Haaram Var's Unintentional Cock-Blocking Disrupts the Azerothean Economy


Nerem eyed his conversation partner leisurely as she did the same to him. "So," he asked suggestively, "Is that necklace new."

"yeah," Virin replied, "I saw it the other day; it felt so right for me. I had to get it."

"Well you made a good choice." Nerem leaned in closer to his coworker, "You always had deep eyes, you really did need something to bring out that bit of your beauty."

Virin leaned in closer to him, "Oh really?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah really." Nerem leaned even closer so now their faces were only a few inches apart.

Just then Haaram Var burst into the room, "Hey Nerem! You in here?" Var turned to find one of his students leaning over another, their bodies unusually close, "Oh, there you are!" he said. "Hey I need you to do me a favor and clean out the test tubes in room four. I don't know what kind of substance accumulated in them but it smells terrible, and I need it gone pronto!"

"Nerem narrowed his gaze and stared at his professor, "I'll get to that as soon as I can…sir."

"Ok, good." Var walked over to a nearby water cooler, grabbed a drink, and approached the couple. "So how are you doing?"

"Fine."

"Fine."

`"Good, good. Oh! Hey did you guys see that panhandler in the vault of lights earlier today. I swear I've never seen anyone stand that still before. I couldn't help myself I gave him some money. That guy earned it." He said emphatically.

"Mm-hmm…" said Nerem tersely, his gaze grew harsher.

A moment of silence past in which Var cheerily drank his water and the other two just kind of stood there, you know, trying to get him to take a hint.

"Say, is that a new necklace, Virin?"

"Yep."

"Well I like it, it really brings out the blue in your eyes."

"Thanks."

Several more seconds passed.

"Oh!" announced Var, "I remember why I came here! Hey Nerem you wouldn't have happened to see a letter written by me hanging around here, would you?"

"No, but I think is saw one in the lounge. Maybe you should check there."

"Nah, I swear it was in here last time I remember. Damn, guess I gotta find it."

Var proceeded to scavenge the shelves nearby, muttering to himself in an attempt to retrace his steps. Virin and Nerem shot quick glances at one another.

"Damn, I guess it really isn't here; I'll have to write a new one."

Nerem sighed in relief. Oh thank God. He thought. His relief was quickly washed away though as Haaram pulled out a chair and sat down at a nearby desk. He pulled out a piece of paper and a quill from the table and began to slowly right a letter, reading every word out loud as he wrote it down.

"Um…sir…why not write that in your office? It has a much nicer quill and paper set."

"Yeah good point, but don't worry this isn't going to take me very long. I can write it here." Var replied as he returned to writing his letter, "Almost…done…"

"Aw dammit, I ran out of ink." Var opened and closed the drawers to his desk on by one, meticulously searching for a spare ink well. He opened each one with care, looked inside, and announced whether or not he had successfully found spare ink.

Virin turned to Nerem, "I think I should get going…"

"O.k." replied Nerem, trying not to grind his teeth down to the gums. Virin's hand slid out of his own as his interest left the room, closing the door behind her. Nerem sighed, trying to control his frustration, "I should get going too…"

"Alright," replied Var, "Oh and thanks a ton for cleaning those test tubes. I know it's a crappy job and I really appreciate you doing it for all of us." Var turned around and faced his student, "I owe you one."

"…Great…thanks."


Later that day Nerem sat on a barstool of a local tavern, attempting to drown his frustration in ale. "Another round here!" he barked as the bartender walked past. He picked up his mug and sighed. Just then, he sensed someone sit down next to him.

"Hey Nerem, how's it going?"

"Hey Homrin…frustrating…It's going frustrating."

"How come?"

"Work…"

"Oh right, I hear that Var made you clean out some equipment earlier today; that had to have sucked."

"No…not that…"

Homrin looked confused, "What happened?"

Nerem sighed, "Well, you know how I've been trying to start something with Virin?"

"Are you kidding? We've been taking bets on how long it will be until you two get together."

"Yes, yes, I am aware…Well today she and I were talking. Everything was going well…and then Var barged in and just…wouldn't give us space…"

"Did you try and drop a hint?"

"Duh."

"Well why didn't it work?"

Nerem turned and glared at his co-worker.

"Oh…right…of course..." replied Homrin slowly. "Don't worry about it, man. The two of you will come together with time."

"I just don't understand how someone can be so…oblivioius!"

"I know how you feel. He wears on me sometimes."

