Chapter Four

Another day and a half of tests at Bethesda, with dozens of people visiting him, including the SecNav herself as well as Director Vance, everyone who worked at the Agency (or at least that's how it felt), his sister, several gaming buddies, and even one of his professors from MIT, a retired Naval Intelligence officer from whom he'd learned a lot of cryptography and who now lived in Arlington, and Tim was dying to get home to some peace and quiet. McGarrett was in and out, staying nights in the foldout chair in Tim's room, being as unobtrusive as possible. Sarah had given him a flat look when he was introduced as Tim's "friend", arching an eyebrow in a way that told them both that she was not fooled. She and Tim shared a look, to which she shrugged and he smiled and that was that.

By the time McGee was out of the hospital, McGarrett had met personally with the Secretary of the Navy. She administered the proverbial slap on the wrist for his fast and loose methods in Hawaii, but privately thanked him for saving an important resource in Timothy McGee. He was surprised that he was allowed to remain a Reservist, but had it made clear to him that that would only be allowed if he cleaned up his act in Hawaii. He planned to start his mustering out paperwork as soon as he got home, not wanting to end up court martialed for his investigative methods with Five-0. Steve would rather have spent all his time with Tim, even just sitting next to him while he slept, or hanging out while people visited, but he knew that he was getting off easily.

McGarrett was the one to take Tim home from the hospital. Having called Hawaii, he had let his team know that he was okay, but had not told them when he would be coming back. He knew that he couldn't face leaving Tim again for a while. Part of him screamed at the thought of leaving Tim at all.

When they got inside, Steve encouraged Tim to sit down and he started looking through the kitchen. He cleared out all the spoiled food from the refrigerator and ran it down to the dumpster, then returned and started a list of supplies they needed.

"So, milk, bread, eggs, beer, apples, dinosaur O's cereal, coffee filters…" Steve read.

"Lube," Tim said, trying not to laugh. McGarrett frowned and gave him a hard look.

"You're still recovering," he protested.

"For as long as you're staying here, I expect some service," Tim said primly.

A laugh bubbled out of Steve and he looked surprised by the sound coming from his own mouth. "I get to service you?"

"Oh, I am all about reciprocation, Steve, but there will be servicing. So add lube to the list."

"Yes, sir!"

"Don't call me sir," Tim responded automatically. Steve cocked his head at the knee-jerk reaction, and Tim shrugged ruefully. "I have been working with Gibbs for too long."

Steve smiled. "Yeah, well, you got options. I know they care about you here, but… You got options."

Tim cleared his throat. He wasn't ready to even start to consider what that comment meant. "You want me to come with to get those supplies?"

"No, I'm good. You going to be okay while I run out?"

"Yeah, I think I can manage."

They successfully avoided further awkward exchanges for the rest of the afternoon. Ordering pizza for dinner, they agreed on ham and pineapple, and both thought fondly of the meal of leftovers they'd had at Steve's house. Steve cajoled and encouraged to him to eat until he was stuffed.

"You got too skinny in the time they had you," Steve protested.

"Well, I had a few extra pounds to lose. Especially compared to you. Look at you, you're still built like a god. And were you really in a tuxedo when you came to get me? I swear, I think you're James Bond in disguise."

"Maybe the Daniel Craig one," McGarrett replied.

"You're much more handsome than Daniel Craig."

"Huh, thank you," Steve chuckled. He found himself actually blushing and hid it behind a long drink of beer. They talked and bantered, finding an easy rhythm and keeping the topics light.

"You must love this book," Steve said. He had noticed a whole stack of the latest Gemcity novel. Tim shook his head.

"It's okay. It hasn't done as well as the others," he replied.

Steve frowned. "Huh?"

"That's me."

Steve's mind recognized the anagram with the revelation. "Damn. You said you were a writer, but this jacket says you're a best-selling author."

Tim just smiled. He kept his writing as private as he could.

Steve was surprised that he felt nervous when they went to bed that night. He hadn't expected Tim to be so openly interested in them resuming their sexual relationship, especially after he'd groped him on the plane, and he still had concerns about Tim's physical well-being. He had further concerns about his mental state and was glad he would be there for when the nightmares started.

They climbed into bed, and Tim turned out the light then they rolled to face one another.

"I don't think we should mess around tonight," Steve told him.

Tim nodded. He moved closer, though. "I'd just really like you to hold me."

Steve's eyes stung at that and he blinked quickly as he pulled Tim close, careful to be gentle enough not to cause him any pain. Tim raised his head for a kiss, which Steve was happy to give. But their physical closeness fired the intense sexual attraction they had, and Tim pushed harder on Steve's lips, spreading them so he could slide his tongue into the other man's mouth. Steve allowed the kiss to go on for a while but stopped Tim's hand as it slid across his chest toward his waist.

"We got time for that," he whispered. "Tonight, I'm just gonna hold you all night."

"That'll do," Tim said softly. He gave Steve another kiss, this one simple and sweet, then rested his head on his shoulder. He swallowed hard and decided it was time. "You don't have to say anything, Steve. I just need to tell you something, because it was the biggest regret I had when I thought I was going to die in that place." He took a deep breath and said the words that had been hammering in his mind every time he looked at Steve. "I love you."

Steve's breath whooshed out. "Jesus, Tim…" He murmured.

"It's okay. I don't expect you to say anything. I just needed to, and I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, but I'm not going to risk never having taken the chance to let you know."

The heartbeat under his ear had doubled its pace, and he could feel Steve's whole body shaking. He propped himself up on his elbow, ignoring the ache in his side as he did.

"Steve, I mean it. It's okay that you're not going to say anything. I won't keep saying it and make it weird. I just needed to tell you one time. Please, don't be upset with me."

