She woke slowly, her body ached, a healthy familiar ache. The way she felt after a hard mission or a long work out. He was gone, his scent lingered and the bed was warm from his body still.

"EDI?"

"Yes Shepard?"

"Kaidan –"

"Is with Joker on the bridge."

"Okay, what's our status?"

"We are entering high geostationary orbit over Tuchanka now Commander."

"Good, I'll be on the bridge in ten."

Still half asleep she hit the armory first and shared a friendly nod with Vega and Cortez. Armored up and armed she returned to the bridge, her aching muscles easing into the familiar comforting distributed weight of her armor and equipment. The armor's onboard microprocessors assessing her physical state and streaming the data to Chakwas' main medical system and stabilizing her for optimum combat readiness. She reached the bridge and caught the tail end of a conversation between Kaidan and Joker.

"I don't care what our reasons were Kaidan and it doesn't matter now, it's done."

"It does matter Joker –"

"Major, with all due respect we have the leaders of the Krogan and Turian armies in the war room, we're doing our best to complete a galaxy saving Hail Mary play. I. Don't. Care."

She cleared her throat to avoid further eavesdropping.

"Huggable moment over Major, Commander on deck." Joker snapped stiffly.

"I need to talk to Wrex and Mordin, you boys going to play nice?" She asked. Kaidan and Joker nodded. She sighed and left to meet with her old friend.


They made progress, billions died or were enslaved, entire planets were glassed and populations converted to monstrous reaper soldiers but they did make progress.

But at such a cost.

Her nightmares changed. After the fall of Earth she had dreamed of the child she had failed to save. Raced through smoke blackened woods filled with oily shades of humanoids, deafened by sibilant whispers, Aratoht's residents, Ashley Williams, her family on Mindoir the faceless and nameless mercenaries and raiders she had slaughtered through her long bloody career. Saren's mocking voice, Sovereign's laugh...

Then Mordin died to free the Krogan and his voice joined theirs.


She woke with tears and sweat painting her face. Kaidan's arms around her. Until one night she woke to his groan of pain. He had tried to restrain her, her N7 training and battle reflexes had kicked in, heightened by panicked adrenaline, and she had half throttled him before he hit her with a biotic blast strong enough to break her grip and wake her up.

"Oh my gods Kaidan." She croaked and rushed to him. He held up a hand and she dragged him to his feet.

"This can't go on Kaidan." She gasped. He didn't argue, only pulled her close and held her. Their ragged breathing rates first matched one another then slowed in unison.

"We're going to win Shep. It's going to cost us but we're going to win. Thessia is the final piece we can do this."

"You can't stay with me anymore Kaidan, one of these nights I'm going to kill you –"

"Commander I'm also an N7 and a Spectre, not to mention a biotic." He said softly.

"I can't risk you Alenko, I need you in the final fight, if you're injured –"

He kissed her and gods she wanted to melt into it, wanted to hold him and feel him in her and forget for just another few seconds that they were on a slow march to painful pointless extinction. Instead she pulled away.

"I mean it. You can't stay here, you need to return to your quarters –"

He was doing something she couldn't quite see in the dim cabin light, but gods could she feel it. White lightning of pleasure shot through her body, he wrapped her in his arms and laid her on the bed, throbs of pleasure matching her pulse radiating through her though he'd removed his hand from her body. He knelt over her and looked into her shadowed face.

"I love you, if you'll sleep better alone, fine, I'll bring in a cot but I'm not leaving your side again." Then he did the unseen thing again and she decided to choose pleasure over duty for once.

Then Thessia fell.


Battered, furious, sweating and still bleeding, though her armor had her injuries well in hand, she marched up to the bridge. Alenko and Vega at her back with Garrus trying to get her to see reason and head to the med bay before plunging into the fray again.

What choice was there? Her armor's metabolic scans showed up on her HUD so she knew she was out of danger by the time their shuttle docked with the Normandy and knew she would be fighting fit by the time she reached Joker. She ignored her team and kept going. They had to roll with this punch and get up ready for the next swing.

Of course Joker opened his damn mouth again.

"So, Thessia, huh? I guess the Asari are wishing they had fewer dancers and more commandos right about now. Too soon?" Jeff asked wryly.

