Genin are so cute, Kakashi thought from his stump. Seriously. He almost felt a little bad watching his new team's crestfallen faces.

Almost.

The plan had actually been a good one. And it might have worked, if he hadn't taken the extra step to cheat. Then again, if he hadn't suspected that Shikamaru might have been able to come up with a good plan, he wouldn't have bothered holding himself in a Henge to look like an alarm clock for so long in the first place.

Hey – he had to make it a challenge somehow, and since they had already figured out the whole "no splitting up the teams once they've been formed" rule on the first day, that threw his original setup out the window. Besides, losing to a batch of fresh Genin from the Academy was kind of embarrassing, wasn't it? Even if there were three of them coming at you at once. Plus, staying in one position for all those hours was not easy. Really, that was an amazing accomplishment in and of itself.

Maybe these kids would be good for him. He was their sensei, after all. He had to always be one step ahead of them, at least until they finally reached an age where it was actually socially acceptable for them to surpass him. Though it was a bit embarrassing to admit, Kakashi had sort of slacked off after leaving ANBU. And it wasn't the physical aspect he was referring to – the kill-eat-sleep-train zombie cycle of his teens had not been healthy – it was the mental cycle as well. Though getting away with acting like a complete and utter jerkass was hard work, you could only exercise so much of your mind doing it.

A genius, a mind-reader, and the jinchuuriki of the Nine-Tailed Fox. He wondered just exactly how much these kids would let him get away with.

"So I have good news and bad news," he said.

"Oh, god," Ino muttered, sliding to the ground. "Please kill me now."

"You don't even know what it is yet," Kakashi said, feigning hurt.

"Bad news first?" Naruto tried.

"First, let me ask you: do you know what the point of this test was?" Kakashi asked them.

They stared at him blankly. "…to see if our skills were up to par?"

"What sort of skills?" Kakashi asked.

"Things."

"What sort of things?"

"Stuff."

Ah, crap, Hatake, he chided himself. They're learning.

"How about this: why do you think I only had two bells, and threatened to send one of you back to the Academy?" he tried.

"Reasons?"

"What sort of reasons?"

"Things."

"And what sort of things?"

"Stuff."

Was this how other people normally felt, talking to him?

Oh, well. You learned something new every day.

"Look, just because I'm a Yamanaka doesn't mean I can read minds," Ino said, putting her hands on her hips. She paused. "Well. I meant your mind. Daddy said you're messed up."

Really? Was that what Yamanaka was telling his daughter?

He needed to try harder then. He had been sure the man had called him "totally and irreversibly insane" at his last psych evaluation.

"It was an obvious bluff anyway," Shikamaru muttered. "You're not allowed to split up the teams once they've been formed. You have to pass and fail us together. That's how things work. And even if youwere allowed to split us up, the test would still be impossible alone. You're a Jonin. We're Genin. The only reason why you'd give us an impossible challenge is if you wanted us to figure something out."

"Wait – " Naruto interrupted. "So were we or were we not supposed to work together?"

Kakashi sighed, deciding that dancing around the topic was too much of a waste of time. Not that he had much else to do at the moment. "Yes, Naruto. The whole purpose of the test was to see if you guys could work together. Fighting me, defeating me, getting the bells, whatever – that was just a ruse to drive a wedge between you guys. Naturally, since you saw through it before the test even started, it was exceptionally easy for you. The previous teams, on the other hand…"

"Previous teams?" Naruto asked.

"They've been giving me teams for years now, and every year I give the same test, and every year up until now they've all failed. Because they put themselves before the team."

"But why?" Shikamaru asked, baffled. "Surely they realized that it was impossible for them to win in a one-on-one fight? I mean, no offense, Naruto, but even you realized that you couldn't beat him alone after some point, right?"

Naruto shrugged. "Sure, I guess."

Kakashi shrugged. "Not everyone is as smart as you are, Shikamaru. Or maybe they knew, on the inside, but they still thought they had a chance anyway."

"But why would they do that when working together is so much easier?"

"Because unlike you, they actually fell for my lies. They actually thought that one of them would have to go back to the Academy, and so, they turned against their own teammates, instead of the more logical decision – that I, as a stranger and a Jonin, was a more dangerous opponent than their classmates of the same level." Kakashi shrugged. "Plus, you know how they try to balance out the teams. Every year, I'm always the guy that gets the team with the Rookie of the Year and the Dead Last. So there's always that one guy who thinks that he's better than everyone else, therefore simply treats the other two as dead weight. I'm glad to see that you're an exception though, Shikamaru." But, that was expected. Shikaku Nara was a wise man; he wouldn't have spoiled his precious little clan genius into thinking that he was god's gift to man.

