Arg, talk about feeling like your insides have it out for you...ugh. Any way, hope you liked the last chapter and it may not make sense, but oh well, I'm sticking to my guns.
My life is sooo busy right now that if I am slow on updates, that is why and I tend to only update one story at a time. Those reading What you deserve, I am working on the next chapter and am not done. I am actually kind of stuck. But I promise, I will try to have it out by Sunday.
So, there is still no paring, which is okay, I can just work on Ava's friendships and acquaintances and her coping with moving on with out Darius for now. My husband is really rooting for Mikasa. He wants it super steamy...perv. I guess that is why we work...
If you find mistakes, feel free to let me know! I enjoy hearing from you guys!
Song of this chapter: In Distress - Divergent soundtrack (I can't remember who the artist is...oops.)
She gritted her teeth as she threw out the dirty water. She was not a maid!
When Levi dragged her back to the shack, no one knew she was home and he thought it fit that sense she had caused him such an 'inconvenience' that she could start on chores early while he went to bed, starting with the baths and stables. After that, she had been punished with staying awake and making breakfast and tea for everyone, then continuing on to laundry. She hefted the heavy basket outside, sighing with fatigue. It only served her right. In all honesty, this was not the worst punishment she had every recieved and she was a little grateful that she hadn't been stuck running sun up to sun down.
She breathed in the fresh air as she hung up the clothes. She was told that any stain left on any article of clothing would result on how many rounds of push ups she would be doing. Levi pointed out that a round was 100. She sighed in defeat. She wasn't really good at this kind of thing. In fact, she had to re-do many things that she had cleaned because they were 'not clean enough'. She had never been so frustrated with her life.
"Need help?"
She jumped at the voice and turned to see Eren standing there, smiling at her. She blinked and shrugged. "Just don't get caught."
He scoffed and began to help her. "I'm already on his shit list today."
She groaned, feeling sorry for the boy. He had a lot riding on his shoulders for a kid. She had read his back story and felt so much sadness for him and Mikasa, despite her relationship with the latter.
"I'm sorry for Mikasa. Really, she shouldn't have said those things." He spoke up after several minutes of silence between them.
She shrugged lightly. "I'm surprised that was all she said, truthfully. If the roles were reversed, I would be on trial now for treason because she would be dead." She noticed his look of concern. "No offense and nothing personal."
He sighed and paused. "Ever since mom died, well, we haven't been right in the head. Either of us." He looked at his hands. "When Reiner and Bertholtd ended up being the Colossal and Armoured titans, it just re-opened the wound. I guess we are just burnt out."
She looked at him, guilt washing over her. She had opened wounds like Mikasa opened her's. "I'm sorry. My dad was in the Garrison Regiment and one day, he never came back." She continued to hang her clothes. "Then some one, out of pure luck, came back to the gates and told us that these titans had ambushed them and he had survived by only moving at night. It was incredible that he made it alive, but he said really, that they fell from the wall and so all he had to do was get back up there and walk. Back then we didn't have such high security as you do now."
"Wow. So your dad was killed by a titan?" He asked her curiously, raising an intrigued eyebrow.
"I suppose so. I guess I will never really know." She pushed back her hair, huffing in annoyance.
He looked unsure of his next words, wondering if it was wise. "So...now that he is old...what is going to happen to you and the commander-in-chief?"
She felt the sadness wash over her. Her arms dropped, as did her head and she closed her eyes. "I came back and he only did what I had hoped for him to do in the event of my death. He doesn't feel right about continuing on our marriage and he isn't the same man. I..." She took a deep breath. "I guess I will have to move on too."
She felt a hand on her shoulder and she looked to see Eren's large green eyes looking into her's. "You're only human, Ava." She looked at him with surprise, not expecting those words to come from him. "Plus, if you didn't fully form into a titan, you may have the same ability as me. I don't know if I am really a kid with the memories I have or if I am like you and the others. I guess I will never know, but I can't let that drag me down. I have to keep fighting, for the others, myself, and for humanity." His hand dropped and she felt the tears pricking her eyes. She wiped her face.
"You brat...I am too tired for that crap." She smiled, comforted by his words. "But thanks for saying that."
He smiled and patted her back, throwing her balance off and making her stumble. "Yeah, you looked like you needed a kind word or two."
She caught herself and sent him a playful, but kind look. "Yeah. I did."
Connie let out a huff when his body hit the ground, Ava's foot planted solid on his chest. "Come on Springer, you need to stop horsing around." She took her foot away and stepped back.
"I'm not! You're just really good." He rubbed the back of his head as he stood up.
She rolled her eyes. They had decided to spar again, Levi putting her in charge. She went to protest, but she was quickly reminded that he had no qualms about putting her in her place. She didn't want to be embarrassed any more than necessary. "That or you're really a shitty fighter." She rubbed her forehead. "Take a breather, it is hot out and looks like your bald head is frying."
He pouted, sulking off, murmuring something about not being that bald. She sighed and walked back over to the shade, telling Armin and Sasha to begin their turn. She took her place next to the grumpy and equally tired captain.
