NB: Cadvan/Dernhil slash!! You can thank Ingu for putting the idea in my head on sffworld…yes, this contains homosexuality, so if that offends you look away NOW and please don't flame me afterwards, I did give you fair warning. None of the characters belong to me. This is written on the spot, so forgive any typos or crap-os…I happen to quite like this fic…but then I am a fag-hag…
Enjoy! :)
My Friend
He didn't want to do it. He stood outside the door for ages, staring blankly at the doorknob, telling himself that he had to do it, wishing he did not. He had become such a coward, he thought, ever since the…
No. Not ever since Ceredin's death. He had been a coward before that. He had always been a coward. A cowardly, selfish, arrogant boy who couldn't see past his own ambitions, who had been so engrossed in himself that he had forgotten everything else, everyone else…
And now she was dead, and he had been her killer. He was the reason she no longer breathed on this earth, he was the reason her voice did not sound in the corridors of Lirigon anymore, he was the reason that the entire School was in mourning, it was all him, him, him and his ridiculous cowardliness. And that man behind that door was an innocent in all of this, as innocent as Ceredin had been, and as undeserving of his pain as she also, and even with all Cadvan had been through, he still could not muster up the courage to go in there and say the simple words…
I'm sorry.
How inadequate those words were, he thought grimly. How foolish and silly and stupid those two little words were. I'm sorry. He had been saying it since he had woken into this nightmare, to Nelac, to Ceredin's parents, to Ceredin's friends, to even the lifeless form of Ceredin herself, saying those idiotic words which meant nothing to them…
He could not say what he felt. He could not tell them exactly how sorry he was, there were no words for it, no words could possibly be created ever to explain how he felt…
I'm sorry. A ridiculous thing to say. A tiny thing to say. The only thing that he could say.
He put his hand on the doorknob and twisted it, opening the door and peeking through before he could run away.
The room was lit, but it was with the grey light of dawn, draining everything of colour. He lay in a bed in the middle of the room, propped up on pillows, a white cover tucked tightly around him, his naked chest bandaged up, his eyes on the window where the dull light was streaming through. He turned his head at the sound of the door opening, and smiled a smile as faint and as pale as a ghost's.
He looked deathly, Cadvan thought. Deathly, and it was all his fault.
"Dernhil," he said.
The dark eyes remained steady on him, the smile stayed in place. Cadvan looked quickly at the ground, waiting for Dernhil to realise fully who it was standing there and scream for him to get out, get out and never see me again like he had been doing in Cadvan's nightmares…when he slept.
"Come in," said Dernhil. His voice was scratchy but clear.
Cadvan stared at him, for the moment dumbfounded.
"D – don't you want me to leave?"
"Why?" That same ghost of a smile flitted across his handsome features. "You've just got here."
Their eyes locked properly, and Cadvan realised for the first time just how wrong he had been about this man. He had seen him as a competitor, a rival for Cadvan's place, nothing more. A selfish, grabbing fool. But he was not like that at all. He was a true gentleman. He was a true poet. He was kind, and it wasn't a forced kindness, it was a proper, heart-felt kindness that welled up from the very depths of his being and which he aimed at everyone. He was a man who could see the best in everyone. He was a man who could smile at the person who had scarred him for life, and intentionally as well.
He was nothing like Cadvan. He was better. And Cadvan realised now that he had known this all along, and that was why he had hated him. No one could be better than Cadvan. But Dernhil was.
"By the Light," he heard himself say, and then he realised he was stumbling into the room, up to Dernhil, crouching desperately on the end of the bed. "By the Light, Dernhil, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry – "
Those foolish words again. But he meant them. How he meant them.
"It's fine." His words made Cadvan's throat go dry, and he stared bitterly down at the white covers beneath his hands, his eyes blurring with hot tears.
"No it's not," he rasped out. "You cannot just let this go, you cannot be so good to me, I've scarred you and I've killed her, and I did it and I did it and you can't just – "
His voice gave out in a strange strangled sob and it was only when tears dropped onto his hands that he realised he was crying.
"Cadvan…" Dernhil's hand came out of nowhere and squeezed Cadvan's damp, sweaty one clutching at the covers, then let go gently.
Cadvan forced back his grief with every atom of his will, though he could not look up at Dernhil again. He could see the bandage on Dernhil's side at the corner of his eye, reminding him cruelly of what he had done.
He raised his head and stared at it, at the glaring white patch on Dernhil's chest, running all the way from his hip to his shoulder.
"Does it hurt?" he whispered.
Dernhil glanced at his side, then back at the struggling man on the end of his bed.
