AN: This story is based solely on my personal experience and isn't backed up by any research, I do not pretend to have all the answers.

Chapter 4 :

Baby step :

Later that day after spending the rest of the afternoon making up, watching romantic movies and ordering dinner from Maura's favorite indian restaurant the atmosphere was finally more relaxed. After struggling for years to face her feelings and months to confide into Maura Jane felt finally relieved, free of all those lies that were eating her alive and she felt that she could finally be herself for the first time in her life. On the other hand Maura was also much more at peace knowing that Jane finally trusted enough to tell her the truth and to ask for help and after walking on eggs shells for months she had a feeling that they were finally walking on the right path.

"Well that was certainly better than I expected." Jane said standing in front of the sink feeling the warm water streaming down her hands.

"See I told you would like it. I knew you could handle something a little more spicy than usual."Maura replied standing behind her, her arms snaked around her.

"Alright, I'm going to say it only once, so don't make me repeat it and enjoy it : you're always right."Jane replied turning around wrapping her arms around her as well.

"I know…Well it's getting late, I think I should get going." As heart broken as she was to leave Jane after spending such a wonderful day with her and making terrific progress she knew that they both needed time by themselves to process everything and to breath.

"Or you could stay…"Jane offered giving her best pout.

"I appreciate the offer Jane but the last thing I want is to suffocate you and I think we could both use the time apart to process everything ."

"Oh alright if you don't wanna stay…"Pushing Maura aside as she walked towards her bedroom Jane wasn't even mad at her, how could she blame her for not wanting to share her bed?

"No Jane, wait. That's not what I meant." Maura muttered allowing Jane into her bedroom.

"I get it don't worry you need time to re consider our relationship."

"Would you just stop? I was thought you would need time on your own to think but as it seems I was wrong." Maura replied unbuttoning her shirt as she walked towards the bathroom.

"What's are you doing?"

"I'm taking my clothes off so I can shower, don't worry it won't take long, how about you change and lie down in bed?" Maura instructed slightly turning her head sending Jane the most seductive and confident look before stepping into the bathroom closing the door behind her.

Lying down in bed looking at the ceiling Jane couldn't help but thinking about that look she knew too well : Maura was in a frisky mood and as tempted as it sounded it scared her to death.

"Oh boy, that look on her face, I'm so in trouble …..She's probably showering fantasizing about what I'm going to do to her. How am I going to tell her that I would rather if we didn't have sex tonight?Actually how can I even refuse her anything, especially if she comes out of that bathroom still partially wet only wearing a towel wrapped around her?Oh Jane, why did you let her go into that bathroom?Come on stop panicking, up until now Maura has been nothing but understanding and she promised she would go at your pace. But this is Maura we're talking about, she has those urges that are barely manageable. Most of the time I feel terrible for not allowing her to reciprocate but she seems to enjoy herself, right?Why would she ask for more if she wasn't?Maybe she's just asking for more to help me build my self confidence hoping that I'll let her touch me at some point…Come on Jane you know too well she can't lie, she enjoys having sex with you at least for now but as patient and understanding as she is one day she won't be able to stay submissive like this. Oh boy what am I gonna do?She probably thinks that by finally acknowledging my problem I moved a step towards getting better. The truth is now that she knows, making love to her makes me even more nervous and I'm not sure I'm still capable of it even if we do it my own way."Jane said to herself looking up at the ceiling.

At the same time letting the hot water stream down her body Maura was faced to the same dilemma and for the first time didn't know how to behave with Jane.

"How am I suppose to behave?We obviously don't have intercourse every time we share the same bed so it's like it's mandatory but I feel that it would be a good way of showing her that her confessions didn't damage my feelings or the sexual attraction I have feel for her. On the other hand I agreed to take things slowly and knowing her she probably feels extremely vulnerable and wouldn't fell comfortable having sex right now. Here you have your answer Maura, you have to behave yourself and find the right compromise between showing her that nothing as changed and being pushy."

15 minutes later Maura turned off the water, grabbed a towel and wrapped it around herself. Standing in front of the mirror trying to take deeper breaths Maura was for the first time ever nervous to share her bed with Jane. She knew that Jane wasn't ready to have sex again but that she would anyway if she felt she wanted it. To avoid making Jane do something she wasn't ready for Maura grabbed an old tank top and a large yoga pants that were laying on a chair put them on and opened the door.

"Damn you look good in that."Jane said swallowing hard her eyes fixated on Maura as she stepped out of the bathroom and walked towards her bed.

"Thank you, it smells like you." Maura replied climbing in bed instinctively positioning herself against Jane, resting her head on her chest.

"Okay."Wrapping around Maura's shoulder feeling her arm across her belly Jane quickly understood that all her girlfriend wanted was to sleep in her arms, nothing more and was grateful.

"Good night Jane." Maura sighed closing her eyes.

"With you in my arms always." Jane replied kissing Maura's forehead .

