Chapter Four: Confession
Dressed in shorts and a tank and feeling refreshed from her shower, Ren strides out of her bathroom and directly over to the die.
The characters loom in front of her eyes. "You just couldn't stay gone, could you?" She mutters, shivering. Where did she put her sweater?
So much for being organized.
Tsukki's cream-colored sweater, sitting on a hanger, looks warm. She tugs it over her head and points at the glaring message, mustering up the energy to curse at it.
"Fuck!"
It sounds less angry and more dejected than she wanted it to. She sighs. It's a start. She can't be silent about it.
Which is why she was going to talk to Tsukki.
Well, attempt to talk to Tsukki.
There was no guarantee he wouldn't laugh or tease her, like he did yesterday. Odds are he'd interrupt her with snarky comments and that damned smirk of his. And maybe, just maybe, he'd distract her.
Ren knows Tadashi would be more understanding. He'd apologize, even though he had nothing to do with it, comfort her, and try to cheer her up.
But she doesn't want to be comforted. She doesn't want to be pitied. She wants to move past the shame.
And to do that... she has to acknowledge it.
"Fuck!"
She cringes. There it is. The pain of an old wound, never fully closed, reopening.
A shudder rips through her. Hissing out a breath, she grits her teeth, standing tall. "Just you wait," she growls, reining in the hurt. "Just you fu-"
A knock at her door interrupts her. "If you're done talking to your wall," Tsukki says lazily, "dinner isn't going to make itself."
In the privacy of her room, Ren allows herself to smile. Well, grimace. Deep breaths. Slowly, it turns into a smile. "You better not have eaten all the strawberries," she says sweetly, leaving her room and the message behind. Closing the door softly, she saunters into the kitchen, confirming that Tsukki did indeed break into the strawberries.
She surveys the countertop, ignoring him as he bites into another strawberry. Did he eat all of them yet?
Less than half appear to be missing from one container. She'd bought two. Not even close.
"Were you restraining yourself? I thought you'd have eaten all of them by now."
Tsukki smirks. "Can't have you make me a strawberry shortcake with no strawberries. That'd be a crime."
Ren rolls her eyes. "Then you'd have to arrest yourself for ruining your dreams of strawberry desserts."
"It's both physically and legally impossible for me to arrest myself."
"Then I'll do it." She stares him down. He raises an eyebrow. She turns away. "Though I guess it'll have to wait," she says, defeated. There goes that idea. "Where are handcuffs when you need them?"
She pulls a half-used package of soba, some kombu, and some bonito flakes out of the pantry. "Well?" she asks him, the ingredients stacked haphazardly in her arms. "Can you get the shoyu for me?"
"I can."
She glares at him. "Will you?"
"Debatable."
Ren doesn't know who she's more frustrated with: him, or herself. To think he would even listen to her? She plops the ingredients on the counter, before shooting a hesitant glance in his direction. Well, he was going to make me tempura soba. By himself, no less.
"Please."
She avoids his gaze, deliberately looking down and to her left, biting her lip.
The smirk vanishes off his face.
"Fine."
She peers up at him, surprised. Upon eye contact, he moves towards her, places his hands on her shoulders, and says, "go sit in the living room," before immediately releasing her.
Ren wavers for a moment but heads for the table. "But what about dinner?"
"... We'll make it later."
She rests her head on the table, closes her eyes, and listens to cabinet doors open and close, the clink of porcelain, and the sound of liquid being poured. The fridge door opens and closes, and the sink faucet goes on...
Feeling sleepy, she lets out a yawn- only to be jolted up moments later by the loud noise of something hitting the table.
"Eh?" A mug of steaming tea is in front of her, along with a plate of sliced strawberries.
Tsukki sits down across the table from her. "Spill."
Oh. It never crossed her mind that Tsukki would start this conversation. "What, the tea?"
"Yes, the tea." The tone of his remark is strange, with just a hint of sarcasm... is he inviting her to talk to him?
Well, it's what she was going to try to do anyway... except she has no words. She opens her mouth to speak, but shuts it before anything comes out. Where'd the words go? They were just here...
"When did it start?"
Ren flinches at the question, taking a sip of her tea to calm down. Deep breath. And she finds her voice.
"I was nine. Someone thought it would be a nice message to stick on my bookmark while I was out of the room. I thought it was an accident." She pauses, taking another sip of tea. Swallow. It slides down her throat, clearing the way for more words. "After exam scores came back, the next one... happened. No explanation. I didn't want to tell anyone.
"After that, there was a break. Long enough for me to think it all really was an unintended mistake." Ren takes a strawberry piece and bites into it. It tastes sweet, but her thoughts are bitter. Keep going. "But in the back of my mind, I kept thinking, is this really the end? And the nagging suspicion it would happen again was... proven right."
She winces at the thought, but continues. "It's a coincidence the first time, a mistake the second time, and the third..." She looks him in the eye. This part he'll understand. "By the third time, it's a pattern."
The way Ren's eyes meet his- demanding comprehension- makes Kei slightly uncomfortable. And her use of the word pattern...
Kei usually liked patterns. They made life easier. Chronological patterns- like waking up at the same time each day. Game patterns, like play strategies. Once he saw through them, matches were relatively easy to win. School patterns- classes in a specific order. People had patterns too- he wasn't as good at reading those.
He'd improved, of course. But Ren was part enigma. She only had patterns sometimes. Which made her all the more interesting.
But the pattern she's talking about brings an acrid taste to the back of his throat. Kei swallows it down with a gulp of tea.