"I mean my God! It like no matter what he is just immune to subtle…wait." Nerem paused, staring out into space.

"Wait what?"

Nerem scratched his chin thoughtfully, "I wonder…"

"Yes?"

"Do you remember when Kartral started flirting with that guy?"

"Yeah he was a scum bag. Her father nearly blew a gasket trying to keep them apart."

"What if…there were some way to ensure that two individual's would be unable to have a romantic relationship with each other…"

"I'm not sure I follow."

"Fool! Do you know how many people there are out there whose friends and loved ones are trying to court people that they don't like? That number is in the thousands, maybe even in the millions!"

"You're not suggesting…"

"What if we could provide a service for people in that situation? A service with guaranteed results?"

"My God, it's an untapped market…"

"We could make millions."

"True but…I don't know it sticks in my craw somehow. I got a feeling something bad will come of it."

"Only one way to find out for sure."

Homrin thought for a moment and then sighed, "I guess you're right."


Homrin and Nerem stood outside Haaram's door. "You ready?" asked Nerem.

Homrin sighed, "As I'll ever be…"

"Alright then, let's go."

"The two walked into Var's office.

"Hi boys, what can I help you with?"

"Hi professor," replied Nerem, "we were just wondering if you could help us with something…"

"Oh sure, what do you need?"

"Well, you see, it's kind of weird, you know my nephew, Drew?"

Oh yeah. He's a schmuck."

"…I'm sorry?"

"Yeah you know, a schmuck. He lights cigars with a zippo and only drink pulp free orange juice."

"…

…anyway he's really been kind of shy about it, but one thing he always wanted was to spend a little time with you."

"Really? How come?"

"Well you know…you're just so wise and…experienced…he looks up to you. He really admires you."

"Aw that's sweet!"

"Yeah, today's his birthday and so I wanted to give him a really great present. So I was wondering if you could come with us and just talk to the boy for a little bit…if you're not too busy; he'd really love it."

"Oh Nerem, of course I would! I'd love to help you out!" He got out from behind his desk, "Where is he?"

"Nerem smiled, "just follow us, sir."


The three walked the streets of the Exodar, the two students stood in front with the professor several feet behind. Homrin turned to his companion, "I didn't know you had a nephew."

"The family doesn't like to talk about him as much. He's got…issues…with his mother, my sister in law…unsurprisingly he has a tendency to pick up women…frequently…if you catch my drift."

"I see…"

The pair paused, "That's him right there." Nerem pointed to a rather unkempt looking man standing outside a tavern who seemed to be having a conversation with a somewhat suggestively dressed woman.

"So should I talk to him?" Haaram asked as he caught up to his students.

"Of course!"

The two students watched as their professor walked up to the young (couple?) and proceeded to engage the male in conversation. Homrin watched with incredulity. He had to admit, his professor's lack of situational awareness was commendable; the man he was talking to kept giving him death stares and the professor didn't even flinch.

After a few minutes of standing around nervously and shifting her gaze back and forth anxiously, the young woman decided to leave the situation. She gave a brief wave to her companion, and began to walk away. Nerem's nephew ground his teeth together and he curled his hand into a shaking fist. It was then that the two students decided to intervene, "Um, hey professor!" Nerem interjected while approaching him and grabbing him by the arm, "We just remembered that we forgot to write down results for an experiment we did a few hours ago, we all had better get back to the lab quick.

"Ah, excellent Idea!"


As the trio walked back to the lab, Nerem leaned next to Homrin, "This is amazing! This might actually work!"

"Indeed. I must say that I'm thoroughly surprised that he is this effective, but I can't help but think that this is wrong somehow…"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, isn't this manipulation?'

"Yeah, but look at him, all we're doing is asking him to talk to people, and he does that on his own will and accord. He's not doing anything he doesn't want to do."

"I guess…still what if he finds out? He might get angry."

Nerem stared harshly at his companion for a few seconds.

"Homrin, if the Horde invaded, burned down Haaram's house, and killed his wife, he wouldn't notice for a solid three months. You're a scientist dammit; try to think before you open your mouth like that."

"Right, I'm sorry."


Business was doing well for Homrin and Nerem. Clients were surprisingly easy to find for their service, and with the thousands of Azerotheans eager to have their loved ones' relationships manipulated, the money was rolling in. Noble families, angry parents, and sometimes even regular citizens from all corners of the Alliance wanted to use Var's services to help nip a relationship in the bud. Every time they set out for a new client they would tell Haaram some cover story; usually the excuse was a new aspiring researcher who wanted to meet with the professor or something of that kind. The fact that Haaram Var's lab had to travel occasionally for various magical conferences only made the process easier to justify.