"Oh."

Kakashi rubbed his chin. "Now that you mention it, though, that could have happened this year."

"What are you talking about?" Ino asked.

"Sasuke, probably," Shikamaru answered. "You know how he treats Naruto. And the rest of us, actually. But never mind that."

Ino looked at her teammate, and Kakashi saw a flash of guilt flickered across her face. "Oh."

Kakashi smiled at them – and for once it wasn't one of his infamous I-am-trying-to-make-you-angry-on-purpose smiles. It was only day two and they were already infinitely better than he, Rin, and Obito ever were. Seems like the Academy was actually smart this year and didn't put the two classic rivals together. That would have been hell on earth.

Shikamaru shrugged. "It's okay, Ino. As long as we're on a team together, we won't have to worry about any of that. That means you, too, Naruto."

"Wait," Naruto interrupted. "So does this mean we pass…?"

Kakashi responded cheerfully, "Of course! From now on – "

"HAH! TAKE THAT! I, THE GREAT NARUTO UZUMAKI, AM NOW A NINJA! FEAR ME AND MY – OW! That hurt, Ino!"

"Stop being so LOUD!" Ino scolded him, brushing off the lid of her bento where she had whacked Naruto over the head with it. Shikamaru gave her a sarcastic glance, and started poking at his own box of rice. "But you really mean it? You're our sensei now?"

"That's right. Now eat up. You've already had a long day, and missions start tomorrow."

"YES! MISSIONS! What will it be, Kakashi-sensei? Are we going to be rescuing princesses and – ow!"

"They're called D-ranks, Naruto. It's nothing to get excited about," Ino sniffed.

"What's a D-rank?" Naruto asked, rubbing his head.

"Oh my god, Naruto, how can you not know?!" Ino sighed exasperatedly, and Kakashi watched in amusement as she started detailing the entire mission ranking and organization structure to the poor overwhelmed boy. "You have to know this stuff, Naruto! You're on our team now and I won't deal with you slacking off! How do you ever expect to become Hokage if you can't even rank missions? That's a major part of the job description! Do you even know what the Hokage does? Or were you asleep for that lesson, too?"

"Uhhh…"

"That's IT, Naruto! As soon as we finish lunch, you are coming to my house and you and I are going to learn everything that you clocked out on during your six years at the Academy, and Shikamaru, I expect you to be there, too, because he's our teammate and I won't have him lagging behind and…"

Kakashi was still smiling as they sauntered away. If they thought his D-ranks were going to be boring, they had another thing entirely coming their way.


The Yamanaka Compound, that afternoon

Ino didn't know how she was supposed to feel about Naruto. He really was a nice and well-meaning kid, but he was so annoying! If Naruto wasn't going to start shaping up sometime soon, they were all going to die. Literally. That boy was going to get himself killed someday.

She would have preferred Choji to Naruto, since Choji actually knew what he was doing. Plus he wasn't so loud. Yeah, she knew she could be loud, too, but she wasn't loud all the time like Naruto. And when she yelled she actually had a reason, such as someone being dumb, like Naruto! Not Naruto, who just bragged about becoming Hokage for the heck of it.

But she supposed things could be worse. Sakura was stuck on a team with dogs and bugs. Not that there was anything wrong with dogs, but Kiba was almost as annoying as Naruto and Shino was just…weird. He wasn't a bad guy, but he was…yeah, weird was the best way to describe it. With all the – the bugs and stuff. Not good. Ino didn't like bugs. They were creepy.

Meanwhile, the one girl in the world that wasn't in love with Sasuke was the one who got to be on a team with him! How unfair was that? Ino wasn't stupid; she saw the way Hinata blushed and sighed at Naruto every day. Now, why she had a crush on Naruto of all people, she didn't know (well, he was kind of cute, but in that annoying-little-brother-that-you-wouldn't-look-twice-at-if-your-mom-didn't-make-you-look-after-him-all-the-time way), but she did know that it was pretty much obvious to everyone except Naruto himself.

Poor girl. And she was too shy to even approach the boy directly. And a direct approach was the only way to get through to a blockhead like Naruto.

