I do not own Invader Zim

A/N: It certainly has been a while since I updated. Sorry.

Chapter 4: Training Day (Dib gets taught how to be a cliché action hero)

Wait a second, Dib thought as he tried fruitlessly to keep the zombies off of Taco-Man, as well as himself, How the hell did I remember that if it didn't happen to me and I didn't witness it? And who the hell was that Irken? Wait a second...It was...! but the boy was cut off as the author decided to wipe his memory; it's too early in the story for the people reading it to know anything. Hmm, where was I again? Oh yeah... thought Dib as his flashback continued.

The Ferrari jetted through space with Gir steering as Dib happened to be beating up Zim at the moment. "How could you?" he screamed, kicking the invader in the jaw.

"Hey, I saved your life, didn't I?" Zim answered back as he spat blood.

"Only so you could bring us back to the Tallests and cover your own damned ass!" Dib stopped as Zim panted, his knees on the floor of the car. Just then, the invader shot forward, grabbed Dib's knees, and brought him to the floor as well, pulling out a tazer gun from his PAK and zapping the boy into an unconscious state.

"Don't make me taze you too!" Zim pointed towards Gaz, who looked up at him incredulously, then turned back to her game.

"You got anything to eat? Oh, yeah, and we're about to run into some body lying in space out there," she replied nonchalantly. Just then, said body smacked against the windshield. Zim turned dramatically as the camera zoomed up on his face and the music rose in pitch.

"Gir! Follow me, let's get this person thing off the windshield!" Zim commanded, and the two stepped into space, Zim with his squishy helmet thing on. "Hmmm," Zim pondered. "It's quiet... too quiet."

"Thatz cuz there's no sound in space!" Gir yelled back. His robotic brain then realized the contradiction he'd just made, and his head promptly exploded. His beheaded body and limbs flew towards the body and he and Zim lifted it into the car, even though it would be virtually weightless in space and two people wouldn't be required to lift someone and...

"And then I shot the smart-ass narrator!" Zim yelled at me. Then he proceeded to take the car for a beaver-robot killing spree joyride of doom.

However, Dib didn't remember any of that as he was unconscious at the time. Well, really, he was unconscious and even more crazy than he would've thought, for he found himself standing in a completely white room; several gigantic figures stood above him. One approached him, starting with "Dib, you-"

"Where the hell am I?" Dib yelped with fear. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaau-"

"SHUT UP!" the figure cut in. He proceeded in a thick Austrian accent, "Dib, you have been a pussy this whole adventure. You must be taught to be a badass if you want to best your sister and the alien."

"Gee, a giant action movie star in my head agrees that Zim's an alien!" Dib smiled before going over what he'd just said. "Dammit."

Just then, a shirtless, buff Asian man spoke some unintelligible Japanese.

"Whu?" Dib inquired. Then the floor disappeared, and he suddenly smacked into a new floor. Grunting as he stood up, Dib looked around. The room was white, like the first one, and gave Dib the uneasy feeling he was walking on clouds, as he was unable to see where the room ended or began. The Asian, Dib noticed, was standing in what was probably the middle of the room, having grown to the size of a regular person. He then launched himself at Dib, performing a frenzy of sweet martial arts moves on the boy and beating him up severely. The Asian spoke once more, but Dib understood him this time as he read the subtitles. You must think with your balls. Trust in masculinity, and sick-ass moves will be yours.

"Think...with my balls," Dib closed his eyes and went into Japanese Zen mode. Suddenly snapping out of his trance, Dib's eyes snapped open as well, and the boy jumped into lotus position, uttered a cry of "HOIYA!" and began to kick at the Asian, who dodged each kick. Harder! You must think harder!

Dib then did a backflip over the Asian's head, then, poised in midair behind his back, Dib unleashed a flurry of kicks, launching the Asian smack into a wall. You...have learned! The Asian's subtitles read. The floor crumbled and the Asian disappeared, and Dib fell through the air and onto another white room. Here, a man with a machine gun and no shirt (again) said, "You must always be a misunderstood Vietnam vet with a giant arsenal of guns. Always try to evoke sympathy while shooting shit, and always seek vengeance!"