Things were going pretty well for Homrin and Nerem, until Homrin found an anomaly on the evening stock reports. He had been reading the daily reports in a newspaper when something peculiar caught his eye. His heart rate accelerated as he ran off to find his business partner.

After arriving at his companion's house, Homrin wasted no time in detailing his observations…and their implications.


"What the hell do you mean 'bubble?'"

"I mean exactly that. Our business is causing an economic bubble."

"That's crazy. He's just one guy; as much as I think we're doing well I have to put my foot down here. We're not that popular."

Homrin drew some diagrams and graphs in a blank spot on the newspaper, "Indeed, if you factor in the economic impact from this service directly, the effects aren't that severe. However, the secondary and tertiary consequences are the problem."

"…I don't like what I'm hearing…"

"We've been disrupting the industry for marriage, dating, even the real estate economy just to name a few things. Apparently with less couples getting together there are less people buying houses."

"Oh no…"

"The nobles and aristocrats around the world are having to deal with new problems because of this new service. You know they use marriage as a political and economic tools as much as for romance; what do you think is happening now?"

"How bad is the situation?"

Homrin sighed, "Well you're right, if it were just our business we wouldn't be able to do that much damage…but we completely forgot about our competitors."

"We have…competition?"

"Well people have been trying…though we are truly unique. There doesn't seem to be anyone else out there quite like Var; anyone else who opens up a cock-blocking service like ours can't last for more than a few weeks. There just really doesn't seem to be anyone besides Haaram thick-headed enough to stand up to the extreme awkwardness of these kinds of situations."

"So what you're saying is…"

"We're a monopoly: a monopoly that is growing incredibly fast, and has extreme political and economic consequences…"

"We've created a monster…"

"Thankfully I have a plan. Our industry is so new that the economy hasn't even adjusted to handle it yet. If we were to just stop cold turkey now, things would probably just go back to normal."

"Yeah…we should do that," Nerem breathed, his brow sweating and his face pale.

"Where's Var anyway?"

"He's with a client right now. We should probably go get him."

"Yeah we'd better; It'd probably be a bad idea to let him out of our sight for now."

The two gathered there things and walked to the front door. Nerem placed his hand on the knob, "Let's just hope we can nip this in the bud," he sighed. He turned the knob and opened the door, and jumped back in surprise. In front of him were two large ogre bruisers, and front of them, a small, very well dressed goblin. "Evening gentlemen," the green man began, "I think you and I should have a talk…"


The two students sat at Nerem's kitchen table, nervously listening to the overly unctuous man lecture them. "So as you can see," he continued, "The cartel can't just have random people upsetting the delicate economic balance as such. It's just not fair for anyone. It only creates problems…problems that we have to take care of…"

Homrin gulped, "What do you mean…'take care of'?"

The goblin cracked a wide smile as he snapped his fingers. Instantly, his two bodyguards grabbed the students by the neck and held them aloft. The two draenei clutched at their throats, trying not to choke.

"We're going to need to know the location of your professor, boys. A power as great as this needs to be taken under the umbrella of professional businessmen,, and as such, my associates would greatly appreciate it if you allowed us custody of your employee. Also, for your own sakes, you should probably divulge that information pretty quick."

The two struggled and strained against the forces acting on their bodies, helpless as infants. When suddenly, an alarm sounded outside, piercing the quiet that usually filled the Exodar. The Ogres dropped their captives in surprise and, wasting now time, Homrin and Nerem quickly bolted out the door.

The two ran down the streets as fast as their feet would carry them, "Holy crap! What do we do now?" screamed Homrin.

"First things first, we gotta find Var before anything else happens. Come with me he should be right around this corner…Oh shit…"

The two stared at the massive armada in front of them. All manner of Horde military was assembled in their midst. Bat riders, wiverns, Ko'kron Elite, and hundreds of other fierce warriors all stood in a ring. In the center, Garrosh Hellscream towered, brandishing his axe at a handcuffed Haaram Var.

"So," bellowed the Warchief, "This is senile old man who had been pushing the Alliance economy to its limits." He approached the professor and eyed him warily, "I expected as much."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, and when did gorillas start talking?" Haaram replied.

