AN: I'm so sorry for the long delay. However, I am happy to report that my mother has returned home after a long recovery process. She literally JUST came home, so we've kind of been living in limbo for a few months! Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes. They have meant so much to me!
This chapter was like pulling teeth to write. I hadn't planned on including it, but my beta mentioned it and I couldn't stop thinking about it. When I read though my plans for the next few chapters without this chapter it felt very abrupt and kind of mean on Clark's behalf. So I wrote it. It's somewhat of a rehash of what you already know from Age 25: Loss, but I hope you find some new information seeing it through Clark's eyes rather than Jason's. I PROMISE that the next few chapters will be all new stuff you've never known happened because, well, they didn't have much to do with Jason! I have about two years to fill now and Jason is nearly oblivious to it all.
Thanks for reading and sticking with me.
In Memorandum
"More!" the little voice said.
"I don't know, buddy. I think you're going high enough." I said, giving another push on the swing.
"No, more! Gwanpa go more!"
I tried not to react to the statement, but I couldn't help it. In Eric's world and limited vocabulary, "Grandpa" was Richard and "Clark" was… well, Clark. He was too young to understand any differently. Hearing him talk about Richard as his "grandpa" always hurt a little, but it was more pronounced today. Being the perceptive child that he was, Eric noticed.
"Be bad?"
I gave the swing another soft push. "I'm okay. Don't worry about it, buddy."
There was a moment as the swing went to and fro and to and fro before Eric said, "Gwanpa…heaben?"
Side stepping what would be a totally incomprehensible discussion on theology with a sixteen month old, I simply said, "Yes, Eric. He's in heaven."
"Daddy sad."
I nodded and gave him another soft push.
The door slid open and Kate walked out onto the deck. "You guys doing okay?"
"Mommy!" Eric squealed and held his arms out to her.
"We're doing fine," I said, patting the toddler's bottom again as the swing came back to me. "How's everything going in there?"
She sighed deeply and walked toward us. "Okay, I guess. Lots of tears and hugs and stories." She squinted up at the sun, shielding her eyes with her hand. "Gorgeous day though."
In a mocking fit of irony, the sun decided to shine brightly on the day of Richard's funeral. It really was an absolutely beautiful day, and yet it felt like a black rain cloud hovered somewhere above us ready to strike at any minute. In a way, I wish it had. Rain and grey skies were so much more befitting to the atmosphere of the day.
The church had been filled to capacity for the funeral. I'd overheard Lois explaining that even though Richard wasn't particularly religious, it was one of the only places large enough to accommodate the many people who wished to pay their respects. I wondered, however, at how much arguing or money it took to get the minister leading the services to narrow down his Biblical references and stick with more secular words of hope and encouragement. Perry gave the eulogy, proving to everyone just how brilliant a writer he was and why he held the position of editor-in-chief of one of the country's top newspapers. I thought that Jason might say something, but he chose not to. He didn't even play a piano piece, which I thought was odd considering that Richard was one of Jason's biggest fans.
The burial was even more difficult than the actual funeral. I'd only been to two other grave side services, and those were for my parents. In both of those cases I couldn't take my eyes off of the casket, trying to remember every detail of the face and the life of the person inside. However in this instant, all of my focus and attention was on the people left behind. My eyes flitted between Lois and Jason, lingering longer on Jason and wanting more than anything for him to look back at me with any amount of warmth in his eyes.
I kept my distance from the family at the wake. I found a corner in the living room where I could be out of the way and more or less forgotten while condolences were offered by those around me. The last thing I wanted to do today was cause any kind of disturbance, so remaining as invisible as possible made it easy to slip out unnoticed when I heard some cries for help. Three careless mountain climbers, two brutal car accidents, and one egotistical burglar later and I just managed to slip back into my hiding place in the corner without anyone noticing.
It had been a long day for everyone. The person that had the most difficultly with the long hours, hushed voices, and limited play time was little Eric. He struggled in his mother's arms, wanting to be put down. Yet the moment she would set him on the floor he'd want to play and make a fuss. Jason held him for a while and eventually ended up taking him outside to play on the swing set. When he was called back inside to say good bye to a few guests, Kate was left to tend to the fussy child on her own yet again. Hoping to give her a moment to catch her breath, I offered to stay with Eric outside so she could say her own farewells and have a moment to herself. It thrilled me when my offer was received with such relief and thankfulness.
