I pull out my iPod as I walk into the cafeteria, my shoulders hunched. I am tired, and I don't want to talk to anyone else right now or try to make friends. So I plug my earbuds in and try not to be noticed.
"She spreads her wings when she's gonna fly, the crow
If you make her sing when she's coming she will let you know…"
"Yo! Tris! Over here!" shouts Uriah.
Shit.
I slowly make my way over to the table where Uriah, Marlene, Christina, Zeke, and Tobias sit, along with a boy I don't know. I sit down in the empty chair next to Tobias without looking at him and pick at my nails. I will not talk. If I don't talk, then maybe they will stop trying to make friends.
I don't want to make friends.
"What about you, Tris?" Uriah asks, breaking my train of thought.
"What?" I say, confused.
"What kind of music do you like?"
Hell. It's too hard to ignore them, so I roll my eyes, yank my earbuds out of my ears and hand my iPod to Uriah. He turns the volume up all the way and the music blasts out of the earbuds.
"a frozen hand takes your breath away,
As she leads your soul through the dark
You know that she came to break your heart,
But oh when she moves you fall in love again ..."
Uriah jumps back, startled.
I look over at him. "What? You don't like it?" I say sarcastically.
He shakes his head. "It's just a bit... darker than I expected, coming from a girl."
"Get used to it," I say in the same deadpan voice. I zone out again as they continue to talk. They make no effort to include me in their conversation, and I don't jump in. I just sit and trace the scars on my arm with my fingers.
"Did you even bring a lunch?" asks Christina loudly. Does the girl ever shut up?
"No," I say. "Not hungry."
"You know, it isn't logical to skip meals-" the strange boy starts, reminding me of Caleb.
"Shut up, Will," Christina says. "Here, you can have my granola bar." I don't touch the brightly packaged bar that she shoves at me. instead I examine my fingernails and listen to the music.
"She spreads her wings when she's gonna fly, the crow..."
When I get home, I race to my room and flop on the bed, unwilling to do anything more. Okay, so there are nice people at school. But do they actually want me as a friend, or do they just feel sorry for me? My musings are interrupted by my brother.
"I'm home," he yells to a seemingly empty house. "So am I," I yell back. "You can shut up now."
"Damn. You beat me. Again." Caleb charges up the stairs. "Just like you always did back home."
"Yeah, well, I beat you this time because I wasn't wasting time talking to people."
He sits down next to me. "You know, it wouldn't kill you to actually make some friends."
"I don't want friends." I scowl at the floor.
"Tris, it'll make things a lot easier. " Like hell.
"I just..." I think of home, and my eyes sting, tears threatening to spill over my lashes. "I just want to be alone."
"Alright then. Have it your way." Caleb leaves the room, slamming the door behind him. As soon as he is gone, I slide a photo of Robert and Susan out from under my pillow, tracing the lines of their faces with a fingertip.
What happened to the girl with the gray shirt, the girl who biked to the park with them and grew up with them? Who first kissed Robert that night in the park, who called the ambulance when Susan broke her arm?
She's not completely gone. She's still in their somewhere, battling with the emotional yet cold-as-ice girl that I see in the mirror on my wall.
Which one is me?
The song was "The Crow" by Hurts.