A gun materialized in Dib's hands, and suddenly the man began to run at Dib, firing off round after round from his machine gun. Dib took off down the room as his Zen powers had been disabled so he could learn the next thing and not cheat. He and the man fired at each other, rupturing the walls behind one another and causing the whole room to look like a crumbling mess. Evoke sympathy... came a voice in Dib's head.

"Augh! The voices in my head are back!" Dib screamed as he shook his large head.

"Yes! Play up 'mentally unhinged!'" the man said just before one of Dib's bullets pierced him. He keeled over, disappeared, and the floor crumbled again as Dib hurtled towards the next floor.

Standing in wait for him this time stood a bald man, also equipped with a gun. Now Dib noticed a bomb had appeared in his hands. Dib dropped it at first, but then realized its fuse was unlit, and picked it up.

"Explosives, swearing, and stupid catchphrases," the bald man exclaimed, "Are key to being a badass! And don't ever star in a movie where you use music to time attacks, because that's gay! God did I learn that the hard way..."

And so Dib threw the bomb, which he had lit the fuse to, at the guy, blowing him up in a fiery inferno. "Clean up...on aisle seven... bitch!" Dib exclaimed.

"That...sucked..." the man gasped as he disappeared and the floor crumbled one final time. Dib floated Zen-like, deciding he wanted to avoid a concussion.

Now, the person on the final floor in front of Dib reminded him of himself; he was wearing a long black trench coat and dark black shades. "You... need to learn... to use... computers and do cool powers..." said the man in a monotone and wooden voice.

"Damn it, who let 'Canoe' back in here?" the Austrian shouted as he shot the shades-wearer from behind. "Now Dib, your final test..."

In a flash, several hundred men with full body armor and AK-47s appeared. As the Austrian stood at the back of the room, he shouted, "You must learn to waste and not be wasted!" The men charged towards Dib. Dib went crane style on the first one's ass, then grabbed up his gun and mowed down several of his assailants, as well as exploding conveniently placed gas canisters to destroy even more guys. The hail of bullets came pouring at Dib, but he flipped and dodged each one, occasionally slowing down time just to catch a few and throw them back at whoever fired them. Two buff guys with Gatling guns charged forwards now, and Dib's bullets pinged off of their skin. Several of the original attackers piled onto Dib, nearly suffocating him. The remaining soldiers stopped to see if he was dead or not. Then, in a flash of blue and yellow light, Dib sent the men on top of him barreling off into the sky. Dib then wielded one yellow and one blue elemental whip in either hand, causing deep lacerations in the men's bodies. With one final surge, every one of the attackers dropped dead. Dib panted heavily as the four teachers stepped onto the field amid the corpses and smoke.

"You four have had your fun," Dib panted. "But now it's my turn to kill!" the teachers applauded his enthusiasm right before he obliterated them all and flew out of his head.

"OMYGODWUTJUSTHAPPENED!" Dib gasped as he left his coma thing and found himself lying on the floor of the Ferrari mere seconds after the body had been dumped on the floor. Turning it over curiously, Dib discovered it to be an Irken! "Who is this?" Dib asked Zim, obviously too inquisitive to remember his previous anger.

Then the Irken lying on the ground sat straight up, gulped in a lungful of oxygen, breathed the words "It's...it's going to happen!" in as vague a word choice as possible, then collapsed in a fit of exhaustion. An explosion rocked the car immediately afterwards.

"Alright, I'll go see-"

"No, let me handle this!" Dib heroically shouted as he took off towards the unknown threat. He instantly choked and died when he leapt into space. Zim brought him back in, revived him, gave him a spacesuit thing, and then the boy dashed off (prepared this time) into the night. Or day. You can never really tell that kind of thing in space.

A/N: Sorry this was so late, but I had a shitload of shit I had to do for school. Now with spring break in just a little while I'll be able to update lot quicker. So, what is this new threat? Who is the Irken in Zim's Ferrari? Find out next time! P.S. If you know who the four "teachers" of Dib's subconscious are, plz comment!