We'd been alone outside for a half hour or so when Kate joined us again.
"I think mostly everyone is going home now," she said.
"That's good. Lois should get some rest."
Kate frowned. "Yeah, but she shouldn't be alone. Jason has been worried about her and I agree. So we're going to spend the night. Maybe stay the weekend."
"That's good, too. I don't want her to be alone either."
"Pway wid Gwanma!" Eric said happily.
Kate offered him a sad smile. "Oh, sweetie. Grandma needs to rest. She won't want to play today. But I'm sure she'll be ready to play very soon."
"Gwanpa… heaben?" he repeated from earlier.
Kate stopped the swing and pulled Eric out of the seat to hug him. "Yes, sweetie. Grandpa's in heaven."
He pulled back to look at his mother and then at me. "Gwanpa… Clark?"
Kate's eyes flashed to mine. It was the first time he'd ever referred to me in that way.
Stunned, I said, "I didn't— I didn't say anything to him."
"It's okay," she sighed, kissing his cheek. "He's probably confused. Things like death and divorce are hard enough for us to understand as adults."
"Except that Lois and I aren't divorced."
I'm not sure why I said it. It just slipped off my tongue with no warning.
"Sorry. I shouldn't have—"
"It's okay," she said. "Like I said, things can be confusing."
She looked at me with an uncomfortable smile until Eric said, "Want Clark!" His chubby arms reached out to me.
Kate handed him over to me and he giggled a little. "Up!" he said, and I tossed him ever so slightly into the air. "No! UP!" he repeated pointing to the sky.
"Eric, sweetie, no," Kate started, but I stopped her.
"Shhhh," I said to Eric, putting a finger to my lips. "Remember our secret? Remember that we can't talk about special things?"
Eric imitated me by putting his own finger to his lips and echoing my "Shhhh."
"That's right. But I'll tell you what, if you're good for your mommy and daddy for the rest of the day, I'll come back and take your for a ride later. Maybe tomorrow?" I looked at Kate, "If that's okay with your mommy."
"Pwease?" Eric begged.
"Of course you can, Clark. And I appreciate that you watched him for me today."
"The pleasure was all mine," I said in all sincerity. I didn't get to spend a lot of one on one time with Eric, so this was a real treat.
"We should probably get back inside and see if they need anything," Kate said.
I carried Eric into the house expecting to find it still full of guests and stopped short when I came face to face with Lois and Jason standing in front of me all alone. Lois looked over at me with unchecked sadness, but without the contempt that is usually lying under the surface. On the other hand, Jason's eyes held no tenderness. In fact, he looked genuinely surprised to even see me.
I put Eric down and said, "Hey buddy, why don't you go to Mommy. Okay?"
"'Kay," Eric said as he scrambled toward his mother.
"I'm going to put him down for a nap," Kate said, taking Eric's hand and leading him up the steps.
Lois chewed on her lip in thought before looking at me and quietly asking, "Did you mean what you said earlier?"
"Yes," I said, holding her gaze. "Whatever you need."
She nodded in what I could only assume was her way of admitting that she did need help. "I think," she started, "that I need some time alone."
After the conversation I'd just had with Kate, I didn't think that was such a good idea. However, before I could protest Jason said, "Are you sure, Mom?"
"Yeah," she nodded. "I'm just going to lie down for a while."
I wanted to make sure she understood that she wouldn't be all alone in the house. I could give her some privacy, but I really didn't think she should be all alone. I was sure that my opinion would be met with protests if I stated it clearly, so instead I said, "I'll take care of everything," leaving the implication that I'd at least be around the house for a while left unspoken. "Don't worry," I added.
"Thank you, Clark." And then she smiled. It was a small smile, but it was a smile all the same. There was a warmth behind the smile that I had hadn't felt from her in years. I had to be imagining it, for it seemed virtually impossible for Lois to feel anything warm towards me on today of all days. This was her day of mourning.
