Passing through the yard, he ignored the whispers, the hateful looks. Jaime just wanted to rest. If his mind would let him, that was. Lately, sleep almost never found him. His thoughts were haunted. And the saw her again. Brienne of Tarth. Sparring with Podrick. He smiled, he was glad the lad had survived. He watched them for a while. The squire had gotten better, for sure. But he still had a lot to learn.
"If you are ever fighting someone like Lady Brienne, don't try to out power them. It would be in vain. If you want to win a fight like this, you should learn how to dodge, par, to be fast and smart."
Brienne looked at him. She was surprised to see him, he could tell. And maybe glad, or he just wanted to think so.
"Ser Jaime."
"Come on, Brienne. I told you. To you, I am and will always be just Jaime. Now, you want us to show them kids how it's done? Like the old times?"
She chuckled.
"I was better than you when you still had your two hands."
He smiled back.
"Don't forget who saved you in Harenhall, unarmed and one-handed. Come on, spar with me."
He drew his sword. He and Brienne began to circle around one another. She was the first to lunge at him, he parred her skillfully. He attacked, she dodged. And again. Their blades met with a ring that could only be made by Valyrian steel. And again. It was like a dance. One moment he had an advantage, the next it was her who had the upper hand. They could do this all day, it seemed. Jaime felt excitement, thrill. He could sense Brienne felt it too. It was familiar, yet exciting.
"Just fuck already and save us from this torture."
Bronn's remark distracted them both, but it seemed it affected Brienne more, as she forgot to pay attention. Jaime grabbed her sword with his golden arm and threw it aside. Widow's wail pointed at her chest.
"Seems this time you beat me."
He smiled. She did too. They both fastened their swords on their belts and moved closer to one another.
"You got better."
"And you got too distracted."
She looked straight at him. Sapphire eyes pierced green ones.
"What are you doing here?"
He sighed.
"I came to fight with all of you. But it's a long story. "
Brienne just nodded. And then she spoke.
"I am glad I didn't have to face you on that battlefield. I am glad I didn't have to fight you for real. For I don't know how I would've forced myself to do it."
Jaime smiled.
"I am glad too."
There was a silence – on some level awkward and on some level comforting. Then Brienne turned to leave, but he grabbed her wrist.
"Come to me tonight. I… I really need to talk to someone. To you."
She looked at him and nodded.
"I will."
And with that, she left. He looked at her till she disappeared from his sight.
"That one over there didn't like your talk."
Bronn was pointing toward a large redheaded man covered in furs. "A wildling", Jaime thought. It seems his reputation was common knowledge even with them. He sighed. He really needed that rest.
The Starks welcomed him at their table. Which was much more than he could hope for. Of course, everyone looked at him with suspicion. No one talked to him. But he could expect that much. And he couldn't blame them. When he saw both Stark sisters there, he, for the first time in ages, felt proud. That in some way, he helped and fulfilled his oath. And then Jon Snow brought his brother in his wheeled chair. Jaime's heart clenched. The guilt suffocated him. He could not move, he could not blink, he could not speak. The boy looked at him. He seemed so different. What had he done?
Jaime managed to pull himself from his chair. He went to the boy and kneeled, so he could look him in the eyes.
"Lord Stark, do you remember me?"
His stare was so empty like he was but a shell of a human being.
"I do. How could I forget the man who threw me off that tower?"
Jaime closed his eyes. Seven hells, this was harder than he thought.
"Lord Stark… Bran, I was a selfish, cruel man when I did that. And I was afraid. For me, for my sister. I know it is no excuse for what I did. I will carry the burden of what I did to you till I draw my last breath. But I want you to know I regret it every day. I am sorry. I can't make up for what I did. But once I promised your mother I will help to bring her daughters home. And indeed here they are. Now, I can promise you that no harm will come to you or your family from me or my men. I will protect you and your siblings for as long as I live. I know this might not mean anything to you, but I am giving you my word, I have changed, and…"
"I know you have. I know you helped Brienne of Tarth to save my sisters. I know you had no part in the Red Wedding. I know you opposed your sister when she refused to send the troops. And I know why you killed the Mad King."
Jaime was in shock. He looked at Jon Snow for some sort of explanation.
"Bran is a greenseer now. The most powerful one. He has visions – of the past, the present, the future."
Jaime looked back at the boy and couldn't believe his eyes and ears.
"In a way, I am grateful for what you did, Ser Jaime. I wouldn't have become the Three Eyed Raven had you not pushed me from that tower. And then we both would not be able to play our parts in the war to come. For we both have our roles in the fight with the long night. I may not really be Brandon Stark anymore, but I forgive you for what you did to him."
Jaime could only just whisper "Thank you" as Jon Snow pushed his brother's chair to the table.
He saw Brienne look at them. He met her eyes and pleaded her with his gaze. For he needed her so much. And he knew she understood and would, as always, rescue him. This time from the madness of his own thoughts.
It was around midnight when he heard the knock on the door and opened it. There she stood, fulfilling her promise, as always.
"I hope I didn't wake you. I wanted to wait till everyone was asleep so that we could talk without worrying who might hear us."
He just nodded and let her in. They both sat on his bed. He sighed. How could he start?
"That mustn't have been easy for you. To talk to Bran Stark."
He was grateful that she lifted the weight of beginning the conversation from his shoulders.