"Upset with…?" Steve began. "I'm not upset, Tim, I'm… I'm not sure what I am, but I'm not upset with you. I promise, babe. I just…"

"Please, can we stop talking about it? Maybe I shouldn't have… But look, we're here, and I am so pleased you stayed with me. I want to sleep in your arms and know that I'm safe. Can we just do that?"

Steve nodded, unable to formulate any more words when he couldn't even identify to himself what he was feeling. Tim settled back down and tried to calm his whirling thoughts. He might have just ruined everything. Even their friendship. It was possible this was the last night he had with Steve, and though he wanted to make the most of it, Steve was right that he wasn't up for sex yet. So he lay there, and tried to breathe in the scent of the man he loved, to memorize that as well as the feeling of being in his arms. The warmth, the softness of his chest hair, the rushing sounds of his breath... Too soon, Tim's need for sleep dragged him under.

Steve laid awake for much longer. Tim's words rang in his head over and over again. Each time he heard them in his mind, an overwhelming swell of emotion filled him. Catherine was the only lover he'd ever said those words to when it wasn't a teenage crush, and he didn't know what to think since somehow, all those years with her paled in comparison to the few weeks he'd spent with Tim. They'd been easy, just hooking up when they were near each other, and even when she'd left the Navy and joined Five-0, their relationship had stayed casual. Had he loved her? Did he love Tim? If he did, how in hell could he leave and return to Five-0 and not see him every day and every night? Dammit, he never thought about this stuff! He tried to still his mind but those words… Imagining for just a moment what it would be like to say them back, to say everything that he'd felt since he arrived in Washington. 'I love you. I wasn't able to take a single full breath after you left. I want to come home to you every day for the rest of my life, to wake up next to you and to hold you all night. I want to make you safe and I want to enjoy how safe you make me feel. I trust you, Tim. Be mine, forever, because I'm already yours.'

God, how sappy! How ridiculous! And how true. He sighed and stroked the soft skin of Tim's back, mindful of the bruises. The welts had lost their ridges, but fury still battled with nausea when he saw how discolored his lover's pale skin remained. They had gotten word from Kort that the CIA had dismantled the rest of the group he'd had Tim hunting, and that the major players were all either incarcerated or dead, but until he saw proof, he still felt the driving need to find everyone who had lain a finger on Tim and hurt them. But more than anything, he needed to keep Tim safe. Listening to the other man's soft breathing soothed him and he finally fell asleep.

As he had on the plane, Tim slept soundly for hours, his damaged body claiming the rest it required to heal. When he woke in the darkness, though, panic surged inside him and he flailed violently.

"Whoa! Tim, it's me! It's Steve! You're safe!" Steve said, not even fully awake when he started reassuring Tim. He'd expected that the nightmares would come but he'd hoped Tim would have a night or two of peace first, even if it was just from exhaustion. He didn't try to restrain him, he just lightly rested his hands on Tim's heaving body.

"Dark! It's so dark!" Tim cried. Steve immediately reached for the lamp and flicked it on. With the soft light chasing away the terrifying memories, Tim's frantic gasping settled after a moment and he felt himself flush with shame. He couldn't even look at Steve.

Frowning at Tim's expression Steve touched his face and tried to get him to meet his eyes. "Tim… Babe, it's okay. You're gonna have nightmares, that's normal. That's why I'm staying, because I wanna be here for you."

"It wasn't a nightmare," Tim mumbled. "It's like I'm five years old, I'm afraid of the fucking dark." He flopped back against the pillow, still refusing to look at Steve. He hated having a man as tough as McGarrett witness his weakness.

Steve laid back down and pulled Tim back into his arms. He kissed the top of his head and stroked his fingers across his neck. "Danny's claustrophobic. My dad had a problem with needles. I have never thought less of them for it. I... I still have nightmares, more than five years later, about an op in Korea. I can't enjoy kinky bondage because of my history. There's shit that happens that you get over and shit that stays with you forever. It means you're alive, that you survived. There's no shame in that and you're not going to get any judgment from me about it."

Tim shifted so he could look at him. His years of working with Gibbs had given him plenty of experience deciphering enigmatic, hyper-masculine expressions, and no matter how he searched, he couldn't find anything but honest sadness, concern, and understanding. He nodded slowly and a twinkle sprang into being in Steve's color-shifting eyes.

"But a problem with the dark could be fun to try to overcome with lots of positive, endorphin-producing experiences. And I am happy to help with as much of that as you can stand," Steve declared. Tim laughed.

"Oh god, that sounds good," he said, sighing. He was so completely in love, and he hoped to make some wonderful memories before Steve left to go back to Hawaii. He refused to contemplate how empty his bed and home would feel after that.

Kissing Tim's forehead, Steve smiled and gently got Tim re-situated to sleep.

"Good," he said. "Now, just relax, babe. It's all good."

