A/N: This part does contain a discussion of past self-harm; though not in any graphic detail.
Nick had apparently decided there had been enough talk about the fall of the Warbler's, and a change of subject was in order. "Blaine," he asked, "have you talked to Kurt?"
And if there was one thing Blaine really didn't feel like discussing, it was Kurt. He shook his head. "I'm…not ready yet. Things are weird enough between us right now anyway. I don't want to make him feel he needs to be there just because this happened. It wasn't that big a deal. And I don't know where I stand with him. We can't get confused by what happened, and then when things die down he will realize he doesn't really want me, and I can't handle that. So I'm avoiding talking to him. It's probably stupid." Blaine sighed.
Trent shrugged. "I don't know what to tell you. He's probably worried sick, but I'm sure he's heard from everyone else that you're okay. Physically, at least. You should do what feels right for you."
Jeff spoke up, quietly. "And you're wrong about one thing, Blaine. It was a big deal. Just because no one got hurt doesn't mean it wasn't something to be upset by. I can't imagine how scary it must have been in that room not knowing what was happening."
Blaine didn't like this conversation. He didn't like thinking about the choir room. The fear would start rising in his chest until his throat closed up if he thought too long about it. He started counting in his head by threes. Half distracted, he asked, "Where's Sebastian?" He just wanted the focus to be on something else.
Trent answered, "He's probably in his room. He wants to see you, but he wasn't sure if you wanted to see him. He didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable."
Blaine nodded. He figured it was probably something like that. "You can tell him he can come if he wants. I don't mind seeing him."
Trent pulled out his cell phone and tapped into it. A few moments later, a knock came at the door. Trent pulled it open.
"Why is the door locked?" Sebastian asked, entering behind Trent. He met Blaine's eyes and confusion turned to a sort of gentle understanding. "Yeah, got it. Never mind." He locked the door again behind him.
Blaine wondered what on earth Sebastian had read on his face that made him answer his own question with a single glance. He had thought he was keeping any stray emotions pretty well internalized.
Sebastian crossed over to the desk and placed a stack of papers down. "This week's Warbler's lessons," he explained. He turned his full attention to Blaine. "Glad you came, Anderson, Trent's been impossible to deal with since we heard. Now maybe he can stop acting like someone killed and ate his baby kitten."
Blaine found that visual highly disturbing.
Trent just glared at Sebastian. "I was worried! That's what people with a soul do when they hear there's been a school shooting!" Trent broke off and turned to Blaine, sheepish. "Sorry."
Blaine winced. And went back to counting. Sebastian didn't look impressed. Blaine decided maybe he should try to ward off the impending collision course they were headed for. He gestured towards the papers Sebastian had set down. "Lessons?" he inquired.
Nick snorted disdainfully. "You're not the only one who keeps getting asked about their feelings," he stated. "They hired someone to act as the Warbler's coach. She has a degree in psychology. Which I personally think she printed off the internet. She's very adamant on us expressing our emotions through song. The competitive year is over for us, but the school apparently decided this would be a good way to give us some additional 'help'." Nick made air quotations around the word 'help'."
"She keeps turning everything into an object lesson or something," Trent volunteered. "So far, she has come up with about six different 'themes' and then made us all come up with a song that meets the theme and sing it and explain how we thought it lended itself to whatever crazy point it is she's trying to make for the day."
"Sounds like Mr. Schue," Blaine murmured.
"Except, we have to be so careful what we choose," Jeff exclaimed. "It's making us all nuts. Too cheery, we're in denial. Too depressing, we might be suicidal. Too angry, better drug test them and make sure they aren't using again. It isn't helping! It's making things more and more stressful!"
"He isn't exaggerating," Sebastian confirmed. "Last week we had to find a song on "friendship." She was looking to build team spirit or something maybe? I have no idea. But I figured I'd do "You've Got a Friend In Me" from freaking Toy Story, right? Not much to find fault with there. So I did. And then she proceeded to psychoanalyze the song, and picked apart the lines 'Some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am, bigger and stronger too' and determined I was feeling guilty because of my past mistakes and felt everyone else was better than me and I would never be able to measure up and she assigned me more counseling sessions!" Sebastian looked deeply affronted. "Me! Hey, I know I've screwed up more than my share, but these idiots are just as screwed up as me! And my self esteem is just fine, thank you very much!"
"Probably too inflated, actually," Nick muttered under his breath. Blaine, close enough to hear, grinned slightly.
Jeff stared down and worried at the sleeves of his shirt. "She asked us to do a song about regret and redemption. So I chose "Leave Out All the Rest" by Linkin Park. I thought it was ultimately an uplifting song, you know? But she focused on the line of 'I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through' and decided I was trying to hide something." He shook his head. "She must have access to all our medical records. Because afterwards she pulled me aside and asked me if I was cutting again. I haven't done that since just after I got to Dalton! She wouldn't believe me when I said no. She made me go to the school physician and get checked out for…fresh marks." He glared at the room. "I hadn't done it again! I'm better at coping and Nick helps me when I need it! It was never a secret from any of you." He sighed. "But even after they found out I hadn't, she's still making me go twice a week and prove I haven't relapsed. Do you know how embarrassing that is?"
Blaine imagined that would be very embarrassing. And probably counterproductive. All it would do was keep the idea of relapsing at the front of Jeff's thoughts. Blaine knew Jeff had a history of self injury. But by the time Jeff had started Dalton he had been in therapy for a while and had already almost beaten the habit. Blaine could understand how the teachers could be concerned about a relapse with all the stress he was under, but he doubted they way they were handling it would be helpful. It wouldn't surprise him if it ended up being harmful, however.
Sebastian shrugged. He looked tired. "I think she genuinely thinks she's doing the right thing. That's the worst part. She's not trying to be hurtful, she's just…dumb. And we're all on a pretty short leash here. No one wants to hear how we think she's a quack. The counselors, the teacher who is leading the alcohol awareness classes, they are all fine. They're actually helpful. And I can't say we can't benefit from them. But this woman…all we need is a coach, not a crazy micromanaging conspiracy theorist jumping to conclusions.
Blaine felt for them. He knew what it was like to have everyone second guessing him and looking at him like he might break at any moment. "That really sucks, guys," he acknowledged. "I wish there was a way to fix it." There was so much at the moment Blaine wished could just be magically fixed.
Sebastian just shrugged again and pulled the stack from the desk and handed Blaine the sheets of paper. "Not much we can do now. We should probably come up with our songs for the next practice. Want to help us pick out songs that hopefully don't have too much she can jump to conclusions from?"
Blaine eyed the stack. "What's the theme?"
Sebastian just shook his head. "She's still trying to find the cracks, even when we aren't currently breaking." He handed Blaine one more paper, one word prominently displayed on top.
Blaine stared at it. "Hopelessness? Really? She wants you to sing about hopelessness?"
Nick waved at him from across the room. "Welcome to misery, Blaine. This is what we deal with every couple days."
Well, that was just great. Blaine could see this was going to go really, really well.