The next morning the Jane woke up earlier than Maura as usual and watched her sleep for a little while. Laying on her side marveling at her beauty and on how peaceful she looked Jane started to wonder if she would ever get better. She remembered the previous night when Maura asked her what she wanted and replying that she wanted them to have a healthy reciprocative sexual relationship that was as fulfilling as their emotional bond. Jane knew that Maura would do everything in her power and everything she would ask her to help her but the problem was that Jane had no idea how she wanted Maura to help her. She knew what her ultimate goal was but was incapable of picturing the road towards it. Luckily for her she knew that Maura was resourceful and trusted her to guide her.

"Have you been watching me sleeping?"Maura mumbled her eyes still closed feeling Jane's breath on her face.

"Yes I have. How did you sleep?" Jane asked gently brushing Maura's mouth with her lips.

"Very well thank you but I'm starving, would it be too much to ask for you to prepare me some breakfast?I don't feel like getting up." Maura pouted.

"Two breakfasts in bed coming right up." Jane smiled kissing Maura's forehead before bouncing out of bed.

Walking towards the kitchen Jane was holding her back in pain. What Maura didn't know was that she spent hours at the gym the previous day working out, punching a heavy bag until she almost collapsed unable to stand up. After confessing the truth and throwing her out she had felt compelled to express her anger, pain and frustration physically and had probably pulled a muscle in the process.

15 minutes later Jane was back in her bedroom a tray full of food in her hand.

"That looks yummy."Maura said clapping her hands licking her lips in anticipation.

" It's only an omelet, it's not rocket science but I prepared it with love." Jane replied sitting on the edge of the bed.

The truth was Jane has never been a breakfast kind of person . Up until she met Maura she would just grab a cup of coffee on her way to work and eat donuts with the guys at the station. But ever since she met Maura they had started have breakfast together on regular basis making it their special moment of the day. When they started dating Maura even insisted that they take their time every day to sit and have breakfast together because they didn't know if they would be able to have lunch or even see each other during the day. What used to be something that was non existent in Jane's life had became her favorite part of the day, that moment they got to share with each other, in their bubble unaffected by all the misery and sadness of the exterior world.

"Well thank you. I notice your limp earlier, has your back been troubling you ?"

"Yeah, I went to the gym yesterday and I must have pulled a muscle or something, nothing to worry about alright?"Jane replied smiling unwilling to share more details with Maura, she didn't know that she worked out to the point of physical pain to punish herself for pushing her away.

"Alright, come on climb in bed and lie on your stomach." Maura replied putting the tray aside, inviting Jane to join her.

"Why?"Jane replied narrowing her eyebrows.

"Because I'm going to massage your back. Come on." Trying to pull Jane in bed Maura had no idea what she was doing, her heart and intention were pure but she still had to learn what was appropriate or not.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea Maura, really I…"Pulling her hand, taking a step back Jane literally froze, she couldn't talk or even breath, all she could do was picturing Maura's fingers on her and that scared her so much that she could barely stand up.

"I'm sorry Jane, I didn't mean to be inappropriate, my offer was perfectly innocent." Maura replied pulling the covers aside and slowly sitting on the edge of the bed. Seeing the terrified look on her Jane's face Maura quickly understood that her offer was inappropriate that even if she had acknowledge her fears and discomfort it didn't mean that they were gone.

"It's alright, let's forget about this. I'm going to jump in the shower, hot water should do it." Jane replied turning her back on her girlfriend.

"No wait….Let me help you I promise I won't cross any line."Maura said grabbing Jane's hand immediately regretting her gesture. She had promised Jane to do things her own way at her pace but she couldn't help but feeling uncomfortable pretending something never happened. She knew that denying her fears had made Jane miserable and she wasn't willing to look the other way now.

"I just…Geez what's wrong with me?I can't even let you give me a fucking back massage!"Jane groaned falling back on her bed. Sitting on the edge of her bed her head down rubbing her face with both hands Jane felt weak. She had hoped that her pride and her desire not to expose her weakness to Maura now that knew the truth would give her strength and keep her from pushing her away but it didn't.

" There is nothing wrong with you. You're perfect in your own way and I love you okay?"Maura whispered kissing Jane's shoulder, her left hand on her thigh.

"I know you love me, I just…"Jane sighed unable to find the words that would express how she felt without hurting Maura.

"It's alright Jane, we don't need to do this if you don't want to but could you please tell me something?"

"Yes…"

"When we make love I often wander my fingers on you from your shoulders down to your lower back and you seem to enjoy it, so how is it different from a massage?"Maura asked feeling Jane had calmed down and was more inclined to talk.

"It's different because you don't actually touch me, you just slightly stroke my skin with your finger tips . A massage is much more physical, you press your fingers on the skin, stimulating the flesh as deep as you. It's more intense."

