Robot521, beneath that robot chassis of yours beats a real heart. It may be a slimey human heart pilfered through somewhat questionable means, but it's a heart nonetheless. You really made my day with your review. The thing I always loved about the Riddler was the fact that no matter how cool he could be at times, Ivy always managed to get a quick rise out of him. The rivalry between those two in the comics keeps me amused.


Monday, 2001

**Edward**

"Riddler!"

Edward turned at the sound, finding Batgirl swooping down onto the rooftop of the Gotham City Bank, their so-called 'neutral ground'. She smiled tentatively to him, still in the mindset that he posed a threat. It wasn't his favourite thing, helping out the Bat by working as a low level informant on some of his ex-colleagues, but Commissioner Gordon had been fairly persuasive when twisting the screw, so Edward became a reluctant relay man on the condition he only deal with Batgirl. She was the only one he really cared for out of the bunch.

He pocketed his hands in his trouser pockets, a habit he usually found low-brow, but found helpful in putting crime fighters at ease.

"You said it was urgent." She went on.

"No, I didn't." He pointed out. "I said it was important."

"In my line of work 'important' is usually 'urgent'."

Edward smiled, he found himself forcing it a little. "I understand the Bat's been battling Joker and Scarecrow a bit."

"Mostly the Joker, Crane's been playing the submissive in this caper. Mostly he's just been picking our heads with his psycho-analytical bullshit."

Carefully Edward withdrew the schematics Fries had given him. "You might find this interesting."

She took the papers carefully, blue eyes shining with curiosity. "What are they?"

"The Bat will be able to tell you better, I have no patience for explaining the 'how's' of something, merely the 'why's'."

Batgirl nodded. "Sure, but can you tell me where you got this?"

"No, I have to keep my sources secret." He replied.

The wind picked up then, whipping Batgirl's fiery hair around like bloody flames. "Was it Fries?"

Despite keeping his features stoic, Edward found this query interesting. Why would Batgirl's first suspect be Victor Fries? "I can't say." He insisted.

She nodded again. "Well, thanks. If this info's helpful, I'm sure Batman will be grateful." Taking a step towards him, Batgirl seemed to hesitate. "A-Are you okay, Riddler? You seem off tonight."

"Without a switch," he muttered.

Something slammed into him hard, then, coming from the sky above. Edward, winded on the ground, struggled to bounce back to his feet, knowing that being slow in Gotham usually resulted in a final rest in a silk lined box.

"I'll be needing those schematics, child." Scarecrow greeted Batgirl, who had taken a defensive stance of her own.

Edward, coughing, eyed the two before him. He wasn't important to either one it appeared. The burlaped one stood a good foot and half taller than Batgirl, even in her boots, and while she wore a good warrior face, neither one seemed better matched than the other when it came to combat, for Scarecrow had nasty tricks up his sleeve and Batgirl was a trained crime fighter.

Knowing the scourge of Gotham's underworld well, Edward glanced around for henchmen, but found none visible. He then looked for an exit.

"Why are these so important, Scarecrow?" Batgirl demanded calmly. "They're just papers."

"I once treated a man," Crane began almost wistfully. "He was a pica, liked to eat paper. Well, paper in small doses isn't harmful, hell in moderately large doses, it still wouldn't even upset the stomach. But he ate a whole phonebook in one sitting. The acidity of the paper ate away at the lining in his stomach, before eating away at the muscle and finally the tissue." Scarecrow chuckled. "You should have seen the autopsy. It was magnificent."

"Are you changing vocations from terrorist to storyteller, Scarecrow?" Batgirl demanded.

Edward pulled back further, slipping into the shadows of the rooftop. Batgirl could handle herself, he, however, didn't feel quite like entering back into the world of crime, either as a fighter or a criminal.

"Where you going, Eddie-boy?"

At the all too familiar craggy drawl, Edward froze.

From out of the shadows of a stairwell, the Joker emerged smiling like life was one big joke. Behind him his minions followed, there weren't as many as there could be, but there were enough.

"See, I don't mind you playing nice with the other kids, Eddie-boy." Joker said softly. "But when you stick your shovel in my sandbox, I get a little red hot under the collar."

