A/N: Hey all you bee-yoo-ti-full people! Here is a MAJOR look at Quil. It took me two days its like three times as long as long as the other chapters. Many, many hints are given in this chapter. It's my favorite so far. Thanks to all of you who reviewed and favorited and alerted you guys rock! Keep it up! Oh, and i plan to start dolling out Theme Music for the chapters, so much mores to come. Much more.

Chapter 4 Memories

I rang the doorbell and stepped back, somehow knowing that I would need the extra ground. Sure enough within seconds the door was flung open and a blur of black and pink flew at me. Even though I was four times bigger than her I still staggered at her powerful enthusiasm.

"Oh, Quil! Thank God you're here!" Emily whispered fervently in my ear as she attempted to squeeze the life out of me. I couldn't see her face, just her shoulder, but I found my way back to the Emily I had known. The big sister and good friend. The one who feed us and loved us. Who cared so very much about everyone. I had tried to deny my life in La Push for so long, but I could no longer ignore Emily, who I had missed especially.

She finally pulled away so that I could look at her face. It was shocking to say the least. By no standards did she look old, but she had aged. I tried to do the math in my head to figure out her age. She was thirty-three years old, but didn't look a day over twenty-five. Her long raven hair still hung to her waist and she still had that perpetual smile on her face. The scars on her face had faded slightly over time, so that I could guess, from a distance, it would be hard to tell that anything was wrong.

She looked so utterly happy to see me that it brought the guilt back to me. How could I have done this to the people I had loved? Why did I bring such a weight upon myself? What justified such an unwanted abandonment?

Then a flash, a still from that day twelve years, ago came to me---

A rocky beach on a stormy day.

A small hand print in the sand, the surf washing over it.

The back of a little girl in pig tails, running from me.

Then, the most terrifying of all---

A pink tennis shoe, streaked with mud, lying on the ground.

A cry, so small and terrified, it was almost inaudible.

The sharp crack of a stick behind me.

"Quil? Quil, are you alright?" Emily's face swam into view in front of me. I felt a little bit like I was drowning; in the past, in grief, in regret, in guilt. Emily's hands, shaking me as hard as she could, were what brought me back. I registered her face, which was concerned, and her words, which relieved me. "Why don't we go inside, if I remember right there's not a moment you aren't hungry. I just got done baking cornbread, how does that sound?"

With a sort of relief that was akin to dodging a bullet, I smiled. "That sounds great. I'm starving."

She grinned, grabbed my hand, and led me into the house. It had changed drastically; it was much bigger and even homier. The construction was so seamless, that only someone who had seen it before could tell the difference. The front of the house, which used to just be the kitchen and living room, had been widened on either side. The living room now contained a mammoth big screen T.V and a black leather L-shaped couch. Oversized plants grew in homemade clay pots near the windows, which sported draperies Emily had sewn herself years ago. The kitchen was huge with a blue and white theme, just like the rest of the house. Blue walls, white cabinets, white dining set with blue accents, a snowy white refrigerator, blue blender and mixer, and in the cabinet blue china. The house had twice as many windows too, allowing the place to be completely lit naturally without light bulbs, even at this time of day.

As Emily went to work at the island in the middle of the kitchen, I wandered in the living room. I took note of things that could indicate the changes in Sam and Emily's life: children's' books, kid movies, dolls, balls, year books, Seventeen magazines, nail polish, video games.

Then I saw it, the family photo. I hastened closer to inspect it with awe. Sam and Emily sat next to each other in the middle of the picture, with a circus going on around them. Two girls and two boys were dancing around them, wearing every color of the rainbow, their movements blurring the colors so that they left multi-colored ribbons in their wake. Everyone's faces were completely joyous, laughing and grinning. Emily's head was Sam's shoulder as she looked up at him, chuckling, with complete contentment on her face. Even though Sam seemed to be trying to look over every child as they dancing in a circle, he held on to Emily with a permanence that went beyond posing.

I stared at that photo like there was a hidden code, an equation to happiness. I felt completely alone at that moment; no friends, no family, no support, no partner. Yet, what hurt the worst was the self-infliction of this pain. The burden that I and I alone, had to bear.

"That was five years ago." My head whipped around to see Emily standing next to me, also examining the picture, a smile on her face. "Tessa picked out the outfits; it was her turn that year. She was going through a Rainbow Bright phase. She and Cara got in a fight over a headband, and Trevor lost to Conner on a video game. When we arrived at the photo studio they were at each other's throats, but with a few sugar donuts and the photographer's jokes everyone got in the mood. The girls started dancing to a song on the radio and the boys began to mock them. This is what happened. It's my favorite picture of us."

