"No."
Maka squatted closely with her hands on both of Jackie's shoulders, staring intently into her eyes with conviction. She braced herself again as Jackie tried, as Jackie threatened to combust, but no fire leapt from her fingers nor did it lick against Maka's still very cool skin. It didn't appear since that night.
She repeated her word again, that word, that horrid denying word that brought on another wave of rage, of hurt, of loneliness in Jackie.
She couldn't understand, couldn't believe why it was such a bad thing to believe in miracles, in emotions, in the truth. But still, she had to try, to tell them that she wasn't wrong, that she hadn't felt the sudden chill of the wind, that it was instead real. Kim was real.
She was here, she was alive, she was real.
Her dream told her as much, that dreadful dream that pushed her back into the world, to find her, to find Kim. She never left Jackie, never abandoned her, never tossed her aside like a broken match, taking the pain upon herself, falling… falling…
But she was here now, she was alive, she was real.
There was no forgetting such a touch of life, such a grand wisp of magic that ran through the resonance whenever they touched mind, body, and soul. How could Jackie ever pretend to not recognize the fingertips of her own partner as it grazed her heart, marking it as her own, bewitching her? How could she ever stand to ignore the signs, to reject Kim's plea for her weapon to return to her, to lose the memory of the spark of a connection, of her love?
She was as familiar as the creek that ran through her old home, as clear as the sky above her head as she once danced on the beach, kicking up sand wherever she went, as iridescent as the forest of elves and of the leaves that refracted light in every which way as they flew together through the branches, working together to plant the fire of life onto the toxin ridden soil, curing the curse of another witch, as pure as the waves from which she fell.
But she was here now, she was alive, she was real.
How could Jackie hope to convince the girls who danced with death, who slayed demons before and who have seen death knock at their doors with a cup of their blood, to plead to them that the one that Jackie had lost wasn't truly lost? They'd seen the departure of souls with their own eyes, hell, Maka has seen so much more with her special eyes, but but but but-
"No."
There it was again, and there was the next shake on her shoulders as small hands gripped her, and there was the desperation laced voice again, telling her no no nononono-
"Stop, Jackie. Stop. Enough is enough."
"Maka, if you could feel what's in my heart, that her soul is still there, how it latches onto mine and how it burns me. Please, Maka! Look into it! See that she's there, that Kim is here!"
"Senpai, you're scaring me." The arms around her waist tightened, still trembling. "Stop. Stop, please just stop."
But she couldn't stop, she couldn't let go of that hope she still helplessly clung onto, that little piece of her heart that still beat for a reason, and that reason was this.
"Kim is here. Kim is alive. Kim is real!"
"No, she's gone. She's dead. She's no longer with us."
"Check my soul, Maka. Check and see that she is, that I wasn't dreaming, that I was right and that Kim is still here within me. Maka, please check-"
"I did."
She felt a wetness drip onto her lap, running down her thigh like melted snow. Her vision refocused, and she saw that it wasn't her own tears that fell.
"I've known loss. I've known death, Jackie. I see it. I see their soul slipping through the cracks of their tattered bodies. I see it escape through an unlocked cell where it was once kept in captivity, and I see it when it meets the air for the first time. It floats, disperses, spreads its fading life back into the ground where it once came.
"I can see who's here, who's alive, and who's real. I can see the bright blue auras that glow in every person beside me, that flicker, that grow. I see the beauty, the lovely, the breathing. I see it, I can see it all, and I know, I do.
"I've seen how a soul can become lost, become mangled and corrupted beyond repair, becoming the very monsters that we slay. I've seen the black of evil, the black of their eyes as they can't recognize who they are, the black of their blood. I've seen them rip at themselves, tearing their own skin as they struggled to remember, and finally enclosing themselves where no one will ever reach them again, as if they were unworthy of seeing the light ever again. And that is how I've come to know loss.
"And I know, Jackie. I know it's hard. I know! But-"
Maka's voice broke there. She couldn't continue, couldn't bear to. And at this, Tsugumi's arms finally loosened, dropping to her hips as she dropped tears into the ground, because she had known loss, too.
They knew.
They were still grieving. They knew the loss of a friend and of a colleague. They knew, and they knew well how badly their hearts wanted to spill into the ground like their own fallen peers. They knew of the sleepless nights and of the sleepful days and how the sun could never be a realm of the loved and the innocent.
Jackie wasn't the only one who lost Kim. Jackie was only one in a hundred, of a thousand, of a million. How blind was she to have thought that she was the only one in mourning, caught in their own blankets as they shed their hurt and their fears. They all had loss, had pain, had their own sins that they carried with their guilt.
