AN: all true- don't own anything
Alice skipped over to my desk and perched on the edge with her arms folded over her petite frame. "So who has earned the wrath of Bella?" she snickered with a wicked grin.
"Who else but Fuckward himself." I scoffed and explained the whole love stinks sabotage.
"This has gotta be good Bells, like ring the door bell junk punch good!" she squealed.
"I know. He may wear the pants but I'm going to show that motherfucker who bought'em!" I laugh.
We spent the rest of the afternoon thinking of thing we could do laughing inappropriately loud for work. At the end of the day I left with my brain full of ideas and couldn't help but get started.
I stopped into a cyber café on my drive home and sat down with a large coffee at one of the terminals and logged on to a website Alice suggested called buttluvers. When the web page loaded I turned red with embarrassment hoping no one was watching me and really curious as to how Alice had come across this site.
With specific instructions I pulled out my credit card and ordered the biggest fake cock on the site. It was lime green had four adjustable speeds and faux texture balls for that natural sensation. Shudder.
Phase 1 complete. I text Alice and she immediately replied. Muwa ha ha. God I love that silly bitch.
Dinner was over when I got home. This was becoming a really annoying routine. I changed my clothes and slammed around the house doing the dishes and cleaning the bathrooms while Edward played with the kids and got them ready for bed.
I hugged and kissed my boys and Jason asked if mommy and daddy are going to get a divorce like Chase's mom and dad. I hugged him harder and ignored the questions and simply said. "Mommy and Daddy love you and Nate no matter what." He smiled and nodded and fell back into his blankets which I pulled up around his shoulders and gave him another kiss.
Saddened by Jason's questions I went into Edwards office prepared for a knock down all out fucking fight. I marched over to where he sat at the computer and stood expectantly with my hands on my hips.
"What the fuck is your problem?" I growled.
"Not now Bella, I'm working."
I tried to get him to engage in my need for a petty screaming hissing fight but his kung fu was strong, he managed to ignore my bullshit so I huffed upstairs and slamming doors on my way and throwing his pillow and blanket into the hall. Another annoying new routine.
I pulled out my phone and called Rose. Damn voicemail. I called Alice. Damn voicemail. I need someone to just listen and agree with everything I said and tell me what a jerk off Edward was being. That he was throwing away ten years of marriage. How could he act like he didn't love me. When I pull the last tissue from the box I laughed this was quite the pity party I was throwing myself.
I decided to make myself feel better and crept downstairs to the kitchen where Edward had plugged his cell phone in earlier. A wicked grin spread across my face as I snatched it up and dashed into the front room and sat on the floor in front of the sofa just out of view.
I scrolled through his contacts before deciding to message Jasper. Alice would totally laugh when she saw this.
Hey man I just wanted to tell you you're special to me - E. I fought to control my giggles as I hit send and waited for a reply.
Thanks man -J.
I think you have a nice body too-E. This time I was gasping with semi silent laughs.
Dude are u drunk??-J
No-E
Well I got shit to do. Later-J
I dashed into the kitchen and put his phone back on the charger and skittered upstairs and managed to get into the bathroom before collapsing on the floor in a fit of laughter. I collected myself a little when my phone chirped.
"Hey Alice." I breathed.
"That was priceless!"
"I know right!" and we both laughed for a minute before hanging up.
The next afternoon at work my package arrived and I rushed over to Alice's desk. "Ok the thingy is here." I said looking around to make sure no one was watching.
"Awesome." She smiled. We went into the mailroom and asked this kid Seth to deliver the package to Edward. I was eight shades of red as Alice whipped out the lime green monstrosity loaded it with batteries and gave Seth instruction to turn it on high just before he went into the building and tape the top closed.
His eyes were huge as he took in the size of the dildo in Alice's tiny hands. I offered to pay him but he declined saying it was going to be too hilarious and he shoved the package under his arm and headed out with directions to Edward's office in his hand.
EPOV
(originally this was going to be all Bella but I asked my husband to help me with this since he went through it too.)
I was sitting in the conference room with Sam and Jake and we were going over the sales projections and server space and the cost of something Jake thought we needed. His girl Leah had just loaded and sold a site called 'Chicks on toilets' and we need to brainstorm and come up with more fetish type stuff because people like really freak fucking stuff.
As we were wrapping up my receptionist Jessica poked her head in and said I had a package. "Leave it in my office." I instructed. She shook her head and opened the door wider and said the currier said it had to be hand delivered to the recipient.
A dark haired boy pushed past her with a long brown box and walked right up to me.
"Edward Cullen?" I nodded and he set the box on the table and stood back. The box shimmied across the table top toward Jake. He jumped back from the table and sent his chair into the wall. I looked at the boy and he was smirking but making no moves to leave. "What the fuck is this?" I demanded and he shrugged his shoulders.
Sam reached out and tapped the box sending it sliding back to where I sat cocking an eyebrow at me daring me to open it. I lightly touched the sides and looked at it front all the angles before picking it up and studying it more closely. It shook in my hands the whole time.
"If this is a bomb you had better hope it kills me or I will kill you." I sneered at the kids as his eyes twinkled with mischief. I took a deep breath and turned the box long ways and pulled open the bottom. I saw a bright green blur drop from the box as Jake, Sam and I all leaned away. A hard thump sounded on the table. My jaw dropped in horror as the incredible hulks cock danced and vibrated around the table.
I looked up and saw the boy ducking out of the door and before I could catch him he was out the front door and on his way. I brushed past Jessica, Jake and Sam who were all still watching the big green dick and creased with laughter. I marched to the table and grabbed it, I couldn't figure out how to shut it of so I pulled the batteries out of it.
"What the fuck?" I asked Jake and Sam. Then I growled at Jess. "Go find something to do."
"Wasn't me." Jake shook his head and we both looked at Sam. That fucker was still laughing so hard he couldn't speak. He shook his head and waved his hands in front of him.
"Is that like the international sign for 'I didn't do it'?" I barked and he laughed harder which caused Jake to start again.
"Fuckers!" I grabbed the giant dick and stocked off to my office were I threw it in my bottom draw along with the batteries.
AN: after 3 round of marriage counseling my hubs and I think this stuff is funny so I got his help for Edwards POV. I wasn't feeling this story after the first chapter, this feels better.
