Chapter 3
Vincent had a dream. A strange and confused dream about Lucrecia running in a field of flowers. He could see her but he was not physically there with her. She kept running and laughing under the sun, apparently by herself. She looked completely happy and her belly was round. Lucrecia was pregnant appeared to be celebrating the new life she was going to bring into the world. It was a beautiful sight and it hurt him so much.
As pain grew stronger, the dream changed. Now he was in a dark unknown place, completely alone. He felt sad, but also freed from a burden. She was no longer there and so he was not forced to witness her perfect happiness in which he had no place.
Suddenly a light came from above and it was hot and blinding, as if the sun that had shone in Lucrecia's field was now falling on him. He felt like he was about to die, and a sense of peace filled his heart. His sorrow was finally about to end.
He woke up to find his face hurting from the pressure of his own hands. He had fallen asleep seated on the bed, with his head on his hands. He swallowed and breathe for a while. There was no Lucrecia and no burning sun on top of him. This was real life and he was still alive, for better or worse.
He felt ashamed for dreaming that kind of stuff. It was like a psychology test on a newspaper. Do you still dream of her? You are not over her yet. Do you dream of dying? You are depressed.
Even his dreams were shit.
Wanting to take as much distance as he could from that awful display of his troubles, he forced himself to think back of what he was doing before falling asleep. He remembered asking the girl's name and her eyes on him.
Well, his dreams were crap, but reality was also not particularly satisfying. But while a dream can end, life ends only when you die, and that was not his day to do so. Therefore, he had to keep on living and dealing with what life decided to throw at him.
He took a very deep breath and raised his head from his hands. The bed in front of him wad empty. The girl was no longer there.
For a second, the idea that she had somehow disappeared from his life caressed him like a delicious smell. She was not his problem anymore, he was free. But then, he started to feel anxious about it. Where could she be? How was she? What if Hojo had found her again?
He was still asking himself this kind of questions when he suddenly realized that the right side of his body was burdened with a strange weight, like something was leaning on him. He looked in that direction and found out that the girl had not actually disappeared into thin air. She was asleep, leaning onto his body like he was a pillow. Her head was carefully laid onto his right thigh and the rest of her body was crouched on the bed, his bed.
Vincent heard his heartbeat double its speed as panic spread through his body. He raised his arms into the air to avoid touching her and looked around in a desperate search for a way to escape that absurd situation. Suddenly he was very sure he would have preferred her to be literally anywhere else as long as that place was away from him and no more his business. But there she was, sleeping like a puppy. He couldn't help thinking that, for someone who refused to talk, she was particularly touchy.
After a few moments of unrest, Vincent told himself he needed to calm down. She appeared to be sleeping very soundly and, after all, there was no need for him to become insane about something like that. People react to trauma in all sorts of ways, this must have been part of her coping mechanism. She couldn't possibly know that he was scared of physical contact and she surely meant no harm. He had to remember that she was the victim in that situation, it was understandable that she behaved in a strange way. Also, who was he to judge if a behavior was to be considered strange at all? He was a grown man and could not make a fuss about that, it was just a girl sleeping on his leg.
When the words "a girl sleeping on his leg" crossed his mind, Vincent felt panic raising again. His muscles became stiffer and he held his breath for a while, but she just kept sleeping and he eventually began to adjust to her regular breath. When his mind come to terms with the idea of her sleeping on him, he started considering her more closely. She was so near that he could smell the disinfectant he had used on her. Her breathing made her body move in slow waves. He wondered if all humans looked like this in their sleep, if he himself seemed so harmless.
Vincent noticed that her lashes were long and curved and that she had freckles on her cheeks. Her lips were opened a bit and he could feel her warm breath expand on his skin through the leather of his trousers. He realized that his arms were still up in the air and felt very silly imagining how the whole ensemble would look if someone had opened the door. He lowered his arms and carefully put his left one behind her body, taking extra care to avoid any touching. He was trapped, but he slowly started to feel a little less uncomfortable.
He was relieved to notice that the mysterious power that had made him feel feverish the night before was not manifesting again. The last hours had been like a roller coaster for him, even the brief moments of sleep had been troubling, but now he was slowly starting to experience an unusual sense of tranquility. While she was asleep in her own bed, he had been busy asking himself questions and getting lost in is own troubles. But now his mind seemed simply tired of thinking about those things and he was actually pretty captivated by the girl he had saved. After all, he had forgotten the last time he had been so close to another human being. It was somehow a new and quite fascinating experience.
Who was this stranger that was so persistent in making physical contact with him? What story could she have? What past had led her to Hojo and then to him? Would she ever talk again? Will he ever know her name?