My brows pulled together and I leaned closer, straining my eyes to see it. It. That thing that all people seem to have. That aura about them and their perseverance. I couldn't figure out which part of the photograph it was that screamed ecstasy to me. It was like I spoke another language, I just couldn't see it. It was there, a mystery to me.

Emily's hand settled on my arm, her face concerned. "Come on, you need to eat something."

Five minutes later I had eaten half a pan of Emily's famous cornbread. I was savoring the flavors of the corn, cheese, sun-dried tomatoes and jalapenos when I sensed another werewolf outside.

It had been twelve years since I had gotten that feeling in my limbs. A softening of bone and tissue as I was put in the presence of my brother. Relaxation as I became part of something bigger than myself, no longer a single entity. No longer hiding who I was or how I felt.

I turned just as the front door was flung open, in walked Sam Uley. As our eyes met we shared grins that were impossibly wide. Then I jumped out of my chair and Sam bounded to the kitchen table, we embraced. Heat met heat in a completely comforting way. We were bothers, more than friends, family. It was impossible to feel lonely with the pack.

I laughed when we pulled away. "Oh, Sam, man, no offense but you're looking old!"

He rolled his eyes but kept smiling. "Yeah, and your just as obnoxious as before."

I glanced between him and Emily. "No really, Sam, you do. You do…look…" I was beginning to be confused. I examined him more closely. No not old, too young. Only aged what looked like five years. Five years, so little?

A tense silence filled the space. Sam's face became grim and Emily's hand flew to her mouth in restraint, pain in her eyes. I felt my heart rate kick up, what had I missed?

"What happened?" I asked, looking between the two of them.

Sam shared a strained look with Emily and sighed. "Why don't we sit down?"

We all shuffled to the mammoth leather couch. Emily and Sam sat as close together as possible on their longer side. I sat on the edge of my seat, my hands gripping my knees. I felt myself straddling the cusp between restraint and phasing. Anxiety spread like ice water in my veins.

Sam looked at Emily as he said, "I didn't give up the leadership after you left."

Before the words had even registered I was on my feet. "What!?!"

Emily's face was in her hands and Sam's eyes held a place on the carpet. "Quil, please. You have to let us explain." When I had taken my seat again he continued. "I know that was the agreement, it was what we all wanted. Jake was willing and you wouldn't be needed anymore, but things didn't work out like that. They…well, they came back."

"No." My voice was barely a whisper, small and horrified.

"Yes," he swallowed painfully. "About two months after you left Paul and Embry were on patrol when they caught the trail. It was fresh and they attempted to follow it but it stopped by the beach. For a week we patrolled constantly but in April…they got through."

My heart literally stopped, missed a beat. No, no, no, no.

"It was right on the boundary line in the middle of the afternoon. I mean the sun was even out for Christ's sake! We didn't think they would dare to…in the open like that. They did, though. They did."

"Who was it?" I whispered around the lump in my throat.

"Rachael Redcloud."

The name fell grim and black between us. I shuddered. This wasn't happening, it couldn't be. "But she was… she was only ten."

Sam's face looked skeletal, his eyes nested deep in his skull. "Eight. She was only eight."

Emily started to cry at this point, I remember she was friends with Rachael's mother. Sam's arms immediately wrapped around her, pulling her to his chest. He ducked his head to whisper words I couldn't hear in her ear. While he rocked her his eyes found mine. Dammit. Heat exploded deep in my stomach, the rage spreading.

"How could you, Sam? Why didn't you call me, tell me? I would have come back, if I had known it would have been different. I would have come back. I would have."

Their eyes held pity as they watched me try to convince myself of this fact.

"Quil," Emily said through her tears. "You had made your choice. We didn't think it would have made a difference. I mean if you could look into Claire's eyes—"

"NO!" By now I was across the room trying desperately to keep my shape. "You had an obligation to call. I had an obligation to help. Why didn't you call? Why, Sam?"

I was becoming convinced that if I had gotten the call, if I had come back sooner, everything would be different. I wouldn't have wasted twelve years needlessly hiding myself, and my tribe wouldn't have lost these children. I would have spent time with Claire, seen her grow up, she would know me. I wouldn't be a stranger she couldn't possibly learn to ever love again. Everything would be alright. It would all be damn fine.

"We caught them." Sam's pleading voice brought me back. "That night everyone but Seth and Jared took off after them. We never ran so fast or phased quicker. We got them just south of the cliffs. It was pretty brutal; the big red headed male got his hands on Paul. We took care of them. They're gone. Those twins though…"

"The little boy and girl got away?" My head hurt with the thought.

