FOUR
"Get off me!" I scream as he shoves his knee between my legs.
I push myself off my back and he grabs my wrists. He pins them above my head and tries to kiss me. I move my head and he ends up biting my ear. I try to turn over and throw him off of me but he's too big. I cry out and he covers my mouth. I bite his hand. He groans and smacks me across the face. I start to taste blood and realize that my lip is split.
"Move your hands and I'll break your wrists." He threatens quietly. I nod and he starts to unbutton my shirt. He throws the shirt open and reaches behind me and unclasps my bra and pushes it up. He wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me up and takes my shirt and bra off. He pushes me back down and he starts to unbutton my pants.
"Please don't do this." I say quietly, desperately. He laughs and pushes his hand into my pants.
"No!" I scream as I bolt upright.
I bring my hand up to feel my lip. There's nothing there. I look around and see Olivia sitting up looking at me. I feel tears running down my cheeks.
"Amanda?" Olivia asks gently.
I shake my head. "I'm fine." I say, standing up.
"You're not fine." She says.
"I know." I say.
It comes out more harshly than I want it too. I turn and walk out of the bedroom.
I walk into the kitchen and lean on the counter. I hear Olivia walk in.
"I've never heard you scream when you have a nightmare." She says.
I nod. "They don't normally go on for that long. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you." I say quietly, looking at the floor.
She walks a little closer to me. "Can I touch you?" She asks.
I shake my head. "Not yet." I say.
"Okay. Do you wanna talk about it?" She asks.
I shake my head. "You don't need to know." I say.
"Okay. I'm just gonna sit down and be here then." She says.
I'm still looking at the floor. I see her sit down and cross her legs. I tilt my head up a little bit to look at her.
She smiles a little bit. "Don't do that." I say, looking back down.
"Don't do what Amanda?" She asks.
"Give me that look. I've seen it before. It's the look you always have when you're interviewing victims. Don't do that." I say.
"Amanda.." She starts.
I interrupt her. "I'm not a victim Olivia." I say harshly.
Olivia stands up. I look away from her. I see her hand move from her side but I still jump when I feel it on my arm.
"Please look at me." She whispers.
I look up slowly. "You're not a victim Amanda, but I hate seeing you scared. I hate seeing you scared and all I want to do is hug you and make you feel safe." She says, bringing her hand to my face to wipe my tears.
This is the second time she's done that for me today. I must look terrible. I feel terrible. I start to sink down to the floor and she catches me halfway and guides me down gently.
By the time we get down to the floor, both of her arms are around my waist and my head is buried in her neck and I'm sobbing.
"Amanda, you've gotta calm down baby." She says gently as she rubs my back.
I can't stop crying. And I can't breathe. I'm trying but I can't. Olivia takes off her shirt and bra and throws them somewhere.
"Amanda, I'm gonna take off your tank top okay? I promise it's gonna help." She says gently.
I'm starting to get a little panicky, and I can feel myself starting to shake, but I nod. She slowly works my tank top over my head and tosses it to the side, leaving my upper body completely bare. She puts her hand on my shoulder and pushes me down gently so I'm on my side on the floor and she lays down beside me, holding me tight. I try to get as close to her as I can.
"You're okay Amanda. You're safe." She says.
My breathing finally starts to calm down after about thirty minutes.
"How ya doin?" Olivia asks me gently.
"My head feels like it's gonna explode." I say.
She nods. "Crying does that to a person. Do you want some painkillers?" She asks.
I nod. "Yeah maybe." I say.
She nods and reaches up to the counter. "Here." She says handing me the bottle.
I take two out and swallow them dry.
"I still don't know how you can do that." She says.
I shrug. "It's a talent." I say.
She smiles. "Do you wanna talk about the nightmare?" She asks.
"I do and I don't." I say.
She nods. "I get it. Just tell me what you want me to know." She says.
I nod and take a deep breath. "Most of the time when I have them they don't go on for as long as it did tonight. They normally stop sooner, and I don't know why this one didn't. But it scared me, and I screamed and, I don't even know anymore." I say.
Olivia nods. "What happened in the dream Amanda?" She asks.
