Elliott! Somebody was in here. The window is open." I hear Elliott tell Kate to get back into her room while he puts his clothes on. Oh, shit. He is coming outside. I roll over and push myself up. I run to Wanda but the damn car is locked. Elliott will be out any second. I take off running down the street still trying to catch my breath. Finally, I make it to the corner and look back and there is Elliott standing under the window with my fucking cell phone. What the fuck! My head is busting, I look like a train wreck and holy fucking hell...the back of my head is bleeding. I walk down the street to the little deli I go to all the time so I can use their restroom. They are closed. I decide to just walk over to the park because they have a public bathroom and I can clean myself up before walking back. It's getting dark so I really need to hurry.
I love this park during the day but at night it is a little creepy. I rush into the bathroom and grab a paper towel and wet it. I clean my face which has mud on it and my hands. I press another clean papertowel to the backside of my head. It is so sore. I look like a victim of domestic violence. I have a black eye. I have a broken wrist. I have tangled hair and a busted head. My clothes are dirty and I have scrapes all over my hands and arms. I think I just want to go home and end this "date" with "Jake". I head out and start walking home. It is only five blocks from our apartment. Very nice and safe in the day but very scary at night. I start walking fast. I hear voices behind me...laughing and carrying on. I keep my head down and walk faster. My heart is beating so fast I know it is going to explode. The voices are getting closer. Are they following me? I lived in fear for a long time after Nora attacked me thinking she was going to get out and finish the job. My breathing is getting heavier and I am gasping for my breaths at this point. I am practically running and I hear the voices still behind me. I know they are following me now. I see my apartment building just up the street. I cut through the parking lot and I don't dare look back. I see the bushes that I was laying in not thirty minutes ago and I know I am almost safe. I sprint for the front door and I feel a hand on my shoulder. I freeze. I have no air left. I can't breath. They caught up to me. She got me. My adrenaline gives out and I drop. Once again darkness is my friend.