"It did at first, but it's all right now."
"You'll be scarred."
"Yes, but its better than it looks."
"No. It's not. It never should have – I never should have – in the first place – and now they – and she's – and you – "
"Cadvan, come on."
"No, you don't - !" He bit his lip to stop himself from crying out completely, inwardly furious at himself for letting go like this, for being so out of control when he always always kept everything bottled up, always kept that calm, arrogant, confidence exterior. Nothing ever made him lost control like this, not ever.
He swallowed hard and let go of the covers, which he had been twisting viciously in his hands.
"I saw you as my rival," he murmured to the bed as a doomed man would murmur to his judge. "I thought only to show that I was better than you. And in so doing I have unleashed Darkness on the world, and I have killed her and I have scarred you. I have proven nothing except that I am worse than you - and by leagues. And she died for me to realise it, and I will never forgive myself, Dernhil, I won't."
Dernhil's hand appeared again and this time brushed Cadvan's jaw with light, frail fingers.
"You are too hard on yourself, my friend."
My friend…He had called Cadvan, who had only hated him and hurt him, his friend. How could he possibly survive being so good like this, so forgiving?
"I am not," he whispered. "I am a murderer. I am a monster."
"Cadvan," Dernhil said. "Would you look at me?"
Cadvan hesitated, biting the inside of his cheek so hard that he could taste blood on his tongue, then glanced up at Dernhil, sitting before him shrouded in white like some sort of immortal Elidhu, eyes dark with pity. He stared as an avant worshipper would stare at their god personified in front of their eyes.
"You are too hard on yourself," Dernhil said steadily. "You are a good man by far. You have learnt from this. There are many in this world who would not have learnt, who would have twisted this situation in their heads and turned to the Darkness. You do not. You feel shame. You feel guilt. There are those in this world who will never feel guilt. They are the monsters. You are not. You made a mistake, that is all. It was an accident."
"I killed her," Cadvan said hoarsely, unable to pull his gaze away from Dernhil's.
"Yes, but you would never have done it on purpose. You love her."
Cadvan's self control almost slipped again at that word. He bowed his head, weighed down once more by his grief, and could only lift his head when Dernhil's fingers moved under his chin and did it for him.
They stared at each other, both through blurred vision and eyes glazed with tears.
"I don't know how you can forgive me so," Cadvan whispered.
Dernhil smiled that same ghostly, kind, sad smile.
"I forgive you because you are a good man who has done bad things. I would not forgive a bad man who did bad things."
"There are many who will not forgive good men either."
"That is true, my friend. You shall have to live with that."
"I will. I don't care. I deserve it."
"I wish you didn't," Dernhil said quietly.
Cadvan's heart – which had been pounding wildly in his chest for no reason up until now – skipped a beat suddenly. He realised he was not trembling with guilt anymore, but for another reason.
"I'm sorry." He realised he was apologising – again. "I'm not – I've never been so – out of control."
"My friend." It was said with new tenderness.
"Am I?" Cadvan choked.
"Oh yes." Dernhil's face was suddenly inches from his. "Always."
Either he moved forward or Cadvan did, he was never quite sure who did what, but either way, Dernhil's lips were suddenly covering his, warm and soft and full. It was not a tentative kiss, or a faint one, it was confident and sweet, and it made the very blood in Cadvan's veins shiver.
They sat like that for a long, silence moment, in that grey, bright room, with Dernhil in his white and Cadvan crouching underneath him, their lips pressed together. Then Dernhil slowly moved back and his fingers left Cadvan's chin and the spell broke.
Cadvan let his head fall heavy again and stared blankly at the bed. Dernhil waited for him to speak, and when he did it was in a croak.
"Can I – come back again?"
Dernhil laughed out loud, a merry sound and brighter than anything else in the room.
"Of course! You are my friend!"
Cadvan scrambled off the bed, his head still down, and walked softly to the door. He opened it, then paused and looked back at Dernhil sitting in his soft, white bed.
"Yes," he said. "I am."
And he smiled.
It was a weak, rather wobbly smile, muscles twitching at the long-abandoned action, but it was still a smile. And it was a start.
He left, quietly shutting the door behind him.
Yes, Dernhil mused. It was a smile. It was a start. It would be hard, but it would get better.
It was a start.
What do you think? I actually never really warmed to Dernhil much before I wrote this, but now I realise just how forgiving he had to be to Cadvan and that makes me like him a whole lot more! I'm not sure if the characters were spot on, but then they were both struggling through grief in this scene…
I could write about this scene all day, it has inspired me! Please review, I love criticism!!
