Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: Chicago PD

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.

Summary: Erin and Jay work on surviving her pregnancy while still apart. They only have a handful of months left to sort out their relationship and their expectations for their careers and future as a family. Set in the Interesting Dynamics AU and post-S4 finale.

SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes, Aftermath, So It Goes, The Way From Here (including chapters/scenes in So It Goes that have not yet been written or posted), Hereafter, and Onward Thankfully. This series also contains SPOILERS related to SEASON 5 of Chicago PD.

Ethan steadied himself and stared up those few steps to Dad's work. He sorta knew that if he went inside that him and Dad might end up in another fucking fight. 'Cuz Dad didn't like him coming to District anymore. Basically ever. He always got super grouchy bout it. Like a real stick up his ass bout it. And told him to GO. HOME. Or he'd shove him into some corner where no one could even see him and he could see nobody neither. He wasn't even allowed to sit with Aunt Trudy anymore. Even though she pretty much didn't seem to care when she sat with her at the Desk. Unless he was being a brat 'bout it. 'Cuz sometimes it was really fucking boring sitting there. But he sorta stopped being a brat 'bout it a long time ago 'cuz Trudy would just "find something for him to do" and the stuff she found for him to do was usually worse than just sitting there and doing nothing.

But he sorta thought he was going to take the risk. That if Dad was gonna be mad at him than let him be mad at him. It was like they were basically mad at each other all the time now anyways. Like all the time. Maybe it wasn't like they were real mad. Not really. It was more like they were both just frustrated with each other. A lot. And that meant they said things to each other that they shouldn't say. 'Cuz basically Ethan kinda got was they were both the only person they had to say that stuff too. Like they were both frustrated by so much and sometimes you just needed to let out that you were frustrated. So they did. Even though Ethan knew sometimes it was super bratty to do. But it was basically only Dad he could be like that to anymore.

It was basically only Dad he could yell at bout everything. Bout how much just everything fucking sucked so fucking bad. And he knew too Dad got that. He did. 'Cuz even though Ethan knew he could be really fucking mean to do, Dad still … was Dad. He still … didn't hold it against him. He still read to him and watched games with him and talked about cars with him and helped him with mechanics and woodworking stuff and hugged him after the really shitty appointments where they told them just more and more really shitty stuff and would lay with him on those nights where he couldn't sleep. And do other nice stuff too. Stuff that went way beyond just like … the whole working to put a roof over his head and food on the table and clothes on his back thing. Even though sometimes when they fought Dad yelled that at him too. That he needed his job for all of that. That he needed his job 'cuz he was so sick too.

And Ethan knew all that was true. But sometimes it still hurt when he said it. Sometimes Dad's job made him so angry. Even though he knew those things. And knew it was important for more than food on the table and a roof over his head and clothes on his back and money and insurance for the doctors and medicine and therapy and all that. He knew Dad's job had more meaning than just like … him.

But sometimes he just felt like a burden for everyone around him. And sometimes he just felt so out of control of everything. His life and his health and having friends and even his own body. And now he just felt so out of control in his family too. Sometimes. It just felt like no one was there 'cuz everyone was just trying to be there for all this other stuff. And it was lonely.

But he could grow up like Dad said. When he was angry with him. He could be less of a burden. He could show them that he knew it wasn't all about him and he didn't want it to be all about him. And maybe just he could show them all that they weren't alone either just like he didn't want to feel so alone either too.

So he was gonna go in. Even if maybe Dad would be angry at him. If he saw him. Or someone told him. Or he found out. And Dad would find out even if he didn't see him. 'Cuz Dad saw and remembered everything. He even said so. And Ethan had seen a lot of times that it was true. Like maybe not 100 per cent true but pretty fucking true. It was hard to get away with things with Dad. Unless he took his eyes off you. But Dad didn't do that much anymore. 'Cuz he said he made that mistake with Justin and now he wasn't gonna again. But sometimes Ethan thought maybe he was 'cuz Dad was almost never home. And he could likely get in a lot of trouble if he felt better. But most of the time he just didn't feel very great now. So maybe that's why Dad thought it was OK for him to take his eyes off him some. Or maybe Dad didn't know he had his eyes off him at all. Maybe he didn't.

