Lily was curled on her bed, her arms embracing her knees and her eyes gazing longingly at the stars through the window. She was in a blue pajamas, wide ones and her hair was pushed upwards, with soft curls escaping the almost pony tail. She remembered that day she asked her dad to move her bed beside the window so she could sleep with the sky above her head, so she could always be camping below the stars, and when she entered Hogwarts, it constantly reminded her of the great hall.
James made his way into the room, taking in a deep breath.
"Lily?" He asked, tentatively. His eyes fixed on her.
She turned her head to look at him, waiting. Her eyes showing wonder.
"I am not letting this happen." His glare was intense, boring into her green eyes, softly lit.
"Letting what happen?" She asked, cocking her head to the side, still looking at him with mild awe.
"Watching you," he said in a hushed voice "suffering that way."
"I'm not suffering." She simply said, the look on her face didn't change.
"I am gonna oblivate you."
Lily was quiet for a moment, her eyes suddenly sharpened, her mind seemed to have awaken again.
"What are you sayin-"
" I am gonna erase that summer. It never happened. Alice wasn't born at the first place to die! Your parents didn't leave you for two months all alone and completely broke with a sick baby girl to take care of! That man in the supermarket never tried to flirt with you, or bother you in anyway when you are trying to work hard to earn a living at sixteen! You weren't alone. Petunia got married at the end of the summer, staying with you all that time. .." He trailed off, as the words rushed from his mouth, his eyes blazing with all the possibilities he said, seeing them reflected in her eyes for a moment.
"No," she murmured. "no, you can't do that."
"Of course, I can." He replied quickly.
"You can't just modify my memory! People don't go erasing the memory of people they loved when they die! This is-" she struggled for a word "outrageous, out of border" Her breathes came in and out rapidly and sharply, as if she was running all along and she just stopped in her track. A look of horrification was on her face.
"Can't you see where you're heading Lily? you can't move on. I am gonna help you-"
"I don't wanna move on!"
"Lily, listen to me," He held her shoulders, clutching them forcefully and shaking her slightly, "All of this, all of this mess, it could be like it never happened. Nothing at all! you don't have to deal with any of this, or live the rest of your life with the burden of such time on your chest! I could see you, retrieving to your own shell somewhere I can't reach. I saw you throwing your badge! I know you are intending on following your initial plan, of giving up. You are not planning on going to Hogwarts. You are intending on missing this year, help your mum and dad pass the shock of losing their two-month-old daughter, indulging yourself in the muggle world, throwing off your magical powers!" He hissed, "Is that what you want?"
Lily said nothing, just looked at him, trying to digest all what he said. It was a hard task; a part of her mind was completely refusing even considering the idea, when another part of her soul, of her spirits, seem to have lifted with the mere idea and ached when reminded of what she was going to miss. Maybe she didn't want any of this to happen, may be nothing could have actually happened...
But it happened Lily, you're just gonna forget it.
"Mum, Dad, Pet-"
"I'm gonna take care of them all, of everyone we encountered. You could trust me on this."
Perhaps? She thought. The idea was tantalising, a beam of light breaking through the thickness of the darkness. So far, she couldn't even think of it. She didn't think of the baby since the funeral, just let her emotions overwhelm her, but never did she really think of it. Her mind was prone to devastation with such ideas, and she didn't want to be devastated. She wanted to go back to Hogwarts, she wanted her mum and dad comfortably stable and happy in their house. Merlin, she wasn't even able to handle her own sadness so about her parents'? James was right, she'd give up her last year. She'd stay with them and make them happy. Maybe he should just oblivate her parents...
But would she be able to keep up with her life with such a big secret? with such misery no one else knows about? Would she be able to face herself without thinking she was a coward, a miserable coward? Looking at her parents everyday, carrying along that big secret...
No. She'd rather die than that.
Maybe she should just agree, expunging this dreadful summer from her life, giving her attention to James, passing their seventh year together.
Something in her mind clicked.
"James, you do realise that I am gonna forget you as well?"
"I know." His face was inscrutable.
"I'd go back to treating you like I used to."
She'd go back to hating him, Lily thought, unaware that he saved her, that he was the only one who took care of her when she most needed it, that he, of all people, stuck for her, never let her go out of his sight, comforted her, fed her, made her feel safe...
"Guess I'll have to win you again." He said with a weak smile, then hastily added,
"Let's go walk by the lake." James suggested, not knowing what forced him exactly to say this. He knew this all along, he knew she was going to forget him as well, there was no way of splitting these memories. The memories about him and about Alice and her parents were strongly intertwined, and erasing bits of them would leave her confused and shaken.
And they got out of the house, and strolled till they reached the nearby lake. It was dark, and the air was cool, blowing against their direction, making Lily's hair fly backwards. James held her hand as they walked by in silence, each drawn in their own whirlpool of thoughts. When Lily said that she'd forget him, it suddenly became too real to James, almost unbearable. She'd forget him, she'd walk by him in the corridors and wouldn't bother casting a glance at him, she'd call him a conceited proud git again and he would never be able to hold her hand and walk across the lake. He would never sleep beside her again. She would never lick the remaining chocolate off his lips again.
His grip on her hands tightened.
They sat on a bench beneath a tree whose silhouette appeared and disappeared just like the light of the light stand. With a flick of his wand, James ended the battle of the electricity inside, allowing them to settle down into the darkness.
"You do realise you'll have to do it tonight?" Lily's voice broke the silence first. "Mum and Dad are coming tomorrow."
Of course he knew.
"Yes."
Lily's head was resting over his chest, her hand clutching him with all her mighty, letting herself feel him, all of him, quenching the thirst she'd suffer from later. They held each other in silence in a desperate way, not talking. She'll just let her body do it all for her, expressing her agony and misery and ach.
After half an hour, or perhaps three, or maybe the whole night, they broke away from each other. It was time, they both knew it. Lily was worried about her parents, what they would think when they arrive and the clash that might happen. Anything wrong could happen. But then, a comforting thought occurred, James was there. There was no need to worry.
He looked at her straight in the eyes
"Ready?" He asked, his voice not betraying him.
"Yes," She answered, captivated by him
"I almost missed the old you." He grinned half-heartedly, it was hollow and dull, but hopefully he managed to conceal that.
With that he got out his wand, concentrating at exactly what he wanted to do to her memory, making sure not to censor too much or too little.
Lily's eyes flicked. It was just like tossing a coin when you weren't sure what you precisely wanted, letting luck choose for you. At that split of a second, when the coin flies into the air, you know exactly what you want. You find, despite of yourself, that you are hoping it was a tail or a head. At that moment, when James' wand was directed her way, his mouth letting the incantation break free, she knew it. All along, even before this summer, when she screamed and shouted at him, turned down all his invitations, cursed him inwardly, no one could ever hate someone so passionately.
"I love you, James."
Oblivate
And the words were forgotten the moment she said them.