In an ideal situation, she would have Sasuke-kun on her team as well, but since she already had Shikamaru, that wouldn't be fair. Shikamaru wasn't too bad. He wasn't dreamy like Sasuke, but he was all right. Objectively speaking he'd be an 7/10. Of course, she couldn't think of him in the same way as she thought of Sasuke, because they were childhood friends and that was just kind of weird, but whatever. Shikamaru was a decent person – kind, respectful, hardworking, and smart. He wouldn't have any trouble finding a girl in the future, and if he did, then Ino would be there to set him up.

To be honest, before their giant fight, she had always imagined Sakura and Shikamaru ending up together. They were really alike, and Sakura was a smart girl once she got over the whole large forehead thing. But no, she just had to go and drive a wedge between them. After all those years of Ino protecting her from Ami and her posse, Sakura just broke their friendship. Over Sasuke. Ino had been willing to compromise and set her up with Shikamaru. But no. Sakura refused to settle for anything less than Sasuke.

Maybe it was kind of her fault, too. She didn't blame Sakura for wanting to get out under her shadow and find her own way. And she didn't blame Sakura for wanting what she thought to be the best guy to herself. She just wished that they didn't have to become enemies to do it. Maybe a few years down, when times had changed and they got a bit more mature, they'd be able to negotiate over this whole thing again.

Dealing with boys was such hard work.

Ino sighed as she pushed another practice book problem at Naruto. How he made it past first grade she didn't know. He still had trouble reading kanji and performing basic arithmetic – two things that were absolutely required in order to master more complicated jutsu theory later on. Glancing back at Naruto's paper, she realized that he had put as three times four as eighteen.

"You did it wrong!" she yelled. "Four plus four is eight plus four is twelve! It's twelve, not eighteen! Three times six is eighteen!"

"Ugh, okay, okay!" Naruto winced, hastily fixing his answer. "You don't have to bite my head off! Sheesh, what are you, my mother?"

Ino was about to retort to that, when she remembered that Naruto didn't have a mother. Then she realized that everything she knew about reading and writing and math, her mother had taught her. Much of what she learned in the Academy, she had already learned at home beforehand. The Academy spent very little, if any, time on basic reading and writing. When you walked into that classroom, and they started jumping into all that theory and history, they expected you to know all that stuff on your own. And Naruto, of course, knew none of that, because no one had been there for him. No wonder he had so much trouble paying attention. He didn't understand any of the things they were throwing at him.

Now she felt bad for yelling at him all the time.

"…Yeah. That's right. I am your mother," she told him with finality. "NOW BUCKLE DOWN, MISTER! BECAUSE I WON'T HAVE YOU DRAGGING DOWN OUR TEAM JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW THAT THREE TIMES FOUR IS TWELVE!"

"GAAAAHHHH! I'M SORRRYYYY!" Naruto wailed.

On the other hand, if that was the only way to get him to concentrate on the important stuff, then she'd yell at him all she wanted.

She was sure that if Naruto's mother, whoever she was, had been alive, she'd be yelling at him just as much, too.


A bar in downtown Konoha, that night

There wasn't anything particularly special about this place, but it was one of the two favorite hangouts of the Jonin circle of Konoha anyway. Dubbed The Rusty Kunai in faded red paint, the man who ran it apparently was a veteran who had been disabled in the Third Secret War, and as such fellow shinobi and their friends often came by to pay their respects. Since today had been Genin Testing Day, it meant that the place was a bit more crowded than usual, as the younger Chunin and Jonin who hadn't been a part of the Third War dropped by as well to catch up on the latest gossip.

Iruka Umino was one of them. The final team assignments weren't due until tomorrow, and he was dying to know if little Naruto had passed. Apparently the man he had unwittingly assigned the poor kid to was the most ruthless tester of all of them. He hoped that they were all right, though. If what Genma had said was true, then maybe he had a slight advantage. Unless Kakashi Hatake had requested the boy for less-than-friendly reasons.

But no. No self-respecting shinobi would stoop so low as to get petty revenge on a Genin, even if he was the Kyuubi jinchuuriki, right? (He tried not to think of Mizuki.)

Speaking of which, the man had entered the bar now, his tall shock of silver scarecrow-puff clearly standing out against the rest of the dark-haired crowd.

"Hey, Kakashi! How was it?" Asuma Sarutobi – the Sandaime's son; he knew that – asked.

Kakashi shrugged, and there was a collective disappointed groan from the mass of people.

"Oh, not again, Hatake? That makes this, what, the fifth team you've failed?"

Iruka's heart sunk.

"They passed," Kakashi corrected him, sliding onto a stool, and, in the process, pushing Iruka off of it. Slightly stunned at first, and then indignant, he stood up with a disgruntled huff and attempted to reclaim his seat, only to be stopped by another regular.