Sometimes Ethan didn't really know. 'Cuz it felt like no one told him much of anything anymore. Or talked to him bout much of anything. Like that was protecting him. Like if they told him stuff he'd just be a bigger burden to them or something. But Ethan thought it might work the other way. Like maybe he'd be less of one.

He thought he could make things less of one for them.

So he pulled himself up the steps. 'Cuz Dad said you had to be aggressive. To go after the things you want and what you know is right – to you and for you and for your family. That it's the only way to get things done. You can't be scared. You have to face things. The big things and the hard things and the things you know should make you scared. You just need to do them. Even if it means people say you're a jagoff. You can't control the way people think much. Not people like them. That wasn't their speciality. They weren't out to win hearts and minds. They weren't politicians or propaganda machines or PR spinsters. They were just hard-working people. And the really hard working people need to go after the things they want – for them and for their family and for their community. You need to be aggressive. With the people around you and in your life and in your education and on the job and with the doctors. If you're going to get what you know your people need. You just need to be.

So Ethan would. Bout this. Even though maybe it wasn't exactly what Dad meant when he said that stuff. He knew it wasn't. But it was. Cuz it was about now and life and family and what they wanted and needed. And it was something he could do. Even if it meant Dad would be mad he came to District while he was on the city's dime and had a job to do. That he was at work and work was work. It wasn't personal time.

But him and Dad fought anyway. He could be aggressive with Dad. Or he could try. He wasn't so good at that. But he could try. For now and this and Erin. And kinda maybe for Dad too. Sorta.

So he tried to pull the stupid heavy door open. But some patrol cop pushed it open for him instead and held it staring at him. He didn't need people holding the door for him. But he went in anyway.

Aunt Trudy basically saw him instantly. But Ethan had sorta been hoping she was the one working the Desk. She was who he wanted to see anyway.

"What's wrong?" she demanded outta him immediately.

He maneuvered himself up to her desk. "Nuttin," he said, as he struggled to get the stupid forearm thing off his arm so he could get his backpack off and show her the stuff.

"Ethan Voight," she said, leaning down on the counter to try to get all on his level. But she was still like way above him and looking down at him. He kinda hated that too. "You know we've got strict orders down here about you hanging around the barn."

He just gave her a 'whatever' kinda look.

Trudy tried to be scary like Dad. Uncle Alvin said she was an "old battle-axe". But that wasn't even the best like … analogy, he thought it was called … 'cuz there were old battle-axes at Field. So maybe it actually was a good analogy or whatever, 'cuz the ones at the museum weren't so scary either. And, besides, all that Ethan just knew Aunt Trudy was kinda like Dad. That she had like this soft underbelly for kids. And he knew that like she was even softer with him. 'Cuz he was Dad's kid. So she wasn't so scary at all.

He knew scarier stuff. Aunt Trudy didn't scare him and Dad didn't scare him and there was a whole lot of things that didn't scare him. Not the kids at school or punishments or consequences or any of that. 'Cuz he knew realities that were a whole lot fucking scarier than anything any of them Dad or Trudy or teachers or principals or other kids could ever come up with as punishments or consequences or jack-ass pranks. Maybe only doctors scared him. And they were the worst kind of scared 'cuz they pretended like they were helping you and fixing you and trying to make you better by basically putting you through torture. No one knew really knew scary until they had their body betraying him in every possible way. When your own body could punish you and hurt you and scare you in ways that were worse than anything anyone else could come up with.

At least in physical pain and punishment. Emotional pain was a different thing. But Dad got angry and frustrated and sad and stressed all the time now anyway. So maybe that wasn't so scary either. It just made Ethan angry and sad and frustrated and stressed too. And that just was a different hurt. Not a scary one. Though sometimes that hurt more. Even if it was different.

So Ethan just kept digging the jar out of his backpack and plopped it up on the desk with her. Aunt Trudy just kinda looked at it and then looked at him.

