Megamind stops breathing, pressing himself back into the corner of the couch automatically, thinking for a horrible, sickening half-second that Minion was right after all, that this is a trick, all a trick; Roxanne only asked him here tonight so that Metro Man—her boyfriend; he should have known it was too good to be true, what Roxanne said about her and Metro Man not really being together, should have know that this was a trap, but—

But then he looks over at Roxanne who looks—aghast, actually, at hearing Metro Man's voice. And then her expression morphs into something furious as she glares at the apartment door.

"Are you serious right now, Wayne?" Roxanne says loudly. "What are you doing here; go away!"

Megamind stays perfectly still, trying to breathe silently, wishing his heart wasn't beating so loud, and watches Roxanne's face.

Wow, she's—really mad; Megamind's glad she's not looking at him like that, no matter how gorgeous she is with her eyes snapping and her chin up and her lips and cheeks flushed with anger.

Roxanne turns to him and her expression, incredibly, illogically softens as her eyes meet his, as she reaches out to grasp his wrist and mouth the word stay.

She—she wants him to stay?

She wants him to stay?

Roxanne told Metro Man to go away and she asked Megamind to stay and her hand is on his wrist and she's looking at him still, as if she's expecting an answer, and when Megamind nods at her—of course he'll stay if she wants him to; of course he will—she still doesn't let go of his wrist.


Roxanne watches Megamind's face. His expression is one wide-eyed shock, now, but that's much better than the wide-eyed terror that she saw on his face when he first heard Wayne's voice, much better than the expression that followed the terror: for a moment, he'd looked—betrayed and disappointed and not surprised at all.

And Roxanne knows exactly what he must have been thinking, knows he must have assumed the worst when Metro Man showed up to their date.

(it catches Roxanne off guard, how much she wants for Megamind to trust her, how much that split-second expression of unsurprised disappointment on his face actually hurts.)

(also, this is. not a date. obviously. obviously not a date.)

"But—but I'm here to pick you up for the party," Wayne says from the other side of the door and this is it, this is the last goddamn straw.

"I am not going to your mother's party with you, Wayne," Roxanne says. "I am not going anywhere with you. I'll tell you where you can go, though—"

"But you said that you would!"

"Wh—no I did not!" Roxanne says. "I hung up on you when you asked! It doesn't get much more 'no' than that!"

"But you didn't say no," Wayne says, voice sulky. "I just figured you were mad."

"Mad does not even begin to cover it!" Roxanne says, "You had just told me that you weren't coming with me to my step-sister's wedding because you didn't feel like it; oh my god, Wayne, fuck entirely off! 'Dating' you was the worst mistake of my life; seven years of sexual dissatisfaction and this is what I get?"

Roxanne hears Megamind make a choking noise beside her on the couch.

"Roxy!" Wayne says, sounding scandalized. "Your neighbors are listening!"

"'Dating' you was the worst mistake of my life!" Roxanne shouts at full volume, "Seven years of sexual dissatisfaction!"

Megamind makes another choking noise, this one more like smothered laughter. When she looks over at him, he has his free hand over his mouth, but his eyes are dancing with amusement.

"Roxy! Roxy, let me inside; let's—talk about this—privately—"

"Seven years!" Roxanne shouts, "seven very. long. years!"

Megamind snickers silently.

"Roxy—"

"You never made me come even once!" Roxanne shouts, watching Megamind's face, wanting to see if she can keep him laughing.

It works; his eyes go wide, his face blushes behind his hand, and his shoulders shake with suppressed laughter. Roxanne grins in spite of the fact that she's still pretty angry.

(it is, of course, true that Wayne has never made her come, although it's not true in the way her neighbors will be thinking if they really are listening. Oooh, Roxanne hopes they are; she wants Wayne to squirm.)

Roxanne winks at Megamind, her heartbeat picking up—this is—this is fun, the two of them sharing a secret joke like this.

"I'm coming around to the balcony," Wayne says and Roxanne feels her eyes go round with horror, Megamind's face mirroring the expression.

"What—no!" Roxanne shouts, "Wayne, do not come around to the balcony—"

But he doesn't answer, and—shitshitshit—Roxanne jumps up from the couch, pulling Megamind to his feet, trying to shove him towards the stairs—

"Bedroom; hide in the bedroom—" Roxanne hisses as Megamind pulls her hand in the other direction.

"No, no, watch!" Megamind says in a frantic undertone.

And Roxanne's about to snap watch what? when Megamind snatches the wristwatch up from the coffee table and straps it on his wrist and—yeah, that's probably a better plan—

"Megamind," Wayne says, and Roxanne looks over to her balcony door to see him standing in one of his stupider Heroic Poses.

