Ch.3 Do you want him to pay?

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.
Margaret Mitchell

Tears blurred my vision before I could slap on a straight face, my emotions had always betrayed me in the end. The clatter and conversation of the hall was now a dull hum, a stew of noise that had been added to one big pot of speech. I couldn't pick out one voice from another. Just a murmur of words, everyone talking at one time. It was deafening. He had begun to weave like a spider throughout the web of people, each step striking another harsh blow against my heart. What was he doing here? What was he doing here?! Edward's eyes were so wide with shock I imagined them exploding right then and there, trying desperately to keep me in sight while bringing himself closer. Closer.. I knew he couldn't dash over, he'd bowl over the crowd of students in the process. And just to get to me. It was shameful. Edward shouldn't be here, wasting his time on me like he had done before. I just wasn't worth it anymore. I wasn't sure I was ever worth it.

For once in Edward Cullen's life, he just wasn't fast enough. In seconds I was on the floor, my knees had buckled and I felt like I might lose my non-existant lunch. Everything was a tornado around me, creating a whirlwind of people, sounds, and pictures blurred together as if someone dumped a bucket of water on them, just to see what happened.

Nobody came to my rescue. Nobody living, that is. Everyone must've thought I was having another one of my fits, and it would blow over eventually. She'd get back up, they scoffed. Only I didn't. Only this was for real. Fear pumped adrenalin wildly throughout my body, matching the erratic beats of my heart thump by thump. Why couldn't I move? Why couldn't I make my body work? I felt like I was having a fucking seizure. His distraught, angelic face hovered in the center of vision, and I was lifted off the ground, right into his arms. No.. No! It wasn't supposed to happen like this. I didn't want him to take me away. My hands itched to lash out, to free myself from his embrace.

"I said no!"In a last, desperate attempt to break loose, I cried out, writhing within his arms. Put me down, I wanted to say. I didn't care if my eyes rolled into the back of my head and I puked my liver out, I just wanted release. No dice, sweets. Edward, in turn, tightened his grip to a barely breatheable squeeze.

"Hush. God, what have you done to yourself! I left because it was better for you, I had no idea you'd react so badly." I narrowed my eyes, grounding my teeth together. Fucking abuse. ABUSE! Unhand me, you villainous fiend! A familiar, rather annoying voice postponed my vain struggle. Doesn't a part of you want this, Isabella? You've craved his touch for a long time now, dont deprave yourself any longer.

"Oh, we are SO not having this conversation again." If I had finger-access, I'd probably shove them in my ears right about then. Edward fixed me with the strangest of looks. He had whisked us out of the school, and I was already strapped into his car. The driver's door was nearly ripped off, having been wrenched open with superman strength. Was he ever pissed. Edward's hand cupped my jaw, softly jerking it to observe my face, applying pressure to several distinct points in my forehead. He leaned in so close I could taste the sweet scent of his lips, all I had to do was just lean in and.. No. God, no. No, no, no, no, no. Do it, Bella. You deserve him. I dont. You do.

"I fucking dont!" My screams seemed to rock the car, causing Edward to lean back, startled.

"Bella, will you just-" Edward tried to say, but I kept screaming to try and stop the voice from continuing our little argument inside my head. He put his hand firmly over my mouth, to muffle the shrieks and stop them entirely. He sounded shocked that I had sweared. It would've amused me momentarily had the ringing in my ears been less severe.

"Mmf.. Ephhard whlphf you lephhee GU?!" Translation: Edward will you let me GO?! Responce: No. Of course he wouldn't. Here I was, screeching like a banshee as if actually fighting with someone, when it truth, I was raging war on myself. Whoever invented the phrase 'Never leave a man behind' should get shot. Bella was left behind. And look at me, the wreck who took her place. I look back at who I once was with regret. Regret that I just wasn't.. I dont know. I didn't know who I was anymore.

"Bella, stop this nonsense! Theres nobody here but you and me, who are you screaming at?" We were already halfway to his house, but I couldn't tell. I was too busy writhing between the lock of the seatbelt and the seat, crying and trying to make him remove his hand from my mouth. Calm down. My lips, still barricaded behind his icy skin, closed. I breathed. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. Thats it.. Calm. Enjoy the silence while you still can. Silence? What silence? All I could hear was the loud pounding noise in my ears, just as deafening as this morning. You're imagining the pounding, you're alright. Just breathe. I have a plan. Edward will take you back to his house, we'll leave from there. But I didn't want to go back to his house. My face must've been scrunched up with concentration, because Edward was looking at me as if I was retarded. He probably thought it a look of concern for the fact that I was talking to myself, only I wasn't, but he didn't know that, but I still took it like I was something entirely different from the person he once knew. God, why couldn't he had just changed me and be done with it?

"Bella.. Shut your eyes. Rest. We're nearly there." Although my body was shaking, and Edward's attempt to cool me down by turning up the air conditioning in the Volvo, I still felt flaming. I glanced down at my hands, their swift, jerky movements startling me. I hoped I wouldn't have another panic attack.. I could do without another one of those. Since Edward left me, I had had frequent visits from the.. Disease, as I have come to call it. I have no idea if panic attacks are diseases, I didn't bother looking it up. Like Charlie would let me access my email after crashing my truck. My truck.. Why had I crashed it again? The roads were slick, thats it. They were really icy. No, slick as in wet from the rain, its not winter yet. I didn't do it on purpose, I wouldn't. ..Would I?

Engrossed in thought, distracted by the vicious shaking of my body, I didn't feel myself being lifted from the seat, out into the open. It was cold, and what I unwillingly pressed myself to was even more chilled. I was out of breath, but before I knew it, Edward had dashed me into the house, bundled me up in blankets, and rested me on the couch in his room. He even found the time to pop my lullaby into his expensive stereo system. Did he honestly want me to throw up? I doubted I could deal with this pain without that music bringing even more painful memories back. Shut it off, shut, it, off. Thank the lord for Carlisle's entrance.