Hellscream guffawed, "Oh I'm sure, like you don't know what your incessant lack of social skills was creating untold profits…and don't you dare call me a gorilla again you scum."

"Huh?"

Just then the two students ran into the circle, "Professor!" the two shouted simultaneously.

"Oh hi guys, can you help me I'm in a pickle. This Gorilla must have escaped from someone and now it…"

"I AM NOT A GORILLA YOU SWINE!"

"Right sorry, this gorilla's upset because I ruined his relationship with his girlfriend and…"

"IN THE NAME OF THE ALMIGHTY SPIRITS I DEMAND, AS WARCHIEF OF THE HORDE, THAT YOU CEASE FROM DISPUTING ME HONOR AND REFERRING TO ME AS AN ANIMAL THIS INSTANT OR SO HELP ME I WILL TEAR YOUR HEART OUT AND EAT IT MYSELF!"

Haaram stared at Garrosh for several seconds, as though attempting to focus on a difficult problem. "Holy shit," he began after a long pause, "A talking gorilla."

Garrosh yelled with a fearsome roar and raised his axe. He was poised to bring it down on the professor, when suddenly a piercing trumpet call rang through the air. Garrosh lowered his weapon and turned around; his eyes widened in shock at what he saw.

"Stand down, Orc. No one threatens a member of the Alliance, especially in his home town." King Wrynn stepped forward, flanked by Jaina Proudmoore and The prophet Valen.

Garrosh scoffed, "I am doing you a favor, human. This man is ruining your economy, and although that would usually delight me to no end, it is inevitable that something of this magnitude would inevitably begin effecting the Horde." He turned back to Var, "This man must be destroyed."

"Not on my watch!" retorted Wrynn heroically, "I swear we will never allow such gross incursion and injustice to our fair citizens."

Suddenly Var quipped in, "You'll never defeat us! So long as there is some good left in the world, the Alliance will never surrender. You'll never defeat our combined penis!"

There was a moment of silence as everyone stood around, not really knowing what to do.

"…So hand him over!" shouted Wrynn finally.

Garrosh grinned, "you want him? Come and get him!"

The king gave a fierce roar and charged into battle with Garrosh meeting him. The two fought savagely and relentlessly, their blades flying in a blur. The fight continued for several minutes, with no clear winner in sight.

Just then, a great geometric figure arose from behind. A blinding white light engulfed the area as a being of unimaginable power entered the scene. The two combatants fell to the ground, unable to continue their fight in the fierce, yet pure, light. The onlookers watched, countenances awestruck and eyes tearing at the beauty. The naaru O'ros descended onto the scene.

A reverberating sound filled the room. "Stop." It commanded, the power of its command nearly causing everyone in view to drop to their knees. "Such power…" the naaru approached Var, "Such incredible, unstoppable power…It is too great a burden for this world. Azeroth is not ready for a force so potent."

Everyone watched in awe as a small tendril of light slowly emerged from O'ros' body, and began to weave itself around Haaram's head. "I shall remove it."

The tendril reabsorbed into O'ros' body and the naaru began to float back to his original location, "It is done," he echoed throughout the hall, "Azeroth shall be burdened no more with such a great and powerful responsibility."


Life returned to normal fairly quickly a the lab. The Horde and the alliance were easily pacified that day by the presence of a being so pure, and of course with the problem of Var's cock-blocking gone, there was nothing to fight over (well, at the moment anyway). And, like before, Nerem found himself in a room alone with his love interest, having delightful conversation. "Has everyone ever told you how beautiful you are?" he cooed, leaning into his interest's face.

"Well…I could stand to hear it again…" she replied.

Just then Var entered the room. "Hi guys what's up!" he shouted cheerfully as he stood uncomfortably close to the couple. Normally, Nerem would be incredibly infuriated right now, but he new that this situation would soon work itself out.

Haaram Var attempted to engage the two in conversation, something about the weather or a recent experiment. When suddenly he stopped. He clutched his stomach with his hands. "Oh my…not again…" he muttered. "I'm sorry guys I don't know what happened but I gotta get to the restroom pronto!" Var hastily exited the room.

Nerem sighed contentedly and looked at his love. O'ros was truly a great being. The ancient wisdom and power of the naaru had saved Azeroth from an economic catastrophe of untold proportions, prevented a war in which hundreds, no, thousands would have surely been slain, and saved an already war torn planet from further devastation. Most of all though. he thought, staring into his loves endlessly deep eyes, He's removed the force that was stopping me from getting closer to happiness.