"Don't pay your parking tickets at this window," she said.

He huffed at her and her stupid jokes. She was always making stupid jokes. Like her jokes were even stupider than Dad's. Though, at least she tried to joke more than Dad. So maybe that meant that Dad's jokes were actually stupider. Mathematically or statistically or probability or something.

He just pushed the jar closer to her again. "It's for Erin's shower," he said and watched as she picked it up and twisted it around. Kinda like it was one of those guess how many pennies are in it fundraiser games.

Ethan was good at those. He'd won one once. He didn't even do math stuff like some of the real loser geeks. He just guessed how much would be an amount that made sense to put as a prize in the jar. It wasn't that hard. It was way easier than all these stupid volume equations that like his math teacher and EA were trying to get him to do. Seriously. It'd been even dumber when they made him "explain his work". His work was, "It looks like about fifty bucks."

They'd given him a hard time and made him try to like write it down how he did it. So he wrote: "My Dad is a cop. He used to work in Gangs and now he works in Intelligence. He deals with a lot of bad money from people doing bad things with money and he recovers it. Sometimes it's called laundering or sometimes counterfeiting. My Dad knows lots about money. And he teachers me about saving and budgeting. We use the jar method at home so then you can see what you have and know its value because you should know the value of things. So basically it means my Dad knows what money looks like and its value. He taught me too. Like how much is in a gym bag or in a stack or a safe. Most of it is common sense. Maybe I can teach you too."

He'd gotten in trouble for that. At school. And sorta from Dad. Dad just said that you can't teach common sense to people who don't got any sense to begin with. And that basically talking about money is kinda unclothe. Even though rich people like the kids at Iggy's kinda talk about money a lot. But Dad said the richer you are the less of that kinda sense you have. And that basically he shouldn't talk to people bout what he did at work.

Not that Ethan really could anyway since Dad didn't talk to him about anything about work. Beyond knowing he was in Intelligence but he wasn't even really supposed to know that but it didn't really matter anymore since it wasn't as top secret anymore. But still Dad never said anything beyond "It was a long day". Or "Finally shut that rough one" even though Ethan never knew what the 'rough one' was to begin with really. Or "Got fucking court duty today. Sit in front of some assholes with my thumb up my ass all day. Waste of everyone's time". Or "Sorry, Kid, got to go. Crime scene." Or "Gotta work tonight, Kiddo. Olive will check-in on you." Or "Maybe next weekend, Magoo". Or "Up to my eyeballs in paperwork, E. Not going to happen tonight." Or "Just letting you know I'm home," in the middle of the night when he finally came in. So that wasn't really a lot to know bout any of it.

"How much you got in here?" Trudy asked. So maybe she wasn't so good at eyeballing money. But he wasn't gonna offer to teach her. Besides it wasn't as easy as a jar of coins or a stack of bills. It was all mixed up of everything. And if he got sassy with her, she'd kick his ass anyway. He knew that. Even if he wasn't scared of it.

"That's my savings jar," was all he told her and then plopped the next one on the counter. "And that's the one to budget for like gifts for birthdays and Christmas and that kinda stuff."

Trudy gave a little nod and picked it up too to give it a scan. "As many months' worth of diapers this could cover off for that girl of ours, I really don't think Erin expects you to be dropping this kind of dough on her or the pending arrivals."

He sighed at her again. "It's not for diapers."

"Mmm …," Trudy acknowledged and shoved the jars back closer to him. "Then I need to pull out the C.I. paperwork for you? You dig me up some non-dirty diapers dirt for the wish list? Because the last time I checked, that illustrious sister and would-be-brother-in-law of yours decided to get all Smarty Pants on me and filled out a registry that consisted of diaper sizes ranging from what I assume are preemie size to about seven years old. Or a very large four year old? Leading me to again assume that they're having boys. Or they really haven't got the first clue that most functioning human beings are out of diapers by the time they're three."

"Or maybe they just think they'll wet the bed a lot …," Ethan suggested.