So they slept with the light on for the rest of the night. Steve found he liked it because every time he woke, he could watch Tim as he slumbered, his face relaxed and his breathing soothing, sending Steve pleasantly back to his own rest.

~~~NCIS/H50~~~

Midafternoon light brightened the living room as if the darkness that plagued Tim's memory was a hundred years away, and as he looked at Steve when he came in the door with clean sheets he'd just washed in the basement laundry, they both felt the pull toward each other, that sense of inevitability and yearning for the perfection of their bodies melding together. Steve set the laundry basket down and Tim rose from his seat on the couch and they met in the bright center of the room, wordlessly. Standing eye to eye, Tim's lack of footwear giving them equal height almost exactly, Steve's gaze questioned Tim's physical readiness for sex, and Tim's mouth quirked and he nodded fractionally. Tim was more than ready to aggravate his injuries in order to express his gratitude and love for Steve in a way that left no doubt in either of them of the truth of the bond they shared. He needed to prove to himself that saying 'I love you' the night before hadn't ruined everything. He had been relieved that he hadn't sensed any awkwardness after they got up that morning, but he needed a more tangible reassurance.

The stress lines around Steve's eyes were already smoothing, his body relaxing in anticipation of the experience. He'd thought a lot about Tim's injuries and had decided to try a position he'd never done before to minimize any possible hurt to him. He smiled crookedly and kissed Tim, recognizing that there was no urgency to finishing at all. They stood for long minutes sensuously exploring each other's responses. They rubbed their hard-ons together through Steve's jeans and Tim's sweatpants, and Steve gladly slid his hands under Tim's loose t-shirt, lightly caressing his skin. He slipped one hand between them and skidded it over Tim's nipple, enjoying the gasp Tim sounded against his mouth.

"Mmm, let's get this into the bedroom," Steve murmured. Tim nodded docilely and followed as the other man drew him in that direction by a gently held hand. At the foot of the bed, Tim started to take his shirt off and Steve stopped him. "Let me?"

Tim smiled and let himself be undressed. Steve skimmed his hands all over him as his skin was revealed, the touch light enough not to cause pain but firm enough to titillate. The diffuse light through the curtains let Steve see the rainbow of the fading bruises all over his lover's pale skin, and he had to pause to get his anger under control, looking away and clenching his fists until Tim finally touched his cheek tenderly to regain his attention.

"I survived," Tim said simply, reminding Steve of his comforting words in the dark of the previous night. Steve's stormy eyes locked with his and he felt himself laid open under the penetrating stare. The concern and worry and anger and relief all swirled together in the hazel blue depths, but finally the haunted look faded and Tim could see Steve return to the moment. The cocky, sometimes gruff SEAL had vanished and his fear of losing yet another loved one had risen up and crashed against his carefully built walls. Feeling humbled to be witness to Steve's vulnerability, Tim tilted his head and leaned in to kiss him lovingly. "I'm safe," he whispered, moving over to Steve's ear and breathing lightly into it. Steve shuddered and they moved in tandem onto the bed.

Resuming his mapping of Tim's body, adding tongue and lips, Steve reveled in the warmth of him and lost himself in the sensuous pleasure. Tim closed his eyes and let himself be worshipped by the man he loved. He was taken to another realm of sensation and delight with every touch and nip and lick and he barely registered the sound when Steve got into the nightstand for the lube and a condom. His eyes opened when Steve rolled the latex onto him, and then widened when he watched Steve reach back and pull a butt plug out of himself. Somehow, knowing that the powerfully masculine man had planned to take Tim's cock up his ass so far in advance as to buy the toy and put it in so he'd be ready was so monumentally fucking hot. Tim gasped and stared at Steve hungrily.

Smiling at the reaction he got, Steve slicked Tim's erection and moved over him.

Straddling Tim's hips, Steve looked down at him and realized the best thing about this position was being able to look at Tim through it all. The heightened coloring of his face had spread down his neck onto his chest, and his nipples were dark pink from all Steve's attention. But by far Steve's favorite thing was Tim's expression. Even in the glow of the afternoon light, Tim's pupils were blown so wide that he couldn't see but a thin ring of blue green around them, and the total trust and adoration in them made Steve's hands shake. His lips looked even fuller than normal from kissing and were parted as he breathed hard. He was gorgeous. He paused and stroked Tim's cheek tenderly, then reached back and arranged himself and Tim before slowly lowering onto him.

Steve had taken complete control of them both, and Tim had let him. Now, feeling Steve's body opening for him, the tight heat enveloping him, a long low whine worked its way out of his throat. He choked on a sob as Steve settled on him, fully engulfing his length and stilling to acclimate.

"Oh god, Steve..." He whimpered. His hands scrabbled at the muscular thighs, and Steve took them in his own, interlocking their fingers and holding him firmly. Smiling softly, Steve rose slightly then dropped back down, squeezing the perfect hardness inside him. "Aaahh!" Tim's voice rose, and Steve's smile turned mischievous. Groaning, knowing he was about to be subjected to Steve's edging kink, Tim tried to relax and ride the sensations like swells in the ocean.

"Yeah, that's it. Now you get it," Steve crooned, seeing how Tim gave in to his intent. God, when Tim gave himself over, he did it completely, and it made Steve want to bow down to him in gratitude. This was gonna be one hell of a ride. He started moving, rocking his hips so he was sliding his ass back and forth on Tim's cock. It felt amazing, and he watched Tim's face as his head lolled with the motion. When his eyes closed and his forehead wrinkled, Steve clenched and sped up for several strokes, then stopped moving. Tim bit his lip and shuddered, rolling through the tingling as he gasped. The sensations slowly subsided, and his breath came easier. He opened his eyes and met Steve's gaze. The man looked unbelievably happy, and Tim had to smile. As unpleasant as edging could be, knowing it gave Steve so much joy made it worthwhile. That, and the earth shattering orgasms it gave him.