So they cried.
They wept their frustrations and their anger, wailing their bleeding hearts on a stake. They let their love fall willingly, hitting the ground in a pitter patter, just like rain. It was pouring and they were the storm, crackling and thundering with neglected hearts and a feverish need and longing.
Maka wasn't super human; she was just as young as Jackie, as young as Tsugumi, as young as Crona, as young as Kim.
And even long after Tsugumi had held her breath in efforts to stop her raspy breathing, and even long after Maka squeezed her fists against her side and gritted her teeth as her last drop fell, Jackie still went on.
But somewhere in the middle, she cried not for those who they've lost, but those who could have been saved, for those who sacrificed and for those who were selfless. Jackie cried for those in the darkness, who gave themselves up so that their loved ones could stand in the light.
But then somewhere in between that left a single name that rang as untrue, that toyed with her, that reminding her of the squeeze in her soul she only felt moments ago. It left her broken, shattered further, feeling like she really was going insane from grief.
She was slipping into another wave of hysteria, another headache that left her spinning and dizzy and angry. Her hands shook and her throat throbbed, because she was surrounded with the madness of solitude and it was swallowing her whole.
And still she hoped. She wanted a sign instead of only silence that mocked her every scream. She needed to be proven true, that her heart didn't betray her.
So she prayed. She bargained, promising to sign her own soul to a life of wandering so long as she was back, swearing upon her years that she would forever search for her if she answered her. She would've done whatever it took, whatever it was to find her again. Until both deaths will they part.
Then in the midst of it all, it became tears of relief, of comfort, of longing, and even as her friends held her, she felt another embrace that struggled to hold her, to touch her, to cry along with her.
A drop of rain fell from the cloudless sky, rolling down the side of her cheek, just down her temple, and into her waiting palm.
She wasn't wrong.
Kim was here. Kim was alive. Kim was real.
And even as Tsugumi tugged her to her feet, and even as Maka picked up the spilled, discarded cups of sun-warmed smoothies, even as they reminded her once more for good measure as they walked home.
"I don't worry about the dead, but I hurt for the living. You're alive, Jackie. Kim, she's not."
But she was.
She was real.
It'd been weeks since she stepped out of her room, and would take more weeks until she felt she would ever be ready again. After that day, after it was so clear, after she was so sure that Kim was still with her, she tried everything in her power to convince others, even after Maka and Tsugumi left her at her room since their lunch. She started to attend class again, but she found herself unable to talk about anything else but Kim. She blantly refused another partner, but attended her weapon classes as she normally did. Her assignments all came back to her with half marks, the half that would be filled with the score of a partner, but she ignored that emptiness, telling her teachers that she would make up the extra points later. She talked to her old friends, reminiscing along with them about the old missions she used to take, the school events that she used to enjoy, the duels she would fight in, with Kim.
Maybe she only attended school because of the days she used to roam the halls with another girl by her side, whispering about the rumors that floated through the school, giggling about how Sid would never need another haircut again, daydreaming about where they next mission should be. Maybe she attended her classes because of the people who sat around her, who still remembered the two seats that were normally occupied, who still kept a space open on Jackie's right, as if she were just gone on a bathroom break. Maybe she came because this way, she could relive her life as if Kim never left.
Eventually, she could only bring herself to talk about the future and the possibilities in her reach, telling anyone who would listen about the opportunities just in her reach. And eventually, she lost sight of reality, pretending that she was still in the past, the past where Kim still held her hand and where Kim still slept on her pillow. She spoke about her as if she were only on vacation, as if she were coming back next week, or at least soon. And eventually she pled with them that yes, Kim was still alive, even after they shunned her away, tired of her ramblings, no longer entertaining her fabrications. She was desperate. She must have looked crazed, deranged, delusional, but it would have all been worth it if she could just convince them that her partner was still here.
But she was met with pity, with a sad shake, and with disgust. "Are you making fun of us?" They would say. "Have you forgotten how many of us have lost their partners, too? Move on, Jackie. She's gone."
They walked away from her, leaving her in the shadows of herself and a girl they chose to leave behind in their dust. They kept moving on, walking towards their clear future, away from Jackie who still lingered in places long gone.
There was nothing she could say, nothing she could do to open their hearts.
It'd been months since the pairing disappeared on their mission, and it'd been months since Jackie came back home alone. It'd changed from winter, to spring, and now summer. Even if Kim was still alive, she would be dead now.
She wasn't coming home.