"Oh," she nodded at him. "Shocking. More sass from the Voight family line." But she gazed down at him. "You know, I always assumed Halstead was a bed-wetter. He looks the type."

Ethan gave her a small grin at that one. It was almost funny. But he knew Jay likely wouldn't think so. And Ethan knew he shouldn't really joke about bed-wetting. Since his body didn't co-operate with that anymore either. But Trudy knew that. Cuz he'd had to sleep over at her and Randy's place sometimes now with Dad and work stuff. And sometimes he'd had to tell her that his body hadn't co-operated.

He'd try to not to have to tell her. But Dad told him he had to. Cuz he couldn't just leave their sheets and mattress smelling like that after. That it was pretty rude. And Ethan knew it was. But it was still kinda embarrassing. But it was sorta like his agreement with Dad. Like now there were just procedures and they didn't talk about it. There was a plan and they just followed it and she didn't make fun of him about it or look at him funny.

But he guessed they were still kinda allowed to make fun of it by making fun of Jay. But maybe they shouldn't. 'Cuz he wasn't all that funny. But it sorta was.

"I have ideas for her shower," Ethan said.

"I'm listening," Trudy told him.

"It's why I brought the money," he said.

She gave him a thin smile at that but nudged the jars closer to the edge. "Ethan, I'll listen until the cows come home to any gift ideas and nursery needs that I can get the jagoffs to be dropping some bills into their own jar for. But I know for a fact that Erin wouldn't want you emptying out these two jars of yours on her or the kiddos."

"No," he stressed at her again and dug around in his bag and pulled out the flyer and his iPad that likely wouldn't work since it was only wifi. But that's why he went all the way there to get the flyer. Which Dad wasn't gonna be too happy about either. If Trudy told him. But he was already kinda of exhausted from all of it anyway. School and there and here. It was a lot. So he didn't really care if she told. "It's for her shower. Like her actual shower. To pay for it."

He slapped it up on the counter and she stared at it and then stared at him. But then picked up the flyer and the jars and told the other guy to watch the desk for a couple minutes and she came around to him. She dropped the jars into his sagging open backpack and took it from him, nudging at his shoulder a little.

"C'mon, Pony Boy," she said. "Let's sit down."

He followed her – but she was kinda not giving him the choice – over to the hard bench. And they sat as she smoothed the flyer out on her knee and then set it on top of his.

"So tell me what all this is?" she said.

He pointed at it like she was being real dense. "It's where I think you should book her shower," he said. "It's way better than just doing it at their house. And Erin doesn't want to do it in the house anyway."

"She doesn't?" Trudy put to him.

"No," Ethan said. "She thinks they'll have to clean and organize and then clean and organize again after. And that Jay and everyone will just be downstairs playing videogames and that people will be looking at their stuff and house and making her go upstairs to show them the nursery and she says none of the guys will care about what the nursery looks like. And she's not even sure if any of you guys – like the girls she's friends with – even care what it looks like."

Trudy shrugged at him. "I care what it looks like."

Ethan let out a little groan. "Yea. But you'll see it whenever. Like before and when the babies are born. And same with like … I don't know … Kim. And everyone else … I don't think she wants them all in her space and stuff."

"Well, I really wish she'd said that," Trudy said. She sounded kinda sad and hurt. But then nodded at him. "But, if Erin doesn't want to just host it there, then there's your Dad's—"

Ethan groaned harder. "Not Carmine's," he hissed. "Not everything has to be at Carmine's." He wagged the flyer at her again. "It's a good deal," he said. "And I've got enough saved. And then I think Erin might actually like it and go and then maybe other people will like it and go and then maybe that's like my gift. Like making a shower her and Jay will actually like and so people actually go and so they actually maybe get some stuff or diapers or whatever since people actually come. Because, Aunt Trudy, it blows when you have parties and no one comes. I know. Hard."

Trudy stared at the paper. She looked even more hurt. And Ethan sputtered a bit.