"He's right." Levi looked at her. "You need to hold back a bit."
She snapped her head in his direction and scoffed. "And what would he learn? The more skilled the enemy, the better chance he will have with future ones. Taking it easy on him will not help him one bit."
He stared at her with those bored eyes. "I guess your right." He turned back toward the 2 that were trying to fight.
She tried not to seem surprised by what he just said, but she felt a slight smile grace her lips. "I'm what?"
"Do you want to clean the toilets again?" He snapped.
She kept quiet, but the smile didn't fade. Armin was doing better. His speed had improved, his technique was much better, and he seemed to be more sure of himself. She almost felt proud for him. Almost.
The food obsessed girl had him pinned under her, her grin mischievous. Ava sighed. Well, he tried his best. To be honest with herself, she knew Armin wasn't physically cut out to be a solider, but he was very useful, none the less.
She was looking over the wall, a look of disbelief was on her features. That titan...looked like her father.
She felt herself go stiff and her eyes glazed over. Was she remembering?
It was very large, but the creäture did have the same characteristics of her father. She looked at her squad leader, noticing his face was white. Next to that titan was another, though she couldn't place who it looked like, it was familiar.
"Ava?"
"Ava, watch out!"
"Maria! She fell! Squad leader!"
She gasped and felt her shoulders being shook. What had just happened?
"Ava! Ava, what's happening?" She looked to see the blonde boy over her. She was dazed and confused, unaware of her surroundings.
"What happened?" She groaned, sitting up.
"That's what we'd like to know." Jean said next to her. "Your face went all weird and shit and you started whispering 'papa' in a really creepy voice."
Her face paled and she went over the flash back. That titan...why did it look like her father? How did she fall off the wall? And why was it coming to her now?
"She's doing it again."
She looked up at Sasha's face, noticing that the girl was covered in crumbs. Ava felt her stomach turn. She remembered titans face's covered in blood in the same way.
"Hey."
Ava felt herself jump and suddenly the captain crouched in front of her, his eyes passive as always. "I think it's time for bed."
She didn't eat. She didn't clean. She didn't do anything. She felt numb, almost frozen. She was horrified by the memory of seeing the titan with her father's face. How was that even possible?
Levi had dismissed her for the evening, noting that she was thoroughly exhausted. But he didn't let her go after everyone else cleared the table.
"You want to tell me what that was all about?" He asked, sipping from his tea. She noticed that he rather enjoyed it when she brewed the pot.
She shook her head, eyes wide. "I-I don't know. I think I remembered something. I don't know if it was a memory or if it was a dream or something. I don't know." She covered her face.
He set down his tea, crossing his legs casually and propping his elbow up on the table. "What did you remember?"
She looked at him, eyes beginning to hurt they were so wide. She wanted to forget, but she knew she needed to tell him. "I was over the wall and...there was a titan-" She gulped. "That looked like my father. I think I fell after that. I don't know what made me fall, but some one yelled 'she fell'. Do you think it's a memory?"
He was looking at her with a calculating look, his eyes narrowed. "Quite possibly." It wasn't an answer she wanted, but expected. She bit her lip. "In any case, it needs to be reported."
"Not yet." She blurted out. She recovered before he could protest. "I want to see if they continue. If they do, then quite possibly they are memories coming back to me. If not, I'm writing them off as exhaustion. I mean, they could be a result of physical and emotional fatigue."
He was watching her again and she squirmed uncomfortably. She hadn't been looked at by a man in so long that she forgot how being loked at made her feel. "Alright. You have 3 days. The only reason I am allowing this is because you used to be a researcher yourself."
"I can't believe you put that much trust in me." She crossed her arms on the table, letting her chin rest on them.
"If I didn't trust those who worked with me, I wouldn't be alive today." He picked up his tea again and resumed drinking. "Go to bed."
Erwin couldn't believe the accusations about his corporal. He knew things were happening just as he predicted, but he didn't like how Levi and the other's were being dragged into it. He had passed on his command to Hange and made sure everything was set up just as he had planned.
But that titan girl wasn't doing as he wished. If she was like Eren, he needed her. They could have more victories like they did when Eren plugged the hole in Trost. Humanity needed more victories.
But he couldn't imagine what kind of turmoil she was going through to make her want to die so dishonorably. The commander-in-chief also seem perturbed that his former wife would be so willing to fall like that. It was unlike Zachly to be so involved.
It was only a matter of time, he knew, before the military police would come banging on his door and to take him in for court. It was coming and soon...
"She fell! Squad leader!"
Ava felt herself faint and her legs give out under her. This was it. She was going to fall to her death here and now, after she had told Darius not to worry.
I'm an idiot. The darkness completely took over.
There she was, stuck in that large body. She couldnt' control it and she felt her legs stop moving to her orders. Oh, Maria...
She was a titan. How did that happen? She was just standing there, at the wall, staring up at the people who she recognized as her squad and she tried to call out to them, but the large body just groaned dumbly.
