This is a humor/parody fic I wrote when the Lord of the Rings trilogy was coming out in theaters.
Summary: Things that the Fellowship might say or do...If I had my insane hand in it.
Disclaimer: All belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien and his descendants and companies who own all the rights to LotR.
IV. The Extended Edition
Gladden Fields
Isildur: *Ring slides off his finger* Damn Elrond and his Honey Handcream.
Hobbiton
Frodo: You're late.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Frodo *sneering*: Don't even try it.
Gandalf: Try what?
Frodo: Using your wizard routine to dodge responsibility. "I've got things going on you Hobbits don't even want to know about", blah blah secrecycakes. You've got a sweet deal here. Come and go as you please, not having to answer to anyone. Where do I sign up?
:: *-* ::
Hobbit children: Gandalf! Gandalf! Fireworks? Gandalf? *Gandalf pretends to ignore the children* Awwww.
Gandalf: *fireworks suddenly go off from the cart, Hobbit children cheer, Gandalf laughs and makes a face* Ooh.
Frodo: Please tell me that look doesn't mean you did what I think you did to light those fireworks.
Bag End
Gandalf: Good to see you. One hundred and eleven years old. Who would believe it? You haven't aged a day. *Bilbo produces a bottle* Ah. Elrond's Evening Primrose Moisturising Lotion.
Bilbo: And Facial Scrub. You should try it, does wonders for the complexion.
Gandalf: *sadly* Alas, can't. Got to keep up the wizened wizard look.
:: *-* ::
Shire
Bilbo: Mrs. Bracegirdle, how nice to see you. Welcome, welcome. Are all these children yours?
Mrs. Bracegirdle: Hmm.
Bilbo: Good gracious, you have been productive.
Mrs. Bracegirdle: Not much else to do in the country.
Bilbo: *shudders*
:: *-* ::
Pippin: *in tent with fireworks* Done.
Merry: You're supposed to stick it in the ground!
Pippin: It is in the ground.
Merry: Outside! Ah, if I only I had a brain...
Green Dragon Inn
Gaffer: Young Mr. Frodo here, he's cracking.
Frodo: And proud of it!
Gaffer: What is the matter with that family? *points to head* There's something wrong here. Idiocy? Hereditary, perhaps. Both of them, too. Very sad. Very sad, indeed.
:: *-* ::
Ted: Good night, sweet maiden of the golden ale!
Sam: Mind who you're sweet-talking.
Frodo: Don't worry, Sam. Rosie knows an idiot when she sees one. *chuckles*
Sam: Hey!
Bag End
Frodo: *opens the door and notices that the house seems to have been broken into.* Hm. Dark shadows and moonlight. Eerie wind. Littered papers. Danger, Will Robinson!
Gandalf: *grabs Frodo's shoulder from behind.* Is it secret? Is it safe?
Frodo: "It?"
:: *-* ::
Gandalf: I looked everywhere for the creature Gollum. But the enemy found him first. I dont know how long they tortured him. Amidst the endless screams and inane babble, they discerned two words:
(Gollum vo.) : Shire! Baggins!
Frodo: Shire. Baggins. But that would lead them here!
Gandalf: No, it would lead them to the other Shire with the other Bagginses. Honestly, Frodo.
:: *-* ::
Gandalf: What did you hear? Speak!
Sam: N-n-n-nothing important. That is I heard a good deal about a Ring and a Dark Lord and something about the end of the world but...
Gandalf: Give the whole plot away, why don't you! The Lord of the Rings in fifteen words.
The Shire
Gandalf: Come along Samwise, keep up! Be careful both of you. The Enemy has many spies in his service: birds, beasts.
Sam: Evil squirrels.
:: *-* ::
Sam: Everywhere I lie there's a dirty great root sticking into my back.
Frodo: The princess and the pea...
Isengard
Saruman: I gave you the chance of aiding me willingly. But you...have elected...the way of pain!
Gandalf: *flying upward* You...are...such...a...drama...queen!
The Shire
Sam: Mister Frodo? Frodo! Frodo! *Frodo emerges from the bend in the path, looking puzzled* I thought I'd lost you.
Frodo: It's a corn field, where am I going to go?
Woody End Forest
Frodo: I have to leave the Shire. Sam and I must get to Bree.
Merry: Off you go then! Ta-ta!
Frodo: Merry!
Merry: Oh, all right.
Buckleberry Ferry
Hobbits: Jump, Frodo! Go on, faster! Jump! *Frodo leaps onto the raft.*
Nazgul: *stops short, is thrown clear of horse and lands on raft* That's going to need some ice.
A room in the Prancing Pony
*Frodo stumbles in room, falls to his knees, and stands up quickly, putting his back to the wall*
Strider: Are you frightened?
Frodo: Lemme see. You drag me violently up the stairs, throw me in a room, shut the door and proceed to put all the candles out. I'm thinking a big fat yes!
outside Bree
Frodo: *to Aragorn* Where are you taking us?
Sam: A question I would have asked before leaving.
:: *-* ::
Merry: How do we know this Strider is a friend of Gandalf's?
Frodo: We don't. We just take his word for it and follow him into the wild like idiots.
:: *-* ::
Pippin: *gets hit in the head with an apple* Three guesses as to who the Fellowship's whipping boy's going to be.
somewhere in the wild
Aragorn: 'Tis the Lay of Luthien. The Elf-maiden who gave her love to Beren, a mortal.
Frodo: What happened to her?
Aragorn: She died. Get some sleep, Frodo.
Frodo: Thanks for cramming that in a nutshell, tragic samurai-poet.
Rivendell
Bilbo: My old sword, Sting! Here! Take it, take it!
Frodo: It's so light!
Bilbo: Yes...yes-made by the Elves you know. The blade glows blue when Orcs are close. And it's times like that my lad, when you'll have to be extra careful!
Frodo: Extra careful around Orcs? You don't say.
:: *-* ::
Frodo: Mordor, Gandalf, is it left or right?
Gandalf: *stares at Frodo* Left. The hand with the index finger and thumb you can use to form an "L" is your left hand. And this is the one we entrust the fate of all of Middle-earth to.
somewhere in Middle-earth
Gandalf: And the Ring? You feel its power growing, don't you? I've felt it too. You must be careful now. Evil will be drawn to you from outside the Fellowship. And, I fear, from within.
Boromir: *walks past* Do I know my cue or what?
West Gate of Moria
Gandalf: I once knew every spell in all the tongues of Elves, Men and Orcs.
Pippin: Memory starting to go, old chap?
:: *-* ::
Aragorn: *unhitches Bills bridle* The mines are no place for a pony, even one so brave as Bill.
Sam: Are you sure? He did fine on the mountain amidst violent snow storms.
:: *-* ::
Boromir: *Frodo is released by the Watcher in the Water and falls into his arms* Does tentacle spew come out with dry cleaning?
Mines of Moria
Gandalf: I have no memory of this place.
Frodo: He says three days into the mines. But I'm not panicking.