"This the first time you've been here, kid?"

"One, I have a name, and two, what's it to you?"

"Look, that guy's stolen my seat before, too. Don't bother. It's not going to work. Once he's planted his ass on something he'll be superglued to it until he decides otherwise."

Asuma snickered. Iruka gaped. Kakashi ignored him.

WHAT SORT OF JERK WAS THIS GUY?

The wide-eyed Chunin glanced around the room, trying to find somewhere else to sit, only to realize that there were no empty seats. Probably the reason why Naruto's new teacher had edged him off his own in the first place. He hoped Naruto wouldn't be learning any bad habits from this guy anytime soon. Come to think of it, he actually knew him from his mission reports. Yes, that was right! Kakashi Hatake – the guy who always turned in his mission reports at least three days late and purposefully made them nigh-illegible!

Did this guy exist solely for the purpose of making other people angry?

"Contrary to popular belief," the man interrupted, "I actually don't exist solely for the purpose of making other people angry."

Before Iruka could wrap his mind around that, Asuma Sarutobi had interrupted with a highly sarcastic, "Really, now?"

"Oh, all right," Hatake admitted. "Just most of the time. Which, mind you, is extremely different from all the time."

"Extremely different? Really?"

"Yes. Extremely different. For example: would you rather your heart was beating all the time, or just most of the time?"

"All right. You've got a point there."

"Wait, sorry – did you say you passed a team?" Genma interjected, getting them back on topic. At that moment, the little circles of gossiping shinobi suddenly all merged into one giant conglomerate, centered on their group.

Wait – so Naruto had passed?

"Yep," Kakashi answered them, lifting a bowl of sake to his lips. The atmosphere in the room tensed. Then, just before he was about to take a sip, he paused and lowered the bowl to the collective disappointment of everyone in the room to add, "They actually figured out the trick." He lifted the bowl to his lips again, then paused, and brought it back down. "And they almost got the bells, too." Finally, he reached for his mask, while bringing the bowl up at the same time – before letting go and bringing the bowl back down –

"OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" some purple-haired lady in a tan trench coat screamed. She smashed something on the ground – was that a camera? – and stalked out of the bar, fuming.

"What's going on?" Iruka mouthed to a scarred man standing next to him.

"Mask," the man mouthed back. Iruka raised an eyebrow. The man clarified, "Everyone wants to know what's underneath it, but all he ever does is dick around and lead us on."

Iruka raised an eyebrow and then returned to his drink. Whatever. I don't care – and paused mid-thought, only to realize that all of a sudden, he was curious now…and damn it! He hadn't had a problem with any of that before until someone had mentioned to him that –

"By the way," Kakashi suddenly said out loud, "did you know that you can actually see your own nose? Your brain just cancels it out automatically. Most people don't even realize it's there until I point it out."

"Huh, you're right," Asuma said, going cross-eyed, as did the rest of the people who heard him. And then three seconds later, "Dammit, Hatake! Now I can't get rid of it!"

Iruka suddenly realized that yes, there was this thing called a nose right in the middle of his field of vision, and no, it wasn't going away.

"Fuck you, Hatake," Genma muttered.

Kakashi Hatake smirked. "You're welcome."

"What a jerk," Iruka muttered.

"You don't even know half of it."

Hatake snickered, then brought the bowl back up, only to bring it down again (at this there was an audible groan coming from everybody in the bar), "And before you ask, it's Naruto Uzumaki, Shikamaru Nara, and Ino Yamanaka."

"Oh. That kid. The Nara that actually tried," Genma snickered. "You should have heard the headache Umino had over him."

"I'm right here, you know!" Iruka yelled.

"I know, Umino. That's why I said it."

One of the many Nara family members sighed. "Still don't get why Uncle Shikaku chose Aunt Yoshino of all people."

"And now we see the result of their unholy union."

"So what'd he do?"

"Yeah, Hatake, what did he do?"

"I'm more interested about the Uzumaki boy, myself. Still can't believe he passed."

"He's not a bad kid," Iruka protested. "Troublesome, but not bad."

"Careful with that word, or people will think you're one of us."

Iruka glanced at the random Nara cousin that had just popped up by his side. "…Bad?"

"No, troublesome."

"Maybe he secretly is. He's got the hair for it," another Nara said, poking his ponytail. Iruka hastily ducked out of the way.

"Might as well call the rest of the pineapple heads here; how about that?"