She turned and headed up the stairs, never looking back. Whatever affection I thought I'd felt vanished with the realization that all she really needed from me was household assistance. I wasn't in a position to offer her any more comfort than that, and she wouldn't request it of me. The person she had always turned to in times like this was gone, and she would mourn that loss for a long time.
Jason's sharp voice penetrated my thoughts. "What exactly are you 'taking care of'?"
I didn't understand his anger. "Cleaning up," I replied truthfully.
The venom I saw in his face faded away as he glanced around the house and took in the state of chaos left behind. What did he think I was going to do? And why would that thought have made him angry? And why did he look guilty now for having thought it? No matter how hard I tried I wondered if I would ever understand how Jason's mind worked.
"Do you need help?" he said, which again left me baffled. He'd teased me several times about how long it would take me to clean up my apartment or move furniture or do any common, menial task that would normally take a human several hours to accomplish. Maybe he was just trying to be nice. But again, it left me wondering why.
"No," I said. "Thank you, but I'll take care of it. Go and be with your family." It cost me quite a bit to say that last bit, and I wondered if it would mean anything to him that I recognized his family included Kate and Eric and Lois… but not me. I was biological family, and not part of the family that he relied on for daily support. Even though we'd come so far in the last few years, Richard's death only drove home how far apart Jason and I really were from each other emotionally.
I wanted to tell him how sorry I was. I wanted him to know that I understood what he was going through. Kate had encouraged me to talk to him. Maybe now was a good time, when we were alone and could speak openly about things that normally had to remain secret.
"Jason—" I said as he turned to head up the steps.
But he didn't want to hear it. "Don't," he said, unable to face me. "I can't. Not yet." I watched him retreat up the steps, certain that Kate would give him the comfort he needed.
For a few minutes I simply took in the mess surrounding me. Plates, cups, flowers, cards, chairs… all in places where they didn't belong. Even me. I didn't even belong. Richard was gone and I was here in this house that he'd lived in with Lois and Jason. How could I have thought it a good idea to stay behind and help? It felt as if I were violating the very memory of the man who had lived in this place. But the offer had been made and I had to finish the task I said I would. So I picked up a few plastic plates and tossed them in the garbage.
Footsteps quietly but quickly coming down the steps caught my attention. Jason sped out of the house and climbed into his car without explanation.
"Jason?" Kate said, running down the steps after him. She looked at me. "Where did he go?"
"I don't know. He didn't tell you?"
"No." Her gaze was fixed on the front door. "He won't talk to me. He won't talk to anyone. I'm worried about him, Clark."
I was worried, too.
She turned to me and asked, "Can you follow him?"
Yes, I could follow him. The question was – should I follow him? Jason had said in the past that he plays the "I want to be alone card" just to see if I would really leave him alone. But I knew that there were times when a person really did need to be alone to think and clear their mind. Just like Lois needed solitude, I felt that Jason probably needed it, too. Then again, needing solitude didn't mean you had to be completely alone with no one near you who cared about you.
"I'll follow him, but I'll just watch," I offered. "I won't interfere with whatever he needs to do, but I'll just watch and make sure he's okay."
Kate sighed in relief. "That would make me feel so much better."
The plates and cups and flowers would just have to wait. With a quick change of clothes I was soaring up above the Earth, my ears focusing on Jason's racing heartbeat. He drove for a while, recklessly over stepping the speed limit by quite a mark. Then, to my surprise, he eventually pulled the car over and started to run. Where he was going was unknown. I don't even think he knew where he was going. He was just running. It was the type of run he's only been allowed to do a few times in his life. A real run. An inhumanly fast run.
And then he slowed down and eventually stopped. His breath was ragged and soon he was coughing. The wheezing sound emanating from his throat was reminiscent of the asthma attacks of his childhood. As much as I longed to go to him and tell him everything would be okay, I restrained myself and stayed hidden behind the trunk of an enormous tree several hundred feet away.
He seemed to calm down slightly just before a hideous, almost unnatural sound ripped from his throat. With his face buried in the crook of his arm he cried openly and loudly. It took more strength than I could have ever imagined to stay where I was and not go to my son. He was hurting in a way that couldn't be easily cured. I knew that from personal experience. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and make him understand that he wasn't alone. Yet I couldn't. I didn't dare.