While he was getting lost in this sort of questions, she suddenly shifted her position a bit and Vincent's body tensed again instantly. He was afraid of waking her up, because he didn't know how to deal with her when she was conscious. He could not stand the persistent gaze of her eyes, so fixed and strong. It was definitely better for him if she kept those closed. Also, she looked quite relaxed in her sleep. Her body seemed no more like a broken doll, but a very human body, with a living spirit inside it. The rhythm of her breathing made it move in waves like a field of grass in the wind. It looked marvelously natural for someone who surely had been through some of the most unnatural things a human can experience.
Vincent was indulging in this kind of thoughts when all of a sudden the right pocket of his trousers started vibrating pretty aggressively. He was startled and the girl, whose neck was right on top of the vibrating spot, woke up instantly, opening her big eyes with a questioning look.
- My phone...- Vincent muttered, feeling a complete idiot. Why on Earth one of his very few friends was calling him in that precise moment and why did he still have the phone in his pocket?
The girl left her sleeping position with a bit of regret in her eyes. She settled for seating on the bed very close to him, waiting while Vincent picked up the phone without a word. His friends were used to this habit of him, there was no need to say "hello".
-What is going on with you?!- screamed a girl at the other end of the phone call.
Vincent frowned.
-Yuffie, who gave you my number?-
-Tifa sent us a text saying that you are at the 7th Heaven with some girl you just rescued from I-don't-know-where! What do you think you're doing?!-
Why did she always have to be so loud?
-It's nothing for you to worry about. I just...-
He paused. He wanted Yuffie to think this was not a big deal, so maybe she would have stopped screaming in his ears. Also, it was actually none of her business. But the girl was so close to him and he didn't want to make her think her life was not important to them. He considered continuing the phone call outside of the room, but that made him feel like he was trying to hide something from her, and it seemed pretty unfair considering he was probably the only man on the whole planet she felt she could trust.
-You WHAT?!- screamed Yuffie, impatient and over the top like always.
-I helped someone who needed my help. It's nothing you have to worry about.- replied Vincent, quite satisfied with the way he had explained the situation.
-You are very wrong, Vincent Valentine! I'm coming there right now, and don't even think about disappearing again like you did last time! I'm serious, Vincent!-
-Are you not in Wutai?- he asked, hoping she was.
-Of course I am! Someone has to clean all the trouble some big corporation left beside!-
Vincent was almost sure she was accusing him of not helping with the cleaning.
-Then you are far away and very busy. It's no use to come here, I don't think it's necessary...-
-I do think it is!- she interrupted, at such a loud volume that Vincent started to think he could have heard her from Wutai even without a phone -And you better be still there when I arrive, or I'll come after you!-
That was actually a more frightening threat than the ninja girl could imagine. Vincent had learned to appreciate all his friends, but some of them were easier to appreciate when they were far away. But since he could not convince her to stay in Wutai and he had nothing else to say, he just ended the call without any further talking. And then he turned off his phone. Just in case.
-Sorry- he said to the girl who was with him.
But when he looked at her he saw something he was not prepared to witness. She was laughing. She had her hand over her mouth to cover the sound, but she was definitely having a laughter. Vincent was very surprised and felt a little bit offended because he had the suspect that she was laughing at him. He may be used to be scolded by Yuffie, but being an object of humor was a brand new experience. Probably his face told this story quite well because she glanced at him and immediately stopped. And so he felt guilty because she was having a good time and his pride had robbed her of that.
-I'm glad to see you laugh- he said, making an effort to sound friendly.
She smiled an almost invisible smile.
-How do you feel now?- he asked.
That change of mood somehow had worked on him too. He felt a bit more relaxed and words came more naturally to his mouth. The girl looked at him like she was considering her possibilities.
-Better- she answered, finally.
Her voice was rough and low, probably because she had been silent for so long, but she was talking and her eyes were now very different from before: no more strangely fixed, they gazed around the room and back to him. Vincent thought that this was encouraging. She was more present to herself and more active.
-My name is Vincent- he said again, not sure that she was paying attention the first time he had said his name.
-I know- she replied.
-And you are...?- he tried.
She smiled again, this time lowering her eyes.
-No one.- she answered.
Vincent frowned. That conversation had turned in the wrong direction pretty fast. He was already feeling less optimistic.
-How should I call you, then?- he asked, involuntarily showing a bit of resentment in his voice.
She stood silent, as if she was considering her position. Then, she shook her head.