"It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But I needed to do it. Seeing him, it reminded me of the man I used to be. Of the man I am afraid I still am."
"You are a good man, Jamie."
He looked her in the eyes. He felt he needed to for what he was about to say.
"I left Cersei."
Brienne looked utterly surprised. She opened her mouth but stopped. She was obviously thinking about what to say. And then she asked the question probably everyone was asking in their mind.
"May I ask why? She is your sister, your queen, your lover. You do love her."
Jaime looked away from her. His chest, his head, his whole body were heavy.
"I… I don't know anything anymore. Ever since I came back one handed, it was never the same. She rejected me back then. And I, I was holding on to what we used to have so desperately. And then we started losing our children, one after another."
Brienne listened to him very carefully. She was patient. One of her many qualities.
"You know, I was there when each one of them was born. And, Gods, I loved them from the minute I saw them. But I was never allowed to be their father. I couldn't even be close to them as an uncle of fear someone might suspect the truth. And I longed to be close to them, to be their father in every sense of the word. But I couldn't. I could only watch them from afar. Joffrey, my eldest. He was so cruel, so arrogant. I never approved the things he was doing. But I still loved him. And when I saw him die that horrible death, I knew I had failed. As a man, as Kingsguard, as a father. Something inside me died that day. And Myrcella, my only daughter. She was so beautiful and so good. I went to Dorne to rescue her. And when we were finally going back home, she came to me. She told me she knew the truth. "I am glad you are my father" she said. And then I took her in my arms, and for the first time in my life, I felt complete. And then she died. Right there, in my arms. Poisoned by the Dornish under my watch. I just wanted to die right then and there with her. And Tommen. My baby boy, the total opposite of Joffrey – sweet, innocent. I came back to King's Landing, saw the burning Sept and rode straight for the Red Keep. And I saw them covering his body. He threw himself from a window. I ran to them and demanded them to remove the cloth they had put over him. When they refused, I did it myself. There he lied. My poor boy. Broken, his face unrecognizable. I couldn't keep my eyes off of his eyes, still open. They had to make the Mountain pull me away from him."
His voice was trembling. He could feel tears burning in his eyes but he fought them with everything he could
"I am so sorry" Brienne said softly. They stood there in silence. For how long he could only guess.
"She's pregnant."
He could hear her draw a deep breath. He knew what she was about to ask.
"Then why did you leave her?"
He looked at her again. Even in the barely lit room, her sapphire eyes were piercing.
"She blew up the Sept. To get rid of her enemies. To secure her rule. She burned them all. And now, she is ready to let the army of the dead march through Westeros if it means she still sits on the damn throne."
Jaime diverted his gaze again. He needed to let it all out, he couldn't bear this weight upon his chest any longer
"Did she change? Or have I always been blind? I knew she was selfish and power hungry and cruel at times, but this? This is madness surpassing that of Aerys Targaryen. And I… I can't stand there and watch the realm be destroyed, the people die, because of her obsession with power. I can't… I can't welcome another child and lose it because of her ruthlessness when it comes to her crown."
He was shaking, the tears were filling his eyes, despite his effort to fight them. He felt one of Brienne's hand on his left hand, the other one on the stump which usually his golden hand was covering. He looked at her. He could feel her warmth, her empathy. He could sense that her heart was bleeding for him and for his poor children.
"It is not your fault. You couldn't have saved any of them. Joffrey, Myrcella, you had no way to know they would be poisoned. You weren't there to stop Tommen."
Her voice was soft, tender. Almost loving.
"I was their father, I was supposed to protect them."
"And you did, as much as anyone could've protected them."
"But I didn't protect them from her."
He closed his eyes. He still felt Brienne's gaze on him as he spoke.
"Joffrey… Olenna Tyrell poisoned him because of who he was. Maybe that was his nature. But I've always asked myself 'Would he still have been so cruel had he been raised by two loving parents, without being heir to the Iron Throne?' I guess I could never know. Myrcella was poisoned by Ellarya Sand because of what happened to Oberyn Martell – something Cersei orchestrated. And Tommen. He was so in love with Margery Tyrell. Cersei knew. She knew he loved her and she knew he was fragile and she still killed her and a bunch of innocent people because she felt Margery was replacing her."
Jaime opened his eyes. He was almost choking now, from the pain, the anger, the tears. He felt as if he was going to explode from all of it, had it not been for Brienne's hands holding him.
"And now, she saw that monstrosity. She promised she would send help. Yet, she never planned on doing that. She wants the Walkers to destroy Daenerys and Jon Snow so that they don't threaten her rule, even if it means Westeros will be destroyed along with them. In that moment, I saw her. I really saw her for the mad monster she is. And I turned my back on her. She screamed my name, but I never looked back. I was finally free of her. I could breathe. But with that… With that came the realization of everything I have ever done. And the guilt. It haunts me, Brienne, it has its claws so deep inside me that sometimes I feel it's tearing me apart."
Brienne then kneeled in front of him and looked straight into his eyes. She drew a deep breath and spoke softly.
"You have paid a high price for your sins. And you have changed, Jaime. That guilt, it shows you changed. The way you looked at the Stark boy and the oath you swore to him, it is the way to absolution."
He shook his head.
"There will be no absolution for the Kingslayer, I will burn in the Seven Hells."
"Jaime. Your name is Jaime."