Slowly, after a long while, Jason's tears began to dry up and he sat up to take in his surroundings. He would be okay. It would take him a long time to really move on, and he'd always hurt when he thought of Richard, but I knew from my own experience that eventually he would be okay.
Confident that he wasn't in any real danger and that he'd return home now that he'd let his emotions out, I decided that I should return to Lois's house before Jason spotted me. But, just as I was ready to leave, Jason said, "I know you're there. You can come out now."
He didn't sound too pleased that I was there. I glanced down at my outfit and decided that he'd be even less pleased to see Superman than he would to see Clark, so I changed quickly before stepping out to talk to him.
"I'm sorry," I offered. "I knew you wanted to be alone."
"Then why did you follow me?"
"Kate."
He nodded in understanding and said, "I just wanted some space. "I wasn't going to hurt myself, if that's what she was worried about."
"No, she just wanted to know where you were." Testing his limits, I added, "I was worried about you, too."
"I'll be fine," he said apathetically, lying down on the ground.
Yes, eventually he would be fine, but he wasn't fine right now. Boldly I said, "I know what you're going through, Jason."
"No, you don't," he snapped.
"Yes, I do. I know what it is to lose a father."
"Having your father die on another planet when you're a baby isn't the same as this. You didn't grow up with him. He didn't raise you," he snarled. "So don't even dare compare Dad to Jor-El."
"I wasn't," I corrected, hoping that the abhorrence Jason felt for Jor-El wouldn't be reflected on Jonathan Kent. I'd once mentioned him to Jason, but he'd clearly forgotten. If I explained how similar our situations were in losing our father's maybe he wouldn't be so angry with me. "I had another father – an adoptive father – a father who raised me and loved me and meant the world to me." I walked up to him and sat down next to him, longing for whatever closeness he would allow. "My dad died when I was eighteen, Jason. It was a heart attack. One minute I was talking to him about school and joking around and the next minute…" I left the sentence unfinished. "He died right there in front of me. Even with all the amazing powers I had, there wasn't anything I could do to save his life."
He considered my words for a long moment before saying, "I'm sorry I snapped at you, but this is… I mean, I never thought…"
"You have every right to be angry, Jason. I just don't want you to feel alone."
His anger flared back to life. "Well, sorry, but that's exactly how I feel. He was my dad. He always knew exactly what to say. He never made me feel…"
And there is was, plain and simple. Richard was Jason's dad and he always would be. I may have been part of giving him life, but I would never be a part of his life the way Richard had been. Even though Jason had scolded me for it and encouraged me to be more involved, I would never be able to do enough to make up for what had been lost. The most frustrating part of it all was that the main reason I couldn't be more of a real father to him was because he wouldn't let me. But I couldn't say that to Jason. Not when he was feeling this torn.
"I'm not here to take Richard's place," I stated, hoping to ease the tension. "That was never my intention."
The snort that came from Jason challenged me.
"Jason, I never stopped him from being your father. I never took you away from him. He was your family right from the start, and I wasn't. I fully acknowledge that Richard raised you – that you think of him as your father and that I'm just…" What? I didn't know how Jason wanted to define me right now.
Summing up what I was feeling, Jason said, "This is so confusing." Then he added, "I've spent the majority of my life worried about the wrong father."
That confused me. "What do you mean?"
"I've always been worried about you," he admitted. "Worried about how to talk to you, how to be around you, how to please you, all so that you won't… leave me… again. I fought for you… when I should have been more focused on him."
I didn't have a response for that. I knew Jason fought when he was younger to impress me… but I didn't know it was his attempt to keep me here. He thought I would leave him if he didn't please me? The very idea left me dumbfounded.
His next words pulled me from my thoughts. "I can't even remember the last time I told him I loved him."
"Oh, Jason, he knew," I said. "He knew."
"I find it ironic that he thought of himself as my 'other' father and that you were my 'real' father… when you are sitting here telling me that you feel you are the 'other' father." He pushed himself up. "I just feel like I'm going around in circles sometimes."