-I think I'll need a new name. Maybe you can give me one?-
Sometimes there were moments when people behaved in such a strange way what Vincent regretted to be part of the humankind. He had never been a master in social skills, but when people started to say completely irrational things he felt like he was about to just shoot everyone and be forever done with it. Sometimes he missed the solitude of his coffin and this was most surely one of those moments. Why everything had to be so difficult? How could she say something like that? Why was he supposed to give an unknown girl a name when she could easily tell him her real one? What was the meaning of that crazy answer?
-I'm sorry. I just can't.- she added, as if she could read in his mind.
Vincent felt ashamed for showing his distress in such an open way. How many times he had to repeat to himself that she was suffering the aftermaths of a trauma and some strange behavior was to be expected and tolerated?
-Don't worry- he said -At least you are talking.-
-I'm sorry to be such a mess- she said -I wanted to answer your questions before but it was impossible. My voice was lost. I was lost.-
He wished he had something clever to say, but he didn't, so he just stood silent. Now that she was talking, it was impossible to wait to ask the questions that needed to be urgently answered. He didn't want to do it, but Tifa and Cloud had assigned that task to him and he had to try. After all, it could really be a matter of life and death.
-I need to ask you some questions about what... What was happening in the Mansion. It's for your own safety, and also to protect other people. May I? - he asked, trying again to be as friendly as he could.
She nodded and Vincent tried to put some order in his brain. Now every word was important and he had to choose carefully.
-How long were you in the Mansion?- he asked first. This was a relatively simple question, not too intimate or too scary. He was confident that she could take it and answer it as best as she could.
-I don't know exactly, but I guess a few years. It felt like a long time.-
He had been right. Of course Hojo hadn't provided her with a clock or some kind of calendar, so he hadn't expected a detailed answer, but it was worth asking. Also, he wanted to know if she had been down there for some days or a very long time. As it appeared, it had been a long imprisonment. Vincent took a deep breath while she stood there waiting for him to do something.
-Do you have a family or someone we can call to come and be with you?-
This was also quite an easy question. Either she had, and so they could call someone to help, or she hadn't, and they were alone in the management of this situation. Vincent was not sure which one of the two alternatives was preferable.
-No.- she answered, like she was in a hurry. He noticed that her hands were shaking. Maybe that was a much bigger question than he had foreseen.
-Are you sure? Not even a friend?- he carefully questioned.
The girl looked at him with a gaze that suggested that his asking again was almost a betrayal. She looked like the question had hurt her on a physical level. Vincent guessed that maybe he had given the impression of asking for the sake of getting rid of her, which of course was somehow true, but not all of it. He found common sense to think that someone who knew her could help in ways he and the others, who were strangers, never could.
-I just want to help you- he said, trying to make it clear that he was not asking because he wanted to get rid of her.
-I have no one. I think you...-
She stopped mid-sentence, as if she was about to spill a big secret. Now it was Vincent's turn to wait for further explanations.
-You shot him, right?- she asked, almost trembling -Did he die?-
Vincent closed his eyes and remembered the moment he pulled the trigger.
-It was too dark, I can't be sure. But I promise he won't get to you as long as you stay with me.-
He surprised himself. He had meant to say "with us", but somehow words came out differently. But she smiled and that made him feel less awkward. It seemed he had said the right thing, after all.
-How long can I stay here?- she asked, gazing around the room.
-This is my friends' house. I don't live here, so I can't really answer that.-
She looked back at him with a concerned expression.
-I'm sure they will let you stay as long as you need. But you can ask them later, if you want, they were worried about you.- he suggested.
She seemed even less happy and Vincent frowned. He had the uncomfortable feeling that every time he spoke she became more upset.
-I'm not sure I'm ready to talk to other people...- she muttered, as if she was taking not to him but to herself.
-You are talking to me.- he pointed out.
She closed her eyes and smiled mysteriously.
-You are you- she replied.
Vincent had reached and crossed the limit of his natural loquacity and it was pretty clear that he was not managing the conversation in a good way. But he needed to ask more questions and, having ruled out the easy ones, all he was left with were the most unpleasant.
-I don't want to ask this, but I can't help it.- He paused, letting those words sink into her. - What did he do to you? Do you know what he was aiming for?- he inquired, as slowly and as kindly as he could.
The girl swallowed what looked like a very bitter bite and lowered his eyes to the floor. She started tormenting her left hand with the right one and she looked like she was about to vomit. Of course those were not easy questions, Vincent was more than ready to wait and give her all the time she needed. He just hoped to get some kind of answer that could lead to an understanding of what was going on. Every int could be important. He did not expect her to be fully aware of Hojo's research plan, but maybe she could remember some details or know something that could lead them in the right direction.
While silent minutes passed she looked on the verge of talking for a couple of times, but no actual words came out of her. Eventually, she raised her gaze on Vincent's face and there was no need to speak at all. Her eyes were pleading him to take back his question. He looked away. He could not stand that look.