Steve started moving again, arching and angling so Tim's cock rubbed his prostate. Every thrust sent delicious spikes of ecstasy through him.

"Tim... Oh, babe... This is so perfect. You're so perfect..." He moaned, his body shaking in pleasure. "Never been like this... Only you, Tim. Only you..." He sped up, feeling the aching in his gut as he kept nudging that spot over and over again. He watched Tim's face, too, alert for the tells that he was getting close. When he saw them, it took everything he had not to continue to both their completions. He froze, panting and gasping, vividly understanding Tim's description of edging as 'diabolical' for the first time. When the urge finally eased, he rose up and off, and Tim cried out in frantic denial.

"Shh, just getting more lube. I'm not gonna stop, I swear," Steve explained quickly. Tim nodded and relaxed. After he did what he needed to do so that they could hopefully edge once more before they finished, they gave twin groans as Steve resumed his position and slid back into place. "God, Tim... Feels so right..." He leaned down and kissed him, then slid his hands across Tim's chest, rubbing his nipples while he started a slow rhythm again. Tim shuddered and Steve felt his cock twitch inside him. He experimented with more nipple play, loving how much Tim responded; verbally, with gloriously twisted facial expressions, and with his member swelling and moving. He took his time on this one, riding right to the cusp and then stopping, moaning brokenly himself right along with Tim when he froze in place. Knowing this was the last time helped him keep control, as well as relishing Tim's agonized pleading.

"Steve! No! Please, god! Please!" Tim's voice was thick and loud and his hands had a grip on Steve's hips that he knew would leave marks. "I can't! Oh...please, love..."

The word shattered Steve. All his resolve, and all his restraint vanished in one syllable and his hips rocked and he squeezed Tim tight and he moved so Tim's hardness was grinding into that place inside and he threw back his head at the way it felt... He was being pulled apart, rended into pieces, and all he knew was Tim-Tim-Tim!

Pushed almost beyond any rational thought, Tim's mind still registered when Steve lost control. Wanting to push him over, to tear an orgasm out of the man, he grabbed Steve's cock and stroked him even as his own climax waited a hairsbreadth from triggering. Steve roared at the added stimulus and his body heaved as he came, shooting his first few spurts so far Tim lost track of them. Tim's own body finally released and he yelled at the clutching, spasming grip Steve's ass had on him. It seemed to go on and and on and he was lost in time; there was only Steve, only painfully intense pleasure, only the helplessly overwhelming love...

The light had changed. They laid together without speaking for a long time, and Tim finally stirred within the warm embrace.

"I can't believe you did that," he offered quietly.

"What, the plug?"

Tim nodded, his gut tightening at the memory. "That was the hottest thing I have ever seen."

Steve snorted. "Gotta get you out more. It was just a practical solution."

Tim looked at him. "Uh-huh. You didn't enjoy it at all."

Steve smiled crookedly. "Never said that. Y'know, I never really got into bottoming until you. It ain't half bad."

Tim couldn't contain himself. He started laughing hard. It only took a few chuckles until the pain forced him to silence, but his grin remained wide.

"What?" Steve spread his arms in what might have been a very convincing confused look if Tim hadn't known better.

"Ain't half bad? Really? You screamed my name. You did! More than once!"

"That...was not a scream. That was a, uh, a manly bellow."

Tim giggled and then gasped.

"Sorry, babe," Steve said, running his fingers in featherlight touches across his back. His defensive bravado vanished. "I admit it. Sex with you is awesome, no matter which way we do it. I just wanted to be ready and that position seemed the least likely to cause you pain. I still wanna nail you to the mattress again but I don't wanna hurt you."

Tim smiled. "Thank you for your consideration," he said, then his mind wandered back to his curiosity. "When did you get that plug, though?"

Steve chuckled at his fascination. "Yesterday when I went out for supplies. I got a couple different kinds of lube and a few other things, too."

Eyes widening, Tim leaned back to look at him. "Um...a cock ring?" Steve's grin was answer enough. "Oh, shit..."

"I've never edged someone with penetration like we just did, though, where I had to edge myself as well. That sorta...sucks. I kinda get it now, the way you cringe when you know I'm gonna do that. Do you want to have a safe word?"

"Seems to me I used a word that worked just fine," Tim said hesitantly. Steve froze and Tim instantly regretted saying anything.

"Yeah, I guess you did," Steve said softly. "Tim, I -"

"Don't. You don't have to... I'm sorry I..."

"Shh. Look, I don't have a problem with you saying it. I'm...humbled, actually, that you know yourself well enough to know what you're feeling. I'm... I'm just not so..."

"Trigger happy?" Tim suggested, distaining himself with his lip curling.

"Damnit, Tim, no! Don't do that. I care about you. I'm crazy about you, man, I just don't know myself like you know yourself. I don't have that..." He sighed. "Look, babe, I have only ever said it to one lover in my adult life, and we were together off and on for something like twelve years, and I said it over a goddamn sat phone while she was in hostile territory on the other side of the planet, about to do something that may have gotten her killed. You're the only person I think about before I fall asleep, you're who I wanna wake up with in the morning. So, look, I'm not gonna put up with you being down on yourself. When you wanna say it, say it. I love hearing it. I just don't want you to feel hurt when I don't say it back."

Tim had heard him rant at Danny when he was in Hawaii, but he had never been on the receiving end of one of Steve's verbal explosions. It amazed him that Steve was unaware that he was using a whole bunch of words to say the same thing Tim had. Warmth spread through his chest and he smiled at the agitated frown Steve wore.

"You came for me, and you were with me in my mind and heart the whole time I was gone. I know I'm not the first person you risked your life and career to rescue, but I know why you did it for me. You don't have to say the words; you live them."

Steve's eyes widened and he stared, speechless, at Tim, who kissed him and then rolled away, taking care of the condom and rising.

