A/N: chapter four is up! I'm on a study break right now, wich means I was able to update regularly the past two weeks. Please don't get used to it, school starts within the next two weeks and I'll have less time to write the chapters.

Anyway, a person's life is full of ups and downs and Alex Vause's life is no exception. In the upcoming snippets you'll come across good times and bad times which possibly may contain all sorts of triggers.

And I'm sorry, Guest reviewer, 'D' is not for Diane, but I love to write about her relationship with Alex, so she will be in this fic a lot.

If you have any suggestions for the upcoming letters, please let me know! Not saying I'm gonna use them, but I may get inspired.

Oh and don't worry everyone, somewhere in the following chapters, Piper will be there too. Because, Vauseman is endgame, right?

D ~ Dismay

February 24, 2000

My palms were sweating heavily as I approached the door that led to the basement. I had just witnessed a performance by Death Maiden in some live music bar I had never visited before. As I knocked on the door, my heart was almost beating out of my ribcage. There was no turning back now. In just a few seconds, I was going to meet my dad for the very first time. I nervously stuffed my hands into the pockets of my leather jacket, trying to look nonchalant and cool. I've waited all my life for this moment and didn't want to screw it up.

The door opened quickly, and my eyes locked with his. I was taken aback by their color, it was almost as if I was staring into my own.

"Who are you?" he asked suspiciously. His voice sounded deep and raspy, another trait I inherited from him, I realized. There was no doubt that this was the man I was looking for.

"I'm Alex," I was glad my voice sounded steady. He didn't seem to recognize the name and raised his eyebrows, waiting for me to clarify myself. I couldn't blame him. He didn't even know that I existed.

"I'm your daughter," I couldn't contain the proud smile that appeared on my face.

I could tell that this new piece of information startled him. "Holy shit," he sighed. "Come in."

He spoke again, as I followed him into a narrow hallway. "So, who is your mom?"

"Diane, Diane Vause. She was your girlfriend in 1979."

He snorted at my words. "Oh yeah, I remember the name, but she wasn't my girlfriend. She was some kind of underaged groupie. I only fucked her a couple of times. Great memories, though."

I was completely at a loss for words, his tone was quite rude, and my mom always told me something different. On the other hand, I should have seen this coming. He probably didn't want to admit that he had loved my mom, it wouldn't suit his rock god image.

We stepped inside a slightly darkened room. The space was full of smoke, caused by the dozens of cigarettes that lay in the ashtray. The coffee table in the middle of the room was littered with empty beer bottles and I could definitely see some traces of cocaine. The surroundings made me feel uneasy, but I tried to push te feeling away. I was here to welcome my dad into my life. Not even drugs and alcohol could ruin this moment.

"Guys, this is Alex, my kid. Apparently, I knocked up some girl back in '79," he introduced me to the other people in the room, as he handed me a beer.

"Doesn't surprise me, Lee. You probably knocked up a lot of women in the eighties and nineties. Those were some great times for you, right? I wonder how many kids on this earth have your genes," a woman who was sitting on the ground laughed. My dad raised his middle finger at her.

I sat down on the couch next to the guitarist named Jimmy. My dad continued to talk to me about one of the songs he wrote, about how the band was supposed to be in Philly right now, and about how the guy sitting next to me, had punched some booking agent. I just watched him and didn't say a word. He was tall, he looked a lot older than my mom, and judging by the look of his clothes, I could tell he was still stuck in the eighties.

He knelt in front of me, causing me to grin from ear to ear. "I can't believe you're my kid man! You're my kid! I'm so happy to see you." His words were sincere and they made me feel so welcome.

"Yeah, me too," I beamed at him.

"Because I would've never recognized you in a million years," he confessed, "and you got a serious rack on you, too."

I glanced down to look at my breasts. I noticed that my white shirt had shifted slightly, causing me to show some cleavage. It must have happened when I sat down on the couch a few minutes ago, and by the way my dad was kneeling in front of me, it must have caught his attention. I quickly adjusted my shirt and covered my breasts with my jacket, shielding them from his gaze. I was a little shocked by the comment and was about to change the subject of our conversation, as he spoke again.