-What if... I asked only yes-or-no questions? Would it be easier?- he suggested, forcing himself to look back at her.
She nodded, but she looked like she was about to faint.
-You can stop me if things get too...-
He couldn't find ad adjective, but he was sure she had understood. She took a very deep breath and nodded. She was willing to try.
-So, did he perform some experiment on you? -
The question was followed by silence and Vincent looked carefully at her, to catch every int of an answer. She was shaking, but her head moved up-down. It was an affirmative response. He was not surprised, but he had hoped somehow there was another explanation. Now he needed to know if the Shinra was involved. Of course she could be perfectly unaware of that, but if someone else had been there with Hojo it would have been very difficult to think he was just doing some crazy experiments alone in his madness.
-Was there ever someone else in the laboratory?- he tried.
She shook her head. That had been an easy question.
Now, what if Hojo had lectured her about his grand design? He had done that with Vincent before, so he could totally imagine that man bragging about his great discoveries with his own victim. Maybe his pride could become his own downfall.
-Did he ever explain what he was doing or what his experiments were for?-
She shook her head again. She was almost in tears now. It was understandable, because even the simply questions forced her to think back to her time in that laboratory. He hoped she could endure some more. Having ruled out that Hojo was with someone else and that he had talked about his experiments, things were actually getting more difficult. Vincent had no options left but to guess what the man was doing by considering his actions. And, since the girl was the only one who had been witness of those actions, she had to tell him what the hell Hojo had done to her, if she was awake to see it.
-Were you conscious during the experiments? Even a small part of it?-
She instantly burst into tears, breathing heavily and in a difficult way. Vincent recognized the beginning of a panic attack and grabbed her hand, holding it firmly into his own.
-It's over.- he said, trying to speak in his calmest tone -You will never have to endure something like that again. I just need to…-
He couldn't finish his sentence because she threw herself over him, clinging desperately onto his shoulder, almost like she had done when he was still in his coffin. Vincent went stiff like a piece of wood, his muscles almost hurting for the sudden effort. He wanted to be everywhere else, but he was there and he had no choice but to hold her and try to calm her down. So he bit his lower lip and laid his hands on her back, just below her shoulders, hoping to communicate a sense of safety.
-Please, breathe deeply and count backwards from 20 to 1.- he whispered. She was now crying very loudly and hitting his chest with her forehead repeatedly. He was not in pain, of course, but she could have hit herself pretty badly against his clothes' straps.
Since it didn't seem to work and he was risking a panic attack himself, Vincent began counting for her, at first with a shaky voice. As the numbers decreased he got calmer and surer of what he was doing and, by the time he had arrived to 11, she had started following him with a low and trembling voice. At the end of the counting she was almost unconscious and he was promising to himself that he would have never touched another living being for the rest of his life. It was simply too much for him. He couldn't do it.
-I'm sorry- she said, her voice only a low whisper against his chest.
Vincent felt the heat of her breath spread through the cloth of his clothes. He felt exhausted as he usually did after a long fight or after Chaos took control over his body. He was actually quite surprised that the demon had not taken him over in that situation, since he was almost sure it was more likely to happen when he was in absolute distress.
-Don't be.- he replied, finding out his own voice was also nothing more than a tired whisper. He felt sorry enough for both of them. He was so weary. The muscles of his back ached a little for the tension and the effort of keeping himself seated while she leaned over him. She was very light, actually, her thin body felt nearly weightless, but he was almost crushed by the psychological weight of having another person between his arms. He wished to retreat but, despite looking very much like a dead thing, she was surely conscious and he could not simply move her away like a pillow. Her fingers were holding the cloth so tightly on his shoulders that he could feel the shape of her nails in his skin. She clearly needed to be right were she was.
After a while, the girl removed her face from his chest and looked up to him.
-I'm so sorry…- she muttered, letting go of his clothes and holding herself up from his body. Vincent felt a chilly sensation where she had previously laid and looked closely while she stood up from his bed and crawled slowly on her own. She laid there under the blankets, facing the wall and showing Vincent her back. He waited for a few minutes to see how the situation would evolve but she was motionless and silent. Maybe she had fallen asleep or she was too tired to deal with him anymore. Vincent felt like he was ten years older than one hour before.
When he stood up and tried to shake all those feelings out of his body, he checked one last time if she reacted in some way to his movements. Nothing happened and he felt the urge to go out, maybe even out of the whole building, in the street, and take a big deep breath of fresh air. Then, he had to talk to Tifa and Cloud. He had not discovered much, but he desperately needed to interact with someone who was not on the brink of a mental breakdown.