"How about we order Chinese for dinner?" Tim asked, ready to drop the heavy conversation and get back to enjoying being together.

"Sure, uh, sounds good. Someplace with no MSG, though."

Tim pulled his sweatpants back on over his boxers and snagged his t-shirt off of the floor. He paused at the doorway. "No problem. I'll let you clean up. I'm pretty sure you painted my wall," he snickered. He chuckled softly at the way Steve's eyes widened again and he twisted to seach for the splatter Tim was referring to. His ears reddened when he saw that he had indeed shot for distance and hit not only the wall, but the pillow right beside where Tim's face had rested. He shrugged mentally at that. He had planned to change the sheets anyway.

When he had cleaned up, Steve got dressed and they ordered dinner. Afterward, they tried to watch a movie on Tim's big tv in the bedroom, but Tim dozed off and it couldn't maintain Steve's interest, so he shut it off, which woke Tim.

"Hmm? Oh, hey, why'd you stop it?" He asked, his voice slurred.

"You fell asleep. S'okay. You need to take the rest so you can heal," Steve said, using the remote to power everything off.

"It's only 1930..."

Steve kissed his temple. "So? Go back to sleep. I'll be here."

"You don't have to stay in here. You could go for a run or something…" Tim's voice was cut off by a yawn.

"I don't want to leave you alone," Steve confessed. "Maybe I'll work out in the living room."

"Mmm. Sounds good," Tim replied, already drifting off again. With a final kiss to the top of Tim's head, Steve crawled out of bed, left the lamp on, and went to the other room. He stripped down to his jeans and stretched a bit before he started doing push-ups, then sit-ups, then star jumps while being careful to land lightly to not disturb the neighbors below. He ran through the kata he knew that he could do in the tiny space and then kept going with different kinds of push-ups, rapid crunches, and all manner of calisthenics.

Tim's subconscious must have recognized what Steve would look like out in the living room. He woke with a raging hard on, and listened to the soft sounds of exertion coming through the door for a few minutes before he couldn't stand it anymore and he went to see. He felt starstruck as he leaned in the doorway watching Steve's muscles bunch and smooth with beads of sweat tracking across them. When he started doing circular push-ups, the movement was so sexual that Tim groaned, and Steve paused to look at him. With a cheeky grin, he continued his set, exaggerating the movement while keeping his eyes locked on Tim's. He lost the smirk when Tim pushed his boxers down and he started stroking his cock. He lost all track of what he was doing and froze, arms extended, body balanced between his palms and his toes.

"Tim..." Steve groaned. His lover looked incredible, slowly working his hand up and down his length.

"Take your jeans off. Then keep going for me," Tim ordered quietly. Steve pushed to his feet and unfastened his pants, dropping them and kicking them off his feet to one side, his eyes never leaving Tim's. Both their expressions were serious as they stood and stared at each other. Tim nodded toward the floor, and Steve narrowed his eyes, then dropped and continued his push-ups. He kept glancing at Tim, whose arousal rose and rose. Cheeks red, moist lips open, panting as if he was the one working out, Tim leaned against the doorframe as he stroked faster, building momentum. Steve rolled over and started rapid bicycle crunches, his ass pointed right at Tim, legs spread so Tim could see how hard he was through his briefs, his eyes smoldering. When he could see Tim was getting close, he stopped and rolled to his feet. Kissing him hard, Steve pushed Tim back into the bedroom and onto the bed.

"Sixty-nine?" Steve asked, breathless. Tim moaned and Steve took that for affirmative. He stripped his underwear off and climbed on top of Tim, wasting no time and swallowing as much of the hard curved cock as he could. Tim breathed deeply of the musk of Steve's sweaty groin, shuddering in pleasure from the blow job and the scent. He raised his head so he could mouth Steve's balls and screwed his eyes shut with the salty taste combining with his sense of smell into a total experience of Steve... He nearly lost himself in the moment, but Steve's hips twitched and he snapped back to what he knew Steve wanted, needed. He pulled the thick erection into his mouth, hollowing his cheeks so it slid in with the suction while he caressed it with his tongue.

"Mmmph!" Steve shouted around his mouthful. They both worked earnestly, tonguing and sucking, their hips stuttering and small whines and garbled curses filling the air. Tim came first, grunting with Steve's cock hitting the back of his throat. As he rode it out, he undulated his tongue, swallowing, his orgasm the distraction he needed to deep throat for the first time. Steve's body tensed and he gave two brief thrusts before the incredible sensation overwhelmed him completely and he shot pulse after pulse down Tim's throat with his body locked up in a rictus of ecstasy. He froze there for a few more seconds, until Tim tapped his hip, unable to breathe. Steve slowly pushed his body up and then flopped to the side. Tim gulped in air, smiling and feeling very pleased with himself. He'd tried to get over his gag reflex, but hadn't been able to until now. He loved that it was with Steve that he'd achieved his goal.

Propping up on his elbow, Steve tilted his head at the utter self-satisfaction on Tim's face.

"I've never been able to do that before," Tim explained. "Always wanted to."

Steve laughed and turned so they were facing the same way. He kissed Tim and smiled along with him. "Well, I certainly enjoyed it. Thanks, babe."

Tim sighed happily and let his eyes wander over his lover's face. Steve looked relaxed, sated, and as content as Tim had ever seen him. The openness with which he was watching Tim in return made Tim's breath catch. He couldn't help but think that he was really good for Steve. It was such a shame he lived so far away.

Steve saw Tim's expression turn wistful and he knew exactly what was going through his mind. How, how could they figure a way to be together? Steve found he wanted it more than he could remember wanting anything.

After that, nearly every time Steve worked out inside the apartment, they ended up having sex. It seemed like Tim's subconscious had an extra sense that knew, even if he was asleep or in the shower, that Steve was getting sweaty and even more gorgeous than usual. He'd end up watching, sometimes touching himself, sometimes not, until neither of them could stand it anymore. Tim found his home seeing more action than it ever had as they christened nearly every surface in the place.

