AN: Many author notes ahead! (He,he, "head")

FIRST thanks to my many devoted hundreds of reviewers!

if you Injoy my voyager story's I urge you please to check out my "THE ROOM" piece, called GHOSTS IF THE PAST. It is to date the most serious, intense and gut wrenching tales I've writen to date. I have recently edited it a bit, so it should be even more better to read now.

Second I will no longer be drinking Booz as I rite because Father OMally says it's a sin to indulge, so instead I'm snorting Coke (the soda) as inspiration.

...and now, THE CAST!

As a professional fanficer. I think my voyager re write warrants a cast listing, for when the TV executives discover this gem an decide to bring it to loaf.

CAST FOR "STAR TRAK: VOYAGER: SHIP OF MIRACLES:"


DREW CARREY as CAPTAIN JANE WAY

CHARLIE SHEEN as COMMANDER CHECOTEY

STORMY DANNIELS as NUMBER SEVEN

ANNA FARRIS as KESS

PETER FOCK'S ZOMBIE as ADMIRAL COLUMBO

LUCY LOO as ENDIGN BILLY KIM

THE CHICK WHO PLAYED THE ANGRY MEXICAN CHICK WITH THE EYE PATCH AT THE END OF "MACHETE" (spoiler !) as B'LANNA STARBUCK

CAPTAIN MALFOY FROM "FIREFLY" as LT TOM BOMBADIL

TOMMY WISEAU as SESKAH

SARAH PAILIN as QUARK

BILL CLINTON as PRESIDENT LAURA ROSALINDE

HALEY JOEL OSMAND as NAOMI WILDTHING

THE PILLSBERRY DOUGH BOY as NEEELIX

THE CHICK WHO VOICED POKAHONTAS WHO I WOOD TURN LES FOR as RANDOM N.D.N. ENSIGN WHO TALKED TO CHAKOTEH IN CHAPTER 3

RON BURGUNDY as KAZON CAPTAIN

CELOPHANE MURPHY as CHIEF O'BRAIN

STRAWBERRY YUMBERRY as THE BORG QUEEN

LET THE STORY BEGUN!

Commandre Chikachikaboomboom was cringed with fear at his Kazon and Kardashian captors. He struggled against the chain across his chest, the leather straps across his leg, the pink fizzy hand cuffs over his mouth, the mussle over his hands, the rope across his tummy, and the finger cuffs on his pinky, as the karsashyan spy's tongue inches closer n closer to his chocolate covered bod ...

ELSEWHERE

"fuck were almost outta time!" Said Seven to her away team.

"I'm running as fast as I can, you dastardly devious high tech damsel!" Said Dr Smith.

"Indeed," said the guy who says indeed (forgot his name again). "The Commander's time is indeed almost spent."

Sevens red dress and blond curls flew behind her as she ran. As her emotions rose, her Cylong Borg implants became moist with sweat.

"my try-quarter Can't find commander chakotuh's life signs." Cried B'Elanna Starbuck.

"wait" said seven "I herd something"

a voice ethereal and ghostly called "seven...you couldn't sav me bit you can save the commander ...down the hall and to the left "

"Kess?" Member Seven gasped

But the voice was gone .

Seven n her tem followf kess'ss instroction through the Kazon catycroooctobs and found Chipolte, lashed and bound to a table like a sacraficial stud on an Aztec alter in a porn-re-telling of Mezo-American history!

starbuck stabbed her ex best friend Seska in the back with a sharp foot ball. "You just made your last touch down!"the Klingon Cylcon hybrid spat.

"damn right," salsa gasps with her dying breath. "I've had my way w/ Chevrolet. Now we r married in the eyes of the gods!"

"Not quite," Chakotay smirked.

"YES quite!" Seska argued. "I sucked ur privates till they were ripe! You now beling to MEH in the eyes of katdashyin law, as we are officially married and you are my legal love slave."

""last time I cheked," the Nate of American man said, "my belly button was not a private part."