"I don't mean you're planning like a bad party," he stumbled. "I mean like … like Erin's afraid of people not coming or like looking at her or like she has no friends or no friends her anymore. Or like Dad's just making people come and do this. And like Dad's all worried that they aren't going to have enough stuff or be ready or can afford everything. And he's just super stressed it kinda seems. I just kinda … I get what they might be feeling. Since I've had parties that no one came to and don't have people to invite to stuff. And I know that's made Dad sad about me before too. And I just … I want Erin and Jay and Dad and everyone to have fun and it be like good for them and the twins too. You know?"

She nodded a bit and looked at the flyer. "Ethan, is this nice for her or nice for you? I know Erin gets in the stands to cheer for you every game she can, but I think she likes baseball about as much as she likes the Lady Bugs your sister-in-law suggested for this shindig."

Ethan pressed at the flyer again. "It's the White Sox Academy," he stressed. "Jay likes the White Sox. Not the Cubs. It's one of his fundamental flaws. But Dad says Erin's allowed to keep him – as long as the twins cheer for the Cubbies."

"Hmm …," Trudy nodded and gave him stern eyes. "So we're inciting family tension before the kids even arrive. Let's put that on the pro list of plan for a Baby Shower to Remember."

Ethan rolled his eyes at her. "Erin watches The Sandlot with me all the time. Since forever. Since I was a little kid. It's a baseball movie."

"You don't say …," Trudy got all sarcastic with him. But he could tell and he just huffed at her again.

"And she tells me all the time, 'You're killing me, Smalls.' But she says it now to her belly. Cuz the babies are kicking each other and her and her bladder and hurting her back. She says she can't tell if they're gonna be pitchers like me or soccer players like Jay. But they are definitely going to be bruisers."

"Oh," Trudy said, "like their grandfather."

Ethan cocked his head at her. But he gave he a little smile. Cuz maybe that was almost sorta funny too.

"Smalls is plural," he provided.

"That fancy private school education is really paying off."

"Aunt Trudy …," Ethan sighed at her.

She gave his shoulder a little bump. "I'm not sure batting cages is the baby shower of any pregnant woman's dreams, Shoeless Shmoe."

Ethan pressed his finger against the flyer more urgently. "She doesn't have to do the batting cages. We get the party room and the Vault. So people who don't want to swing can play videogames and stuff. Erin says she doesn't think she can sit in a room and go goo-goo, gah-gah over baby socks for two hours. And she says that's what's gonna happen if you're taking Olive and Kim's advice on baby parties."

"Is that so?" Trudy said.

"Yea," Ethan stressed. "So you should take my advice on baby parties before."

"Oh, you've been to enough 'baby parties' that you're a 'baby party' master-level planner?"

"I know that Olive planned Henry's first birthday party and it was about stupid bugs. And that she let me help plan his second birthday party and it was awesome."

Trudy nodded. "I would point out that technically both of those events were Caterpillar parties."

"Trudy …," Ethan groaned.

"But I will concede that bulldozers do tend to squash caterpillars of the creepy-crawler variety."

"'Cuz it was a much better party," Ethan said. "And I got to help her plan it."

"I would also point out, though, that that was a toddler birthday party," she said and pointed at the flyer. "Much like this piece of advertising is for boys in about the upper-end of the sizing of diapers Erin is requesting."

He sat back in the bench and stared at her. "I can show you the stroller she wants," he said. "It costs nearly as much as the clunker that Dad says we'll get to work on next. And that it looks more complicated to get it on the road than any engine too."

Trudy raised her eyebrow at him. "See," she said, "You're starting to learn some negotiation skills. I'm listening – but, that doesn't change this is for a kids' party."

"So," Ethan protested. "It's two hours with the space and we get pizza and drinks included. And you can bring other stuff too. Like S'mores from Sandlot. Or cop themed food. Like donuts. Or elephant cupcakes or whatever. And it's only thirty bucks each as long as you can get at least ten people to come."

"That's a lot of money that could be put toward this luxury stroller instead," Trudy said.