~~~NCIS/H50~~~

Tim's psychological evaluation began three days after they returned from Turkey. He was pleased that he got to work with Dr Cranston rather than someone he didn't know, and he was able to be honest with her about what he was experiencing in terms of reaction to being kidnapped and tortured. He opened up about his relationship with Steve since it was directly affecting his recovery; in a positive way, but the doctor cautioned against having another person be too key in his recovery.

"He helps me see things differently. He's been through it, and he... He makes me see what's possible."

"Like what?"

"That it's possible to go on, to live and help people and love... I may not ever be exactly the same again, but I survived."

"Tim, you've been through something that no one should have to go through. But you seem more open and comfortable with yourself than I've ever seen you. How do you explain that?"

He smiled. "It won't make you happy to hear me say it's Steve, will it?"

"Is that the truth?"

"In part."

Rachel raised her eyebrows and waited.

"I've...found myself. It's only been in the last six months or so, but I just finally feel like somehow, I'm okay just as I am."

"Your father passed away last year."

"Yes. And I regret that I didn't get to be honest with him before he died. But I guess I'm also kind of...relieved. That sounds awful, but he's always been so critical, so disappointed in me, that knowing he's not going to make me feel like I'm nine again and I dropped the pop fly in my baseball game is freeing. I'm bisexual. I never told him that, and I kept it quiet. He's gone, though, and spending time with Steve has shown me how good a male relationship is for me. How good Steve is for me."

"Commander McGarrett lives in Hawaii, right?"

Tim's animated, happy expression drooped. "Yeah. Yeah, he does."

"And you just got out of a long distance relationship."

"I know. I've been trying not to think about it."

"Just because you don't think about it doesn't make it go away."

"Yeah. I...we...have a lot to discuss."

"I'd like to see you a couple more times, Tim. I think your reaction to what happened is being overshadowed by your relationship, and I want to make sure that you really are facing and dealing with your situation before I release you to return to work."

Tim sighed. "I thought you said I'm healthier than ever?"

"You're very smart, Tim. I won't be pushed into letting you back to work too soon. And I have assurances from Director Vance that even Gibbs will not reinstate you until I turn in my evaluation. No end run around this time."

So he kept the journal that she assigned him, and tried to be more aware of his own reactions, independent from Steve. He also tried to find a good moment to bring up Steve leaving and what that would mean for their relationship, but it never felt right. In his journal, he was honest that he feared the discussion would prematurely end their time together. Dr. Cranston finally insisted that Steve accompany him to one of his appointments. Steve agreed, warily.

They settled in, with Steve sitting uncomfortably, his eyes darting to Tim then back to Dr. Cranston. Introductions, pleasantries, and a general discussion about the purpose of the visit barely broke the ice, then Rachel dove in.

"Tim, have you discussed anything with Steve yet?" She asked.

"Um, I never found the right time," Tim confessed. Steve tensed further.

"How about now?" Dr. Cranston nodded toward Steve and looked at Tim expectantly.

Nerves made Tim's voice higher in pitch, but he obediently turned to Steve and met his wary gaze. "I… I want, um..." He trailed off, never having truly started.

"Have you told him about Delilah?"

Tim shook his head, then sighed in resignation. "She's my ex-girlfriend. We met in Washington and got together, but she had an opportunity with her job and moved to Dubai. We tried to keep things going for almost a year, but it didn't work out."

"So?" Steve said. "What does that have to do with me?" Defensively, he knew he sounded belligerent but couldn't help it.

Tim glanced between the doctor and Steve, then stammered as he tried to explain. "The, uh, the long distance – trying, uh, that wasn't the only… We…I-"

"I still don't know what that has to do with me. Why am I here exactly?"

"Well, I just, what do you want from… Us?"

Steve stared. His eyes flicked to Dr. Cranston, and then back to Tim. There was an expectancy in the air that felt like a wet blanket suffocating him. "Is this couples therapy or something?" He spoke aggressively, and Tim flinched.

"Steve, Tim asked you a question. A perfectly reasonable one. Don't you think he deserves an answer?" Rachel said evenly.

"I saved your life. What more do you want from me?" Steve snapped. Tim stared in horror as all the walls that Steve had dropped over the week and a half that he'd been staying with him slammed back into place. He was stunned speechless and no matter how Rachel tried to get them talking again, they both remained mute. When their session ended, Tim couldn't even hear what she said as she released them. All he could do was note that Steve wouldn't even look at him and worry that he'd just lost everything.

The car ride back to the apartment was made in continued stony silence. Tim sadly began to plan what he needed to say to Steve to let him know that it was okay that Steve didn't want a commitment. He just hoped that he'd have a chance to kiss him one last time before he left.

Steve had shut down totally. Being railroaded and browbeaten was unacceptable, and he refused to even think about the possible reasons why Tim had taken him into that situation. They went up into Tim's home, and Steve went straight to the bedroom to change. He needed to work out, and a long run would help burn off some of the sizzling anger in his gut.

Tim stared after him and waited in the living room for Steve to return with his gear packed for travel. He had sentences prepared, realizing that he might only have the moments it took for the other man to walk to the door. A calm resignation settled over him. He'd burned his bridge with Gibbs, and now he was losing Steve. A long, lonely life seemed to stretch before him, and he distantly wondered if he would be able to face it or if he would crack.

When Steve emerged in sweats and a t-shirt, it was so unexpected that Tim could barely register it.

"What are you doing?" Tim blurted.

"Going for a run," Steve said. He moved toward the door.

"Wait!"

"I've just gotta - "

Tim rushed over to him, moving to block him from the door. "You're not leaving?"

Steve's frown deepened into a scowl. "You want me to?"

"No! No, I just thought…"

"I probably should, but...you still need me."

"Don't stay out of obligation," Tim snapped.

"Goddamnit Tim, I wouldn't do that. You just gotta… Let me go for a run. We'll talk when I get back," Steve said, shaking his head. Tim stepped aside, his eyes large and sorrowful.

By the time Steve came back, hours later, Tim had run the entire emotional spectrum of negative emotions. He felt completely drained, and he barely looked up as the door opened.

Steve showered and came back out to stand before where Tim sat on the sofa in the living room. He felt contrite, knowing that he had overreacted to the therapy session. He wanted to make it right with him but didn't know how to start. So he waited and felt worse and worse as he noticed Tim's red rimmed eyes and shaking hands. He dropped to his knees in front of him.

"Baby, I'm sorry. I overreacted. You wanna talk, let's talk. Just us."

Tim felt his hopes rise a little. Maybe he could salvage a little more time with Steve. He just had to play it a little cooler, not be quite so needy. If he could just get them through this, he could build some more memories to see him through after Steve left.