"I mean, I could have accidentally fucked her, right?" he stated to the woman next to me. "But that would have been bad. No, seriously, that's … that's twisted. I didn't say that."

I felt my stomach churn and my hands started fidgeting with my hair. His words made me feel disgusted and dirty. The woman sitting on the ground seemed to appreciate his twisted mind and started laughing out loud. My breathing quickened and I knew I had to get out of this place before I slipped into a full-blown panic attack. I stood up, made my way into the bathroom and closed the door behind me.

I couldn't believe what just had happened. I tried to regain my breathing, my vision blurred as I could already feel the tears stinging in my eyes. I hastily wiped them away and composed myself. I wanted to go home and just forget this whole meeting with my dad. I opened the door and was startled when some brown eyes locked into mine.

"Jesus, you scared me," I said to the man who was standing in front of me.

"You okay?" he sounded sincerely worried.

"I'm fine. I'm just… I'm just gonna go home," I answered, giving him a smile. I didn't want him to know that I felt sick to the stomach by my father's comments.

"He's not what you thought." It wasn't a question.

We continued to talk for a little while and he introduced himself as Fahri. Suddenly, he retrieved a little test tube from his pocket and held it out in front of me. I instantaneously recognized it as cocaine.

"You want a bump?" he offered.

"No, thanks,"I snorted, but immediately felt curious. I had never done hard drugs. Matt and I sometimes smoked weed when we're hanging out together and I always enjoyed weed right after I had sex with Digger. Smoking marijuana helps me relax and enjoy the sexual afterglow a little longer.

My mouth went dry as I thought about her. I didn't want to think about the girl. She broke up with me only two weeks ago. It came as a fucking surprise. We were together for ten months, before she fell in love with some other girl. She broke my heart into a million pieces. I quickly shifted my attention back to Fahri, before I started crying in front of him.

"Fahri, what are you doing hanging out with these losers?"

"Uh, there my clients"

Apparently, Fahri worked for an international drug cartel and sold cocaine and heroin to junkies like my father and his bandmates. The whole situation with my dad made me feel tired and I wanted to go home as soon as possible. Fahri walked me back to my car, while we continued talking for a bit more.

"So, Alex, maybe we can hang out next week?" he asked me when I opened the car door.

"Like… as a date? Because, that's never gonna happen Fahri, you're not exactly my type," I chuckled.

"As friends. You're not exactly my type either." His answer made me wonder if he was into short blonde girls, or that he wasn't into women at all. His hand reached into the pocket of his jeans, as I stepped into my car. He was holding the little test tube between his thumb and forefinger, showing it to me once again. The white chrystal sparkled in front of my eyes.

"Are you sure you don't want it? Last chance. The first one is for free."

My breath hitched in my throat, but after a few seconds, I grabbed the cocaine from his hand and stuffed into my jacket. He grinned at me and we said our goodbyes.

I was driving for ten minutes, when suddenly, the whole situation with my dad replayed in my head. Over and over again, until I was forced to pull the car over to the side of the road, because I was sure I was going to throw up. I pushed the car door open, bent over, and retched a few times, but nothing came out. When the nausea subsided, I closed the car door, took a few deep breaths, started the engine again and drove home.

"Al, is that you?" my mom asked when she heard me closing the front door of our trailer. "I didn't expect you for at least an another two hours."

I stepped into our little kitchen and stared into my mom's blue eyes. I felt a wave of comforting safety flow through my body at the sight of her. My bottom lip quivered slightly, as my eyes filled with tears. "What's wrong sweetheart?" Her soothing voice caused me to burst into a fit of hysterical crying. My wailing seemed to startle my mother a bit. I almost never cry, I always want to appear strong for her. "Oh fuck," she mumbled and walked up to me, pulling me into a loving embrace. "Shhh, it's okay," she whispered into my ear, as her fingers stroked my black hair. She guided me over to the kitchen table, pushed me onto a chair, pulled my jacket off my shoulders, and sat across from me. "Tell me what happened, Al."