Warily eyeing the minion approaching him with what looked like a jerry can, Edward swallowed thickly and took a step back, reaching into his breast pocket for one of the many knives he kept on his person. Gordon banned his cane's, so all Edward had to protect his person was a flimsy knife. But a man would have to be as mad as the Joker to wander around the streets of Gotham without anything close to a weapon concealed on their person.

"How long have we been friends, Eddie-boy?" Joker asked, his tone still frighteningly soft. When the Joker was seemingly docile, that meant he had already decided on the outcome of his actions. Such was madness.

"Five? Six years? Seven?"

Edward took another step back from the jerry can wielding minion, slashing at another who was trying to get on his right side, he caught the man across the cheek and he retreated, yelping like a wounded dog, holding his bloody face.

The Joker chuckled as Edward's knife welding arm was assaulted by three more minions.

"Possibly longer, possibly shorter."

"Jack," Edward began evenly, wincing at the pressure the minions were placing on his wrist. "We've never been friends. Don't delude yourself."

This may have been the wrong thing to say to anyone else, but to the Joker, it was a laugh and a half.

The man beamed maniacally at the Riddler, meanwhile one of his thick-necked thugs doused the man in the green three piece suit with the tangy smelling gas from the jerry can.

Edward spat out the gas that had dripped into his mouth and struggled through the sting in his eyes to make out the Joker's position. He took several steps back from the men assaulting him. "Look." he began. "Killing me won't stop anything once it's set in motion. Batgirl has probably already sent word to the Bat and his little boy and they'll be here. Your best bet is to just run, Jack." Through the misty veil of his sight, Edward saw a flash of light and knew the Joker was there before him, lighting a match.

"If you can't stand the heat, Eddie-boy, better get a new furnace." The madman laughed hard at his own joke.

Something zipped past Edward, hitting the water tower above him. There was a small bang, before water splashed down on the two men, dousing Edward yet again, but as the water rinsed the stinging gas out of his eyes, Edward found Batman was already on the scene, beating the Joker into a hesitant retreat.

Looking around for a good place to sit, Edward managed to haul himself over to an air vent and sat heavily on it, while around him a battle ensued. Reaching into his inner jacket pocket, he pulled out his emergency knock-out gas and gave a minion who fell too close to him a little spritz, before pulled his bowler off and shaking it dry.

Above him the water reservoir that Batman had blown a hole in, continued to rain down cold water on those involved in the struggle like rain from the heavens.

Spitting out more gas from his mouth, Edward continued to watch the fight before him. He really didn't care who won, as long as they both just left the area and him alone.

Squirming, he leaned to one side and reached down to pull the knife he usually kept in his back pocket, out and tucked it into his breast pocket.

"Rough night, Eddie?" A feminine form knelt at his side and he found Catwoman there, gazing up at him with amusement painted across her bared features. "You look a little shaken."

He spit out more gas. "I'm never making a deal with Gordon again, I can tell you that much right now."

Standing up, Selina eyed him for a moment, the battle still raging behind her. Glancing around, she leaned in. "Deal?" She whispered.

Edward scowled. "Don't ask."

"Why not?" She asked.

Pushing to his feet, Edward made a discontented sound in the back of his throat. "Because it was doomed to fail. I should go."

Catwoman followed him. "What happened?"

"Really?" He asked. "The Bat is engaging in an all out battle with the madman's Gwynplaine and you want to hold a nice conversation about my error in judgement? I was nearly immolated!"

"But you weren't."

Brushing himself off pointedly, Edward sniffed and forced himself to calm down. "I may be trying to behave myself, but I will goddamned ruin the Joker if he tries anything with me again."

"Eddie…" she tried to argue, but he was already fading into the shadows.


Monday, Now

"Get up!"

Opening his eyes, he found a pair of big violet eyes peering down at him, a curtain of dark hair shielding them from the world.

"Lina, you're sticking around this morning I see." He growled, throat dry from the night.

"I called your office and said you weren't coming in today." She said, climbing off him.