"No, I shouldn't have dragged you there. You want some dinner? We could order in. I bet you like Indian food," Tim said, his voice gaining strength from the near whisper it started as. Steve frowned, unsure about the 180 Tim appeared to have done.

"I love Indian… But, Tim, if you want to talk…"

Tim stood and tugged Steve to his feet as well. He plastered on a smile and gave Steve a quick peck on the lips before he moved around him and grabbed his phone. He hit speed dial for his favorite Indian restaurant and ordered several different entrées off the menu. When he set his phone back down, he turned to Steve with a slightly more genuine smile. 'Fake it until you make it', he thought to himself.

Steve dropped it. If Tim wasn't going to pursue it, he wasn't going to poke the bear. They had a delicious dinner and watched a movie in the bedroom. Steve held Tim close as they watched and neither of them followed it very well, but when the credits rolled, and Tim turned over and raised his face toward Steve, they both felt a desperate need as they started kissing. Very quickly they were naked and groping one another.

"I want you to fuck me," Tim growled into Steve's ear. Due to Tim's injuries, they had been very careful about how they'd had sex, with Tim exclusively topping. But now, he needed that to be different. He needed Steve to take over, to have him and possess him.

"What?" Steve said. "I thought you didn't fuck."

"Semantics," Tim said dismissively. "You gonna do it or not?"

Steve was disturbed by the change in Tim, but not enough to stop. They continued making out, until Tim was gasping and begging Steve to get on with it. In no mood to play with his kink, Steve prepared Tim and then pushed his legs up and moved into him. He stared down at his lover's face and blinked when he saw Tim's eyes fill with tears. This felt completely different from the ecstatic weeping Tim had done in the past, and Steve was suddenly concerned. He froze.

"You okay?" Steve asked.

Tim felt like his heart was slowly being torn to pieces. He tried to just let himself get into the moment and enjoy his talented partner, but he couldn't stop thinking that Steve would soon be gone. He nodded, not wanting to ruin one of their last chances to be together. Steve hesitated, and Tim pulled him down and kissed him breathless while he rhythmically began clenching around the cock inside him. Steve groaned into his mouth and his hips stuttered back into motion in response to the fantastic feeling Tim was creating.

"Oh, fuck, Tim," Steve gasped. "Shit. You-you sure you're okay?"

Tim nodded frantically and met his thrusts, trying to draw him in more, wanting every millimeter he could get. "Yes. Yes, Steve, give it to me! God, yes!"

There coupling was shadowed by all the things they hadn't said to each other, and when Tim screamed in his completion, it was followed by wracking sobs. Steve spilled inside him, then gathered him close and rocked him, wanting to fix whatever it was that he'd broken, but having no clue how. Tim fell into an emotionally exhausted sleep and Steve cleaned up, then held him, feeling helpless and hating it.

The next morning, Tim woke before Steve and went out to start the coffee. He idly picked up his phone and saw he had a voicemail from Dr. Cranston. She advised him that the only thing he could do with Steve completely shut down was to be as clear as he could with the other man about what he was thinking and feeling. If Steve responded, they could have a dialogue, and she was happy to have them both return, but if he didn't, Tim still needed to know that he had done everything he could. He shook his head. She didn't get it. If he spilled his guts about all he was feeling, Steve would leave all the sooner. He needed to dial it back, to be casual and let Steve calm down. He'd have to convince him that he was okay with them seeing other people, even if they were going to continue whenever they saw each other. Hopefully, he hadn't ruined the entire situation already with how he'd cried after coming the night before. He felt pathetic, but knew that he had to be strong or all was lost anyway.

With the planned mask firmly in place, they had a quiet breakfast together, then Tim told Steve he was going to take a long shower. He suggested to Steve might want to take the time to work out if he wanted to.

"I'll even let you finish," Tim joked weakly.

Steve was watching him closely, but rolled with the lighter tone. "It's not like I don't finish working out, it's just that I'm working different muscles, then."

Tim chuckled and headed for the bathroom. As soon as he closed the door behind him, he leaned against it and felt himself shake. He'd never wanted anyone the way he wanted Steve, and he desperately hoped that he was doing the right thing.

Everything exploded at lunch. They'd gone out to a cafe that had a wide variety of cuisines. Tim had brought up the topic of them seeing other people once they separated, and Steve lost it.

"I said I was fucking sorry! What the hell else do you want from me?" Steve demanded. Tim's jaw dropped.

"I – I, I know I scared you, um, with the whole relationship thing when we were at the doctors, so I figured…"

"So I screw up one time and you're done? That's really harsh, Tim!" Steve threw his napkin on the table and stood. Ignoring the fact that they were in a very public place, Tim rose, too, his voice matching Steve's volume. The whole section of the restaurant they were in grew quiet as people stopped and stared.

"I thought this was what you wanted! You don't want to be tied down, you want to keep your options open. I'm just giving you permission to do what you want. Not that you need my permission, but..."

"I don't want options, goddamnit! I want you, Tim!"

"Well I want you, too! Just you."

Steve stepped around the table and planted a searing kiss on Tim's lips, holding him tight in his arms and ignoring any possible discomfort he was causing him. Tim returned the kiss passionately, and they didn't break apart until applause began. Tim's eyes grew huge and his face turned bright pink, but Steve just smirked, tossed a few bills on the table, and led Tim out, practically strutting. He wanted him back at home, now.

Once inside the apartment, they didn't speak any more words. They communicated with touch and long looks, with kisses and sighs. Tim found his heart so full of love and relief he could barely breathe. He lost himself in the feel of Steve's arms and lips, in the heat of their bodies pressing closer and closer. As he gazed into his lover's eyes, part of him noted that they looked a deeper blue than he'd ever seen them, but mostly he just saw Steve in all his passion and power, all his openness and vulnerability. God he loved this man.