"He, he was on top of me, and then he had my shirt and my bra off, and then he was undoing my pants and then his hand was in my pants and I woke up. That's really all there is to tell." I say.
"Is that why you were so scared when I took off your shirt?" She asks.
Slowly I nod.
"I'm sorry Amanda. I didn't know." She says.
I nod. "I know you didn't." I say.
She nods.
"Liv?" I ask.
She nods. "Yeah?" She asks.
"What if Allison is mine? Her father is a rapist. I mean, what if she asked me about him one day or something? Or what if she asked and I told her and it completely destroyed her?" I ask.
"I know what it's like to be told your father is a rapist, and sometimes, I wish my mother hadn't told me, but sweetheart, you can't think of him as her father. He is not her parent. He's a sperm donor. That's it. So if she wants to know, you tell her, but she needs to know that it doesn't matter who he was." Olivia says.
I nod. "I know, I just, I don't know." I say.
"I can call Melinda and ask her to come over and take some swabs." Olivia says.
I look at the clock on the stove. "It's six o'clock in the morning Liv. Won't she be asleep?" I ask.
"Actually she should be just about to leave the house." She says.
"You know her schedule?" I ask.
Olivia nods. "We've been friends for fourteen years, before I met you, I spent a lot of time with her and Karen and the kids." She says.
"I didn't know that." I say.
Olivia smiles. "Do you want me to call her?" She asks gently.
I nod slowly. Olivia puts her hand on my arm. "You're gonna have to explain why you want this done." She says.
"I..I.. I don't want anyone to know." I say quietly.
"Which part Amanda?" She asks.
"All of it, for now." I say.
"I understand, Amanda, but I promise you, you can trust her. She is discreet." She says.
I nod. "Okay." I mumble.
"I'm gonna go into the bedroom." I say.
Olivia nods.
I walk into the bedroom, where Allison is sleeping peacefully, and I sit down on the bed beside her. She rolls around and her head lands in my lap. I smile and lean back against the headboard and close my eyes. I almost hope she is mine. I want her to be mine. I want to have a family with Olivia, more than anything. I laugh. Wow. I never thought I would hear myself think that.
I hear her talking to Melinda on the phone and open my eyes when I hear her step into the doorway. She gives me a sad smile and comes to sit on the bed.
"She lives just down the block so she should be here in about five minutes." She says.
I nod. "Can you hand me a shirt?" I ask.
She nods and throws me one of her NYPD t-shirts. "You gonna put something on?" I ask.
She looks down at her bare torso and laughs. "I didn't even realize I didn't put a shirt back on." She says as she pulls a shirt out of a drawer.
I smile.
Olivia comes over and sits down on the bed beside me. I lean against her and she puts her arm around my shoulders.
"Are you okay?" She asks gently.
I nod. "Yeah. Just scared." I say.
"What are you scared of baby?" She asks.
"Everything." I say.
She tightens her grip on my shoulders. "You're safe Amanda. You know that right?" She asks.
I smile. "I know." I say.
"Okay."
There's a knock on the door and I jump.
"It's okay Amanda. It's just Melinda." Olivia says.
I nod. "Okay." I say.
"Do you want her to come in here or do you wanna do this in the living room?" She asks.
"Living room." I say.
Olivia nods and holds out her hands. I move Allison off my lap and take Olivia's hands and stand up.
We walk down the hall into the living room and I sit on the couch while Olivia answers the door.
Melinda steps into the house with her medical bag.
Olivia closes the door. "I'll make coffee." She says.
"Thanks Liv." Melinda says.
Melinda walks over to the couch and sits down.
"I'm here to take some DNA swabs Amanda?" She asks.
I nod. "Yeah.." I say.
She nods. "Amanda, before I start, can I ask you why you want this done?" She asks.
"I'm guessing Liv told you about Allison?" I ask.
She nods. "About four years ago, I had a baby. I think it's Allison. And before you even ask, I don't know why. I just do." I say.
"I understand. I've got Mark and Sammy, so I know how you feel. You'd like to think you'd know your child anywhere. And I understand wanting her to be a part of your life." She says.
I just nod and sigh. "How would you like to do this Amanda?" She asks.