"Are you scared of actually being aroused if I massage you and of not being able to handle it?"Hearing Jane explain her fear Maura started to understand that she was simply scared of the unknown, that because she was always so in control she was afraid to allow herself to feel she never experienced before and of not being able to handle it.

"I don't know, I mean you know how turned on I'm when we have sex and I'm able to handle it…"Jane replied shrugging her shoulders faced with her own contradictions.

"Yes but what arouses you when we make love is seeing me enjoying myself but this would be different because you would be excited because of me, of my hands on your skin, it would be a direct response to a physical stimulation not a visual one."

"You're right, it's completely different and I maybe I'm afraid of being turned because of you for the first time because it's unknown and I don't know how I might react or maybe I'm scared that your touch as sensual or sexual as it might be won't have any effect on me. I have been denying myself pleasure for so long that I don't know if I'm still capable of feeling any. God Maura what if my body is shut down for ever?"Jane let ou desperately hoping that she wasn't broken beyond damage.

"Oh Jane, your body isn't locked for ever, I promise it will get better but you need to trust me and let me try okay?"Maura replied clinching her teeth fighting the tears rushing to her eyes.

"I don't know Maura, I don't want to hurt your feelings ..."

"Oh Jane, you think I would feel offended if I didn't manage to aroused you by massaging you?"Maura smiled touched that Jane was still thinking about her feelings first before her own.

"Yeah, I mean massages between two people who are dating are never innocent, they're usually the first stage of foreplay."Jane replied slightly turning her head.

"Well not in this case. I truly want to help you feel better, no hidden agenda, I promise." Maura replied looking straight in Jane's eye knowing that she would be able to see how sincere and in love with her she was.

Looking in Maura's eyes Jane could see how much she adored her but also how desperate she was to help her. Most people who meet Maura for the first time judge her on her physical apparence, on the way she dresses and talks and assume that she's a cold, insensitive woman and the fact that she's a medical examiner only makes things worse. Luckily people how really knew her knew that Maura was the most empathic woman on earth who couldn't stand seeing the people she loved suffer and who would cut her fingers off to spare them. Looking at the desperation in Maura's eyes Jane knew how hurt her girlfriend was seeing her miserable and struggling and knew that pushing her away would only make things worse. She owed it to her to at least give it a try and to trust her not to cross the line of what she could handle.

Nodding in approval Jane sat there as Maura positioned herself behind her on the bed. Smiling at the immense proof of love Jane had just given her Maura slowly slid fingers under Jane's tank top gently stroking the lower back at first immediately feeling her shiver under her touch. Sitting on the edge of her bed tightening her fingers on her pajama's Jane's first instinct was to stand up and run but she knew that she needed to give this an honest try, for her and for Maura , that as willing and devoted as her girlfriend was she also needed to corporate if she wanted this to work.

Feeling no objection Maura placed both her hands of Jane's waist and started to massage her with her thumb slowly drawing circles.

"Oh right there."Jane grinned feeling Maura's left thumb pressing on the painful zone.

"Alright." Maura replied kissing the back of Jane's neck.

For the next thirty minutes Maura continued to massage Jane's lower back following her instructions. As eager as Maura was to move her hands higher and caress the rest of her back she knew that Jane would see it as a betrayal and she decided to stick to the zone that were troubling her.

At first Jane felt extremely uncomfortable but seeing that Maura was keeping her words and was limiting her touch to her lower back she started to relax and enjoy herself, feeling the pain slowly leave her body.

30 minutes later once she was satisfied that Jane wasn't in pain anymore Maura lowered her tank top, kissed her shoulder and pulled her in bed before snaking herself around her. Without saying a word the two women lied in bed for the rest of the morning holding each other.

Her arms around Jane Maura was proud of herself for convincing her to trust her and also of Jane for finally letting go of that control. Obviously she knew that Jane loved her so much that she was willing to do anything not to loose her and as much as she would have preferred that Jane did it for the right reasons Maura decided to settle with this one for now, hoping that Jane would take the next step willingly, not out of fear of loosing her.

Lying on her side Maura's arms around her Jane couldn't help but feeling proud of herself. For most people receiving a back massage was the most normal thing but for her it was a big deal. For the first time since they started dating Jane had allowed Maura to touch her and even it wasn't on any arousing zone she had a feeling that this was the first step towards finally overcoming her issues. All she was hoping was to continue to make progress and that she wouldn't screw things up and send them two steps back.

So guys, I know some of you might think that Jane made a big deal out of a simple massage. Well I hope that after reading 4 chapters and my author's notes you understand me enough to get my point.

This scene was 98% autobiographic including the dialogues and it was extremely painful for me to write. It's one thing to know you have issues but writing them down and putting them out there for people to read is another thing, it's like everything becomes more real and it hurts...

As always feedback is welcome...

PS : Thanks for all the reviews and PMs, you guys are so great, you give me the strength to continue this soul searching I started and to write about it...:)