"Oh? And how do you expect me to pay rent this month if I don't go into work?" He asked.

"You'll be able to pay rent and still miss a day." She purred.

"What time is it?"

"Six, you'd better get up." She hopped onto the bed.

Rubbing his face with his hands, Edward sighed. "Oh God, you're a morning person."

"Not usually, but I've been up since four going through your stuff."

Carefully easing into a sitting position, he sniffed. "Find anything interesting?"

Holding up a pair of handcuffs, she smirked. "Well, I found these…"

"Those are from my Riddler days, dear." He pointed out, snatching them from her hand.


They were perched on the edge of his apartment building's rooftop, Edward munching on a piece of toast, Selina sipping a warm mug of coffee.

"Question: why am I freezing my ass off before the sun's even thought of rising?"

"Answer: because shut up." She replied.

Sighing, Edward took another bite of his dry toast, before crumbling the rest for the pigeons. "But why am I missing work for this?"

"Because we're going to do some normal things today like normal people, Ed."

Taking the mug from her, he took a sip to wash down the toast and pulled a face. He had forgotten she drank her coffee black in the mornings. "But we're not normal, Lina."

"That's what's going to make it fun. Pretending to be normal."

"You're going to make me wear blue jeans, aren't you?"

"At some point, yes."

"Can I take a nap when we're done being normal?'

"Yes."

"Alright, I'm in."


Their first stop as a normal couple was a greasy spoon diner for a proper breakfast. Edward sat on one side of the booth balancing sugar packets on a spoon that was balanced on the salt and pepper shakers, that was balanced on the syrup rack. He was grateful that Selina had been joking about the blue jeans, because he sat across from her in one of his favourite suits, quietly eyeing her as he attempted a balancing act to amuse himself. He always felt his three piece oxford was the one suit of his that made him feel even sexier, gave him more confidence.

She was wearing a knit sweater that was neither sexy nor ugly, but cute, which seemed odd on the infamous Catwoman, but she seemed happy in it and she still looked beautiful with her flowing black locks that twisted with large curls. Edward had never seen her look more lovely and she wasn't even trying.

What was it about her that had always intrigued him?

Her eyes? Sure they were large and sultry, they spoke of things she would never say, but it wasn't just her eyes.

He added another packet to the balancing act.

Her voice? Soft and flinty, powerful enough to command armies, but gentle enough to appease lovers. As seductive as it was, it wasn't just her voice.

Another packet.

Was it her smile? Or her laugh? Or the way her eyes lit up when she found something amusing? Or her scent or the way she could handle herself? Was it her long, toned legs or the curve of her waist? Was it that naughty little freckle that he adored so much? Or the scar that ran up the middle of her torso? Was it her sharp wit or her clever mind? The way she teased and tormented him for her own amusement? Was it her devotion to cats, pets, strays, old sick ones, young healthy kittens, any or all?

It wasn't just one thing, it had to be the entire package.

Here was a woman, strong and beautiful, who actually wanted to be around him - who could actually stand his quirks - sitting across the booth from him calmly eating blueberry pancakes with powdered sugar and whipped cream.

It occurred to him, just then as he added another packet to his tower, that he actually felt more for Selina Kyle than he first surmised.

When he came across her on Christmas robbing gifts from that couple, she was without any place to go. So was he. People tended to forget at Christmas that there are those who have no one to spend the holiday with, that for some it's not a season of togetherness, but just another day.

He could remember a small part of him being excited at perhaps having her come with him to spend the holiday, to get drunk off of scotch and fill their bellies full of crackers, to wake up and find someone there to whisper 'Merry Christmas' to. Selina was a fine conversationalist, she kept up with him most of the time and wasn't some vapid person with nothing to say.

Edward wouldn't have wanted to spend his time with anyone else, his excitement that Christmas had been over the fact that it was Selina Kyle.

Would he have been so accommodating for others? Had it been Jervis Tetch or anyone else, would he have invited them back to his apartment to spend Christmas?

No.

He wouldn't pretend he would be so kind as to extend the invitation to anyone other than the woman across the booth from him.