"Edward, do shut off the music, please." Carlisle shot a sympathetic glance in my direction. I would've stuck my tongue out, providing my teeth didn't feel like they were wired shut. He left me like everyone else. Once I could walk, I was out of there. I could almost feel Edward's approaching protest, but his father must've appeared very serious, and my ears were rewarded with silence. Thank you, Carlisle. My forehead was on fire, the scorching heat dulled by a cool washcloth. Thank you again, Carlisle. He was tutting around me now, forcing me to swallow a few pills, and instructing Edward to fetch more cool cloths. And that was all I remembered before my vision went fuzzy, and I collapsed, yet again.

Six hours later.

My eyes opened to a dark room, my body jolted up and fell back down, the room and my head spinning. Every morning, I rose like this, and fell, wakening as if there was something important about to happen, something I was missing. And speaking of had happened, if you could call it that. Edward had returned. Something warm and fuzzy, unwelcome emotion, perhaps? tugged at the walls I had erected around my heart. Jasper up to his old tricks, no doubt, trying to reduce the pressure in my head. Tough luck, sweets.

A grumble pushed out of my lips. It took precious time waiting for my eyes to adjust to the darkness, valuable time that I could be using to escape. The moment I could make out shapes in the black, I was out of bed, steadying myself, or was it assuring myself? that I wouldn't be caught. They would leave me alone. The Cullen's would let me leave. Right? Right? Fuck no. Here I was, wasting more time, such a precious thing so effortlessly wasted. I hadn't the minutes getting in the zone, it was time to get the hell out of there. Each unsocked toe inched nervously forward, descending across the cool wooden floor towards what I assumed to be the exit. It had to have been the door, what little light available had dull-ly reflected off a brass knob. Long, cool fingers wrapped around the handle, twisting it with such slowness I must've thought someone was going to jump out at me. Or the knob was going to light fire and burn my hand off. When did I get this paranoid, I ask you? Psh, I already know the answer. I couldn't wait any longer.

Throwing open the door, such light that answered blasted me so forcefully I fell back on my ass. The shadow of a man stepped in between me and the burning rays, a slight relief from its startling effect. I hissed, shrinking away from both, standing cautiously. Advancing step by step. Who greeted me, I ask you? Edward did. His face was so painfully beautiful, pale, longing, soft as it was. But I could not bring myself to look at it just yet. My gaze fell to the floor.

"Bella.." Edward's fearful voice began, shaking somewhat. Funny, funny as in ha-ha AND strange, I never figured it could do that. My legs found the courage to bring me forwards, towards the door. He would not stop me.

"Edward, let me go." I glared, appearing as final and firm as possible. So close I could've embraced him, I finally locked eyes with my betrayer. He looked so regretful now. Damn right. Edward's unbreakable grip fastened gentle, but tight, around my arms. Holding my body to his. When suddenly a new voice broke the air.

"Edward, let her go." Pretty little Alice was standing in the room, breathtakingly beautiful. Her skin shimmered like diamonds, just as Edward did that time in that place, so pretty, so deadly.. The vampire tightened his grip around my arms, which had thoroughly bruised. Not to mentioned paled to a point now that I might've been mistaken for a gorgeously beautiful vampire myself. Edward's eyes were incredulous as they glared at her, stunned.

"I cant do that, Alice." Edward's teeth ground together, muttering the very words I cursed under my breath. He shook me slightly, but I was frozen in the spot. His sister was going to get him to let me go?

"Edward." Alice began, growling right back, "I had a vision. You have to let. Her. Go." Firm, and final, her stern voice rang clear. She crossed her arms, mentioning to his white knuckles that were still wrapped around my shoulders. Slowly and reluctantly, he removed myself from his unbreakable grip, stepping back with sorrowful eyes. The last thing I remember doing before racing out the door was smiling at Alice. Sweet, peaceful Alice. Convincing Alice. Wonderful Alice. How high I thought of her, now that she helped me get what I wanted. Freedom. I should be so over Edward, but still, that little demon inside of me just couldn't let him go. The texture of his skin.. The scent of his breath. Oh god, I nearly hyperventilated right there, the sharp intakes of breath, how everything was spinning.. I couldn't breath, barely managing to gasp air into my system. Stumbling, my butt hit the grass, soggy and wet seeing as it was still raining.

I was having what I now know as a panic attack. My heart beats really fast, and it feels like I cant breathe. Everything seems to spin around..

I was alone sitting with my head between my knees, trying to figure out what was happening to me. Edward was back, Alice made him let me go, it was cold out. So confusing, so excrutiating..

Nightfall.

Startled by the loud, catlike footsteps that echoed across the pavement nearby, I raised my eyes, scanning around feverishly while still trying to breathe right. It was better now, it didn't hurt when I inhaled, so that was good. What stared straight back terrified me completely. Victoria and her frizzy red hair, and her bloody eyes, stared straight back. But instead of regarding me with disgust, she offered her hand to me, sympathy and something else glinting in those crimson eyes..

"My dear.." Victoria cooed, brushing a damp leaf off my shoulder, patting my cheek. "Do you want him to pay? Want Edward to taste your fury?" The question would've pierced my heart, had it pumped as wildly as it used to when but his name was mentioned. But it didn't. Without even realising how dangerous a situation I was in, I nodded, slowly but steadily, so sure I wanted him to die a thousand firey depths. I would make his life a living hell. Well suit up, fireman. Its going to get hot.

And then she bit me.