She drops her gaze, takes a sip of her tea and is quiet for a while.
What would Tadashi do?
Tadashi was better with people than Kei was. He always had been. Tadashi would tell him to... take her hand (somewhat feasible), apologize (used in sarcastic situations only), hug her (even less feasible), and be sincere (he had enough trouble being sincere with himself).
He slides his hand toward hers, but she shrinks away.
Damn it.
But his action prompts her to speak.
"After that... it got worse." Her voice is barely above a whisper, and she's shaking. "It wasn't just messages anymore. It was the whispers." She clenches her hands together, her knuckles white. "And the eyes on the back of my head. They wouldn't stop staring. They just couldn't shut up about me, how unnatural I was, that I wasn't human, that I belonged in a laboratory because I was so fucking extraordinary."
She's raising her voice. So she's angry? About being extraordinary? There's nothing wrong with being extraordinary.
Ren narrows her eyes at him, the sudden change in her demeanor causing him to flinch. "This isn't just 'oh, she's exceptionally smart,' like someone telling you you're incredibly tall, Kei," she says coolly. "This is let's punish her because she's doesn't struggle like the rest of us. This is let's crack open her skull and dissect her brain. This is let's tear her apart to find out if she's even human." She closes her eyes, pinches the bridge of her nose, and looks up at the ceiling, blinking rapidly.
She's holding back tears.
His eyes widen. What the hell is he supposed to do? Get her a tissue? The box is too far away. Give her his handkerchief? She'd get it... dirty. (It would smell like strawberries forever.) Hug her? Even if he wanted to, the table's in the way.
"Don't worry about that!" There goes Tadashi. "Just do something!"
This wasn't a situation in which reassuring would work. And Ren wasn't someone who would appreciate a hand on the shoulder and "there, there," bullshit.
By the time Kei decides to try and take her hand again (against his better judgment), she's calmed down enough to take another slice of strawberry.
"I don't get it," she says softly. "I'm not extraordinary. I'm not," she declares. "I just have better memory retention, I guess. But that's it."
"So?" The word slips out before he can take it back.
Ren peers up at him. "So?" She laughs coldly. "They broke into my room, my safe place, and vandalized it with a message they knew would fuck with my mental and emotional states. They're waiting for me to fall apart. And as much as I don't want to, I can feel myself falling apart. This is a game to them, and I've played right into their hands." She slumps, supporting her chin with her palm and chugs the rest of her tea.
A game?
The answer becomes clear. "Change the tempo."
"What?"
"Change the tempo," he repeats. She raises an eyebrow. Kei sighs. "It's a volleyball strategy. You're too caught up in what your opponents are doing. Step back, slow down, and refocus."
Ren sits up straighter, only to slump back down. "Easier said than done."
"Most things are. Do it anyway."
She sighs, before standing up. Taking a step back from the table, she closes her eyes, takes a few deep breaths, and presses her fingers to her temples like she's trying to use telepathy.
Kei can't help his snort.
Her coffee eyes flick over to him. "What?" she asks skeptically, drawing out the 'a'.
"I didn't mean it literally."
"Pfft." A hint of a smile crosses her face before fading away. "I know. It's just hard to refocus when the problem is my brain." She knocks on the side of her head, sighing again. "I like being smart, I really do. But sometimes, I really don't like my brain."
Kei stands up and heads for the kitchen. "I happen to like your brain."
He doesn't see her mouth fall open.
"Really?" Her reply is choked.
In the kitchen now, he turns around. Her cheeks are pink and her jaw hangs open. He smirks. "It's the least annoying thing about you, in case you were wondering."
That shuts her mouth quick. After a moment, she lets out a genuine laugh. "I don't know what I was expecting," she says, shaking her head. Then she hesitates, like she wants to say something else, and spits it out. "I'm so going to regret this, but what's the most annoying thing about me?"
"Let's see..." Kei pretends to consider it. "It's a tie between your face and your snores. And maybe your laugh, too."
Ren snorts as she joins him in the kitchen.
"That noise too."
"Ha ha."
"And your sarcasm."
Cheeks tinged pink again, she scowls at him before retorting, "Your smirk is annoying."
Hearing that from her never got old. "Thank you." He opens the fridge and hands her the shoyu that she requested earlier.
Never in a million years would he admit that her brain is the most interesting thing about her. Along with her eyes. And her sarcasm. And-
Damn.
"Shut up, Tadashi," Kei mutters under his breath.
"What?"
"Never mind."
a/n:
kombu: edible seaweed, most often used for flavoring broths/soup stocks
bonito flakes: dried (fermented, and smoked) fish flakes also used for flavoring soups
shoyu (technically shōyu): Japanese for 'soy sauce'
Thanks to all the story followers and favorites. Thank you. Thanks for reading and sticking around. It means a lot!
Special thanks to my reviewers for last chapter! (I can see them now!)
To Chezzu: Thanks! Hope you like how the story is progressing!
To Mandalorian1207: Sorry to have killed you off. More fluff next chapter, I promise. (Yes, I'm female.)
To LoStInIlLuSiOn: I'm glad you're liking both Ren and Tsukki's portrayals! And I have too much fun writing Tadashi.
To Celia: The reason I can update so quickly is because I'm still on break! We'll see what happens once I go back to campus next week... I'm glad you like the style!
To Senna Bluefire: Thanks! I'm working on expanding Tsukki's personality. And I like writing Ren. She's difficult too, but if she wasn't interesting, Tsukki wouldn't be into her.
Happy New Year! Best wishes for 2016!
Stay tuned for next chapter and potential omake!