Suddenly, he realized that perhaps his feelings for Selina were actual feelings. They weren't just something he pretended to have for his own amusement or personal gain, but that he actually cared about her life and her person.

The balancing tower crumbled as he flinched and things scattered across the worn table top.

Across from him, she smiled softly. "Why are you so quiet, Eddie?"

"I'm merely impressed by how many pancakes you've consumed so far." He teased.

"It's all you can eat pancakes and I plan to get my fill." She replied. "Why? Are you worried I might get fat?"

"I may be new to having a woman in my life, Selina, but even I know well enough to steer clear of that subject."

With a grin, she pushed the empty plate away and stretched. "Okay, I'm done."


They were wandering the cold, late spring park under an awning of maples that stretched over their heads, barren of leaves and groaning in the wind. It may have been cold, but even Edward couldn't deny that it was beautiful.

Children were making snow forts out of the last of the snow, while the sun melted ice water drizzled from the eaves and turrets of the forts down into mini rivers that raged downhill and splayed over the path.

"What were you like as a teenager, Ed?" She asked.

He pondered this. "Hn, well…you know that smelly kid who sat in the back row?"

"Of course, all schools had that kid."

"I was the boy who sat next to him. Unremarkable. Overlooked for the stinky kid."

Jumping over a puddle, she smirked back at him. "If you had said you were the smelly kid I would have believed you too."

"No, I was okay smelling, I suppose." He replied, moving around the puddle. "I may have stared disturbingly at the girls in class, but they never noticed so I got away with it."

As though she did it everyday, Selina took his hand in hers and they continued on. "Oh, so you were the pervy kid."

"I wasn't pervy, I just appreciated the girls like any young heterosexual man would. I only did it better because no one paid me any attention."

Giving him a sly look, she pursed her lips. "Sounds like a pervert to me."

"Sounds like any teen boy, my dear."

"When did you lose your virginity?"

Distracted by the small hand he had just noticed was clasped in his, he frowned. "Hn?'

"Your virginity? When did you lose it?"

"Two nights ago."

"How sad that that was your first and last time, then." She teased.

"You're a very cruel woman with a very sharp tongue."

"Isn't that why you love me?"

As soon as she said it, both parties slowed their pace. There was an awkward veil of silence that fell over them, shielding them from the park as Selina realized the one word they had both been avoiding their entire lives had slipped out and Edward realized he now had to respond to it in some way.

But, he thought, she had said it. Freudian slips were a far cry from Tourettes, there was always a kernel of truth buried beneath them, if Freud was to be believed.

She began pulling her hand out of his grip, when he panicked and tightened his gloved hand around hers to keep it with him.

"I suppose," he began a little nervously, "that is one of the many reasons, yes."

Tentatively, he chanced a glance in her direction and found her eyes wide and panicked, staring back at him.

They both looked away quickly. They had been warriors of the Gotham underground, seen and done things that were perhaps a little unethical, but this was the one thing neither had really ever faced, not together and certainly not like this. It was something that could turn a hardened criminal into an awkward teenager.

It unnerved him, but at the same time Edward was a little elated.

Still after a few more minutes of awkward silence, he felt the need to break the tension.

"When is a toaster not a toaster?" He inquired.

She smirked wryly. "I don't know, Ed. When is a toaster not a toaster?"

"When it's a cat."

Selina Kyle frowned up at him. "I don't get it."

Pulling them into a stop, he beamed nervously down at her. "Oh…uh, it's a cat that comes and stays sometimes. I named him Toaster." It was then, standing in the puddle where he had pulled them to a stop, that he noticed she had nothing around her neck in the cold spring weather. He unwound his scarf from around his own neck and began to loosely pile it around hers as he went.

"That's a terrible name." She pointed out.

He adjusted the scarf. "I'm not really an experienced pet owner, my dear. It was the first name that came to mind."

Reaching up she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down so that she could press her lips to his.

It was strange, but that kiss was the first kiss Edward ever really felt. Even as they stood with their shoes filling with icy cold, muddy water, kissing in the middle of a crowded park, his long scarf still half wound around his own neck, it felt to him like the best kiss he'd ever receive.