"what? But in the movie "the Room" tommy wiseu puts his thingy into Lisa's naval adn that's the sex scene!"

Number Seven explained, "tommy wiseu is a zombie Martian. Not an expert on human sexuality."

seska screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOIOOOOOOOOP!" Abd then expired.

"Seska me lov!" said her Kazon lover named Zam Wensleydale. "Get off my ship you murdering bung holes."

The team returned to voyager w the first officer, but alll wiz not well.

"Drat," said Hologram Dr Smith. "I've not seen a naval rash so bad since my impetuously impulsive niece Cassandra got her belly button pierced at the mall by a Ferengi named Bruno. Which is why I grounded her form joining me on my adventures in space after Season 2." (Another plot hole explaned, touch down !)

"Vat are our options!?" Asked captain Way, straitening her trench coat, and switching her eye patch to her other eye. "Vould eet help to kill moose and squirrel?"

"none of us can help him." Said the Doc. "But in our ship files is a back up holo-doctor for emergencies. I will activate him. Cumputer, activate Back Up EMH!"

everyone watches tensly as the new hologram formed, wondering who this new doctor wood be. Dr McCoy? Dr Crusher? Dr Seuss?

when the program finished formulating it was...Dr Frank N Furter!

TO BE CONTINUED...


It is now time for a little Q and A! The fan mail is already pouring in to my mail box here on FF. net. I always new I had the potential to be an internet celebrity, but never realized this dream would be realized so fast! And now, like Doug Walker and Jenna Marbles and all them other internet celebrities, I will answer me fan mail for all my fans to hear:

GUEST writes: Oh my. I read your summary and thought "Very cocksure of oneself"

ANSWER: Actually, I am not quite 100% cock sure. I am mostly sure that I am a female, but my gender identity is still in question. Doctors think they may indeed have found a cock in my privates, but it may also be a forgotten tampon.

Doc Yowel writes: Comecei o dia lendo isso, ri muito! estou pronta para uma quarta-feira chata! Obrigada!

ANSWER: Go back to Mexico or learn English!

I Eat Dawgs writes: I love the guy who always says indeed and all the other characters you write about.

ANSWER: A great flaw of "Star Trek: Vooyager" was the horrible way the writers handled the characters. Ensign Kim never once developed from a naive young dweeb at all. Why didn't they ever give him any responsibilities or accomplishments, like have him design some weapons and technologies that end up helping the crew majorly, and have him start to command nite shifts? Would that be too hard?

And Commander Chattaway, the racist caricature of an Indian. He brought up "vision quests" and "spirits" almots once every season. Teh wrost was the episode (that I did not watch yet) where he gives out dream catchers to all the adult women on-board Voyager. UNFORGIVAABLE. He was also very bland and never once argued with or stood up to Jane Way (except in the one "Voyaer" episode I watched teh whole way through, where they argue about the Borg or something). I am trying to write him wiht a pari of balls, as someone who actually has opinions that disagrees with his captain from time to time.

Overall, ALL teh characters were complely inconsistant in how they were written. One scene, Jaenway is relaxed and happy, and then all of a sudden she's acting sad that they're not home yet. One episode, B'Lanna is totally focused on an engineering project, and in another episode, she's all about her date with Tom Paris. One minute, Chakoteh is being a first officer on the bridge, and the next minute, he's in his quarters readign books like a nerd. WELL? Who is Chaktoay, a first officer or a bookie? Who is Janeway, a happy leader or a mopey emo one? Who is B'ELona, a brainy engineer or Tom's angry girlfriend? LEARN HOW CHARACTERS WORK YOU TWITS!

SO I am glad that you see my potential for writing great, 3Dimensinoal caractrs.

Stop writes (in my "the Room" fanfic): This is horrifying

ANSWER: I'm so glad the horror elements of my drama story horrified you! I'm glad I share Mr. Wiseau's traumatic flair for the dramatic!