Shepard saw red for a moment and nearly tore his head off, "In case you haven't noticed, we just lost a few million people! This isn't the time!"

"You see this?" Jeff gestured sharply at an image displayed on his navigation screen. Distantly some part of Shepard wondered if he had broken any bones with the vicious gesture.

"Tiptree. Little colony out in the ass-end of nowhere. My dad lives there so does my sister. Reapers rolled in about two weeks ago. So you can assume that I'm generally aware that there's a war on, Commander!"

She felt sick, a half remembered conversation overheard in Huerta Memorial while checking on Kaidan crashed over her and she felt such a sudden sense of loss that her breathe caught in her throat. "So why the jokes?" She asked hoarsely rubbing the back of her neck with an armored glove.

"Because EDI says that according to your armor's metabolic scans, you're under more stress now than during the Skyllian Blitz. Like more than Elysium, where it was pretty much you versus ten thousand Batarians trying to kill you! And the last time I had a briefing with Anderson, he told me to take care of you. The guy leading the resistance - on EARTH! - is worried about you! And I'm supposed to help!"

She felt an acute sense of guilt tempered with shame and a surge of love and gratitude for her fearsome helmsman. Her 'Commander Shepard' shields slammed down then and she sighed and said, "I appreciate the thought, Joker. But I'm fine!"

Joker spun in his chair to face her, for a moment she thought he would rise. "The hell you are! You're like half-robot at this point... no offense, EDI... and it's my fault! When the Collectors blew up the first Normandy, you died because I wouldn't leave, because you had to come back for me!"

She wanted to kick herself, of course Joker felt like shit about that. He felt things deeply, maybe more so even than someone like Liara who had been socially naïve and an open book to the original Normandy crew. He probably blamed himself for her relationship troubles with Kaidan too. She took a deep breath and a page from Joker's manual of humanoid interaction.

"Couldn't leave the best pilot in the fleet behind, could I?"

"Yeah, well... I guess that would've looked bad on your report."

She managed to muster a semblance of a grin, "Come on. We've got work to do." She wondered if EDI could find out what had happened to Joker's family, realized she probably already had. She leaned against a bulkhead for a moment, trying not to lose herself in the omnipresent grief of the Reaper war. Taking a long breath she straightened and kept walking.

Garrus and Vega met her at the elevator and cheerfully insisted she take the time to stop by Chakwas med bay. "Hacket and Anderson will wait for your report Commander, if you keel over we're all screwed so make nice and let the nice doctor look at you... Ma'am." Vega said and added the honorific as an afterthought.

"The meathead is right Commander." Garrus agreed.

So she went willingly and thought long and hard along the way. There had to be a way out of this, they couldn't give up on locating the Catalyst yet, for one hiding the Crucible for a new cycle to find and hopefully jumpstart the next cycle's defense wasn't feasible. The Crucible was simply too massive and difficult to maneuver.

"We're going back to Horizon." Shepard said as Kaidan joined her in the medbay.

"Shep just…take five minutes okay? Have a meal, Joker already has the Normandy on course." He soothed.

All Shepard could see were the commandos dying like flies, the incredible pain in Joker's eyes as he snapped,Tiptree.

"Commander, I must insist that you remain still and try not to become agitated until my tests are complete." Chakwas said firmly.

"Doctor my metabolic scans –"

"Are not thorough enough. They are focused solely on your combat ability. I am determining if you are fit for command and how I can help you become so if you're not Commander. I'm no fool I don't intend to bench you. Now, be a good Marine and listen to your doctor." Chakwas said sternly.

"Miranda has traced her sister to Sanctuary on Horizon." Kaidan said trying to distract and calm Shepard.

"I know. Her father is mixed up with the Illusive Man." Shepard sighed. Vega arrived with a tray for Shepard and a glare.

"Lola you gotta eat, this is the best grub available so -"

"Lieutenant Vega is entirely correct Commander. You need to refuel and rehydrate, we have several hours before we reach Horizon, almost a full day. I am ordering you to get ten hours of rest I'll drug you if I must. Major, I trust you'll notify me if such is needed."

"Yes Ma'am." Kaidan said solemnly.

"Christ, I'm not an invalid!" Shepard shouted snatching up the chest piece for her armor and slamming it home. She felt her tension level drop slightly as the armor settled into place.