Ethan grabbed into the bag and pulled out the jar of cash again. "So I have enough to pay for the first ten people. And then they get my niece and nephew stuff. That's how it works."

Trudy stared at him. Like really hard and he sunk back as he realized he'd said it and sputtered some.

"Maybe it's not a niece and nephew," he said and shook his head hard and sit up. "It might be two boys. I hope it's two boys." She kept staring at him.

"Erin's having a little girl?" Trudy said.

Ethan shook his head harder. "I don't know," he lied. "They don't know," he tried. "She won't like turn. And show them good and they are laying together so you can't really see and – THEY DON'T KNOW." He raised his voice to high he almost felt like it cracked and looked at her pleadingly. "It might be two boys. Erin thinks it's going to be two boys now. Cuz she's kinda huge—"

"Oh, there's a phrase every woman loves hearing come out of a man's mouth."

Ethan sighed. "She said it. Not me. And she said she thinks she's so huge and they are all like sticking right out like that and always kicking her since they are boys."

"That does sound like typical male behavior," Trudy said. "Always trying to find some way to kick you when you're down even when you're trying to help them out."

"Jay says the girl is just feisty like her."

"Mmm …," Trudy conceded. "Ball buster from the get. Makes sense."

"And Dad hopes it's a boy and a girl. And … I hope … just please don't tell Dad …," he sighed. Cuz he'd already said way too much. He hadn't filtered. Now Dad was really gonna be mad.

But Aunt Trudy just nudged across the bench and put her arm around him. And gave him this little shake.

"Your ol'Dad knows that there are a whole lot of things that are on the need-to-know list. It's like the Blue Wall. Aunts and Uncles – there's a whole scared need-to-know wall between them and their nieces and nephews right. It means that sometimes, maybe the parents don't need-to-know everything. Aunts and uncles aren't that kind of snitch. Right?"

Ethan gave her a little smile and a little nod. "Yea … I think so …"

And Trudy gazed at the flyer again. "Our girl really knows ten people she'd want to come to this thing?"

Ethan smiled a bit and looked at it. "I don't know. But I think maybe she knows like at least maybe twenty people who might actually come if it's not all baby-this, baby-that like. And that I'm pretty sure she wants stuff other than diapers. She's just being stupid about."

"Mmm …," Trudy nodded. "I could tell she was getting stupid on me."

But that's OK. Sometimes Erin did stupid things. But sometimes Dad did too. And sometimes he did too. And sometimes they all made each other mad and sad and frustrated and stressed out and angry. But sometimes they didn't. Sometimes they were all just trying to mean well by doing things to make each other's lives easier. 'Cuz that's what family was and did. You took care of each other. And went after what each other wanted and needed even when they didn't know it or they were too afraid to say so themselves.

Ethan got that and he knew Trudy did too. Family – and aunts and nephews – they knew that kinda stuff. He thought.

AUTHOR NOTE:

So the next few chapters may be out of order but the general plans are:

-Will and Jay chapter — putting together baby stuff, talking about women in their lives (Erin and Natalie fiasco), the babies, being an uncle and being a parent and being a spouse/boyfriend, and their dad (and that situation in relation to Jay becoming a father and including his side of the family in that)

-whole family chapter — at Easter, but with Erin home and baby stuff going on

-Jay and Hank — (with some Erin and Ethan) conversation about the pregnancy and the babies and being family and parents, and some backward/couched discussion about Hank's current predicament and what it might mean

-Ethan and Denny Woods (and likely some Platt or Voight in it) confrontation about who Denny is really hurting in all this

-possibly a Jay and Brian Cassidy chapter in NYC

-possibly a Jay and Erin chapter set in NYC

And then I do have an Al POV chapter I want to do that would be posted as the Breaking Point episode recast chapter in Hereafter.

I have a vague idea for an Erin and Ethan chapter but haven't worked it all out yet to know when it will post or how it will take shape.

There's also a Hank/Ethan chapter I'm playing with but it'd be on the depressing end of things with Ethan's health issues so I'm not sure yet if/when it will get written.

Thanks for your readership, reviews and comments.