Beside Roxanne, Megamind—freezes.

There are several seconds of silent stillness.

And that's—odd; Megamind tends to respond quickly to actual threats. Roxanne looks over at him in confusion, sees the carefully neutral way he's holding himself, sees the way he's watching her—why is he—?

"Should have known you were behind this!" Wayne declares.

And Megamind still doesn't respond right away, doesn't taunt Wayne about how Roxanne actually invited him, doesn't gloat or make insinuations, and Roxanne realizes abruptly that—

He's trying to give her a chance to respond first, to decide which way to play this.

She realizes it a moment too late, though; Megamind pulls her in front of himself, one arm around her waist and the de-gun, suddenly, in his other hand, pressed to her temple.

"It looks like Miss Ritchi's best efforts to break your heart for your own good were all in vain," Megamind says with an evil laugh that sounds only slightly forced. "You've fallen right into my trap!"


Metro Man looks around the apartment suspiciously, searching for the alleged trap—the entirely nonexistent alleged trap, but what Metro Man didn't know won't hurt him. Quite literally won't hurt him in this case, ha ha ha, ohhh Megamind is so fucked and this is going to be painful—

(worth it, he thinks, remembering Roxanne's fingers laced with his, remembering her hand on his wrist, remembers her telling him to stay. definitely entirely worth it.)

"My trap which—should be springing at any moment," Megamind says, letting some of his nerves creep into his voice; if he plays this right, Metro Man should just assume that the 'trap' had malfunctioned…

Ah, yes, there's that smug heroic smirk; the idiot's bought it.

"Sorry, Megamind," Metro Man says, "looks like the spring is out of your step."

"Nonsense! Hope springs eternal!" Megamind declares, a little distracted by the memory of Roxanne's hand on his wrist, by the reality of her in his arms now.

Shit, that doesn't sound evil at all, hope springing eternal.

"Evil! Evil hope!" Megamind says, "Springs eternal! It just. Pops right up out of the ground. Like. Daffodils. Fuck!"

To his consternation, Roxanne makes a smothered noise of amusement.

"Daffodils of—of evil! And—and pain! And—springtime allergy season! Stop laughing, Miss Ritchi!"

Roxanne chokes down her laughter—daffodils of evil; oh Megamind—and leans her weight back against him.

"It's okay," she says, tipping her head back and sideways to look at him, "it's okay, Megamind; you can stop now."

All she mostly sees is the line of his jaw; for a very confusing moment, she has the oddest urge to press her lips to it, and then he turns his head to look at her and—wow, he is really close. And. Yes. Very—very close.

Then he lets go of her and steps away, sliding the de-gun back into the holster on his thigh.

Wayne's eyes dart between the two of them in obvious confusion.

"…are you going to come quietly?" he asks, the manly boom of his voice somewhat spoiled by the note of perplexity.

"Oh, fuck off, Wayne; he's not going anywhere with you, either," Roxanne says crossly.

Wayne and Megamind both shoot her looks of surprise—Megamind actually looks more shocked than Wayne, which is saying something.

"But—but he was kidnapping you!" Wayne says.

"No," Roxanne says, "he wasn't. He—unlike you, might I add—was actually invited here tonight."

"Invited," Wayne repeats.

"Yeah," Roxanne says, "invited."

"You invited him," Wayne says.

"Yeah," Roxanne says flatly, "I did."

"Have you been feeling confused, lately, Roxy?" Wayne asks, looking at Megamind suspiciously. "Maybe you have a headache—or there's a funny noise—or you drank something that tasted weird—or something?"

Megamind clearly catches the insinuation right away; his eyes narrow and his mouth goes flat.

"Oh fuck you," he snaps, crossing his arms in front of his body, "I don't do things like that."

"I invited him," Roxanne says loudly, "because he is going to do me a favor, Wayne. Not that it's any of your business."

Wayne scoffs. Roxanne has to suppress the urge to throw something at him.

"You were the one who gave me the idea, actually, Wayne," Roxanne says with poisonous sweetness. She raises her eyebrows, "Didn't you suggest I take someone else to my stepsister's wedding?"

There's a moment of silence, and then Wayne bursts into laughter. Out of the corner of her gaze, Roxanne sees Megamind flush dully, sees him lift his chin like he's forcing himself not to drop his eyes in shame and Roxanne's anger flares again, bright and incandescent, because this is not fucking funny.

Wayne must notice the way she's glaring at him, because he stops laughing.

"You—aw, come on, Roxy, be real!" he says, "you can't take him to meet your family. I mean—look at him."

Roxanne does, makes a point of looking Megamind up and down (his face is turned away from hers; he doesn't meet her eyes).