She was trapped.
Ava jerked back to reality.
She hadn't been sleeping lately because of the flash backs and she had passed out the last couple times they had happened. Unfortunatly, this did not make the captain think she was less capable of doing her daily duties.
It had already been 2 days and they hadn't progressed. Levi insisted that she tell him both nights what she had remembered that day. He was annoyed that they were the same, replaying over and over.
They still haunted her.
"Captain, she's doing it again." Sasha stared at her with wide eyes, chewing on some sort of food item.
Ava, even during the past grueling 2 days, had not stopped feeding Sasha in her attempt to find her limit. She was getting exhausted with her efforts.
"Braus. No more, she needs to eat her ration." The captain bit at the wide eyed girl. They just stared at Ava when she did this, like they were waiting on something to happen. "Leave her be. Let it happen, you shitty brats."
They turned back to dinner and Ava felt her head go light. She needed to eat for her body's sake, but she couldn't bring herself to.
"Perchov. Eat. I'm not going to baby sit you tonight." Her orders came at her. She sighed, lifting a hand to her spoon, but that was all she could really muster. He had spent most of last night with her, making sure she ate all her food before she was dismissed to go to bed. She didn't want a repeat with the short, intimidating man.
Ava...
She jerked up, looking around for the source of whispering. It was male, but...she didn't recognize the voice. "What?"
Everyone looked at her again with curiosity and concern. Mikasa kept her usual glare. Levi just looked at her with the same board expression.
Ava, love...you're hungry.
She stood up. She did know that voice. Where was he?
"What's wrong?" Historia looked at her puzzled. Ava looked back at the girl with wide yes.
"You can't hear it?" She asked, desperately hoping that she was not the only one hearing the voice. I'm not going crazy, I'm not going-
Ava...
She stumbled out of her chair, looking around with panic. Her breath was coming in short breaths.
"Hey, are you okay?" Eren stood up. Levi's face turned into a deeper frown and he planted his other foot on the ground.
"Don't you pass out again." He warned.
You're so hungry.
"Stop." She whispered. She made eye contact with Eren before darkness took her.
She cried. She didn't want this.
"Stop." She begged as the titan body picked up another helpless victim. The look on the young girl's face was more than she could bare. She didn't want to do this.
The internal agony she felt was more than when she saw her comrades die in battle. Now she was the killer.
And all because she fell into the mouth of that titan that looked like her father.
Papa.
She had never seen so much water in her life. Then again, she had never seen an ocean before. She had read about them in her father's forbidden books, but she didn't think she would ever see one.
It was just like she read. Large blue vastness, soft sand, birds flying. It was cold, but she didn't really care. It didn't effect her too much. Not in this body. Not as the monster she was.
She thought of Darius and how much she wanted him to be here and how much she didn't want to be a titan and have this war. It was pointless. Titans were going to kill humans until there are no more to kill.
Another sad thought crossed her mind. She would never be able to see Darius again, unless he showed up outside of the walls. She knew the chances of that were slim to none. She didn't want to be the reason he died any way.
'Please, don't be a casuality of this war.'
The titan body began to move into the water and it stood there, engulfed as if it was also in awe. It was probably because of her feelings it was reacting this way.
'I don't want to kill. I know it won't stop, but I don't want to. Please, some one, help me.'
Kill. Kill. Kill.
Her brain burned with want as she saw the green capes she knew so well. Humans were outside of the wall. Now was her chance. She was desperate.
So desperate for human flesh.
And she had succeeded in killing that day. Many, many lives and she no longer felt sadness or repulsion, but a burning need. It was like fire.
She remembered waking up, her head rolled to the side. The voices around her, the fear in their eyes. And her desire to eat them was gone.
She was alive. She was alone. Where was Darius? Where was her mother and sisters? Her friends? Who were these people and...
Who was that man? He reminded her of Darius. She felt joy at first, but then she realized it was not her husband, but some man she had never met before.
He reminded her of him.
Ava felt the memories fade and her vision cleared. Other faces came into her view and she realized they were standing over her. She was laying on the floor, but cradled in some one's arms. Human arms.
She jerked from the grasp and looked to see steel and passive eyes looking back at her. She began to shake. It can't be true. I don't want to kill humans. I am not that monster any more!
She didn't know if she was lying to herself any more.
Arg...getting better, but I get very dizzy and tired and so my time working on my writing is very limited. I keep trying to work on my other one, but it seems like it is cursed. Oh well, I will get to it. I also need to see if chapter 62 is up. Gotta keep this story in line.
This is the last chapter to vote for!
I have:
1 for Bertholtd
1 for Mikasa
1 for Erwin.
If you are a follower, please, I beg you, tell me what you want. I don't need a review every chapter, but I do request this one because if you don't, I am going to eenie-meanie-minie-mo it with the 3 I have and call it good.
Thanks in advance and I hope I am making sense. If I don't, let me know, because the meds they put me on make me extremely loopy.
Loves!
-Jane