Steve gave himself over to experiencing every moment they shared. His awareness contracted to just the two of them and he felt himself riding the waves of emotion and sensation as they came, just flowing, blending somehow with Tim, endlessly. Oh god, would sex with Tim ever be ordinary? Or would it always have this depth and power?

Tim let tears of pleasure and love and relief just run from his eyes. Steve slid down and enveloped him in his hot mouth, tonguing and sucking, and Tim just floated in the ecstasy.

When Steve felt the thick muscle in his mouth swell, he rose up and plunged his hastily wrapped and lubed cock into Tim. Balls deep, roaring primally. They cried out together, then Steve adjusted and tried hard to nail Tim's prostate with firm thrusts. He was so close to coming, but he wanted Tim to have something new, wanted to give him everything he could, to express physically what he struggled to say.

Tim's body convulsed and he screamed with his first prostate-only orgasm. Instead of feeling it just in his cock, it was deep in his gut as well and it went on and on and on...

The scream sent Steve into hyperdrive, humping fast until his own climax sent him reeling and dizzy to collapse onto Tim, both of them shuddering and whimpering in the aftermath. Minutes passed before they calmed enough to speak.

"Steve, hon, I have to say, I have never cried so fucking much during sex in my life!" Tim confessed, laughing shakily and sniffing.

"I kinda noticed. I don't mind, I just... What's up with that?" Steve replied, moving away and tossing the condom before he turned back with tissues and wiped the other man's eyes then his chest before he pulled Tim close.

"It's just so...intense, y'know?" Tim bit his lip and then quickly released it when Steve frowned. For whatever reason, it seemed Steve didn't like it when he did that. "I mean, really intense, like I'm gonna burst. Is...is it like that for you?"

"God, yes. It's not like any sex I've ever had."

Tim's face flushed. "But you've...had sex with guys, right? I mean-"

"Yes. Mostly, with friends... Um, three guys, Freddie and Billy and Sam, on my SEAL team," he shrugged. "And back at Annapolis when I figured out I was into it. You're the first serious one, though."

Tim's mouth quirked into a smile. "Serious?"

"Serious enough to shout it in a restaurant," Steve said, smirking.

"I can't believe we did that. It's like some chick flick."

"Who cares? It's all legal here. We could even get married in DC."

They both froze when they realized what Steve had just said.

"I'm not..." Tim began.

"Me either," Steve said, and they moved on from their discussion of the intensity of their relationship; physical and emotional.

~~~NCIS/H50~~~

Tim went back to Dr. Cranston's by himself, and easily convinced her that he was ready to return to work. When she tried to ask him more about Steve, he became firm about the session sticking to his mental readiness for field duty rather than his personal life. The difference in him was marked from when he had lied his way through his evaluation after Delilah had been injured, so she let him keep his love life out of it. She signed off on his mental health, and he went to a final appointment at Bethesda and gained approval of his physical fitness to return to work, at least for desk duty, as well. He would start back on Monday, and in another two weeks, he should be cleared for field duty. Gibbs insisted that Ducky would do an exam as well before Tim was considered field ready, but Tim knew he was just being overly cautious.

The governor called and asked when Steve was coming back, making it clear that if the answer wasn't very soon, he wouldn't have a job to return to. With Tim ready to go back to work, they both acknowledged that it was time for Steve to go home.

Their last weekend together was emotional and bittersweet. They made love so much that both of them were sore enough to walk with a hitch, but neither minded. They agreed to find time to talk on the phone as often as they could, and made plans to meet in Los Angeles, halfway between them, for a long weekend in a few weeks. Time ticked away relentlessly, and before either of them was ready, they were in the car driving to the plane that would spirit Steve away.

As they approached the door to the taxiway, Tim pulled Steve into the alcove of an office doorway so that they could have a moment of privacy before they were out in the open on the tarmac. He'd teased Steve about actually choosing a military transport over a commercial one, even offering to buy him a first class seat for the long flight, but Steve liked the noise and sense of purpose hopping a ride on a plane that was already going where he was.

"You know, I never actually said thank you," Tim said hoarsely. "Above and beyond friendship, man. You saved my life, and my sanity. Thank you."

Words deserted Steve again. He stared into Tim's eyes like he was drinking his soul. He couldn't believe he was actually choosing to get on a plane and leave. Their planned weekend in Los Angeles was a glimmer of hope, but 37 days felt like an eternity.

Tim took in all the stress lines that marred Steve's face, and he shook his head. He put his arms around him and pulled him close.

"It's okay. We're okay. Now, you better call me as soon as you get in," Tim whispered into his neck. Steve nodded and fought not to squeeze Tim breathless, knowing how much his ribs still bothered him. Instead, he buried his face in Tim's neck in return. He took long breaths, trying to absorb every moment he had left in its entirety. "I love you, Steve. I'll see you soon."

Steve closed his eyes and took a heavy breath, then he straightened and looked into Tim's beautiful eyes. "Aloha nui loa." He gave a short nod, and kissed Tim softly, loving how he arched against Steve's chest.

They walked together out to Steve's plane, and Tim joked that he finally saw an advantage to the military flight; he could stay by the hanger and watch it take off.

Sharing a long final look, Steve slung his pack and strode up into the plane. Tim waited until all he could see was the tiny speck in the sky vanishing into the cloud cover before he started his long, lonely walk back to his car.

~~~NCIS/H50~~~

A/N Thank you again to everyone who is reading and enjoying this. Real life is getting in the way of my writing, so while chapter 5 is ready for next week, I'm not sure if 6 will be on time after that. I may post a tiny story of snippets from an exercise writing to music from the Home series if I don't have chapter 6 ready.

Thanks as always to my Beta, FlyingPiglet: this story would not only never have existed without you, it wouldn't have had nearly the depth if your continual feedback and creative input weren't there. And through your most difficult work month, too! You're incredible.