"I don't see anything wrong with him," Roxanne says.

Megamind turns his head sharply, looking at her, a lavender blush on his cheeks and the tips of his ears, an expression of utter shock on his face, his eyes round and his lips parted.

(He looks like he's just been slapped across the mouth, or kissed when he wasn't expecting it)

"Roxy," Wayne says, and Roxanne forces herself to look away from Megamind, "he's a supervillain. You can't take a supervillain home with you."

And, okay, maybe that's a fair point; Roxanne knows that her mother would flip if Roxanne brought Megamind, the supervillain who has kidnapped her for years, to Laura's wedding—which is why the disguise watch is necessary!

She opens her mouth to tell Wayne that, and then a thought occurs—

—Megamind probably uses the disguise watch, doesn't he, for—supervillainy things. And maybe that should make Roxanne want to tell Wayne about the watch, but—

(that split-second look of resigned disappointment on Megamind's face when he thought she led him into a trap—Roxanne never wants him to look at her like that again)

And really, like Wayne needs any more advantages against Megamind. Please. Wayne has invulnerability, eye lasers, superspeed, and he can fly. Roxanne can let Megamind keep a secret holographic watch.

"Lucky for you, Wayne," Roxanne says, "you don't need to worry about my family. Megamind and I will manage this just fine. Thanks."

Megamind is still staring at her, looking shocked.

"…are you doing this because you want me to say I'll come to the wedding with you?" Wayne asks.

Megamind's expression goes shuttered at that, like he might actually believe that, like he—

"No," Roxanne says forcefully. "I am not doing this to get you to do anything, Wayne. Because this is not about you at all. Shockingly, Wayne, not everything is about you."

"So that's it, then," Wayne says, "Megamind is—what, your new fake boyfriend?"

"Pretty much, yeah," Roxanne says, swearing to herself that after this is over with, she is going to go on a real, actual, not-fake date like a reasonable and totally non-crazy adult person who is in no way going to die alone and get eaten by her nonexistent cats.

Just—she just has to get through this wedding.

"And you're really not coming to the party tonight," Wayne says, as if this is some sort of terrible betrayal on her part.

"No, Wayne," Roxanne says, "I'm not."

Wayne clears his throat and nods stiffly, clenching his jaw—the clear image of a Strong Man Stoic in the Face of Rampant Female Treachery.

And then he shifts his stance to Metro Man's Stupid Heroic Pose Number Three.

"Well," he says, "I hate to crash your party, Roxy—but I'm going to have to take your boyfriend here in all the same."


Megamind twitches slightly at that, hearing Metro Man say your boyfriend to Roxanne about him in that mocking tone.

(as if the very idea is ridiculous, and it is ridiculous, but that doesn't mean he wants it thrown in his face)

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me!" Roxanne snaps. "Stop being such an asshole; he isn't doing anything wrong!"

"He's a supervillain, Roxy," Metro Man points out in a virtuous tone. "It's my duty to take him to prison. Of course," he adds, "I probably wouldn't have time to capture him if we were busy going to the party."

"You—hypocrite!" Megamind gasps, actually shocked, pointing an accusing finger.

"Extreme hypocrite," Roxanne says, "double hypocrite. Blackmail, Wayne? That's what you're going with?"

"All right, then!" Metro Man says, advancing into the room, "I'll just arrest him!"

"It'll be fine," Megamind says quickly to Roxanne, as she opens her mouth to argue.

(Metro Man looks annoyed; Megamind doesn't think he would hurt her, but most of his assumptions about that have been based on an erroneous view of Metro Man and Roxanne's relationship, which—yeah, not worth the risk.)

"It is not fine," Roxanne says stubbornly. "I asked you for a favor and now you're getting arrested. It's not fair."

(of course, of course she's not worried about him—personally, specifically. but it's—nice, anyway, that she's concerned about unfairness even when he's the one being affected by it.)

"You can just—owe me twice," Megamind says lightly, "I'll be fine. It's me—in and out before you know it!"

Roxanne shakes her head, lips pressed together, unsmiling.

"Oh, come on," Metro Man whines, "you guys are making me feel like the bad guy!"

"Yeah, and it sucks, doesn't it," Megamind mutters under his breath.

Roxanne gives him an odd look.

"I just need a date to the party!" Metro Man says. "I can't go by myself; they're expecting a date; there'll be questions if I show up by myself! Man, I hate questions!"

Roxanne looks over at him, then glances at Megamind again.

"Fine," she says, voice tight. "You—fine. I'll go get dressed."

Metro Man gives a relieved whoop.