There was no sign of her on the earth, and not even Kid nor Maka, no matter how hard they tried to reach to all the four corners of the earth, could find Kim. Jackie had approached them one night in the Death Room, unable to sleep, still dressed in her pajamas, speaking to them in a low tone, asking for the truth, one last time. And they obliged, even performing a chain resonance despite their weariness, calling upon their combined powers of Death's Best Pair and Lord Death himself.
Jackie couldn't see souls, never could apart from the kishin eggs that she was fed from Kim's fingertips, but that night, she saw a burst of light that surrounded the two pairs, reminding her painfully what it was like to be in resonance.
It was wholeness and rightness with Kim - like she'd found her other half, like she was full to the brim with the heat of life and the brightness of the sun. It was like flying, like the breeze cutting through her hair and warm fingers lacing around her wrist.
Everything she'd been missing. Everything she'd been craving.
As it dimmed, they exchanged a look amongst the group, and the weapons, especially, lingered on each other. They all slowly shook their heads, unable to meet Jackie's eyes.
She really was gone.
And yet, Jackie wiped the sweat from her brow and laid in her bed, facing the window that radiated scorning heat from its little opening, still thinking about Kim, still holding onto the warm in her chest that filled the empty void. It was too bright, but she did nothing to stop the summer as it loomed into her room. Instead, she lay in her bed.
She was numb.
Even in the middle of the day, sleep tried to claim her again. Her eyes drooped and with it, her heart. Perhaps there really was no hope for her. She tried so hard to cope with her loss, no avail something to recover. She spent those stormy nights and those windy days wishing that any one of those sounds would be her, that her own voice would soon be added into that chaos, but she was caught at the eye of the storm, unable to move as everything was destroyed around her.
She was lost at sea... the same place where Kim was lost now.
She could still remember the day, still taste the salt on her lips and feel the dirt between her fingers. She felt the tingle in her fingers that clouded her fire when she touched the earth of the cliff. Even the wind tried to pick her up that day, to whisk her away where she would be deposited where the waves crashed into new terrain.
Elemental weapons were fickle, especially with the earth, and Jackie was no exception. Any disasters, phenomena, or miracles could never go unnoticed, not by those who have always watched and caused them. They felt the ley lines that ran through the ground, connecting them all throughout ancient times. Their powers grew stronger when they were exposed to them, and the opposite ran true when they were separated by great distances. And there were still areas where unexplainable occurrences could pop out of nowhere.
They told her it wasn't her fault.
But it was.
She closed her eyes, only to reopen them hours later that night.
She sprang up, shivering, holding herself so that her body wouldn't fall apart. It was wet. It was cold, and everything she touched felt like needles being shoved through her skin.
It was that dream again, always that dream where the water met her ankles and where Kim stood at a distance, asking her always to pay attention, to notice. But this time, the water was waist high- she could feel it rise, like the tide was coming in. Kim stood even further back, too, just half way under the water just as Jackie was. She could barely hear her voice now, could barely see her haunted eyes and her sad smile.
It was like she was sinking, deeper and deeper into the water.
Jackie held herself closer, hugging her knees just like how Kim did, back when she could watch her. She pressed her eyes against her knees and gripped the sides of her arms. Her shoulders shook involuntarily as she breathed and screamed, tried to gather herself into one piece and collect her thoughts. Her soul was being pulled and tugged and she was only one girl, one weapon.
It wasn't normal, it was trying to tell her something, something only she could feel. She couldn't stop dreaming about it, about her, and it was as if it were the only place she could meet her partner again. It talked to her, reminding her further of the night when they parted.
But enough was enough. Jackie didn't know what or who to believe anymore. She just knew that she felt so strongly, felt so confident that she could sense Kim as if they were right next to each other, deep in resonance. Her heart hummed a familiar song and her mind tingled from their contact, and yet it wasn't like their connection from so long ago. She didn't feel as if her entire being was on fire, it felt wet. She didn't feel like her heart was bursting with their joined love, the warmth was completely missing, and in its place was only darkness.
She felt incomplete; it was wrong.
The image of the sea side came back to her. It always did, mocking her for the night that changed everything, that ripped her only partner from right under her. The waves crashed in her ears and the heavy rain was still beating on her skin. If weather had a face, it would have been crying.
This time, Jackie didn't fight it off, and she stayed in that storm through the gale and on that cliff that threatened to break underneath her. And after a while of listening to the same noise, of reliving that same nightmare, the sounds passed and dissipated into background sound. What rose in its place though, was a voice.
It was Kim, calling for her, and how dare she ignore her for so long.
How could you leave me alone for so long.
Jackie flung open the window, barely registering that night had settled, and stepped out into the cool air, diving head first into a free fall.