"Oi! Who're you callin' a pineapple head?"

"I'm not calling you anything. Just sayin' that you can't hold your liquor, is all."

"Oh."

"Dammit, Fujaiwa, you're as dumb as an ox."

"What did you say about me?!"

"He said you're as dumb as an ox, Fujaiwa!"

"No I didn't! I said you're as smart as an ox!"

"Oh. Okay. That's better."

It seemed like quite a few patrons had already been here long enough to get just a bit tipsy. One of them stood up and fell over, and had a friend not caught him in time, he would have chipped a few teeth against the floor. As his friend dragged him away, Iruka realized that there was now an open seat, and started edging past the crowd to get to it.

"So how are they?" Asuma asked, scooting backwards a little bit so that Iruka could get to a recently vacated chair. Alas, it was not to be, for just when he had made it past him, someone else had taken the spot, and he was left standing in the middle of the room again.

"They're good kids. They get along. Of course, I'll have to do something about their clothing choice," Kakashi muttered. "Orange. Orange. What the hell was the Sandaime thinking, letting him run around in clothes like that? He's already blonde!" He suddenly sat up straight, as he realized, "I've got two blondes on my team, Asuma! They'll stand out like fireflies! Help!"

"I'm sure they'll be fine. You have white hair, and you're still here, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I suppose."

"Sakura has pink hair, if your misery wants company. And she wears red," a woman in a dress of bandages spoke up from behind Asuma. "And all this business with using three different types of conditioner. I don't know what it is with kunoichi these days. All she ever seems to talk about is dieting and looking pretty for boys."

"Ah, yes," Kakashi muttered. "That, too."

"If we're going down that train, then I suppose I should complain about that big red target sign on the back of Sasuke's shirt. He refuses to cover it up, too. Something about his clan and whatnot." Asuma knocked back another shot glass. "Not that the big red swirly mark on the back of our flak jackets are any better, I guess."

"Have you tried telling him that those shirts were only for wear inside the village?" the woman, Kurenai, asked. "Anyone who remembers the Uchiha clan knows that all of them, even Fugaku, covered up on outside missions."

Asuma reached for another shot glass and started complaining something about "stuck-up little Genin who don't know what's good for them." Iruka half-heartedly listened to the newly minted Jonin sensei complain (truthfully, unfortunately) about the young students that he had worked so hard to train. He wondered if he should just move, when just then, another seat opened up, on the other side of the room, near the door. Iruka took this as an answer – yes – and this time, he was determined to get to it before anyone else did.

"To be honest, I'm seriously worried about Sasuke," he could hear Asuma saying. "He's skilled, but he's got terrible team dynamics."

"Is he just antisocial, or does he actually go out of his way to hurt people's feelings?" Kurenai asked. "Because if he's just antisocial…"

"He doesn't do it on purpose, I don't think, but, well. He's blunt. And Hinata's a sensitive girl. He doesn't go out of his way to hurt her on purpose but he definitely makes it clear that he doesn't respect her. He considers Choji to be quite beneath him, too. He works hard to hone his skills, at least, but he doesn't seem to appreciate the fact that his teammates are also doing the same thing…"

At last. Iruka had reached his new seat, and was just about to settle down onto the cushion to relax, when –

"AH! MY GREAT AND ESTEEMED RIVAL! I HEAR RUMORS THAT YOU FINALLY PASSED A GENIN TEAM! IS THIS TRUE? THEN LET US REJOICE! AND ONE DAY OUR TEAMS SHALL COMPETE IN A CONTEST OF YOUTHFULNESS – "

And Iruka Umino found himself wobbling back in his original seat, courtesy of a Kawarimi. The door to the bar was swinging emptily on is hinges.

That jerkass.

"Hatake?" Asuma Sarutobi gave him a sympathetic look.

"Hatake," he confirmed.

"MY DEAR AND CHERISHED RIVAL! BUT WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!"

"Cheers," Asuma nodded, pushing a shot glass at him. Iruka took a good, long look at it, and then decided, what the hell, and emptied it.

"You think Naruto will be okay?" Iruka asked, feeling the burn of liquor on his throat.

"Kid, no one in our profession's ever okay," Asuma replied bitterly. "But yeah, he'll be okay."


A/N: So I did the math this time! Kakashi joined ANBU shortly after the Obito mission, so he was 13. He was in ANBU for ~10 years according to the Naruto wikia, so inclusive that would be until he was 22. From there, up until age 26 (remember, we're using inclusive years) that would be 5 teams.