I shrug.
"Well we can either do a cheek swab or a blood test, or I can pull out some of your hairs." She says.
"Which one is more accurate?" I ask with a slight laugh.
"They're basically the same. DNA is DNA, no matter where you get it from." She says, smiling.
"I don't know when the last time she got a full nights sleep was so I really don't want to wake her, and I definitely don't want to stick a needle in her arm when she has no idea why." I say.
Melinda nods in understanding. "Did she drink from a glass during dinner?" She asks.
"We had hot chocolate around three or four." I say.
"Have you washed the cup?" She asks.
I shake my head. "I'll go grab it." I say as I stand up.
I walk into the kitchen where Olivia is sitting on the floor in front of the sink with her head in her hands.
"Liv are you okay?" I ask.
She nods.
I sit down in front of her. "Look at me Liv." I say gently.
Slowly she looks up at me with tears in her eyes.
"Lewis?" I ask.
She nods slowly. I open my arms and she moves to sit between my legs. I wrap my arms around her as she snuggles into me.
"I love you." I say quietly.
"Love you too." She says.
"Do you want to come into the living room with us? Or do you just wanna be alone?" I ask.
She nods. "I'll come sit with you. Just let me get the coffee." She says.
"Okay." I say as I stand up.
"Have you washed Allison's hot chocolate cup?" I ask.
She shakes her head. "No, why?" She asks.
"I don't want to wake her up for a cheek swab." I say.
She nods and hands me the cup. "I'll be in in a second." She says.
I nod and walk back into the living room.
"Here's the cup." I say, putting it on the coffee table.
"Okay. Your turn." Melinda says as she hands me a long cotton swab.
I swab the inside of my cheek and hand it back to her.
"How fast can you get the results?" I ask.
"Three days tops." She says.
"Okay." I say.
Not even two minutes later Olivia comes into the room with three cups of coffee and hands both Melinda and I a cup, then sits down beside me.
"Already done?" She asks.
I nod. "Yeah." I say.
"Is there any way you could run that as a Jane Doe?" I ask.
Melinda nods. "Of course I can." She says.
"Can I ask you a question?" She asks.
I nod. "Okay." I say.
"Do you know who the father is? Is he a cop? Does someone have his DNA on file?" She asks.
"That was three questions, but yes, yes and yes." I say.
"Why? Will you know who he is if there's a match?" I ask, panicked.
"No, not unless I'm specifically searching for him. Do you want me to?" She asks.
"NO!" I yell.
I immediately cover my mouth and hope I didn't wake Allison. I feel myself starting to shake and Olivia's arm wrap around my waist and pull me close.
Melinda looks at me with concern.
"Did I say something?" She asks.
Olivia tightens her grip on me a little.
"Do you want to tell her or can I?" She asks.
"I will." I say quietly.
I look up at Melinda, who's waiting patiently, yet kindly for an explanation.
"Her father is my rapist." I say quietly.
"I'm sorry Amanda. I had no idea." She says.
I nod. "I know." I say.
"When I asked you if he was a cop, you said yes.." She says.
I nod again. "He was my Deputy Chief back in Atlanta. I'm not pressing charges, I'm not telling him I got pregnant, and hopefully I don't ever have to go back there. It was almost five years ago. There's no point now." I say.
Melinda nods. "Okay."
"I'm gonna get to work on this." She says, holding up the evidence bag with the cotton swab.
"Thank you." I say.
"It's no problem Amanda." She says.
Olivia stands up to hug her, then leads her out of the apartment.
Olivia walks back over to me and sits down. "Do you want to go back to bed?" She asks.
I nod. "Yeah." I say.
"Okay." Olivia says.
"I feel kinda dizzy." I say.
"Can you walk?" She asks.
"I don't think so." I say.
Before I know what's happening, one arm is under my legs and the other is behind my back and I'm being lifted into the air.
"Wrap your arms around my neck." She says.
I do as I'm told and she carries me into the bedroom and lays me down gently on the bed, then crawls in beside me. I snuggle into her side and she pulls me closer.
"I love you Liv." I say.
"I love you too Amanda." She says as I feel her kiss the top of my head.