"You—you don't have to—" Megamind says, honestly feeling a little bit dizzy at—she's going to—do this, even though she doesn't want to? Just to—just so—just for him? Nobody ever worries about—

"Stay here," Roxanne says to him, and turns to go upstairs.

Megamind nods, bewildered, and stays.


Roxanne slams her bedroom door and yanks open her closet, shoving clothing aside. She pulls down a black dress and tosses it on her bed, then gets out a pair of heels: the nicest of the outfits she tried earlier on when she was attempting to decide what to wear to her not-a-date with Megamind.

She wishes she had worn it for him; he's definitely more worthy of it than stupid Wayne and his mother's stupid party.

Roxanne dresses rapidly, then quickly applies makeup: dark eyeshadow, darker eyeliner, and crimson lipstick.


"So," Metro Man says, in the awkward silence that follows Roxanne's departure up the stairs, "you and Roxy, huh?"

"She doesn't like to be called that," Megamind says, folding his arms protectively across his chest.

Metro Man blinks.

"She never told me that," he says defensively.

Megamind shrugs.

"Well, she told me," he says. "I asked. Did you ask? Maybe you have to ask."

(He's not really sure why that causes Metro Man to flush with annoyance; for once that wasn't really the reaction Megamind was going for.)

"Maybe she just doesn't want you to call her that," Metro Man says.

Megamind glares at him.

Metro Man sighs and runs a hand through his hair.

"Listen, little buddy," he says, failing to notice when this makes Megamind glare at him even harder, "I gotta warn you—Roxy's mother is kiiiiinda a lot to handle. I met her once, for lunch, and—whew, questions; talk about questions. Like. I was sweating by the end of it."

"Is this you trying to scare me off?" Megamind asks, narrowing his eyes. "If you wanted to go with Roxanne to this wedding yourself, then you should have agreed in the first place."

(this is mine, he doesn't say; you can't have it)

"Whoa, buddy!" Metro Man says, holding up his hands, "No; that's a big no. Better you than me, as far as this wedding gig goes. I just didn't feel right letting you walk into this thing blind, you know? Nemesis to nemesis, it's gonna be rough."

"Thanks," Megamind says sarcastically.

(he honestly can't tell if Metro Man is messing with him or not; best to assume this is some elaborate form of mockery.)

Metro Man frowns and opens his mouth, but luckily at that moment, Roxanne comes down the stairs and Megamind is saved from having to continue the conversation.

(Evil heaven help him, but she is beautiful. Somehow it always seems to catch him off-guard, how very beautiful she is.)


Roxanne stalks towards Megamind, ignoring Wayne entirely.

(Megamind is looking at her; she can't read his expression, can't tell if he's impressed with the dress or not)

"You sure you want to wear that lipstick?" Wayne asks. "It's a little bright, don't you think?"

Distantly, Roxanne notes that she is extremely angry, the kind of angry that makes her reckless and stupid and that this is probably Not a Good Thing.

She doesn't know what she's going to do until she's already doing it: she stops in front of Megamind, reaches out to put one hand on his chest and one on the side of his face, and then leans forward to kiss him.

Sanity intervenes at the last moment; Roxanne turns her head slightly so that her lips catch his cheek and just the corner of his mouth.

The contact lasts less than a second, but the jolt of sensation that goes through her is like electricity, like grabbing hold of a live wire, a shock that steals her breath, makes her heart seem to stop for a moment in her chest before slamming against her ribcage.

Roxanne pulls away, looks at Megamind—fuck, he really does look like that after he's been kissed when he wasn't expecting it.

"I'll see you tomorrow, sweetheart," she tells him.

"—ah?" Megamind says blankly.

"Tomorrow," she says, "remember? Meet me here at ten?"

Megamind blinks at her, looking dazed.

"…tomorrow," he says, "I—yes, tomorrow; ten; I will—I will see you tomorrow, Roxanne."

Roxanne steps away and sweeps out of the apartment, not waiting for Wayne to catch up. He does, of course, but it's—the point still stands.


"Why did you do that?" Wayne asks, when they're in the back of his limousine, pulling away from the curb of her apartment.

"Do what?" Roxanne says, opening her compact and looking at her own reflection.

"You kissed him," Wayne says.

(fuck. she did, didn't she. she definitely kissed Megamind oh god)

"Practice," Roxanne says, uncapping her lipstick and rolling it up. "I am supposed to be 'dating' him, Wayne."

"You never did that when we were fake-dating," Wayne says.

"Yeah, well," Roxanne snaps, not really wanting to examine why she feels so defensive, "I like him a lot more than I like you."

(Wayne doesn't say anything after that, and Roxanne is too busy pointedly ignoring him and re-applying her lipstick to notice the thoughtful glance that he gives her.)