"They managed to slip away when things were getting pretty dirty, we couldn't find them afterward. But, Quil, I don't know if any of us could have done it. They were just children, even if they were bloodsuckers. You should have seen them, little emaciated things with black eyes…" Sam shook his head, as did Emily and I. The sight of that little boy was seared in my mind forever. A soaking wet child's corpse with the most heartbroken look in his eyes, looking desperately around in the rain for his sister.

Our chilling memories were interrupted by girlish screeches coming from the walk up to the house. A second later, two adolescent girls stomped into the house. One I immediately recognized as Cara from her curly hair and age. She stood behind her enraged sister, looking exactly like the thirteen year old she was. The other one, Tessa, was tall also, but scrawny.

"Mom, tell Cara to shut up!" Tessa pointed petulantly at Cara.

Nice to meet you too.

"Watch you language Tessa." I looked over to find Emily completely composed, effortlessly switching over to her role as mother. "Now tell me what Cara said to upset you?"

"She kept telling everyone on the bus about the grade in English and how I'm so stupid I'll probably end up on the streets harassing people outside the McDonalds!"

I raised my eyebrows at this, sisters were pretty vicious. I once again gave thanks to above that I was an only child.

"Cara," Sam said sternly. "Tell your sister you're sorry."

She rolled her eyes and said sarcastically, "I'm sorry." And as she flounced away she said over her shoulder, "That you're such a retard."

Before Tessa could choke out a comeback and Emily rise from her seat, Sam held up his hand. "I'll handle it." He ran after Cara with Tessa in tow.

Emily collapsed against the couch closing her eyes. "God, how I wish they were six and four again. Best friends and always wearing matching outfits." She lifted her head to look at me. "I'm sorry Quil, they're just at those ages you know?"

I attempted a sympathetic expression, "Oh, yeah."

She snorted a laugh and hauled herself to her feet. "Well, since Trevor and Conner are staying over at Matt's house you can sleep in their room for tonight."

"Matt?"

She smiled tiredly. "Jared and Kim's oldest son. Those three are practically inseparable."

I felt an insatiable itching begin in my bone marrow. I looked towards the door feeling gravity pull me towards the place my heart had gone, home no matter how far I ran. She, who never left my mind, came into the fore front. I had seen her for the first time in twelve years and I hadn't seen enough. I needed to be in her presence, just to simply breathe properly.

Emily sighed at my expression. "Go ahead, Quil. Get your fill."

The sun could just be seen falling beneath the horizon as I let the heat fill my limbs like liquid fire. The roar in my ears blocked everything else as I felt as my bones shift painfully into my second shape. My shoulders hunched at the pressure, even after all this time. Phasing was like being sucked into a black hole; your whole being condensed into a pinprick no bigger that an atom. Then like being shot from a gun you burst into this other form that was just beneath your skin.

Nothing compared to running in these woods. Woods occupied by my ancestors for hundreds of years. I could practically feel their spirits brush past me as I hurtled between the trees. It would be easy to get lost in you senses and abilities; that is unless you had your bigger half so close.

I didn't need my wolf sense of smell to find Claire. My body just knew to head west and somehow I found myself pacing circles at the edge of the woods outside her house. I couldn't hear much, three people's quiet voices and the sound of silverware. A few minutes later nothing. Everything was dark and silent. But it was too early for them to go to sleep, so I stayed put. After an hour I couldn't stand it anymore. I phased, dressed in the shorts and t-shirt I had brought and crossed the backyard to what I felt to be her room.

Sure enough, there she was, asleep her hair spread across the pillow. I sighed, perfection. A flawless angel slept soundly, a smile on her face. The moon came out from the clouds lighting up her face with pure white light. She was so beautiful it physically hurt to look at her. My hand came up to press against the window. The need to touch her made my fingers tremble. Oh, God, the need.

I don't know how long I stood like that, wishing so hard for things that couldn't happen. Wishing there was just glass between us right now, not betrayal and twelve years standing like a steel wall. Wishing she forgave me. Wishing she remembered me and loved me. Wishing that smile on her face was because of me, because she was dreaming of me.

The clock said it was one in the morning when I walked into Sam and Emily's house that night. I managed to drag myself into the one unoccupied bedroom and take off my clothes, when I caught sight of myself without my shirt in the mirror on the back of the door.

I came closer to examine my stomach. Not even my werewolf affinity for quick healing could save me from this scar. It was a real monster one too. Practically my entire lower abdomen. My fingers traced its boundaries as I turned to the side. It was sick to say the least, I was missing parts of my pelvic bone and it was grossly obvious.

I turned away before I could dwell too much on it. I climbed into the nearest bed and tried desperately to fall asleep. To not dream of that day that so devastatingly decided my fate. I instinctively turned my thoughts to Claire. Sweet, grown-up, beautiful Claire. But not even she could save me from that nightmare; after all she had been there.