I nodded in agreement. "I have felt that way on so many occasions. I think that's just part of life."
"Is that your fatherly advice?" he grumbled.
As careful as I had tried to be, I couldn't contain my frustrations any longer. They had to be vented before I really snapped and said something I'd regret. "What do you want from me, Jason? Talk about going around in circles, you've repeatedly told me that you want me in your life, and yet you still keep me at a distance. Do you want me to be your father, or not? Because this is the only way I know how to do it." I knew I would probably pay for saying that, but I just couldn't keep it in much longer. "I'm not Richard. I wasn't there from day one earning your trust. I have to do it the hard way now, and so far I think I've done everything that you've asked of me. I know you're confused, but I want to be here. I am willing to help in any way possible, you just have to tell me."
Jason appeared taken aback for a moment. "I didn't mean to make you think you had done something wrong," he offered. "You've been great. What's confusing me right now is that I just don't know where to go from here. As crazy as this may sound, Dad made things work around here."
"Do you mean, you're having difficulty defining our relationship now that Richard isn't here to act as a buffer?"
"Yes," he sighed, sounding somewhat relieved.
"I can accept that. "But I'm not going to take myself out of the picture just because you aren't sure where I fit," I said, remembering what Kate had told me a few days ago.
To my own relief he said, "I don't want you out of the picture. I just want…"
His desire was blatantly obvious. "You want Richard back."
He nodded silently.
"I hope you know that if I could have done anything, I would have."
"I know."
"I do love you, Jason," I said in total honesty. "No one expects this to be easy for you. But there are so many people in your life that can help you get through this. Your mother – Kate – me…and Eric needs you."
"Kate!" He nearly jumped out of his skin. "Was she really angry at me? I kind of just ran out."
"Kate was worried about you. Remember, she lost her mother unexpectedly. She knows what you're feeling. And you're her husband – and you're in pain. She wants to help you, that's all."
He seemed to completely come alive again at the very thought that he'd upset Kate in anyway and stood to brush himself off. "I guess I should head back, then. I didn't mean to cause such a fuss."
"It's no fuss."
He took a moment to glance around and said, "Where are we, anyway?"
He really had no clue. "Upstate New York."
Eyes wide, he said, "You're kidding!"
"You ran for a long time."
"I guess so."
I doubted he would take me up on it, but I had to at least offer. "You want a lift back to your car?"
"No, I'll make it back on my own. I need some time."
The smile he gave me reaffirmed what I thought earlier – he would eventually be all right. It would take a while, but he'd get there.
Carefully, again testing the waters of his willingness to let me in, I moved forward to give him a hug. I had wanted to hug him from the moment I'd heard Richard had died, but I knew my hug wouldn't be accepted. Now, however, all I had to do was open my arms slightly and he willingly welcomed my embrace. Not wanting him to think I was being too over the top with my concern and affection, I only hugged him for a moment before pulling away.
I left him then, but not as immediately as he thought. I watched him from above for a while until he started to walk back towards his car. I figured if he couldn't find it he'd give a yell for me.
Considering that I'd left Lois' house before finishing the promised task of cleaning, I hurried back there to get the job done before Jason returned. Kate came down soon after I arrived to ask about Jason. I assured her that he was going to be all right and that he'd be back soon. Even though she looked relieved, she still continued to pace in Jason's old bedroom until he did come back. Lois, I noted, had fallen asleep in a chair in her bedroom. She'd have a terrible crink in her neck if she stayed that way, and I briefly wondered if I should move her into her bed, but quickly discarded the thought. I had no business being anywhere near the bedroom she had shared with Richard. Instead, I worked quietly and a little more slowly than usual so that I wouldn't disturb her.
Just as I placed the last garbage bag in the bin outside, I heard Jason's car come around the corner. I didn't want him to think I was spying on him yet again, so I took off into the sky to hover a safe distance overhead. I watched as Jason went into his mother's room, gently lifted her out of the chair, and placed her on her bed. Just as it should be. It was his place, not mine, to care for her now.
As he walked into his own room and hugged his wife, I flew off into the night. Alone.