"H.. he was nice to me. He was so happy to s..see me," I hiccuped, but didn't continue, feeling shame creep up my body.

My mom was somewhat confused. "Okay that's good, but why are you crying?" she tried to encourage me to tell her the whole story.

"M..my t..tits," I was seriously stuttering at this point. The tears kept streaming over my face. "My tits…I..I don't..," I was so distraught that I could barely form a full sentence. I opened my mouth to try again, but my mom interrupted me.

"Alex, I have no idea what you're trying to say, but you know how I feel about you, referring to your breasts as tits, sweetheart. It sounds kind of vulgar and crude to me. I know you're an adult, but I'm still your mother and I don't want you to talk disrespectful about your body like that."

I wasn't in the mood for a lecture and was getting irritated.

"H..he commented on my tits, mom. According to him, I've got a serious rack om me. He treated me disrespectful," I said, as a deep crimson flush covered my face. My mother's eyes widened with shock. "He did what?" her voice was almost like a whisper, like she couldn't believe what I just told her.

"Yeah, he also said he could've accidentally fucked me, because he would never regocnize me. I'm so ashamed," I said as pushed my glasses onto the top of my head to wipe away all the tears.

My mom swallowed, she was so angry. I could see the veins in her neck pulsating. "You have no reason to feel ashamed, Al. You did nothing wrong. He is the one who should feel ashamed. What the fuck was he thinking, talking to his own daughter like that." Although I knew she was blazing with anger, she appeared dangerously calm. I knew she was trying to hold her composure for my sake.

"And you know what the worst part was?" I continued. "According to him, you weren't his girlfriend at the time. You were just a groupie who he'd fucked a couple of times."

She averted her eyes from my gaze, looking down. "You always told me you loved each other, mom. You made me believe I was some kind of love child." I couldn't hide the accusing tone in my voice.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't lie to you, Alex. I was in love with him," her voice sounded broken.

"Yeah, well, he didn't love you back. You were nothing more than a booty call to him. That's so cheap." I spat. I knew my mom didn't deserve the way I lashed out at her, but I was extremely hurt. I needed to let off some steam and get it out of my system. "Tell me the truth, mom. I was an accident, wasn't I?"

She snapped her head up and stared into my eyes. I could actually hear the clock ticking during the long silence. But then, she nodded. "Yes … yes, you were," she breathed.

I instantly felt stupid. Of course I was an accident. My mom was seventeen when she got pregnant, there was no stability, she had no job, no money, she lived at her best friend's parent's house and my dad was already in an another state before she even knew she was going to have his baby. Suddenly, I heard myself asking the question that was in my head for years. I had never tried to ask her, because I was too afraid to hear the answer.

"Did you ever consider abortion?"

"Alex, please… don't do this," tears were running down her cheeks at this point. "Answer the question, mom!" I ordered, but still scared to hear the answer.

"Yes"

My mouth went dry and my head was spinning. I wanted to scream at her, tell her I hated her, but I couldn't, because it wasn't true. My lips parted to let out a deep breath.

"Why didn't you do it?" I could tell she was getting more and more upset by the subject of our conversation.

"I…, I was already carrying you for sixteen weeks when I found out I was pregnant. I completely panicked and called the clinic for an abortion. The appointment was scheduled for the next morning."

The nausea crept up my throat once again and a disgusting taste formed inside my mouth. I moved to stand up from the chair, when my mom continued to speak, looking me straight in the eye.

"That day, I was already sitting in the waiting room, when I felt a fluttering in my womb for the very first time. I stood up and ran away. I decided that I wanted to take care of you. I wanted to be your mother. Of course I was scared, but I was convinced that we would make it through," she told me, never adverting her gaze from mine, while the tears fell onto her lap.

"I love you, Alex. You're the best thing that ever happened to me."

I didn't know what to say, there were so many questions swirling around my head.

"Have you ever regretted the decision to keep me?" I wasn't sure why I was asking her all of this. A part of me wanted to know the truth, but I didn't want to upset my mother. Although, the damage was already done.

"Please Al, please … stop," she practically begged me.

"No! I have the right to know, don't you think? So, I'm asking you again. Have you ever regretted the decision to keep me?"

I wasn't expecting to get an answer, but then, my mother's voice reached my ears again.

"No, never, but sometimes I can't help but feel so selfish, because I didn't put you up for adoption, Alex. Don't get me wrong, I love you to pieces and I would die for you, but I wasn't able to give you the childhood you deserved. You deserved to grow up with a mother and a father, in a nice house with a lovely garden for you to play in, parents who earned enough money to sign you up for sports and could afford to send you to college. But no, you had to grew up in a trailer park and had to wear clothes from the thrift shop, wich caused the kids at school to bully you. I always thought I would do better than my own mom, but I failed you. I'm so incredibly sorry about that, Alex."

I was thoroughly dismayed by all of her confessions. The anger and shock flowing through my veins subsided immediately. I couldn't recall seeing my mother so broken and vulnerable. She'always been strong, never spoke about her fears or her own upbringing before. It scared me a little. My throat tightened, the expression on my face softened and I gave her the most loving smile I could offer.

"Mom, please... I'm lucky. You're the best mother in the world. I am so blessed that you're mine. I get it, I truly do. If I were pregnant at seventeen, I would probably consider abortion or adoption too," I tried to comfort her.

She kissed me on the cheek and hugged me tightly. "I'm so sorry about what happened with your father and I'm so so sorry about what I just told you. I wish I could protect you from being hurt, but you're twenty years old, Al. You can make your own decisions and you're right, you deserve to know the truth," she whispered into my ear.

"I know mom. I feel hurt right now. It's a lot to take in. I'll need some time to process all of this," I said. "I think I'm going lie down on my bed for a while. I'm so tired."

"That's okay sweetheart, I'm going to the diner right now. I am working a night shift until six in the morning. Call me if you're not feeling okay and I'm coming home, allright?"

I nodded at her and kissed her on the cheek, before I walked straight into my bedroom. I took my shoes off, turned on the radio and settled down onto the bed. My head felt like it was going to explode and my eyelids were heavy.

Thirty minutes later, I woke up from a nightmare. I didn't even remember falling asleep. Tears were streaming down my face again, as I stood up from the bed. Seeing my mom so shattered by my questions, was more upsetting than the crass comments from my dad. The guilt was eating me up inside, as I suddenly remembered the little test tube in the pocket of my leather jacket. I needed to feel better. Before I could stop myself, my feet already stepped into the kitchen. My fingers reached into the pocket and curled around the glass cilinder form. I sat down on the couch, sprinkled a tiny amount of white powder on the back of my hand and brought it up to one nostril, blocking the other one with my tumb. I snorted the line completely, until the powder was all the way up in my nose. I repeated the motion as I brought a second line up to my other nostril and inhaled. I had never done this before, but I was sure I looked like a pro.

Within minutes, I felt the rhythm of my heart beat change, sweat trickled down my forehead, my mouth felt like it was coated with sand and my muscles completely relaxed. A explosion of orgasmic euphoria crashed into my body. The pleasure I was feeling was incredibly intense. The feeling lasted for twenty minutes, and when I came down from my high, I instantly felt better.

I stood up from the couch and made my way into the bathroom, craving a hot shower to wash my slightly sweat-covered body and let my muscles recover from the ecstasy. I undressed myself, turned on the shower, stepped under the steady stream and let the warm water consume me. My mind started racing, I couldn't believe what I had just done. Weed was mild, almost kind of innocent, but this… this was a whole other level. The image of getting addicted scared me to the core. When I finished washing myself, I turned the shower off and wrapped a towel around my body. My feet carried me to my bed and I got comfortable under the covers, not even bothering to dry myself off and get dressed.

I swore to myself that I would never do cocaine or any sort of hard drugs ever again, and drifted off into a dreamless sleep…