It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's Mr. Ree with another update! Hah hah. Anyways, I got 16 reviews for this story thus far! A special thanks to Grinss, Marufu-chan, TiffanyBane, Aki, AustralianGypsy, , I'm At My All Time Low, TheSeventhLie, -pon, Yuu13, MuffinStealer (Llama llama! XD), and Saga of Eternal Rain. You guys are great! ^.^ So, let us commence forthwith with Chapter 4 of 'Drugtionary'!
Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.
~O~
4. The Dummies Guide on Dealing with Idiots
The effort it took to open his eyes was unreal. The alarm clock was beeping slower than normal, and the tune changed to that of a music box. A girlish and childish voice was singing in the background, registering on a low level. He tuned it out and didn't bother listening to whatever the she-devil was saying. Everything blurred together: The clock, the walls, the ceiling, the clutter on the floor, the floor itself… everything. It blended into a hellish mess that no adjectives could describe.
Such a scene was a perfect way to start the morning.
Shit. He blinked slowly, trying to shake off the tiredness and the hallucination. It didn't really work. Shit, am I tripping again? But I didn't even…
"Hey, Yuu!"
Kanda sat up, despite how much his tense muscles objected otherwise, and tried to find the friend who resided in his head. He couldn't see correctly, what with the walls shifting and everything. He kept looking until his eyes finally landed on him. "Al…! ma…?"
The shorthaired kid grinned widely as he sat upon a horse, or more specifically, a unicorn. It was shimmering and sparkling in the sunlight, its horn dripping with a red substance known as blood. It had wings, but they weren't feathery, they were wings that one would see on a fly. It took the Japanese man a few moments before one coherent thought managed to get through his head: What sort of Twilight-My Little Pony-Vampire-Bug-Shit is this!
"Isn't he cute? I call him 'Timcanpy'." He grinned as he patted the thing's neck. "It's a vampire-mosquito-unicorn! It only likes drinking the blood of virgins, though. Kinda picky, if you ask me." He grinned. "Are you a virgin, Yuu?"
"I have no interest in people." He averted his gaze from the unicorn-abomination. "So yes, I'm a virgin. Che."
"Maybe you should let Timcanpy suck your blood, then."
"And maybe I should push you off a cliff."
"Yuu!"
Kanda snorted. "Che. Whatever. Just snap me out of this hallucination. I've got school to attend to, and I'm running low on my stock, so I can't just skip today."
"Oh. So are you gonna tell that to Leverrier before or after he bitches you out for leaving the field-trip early?"
"Take a guess, moron."
"I'll take that as a 'never'." He gazed vacantly at something behind Kanda before grinning sheepishly. Something in the back of his head told him it rather looked like the idiot's grin, except Lavi's grin was…
"I could always kick you back to you reality," Alma commented, which snapped him out of his thoughts. "It would probably hurt a lot, though. You wouldn't mind, would you? I have no other way, or else I would have done that."
He paused before answering. "It depends on how— oof!" A swift kick to the chest by the unicorn caused him to be rudely interrupted as he realized that he was falling. "Almaaaa! I'm going to kill you!"
"Don't worry!" He could hear the bastard laughing at him. "You'll live! …Maybe!"
Kanda opened his mouth to argue when he blinked once and was back on his bed. The walls, windows, ceiling and floor had returned to normal as the alarm clock on the nightstand was beeping the way it should have beeped. He glared at the piece of technology before whacking it with his fist. He sighed heavily.
Damn, that was fucked up. I really should be more careful. He rose from his bed and shoved off the covers, yawning. Hey, idiot of a friend. Can you make Timcanpy not look like a wannabe unicorn Make it smaller and something that doesn't make me want to scream bloody murder each time I look at it. If you can't do that, then you'll have to get rid of him. Understood?
'Fine, fine.' Alma pouted. 'I like it as a unicorn, though…'
He ignored him and located a clean pair of clothes in the murkiness of the disaster that he called his closet. He grabbed a towel and took a quick shower, brushed his teeth (with mint-flavored paste, which Alma hated to no end) and got dressed. Nothing fancy, just a white, long-sleeved shirt and black jeans. He fastened the belt around his waist before staring in the mirror and frowning. The thing was broken and he needed a new one, but he had never bothered to do that. Instead, he managed to look past the cracks and brushed his hair back into a slipknot ponytail. He stared at himself in distaste for two seconds longer when the door to his apartment knocked.
Who the hell…? Kanda frowned as he walked out of the bathroom and towards the door.
'Beats me. Maybe the landlord?'
No, he's coming next week. Che.
The door continued to knock as he approached it. The frown that seemed permanent upon his face deepened as he proceeded to open the door.
Lavi was standing there, grinning like an idiot. "Heya, Yuu-chan!"
Kanda proceeded to slam the door shut.
"Hey?" The redhead became confused. "Yuu-chan, why'd you slam the door on me? I didn't even do anything wrong yet! C'mon, I only wanna ask you a question!"
"I told you not to call me that!" He locked the door and glared at it as the other tried to open it. "Quit bothering me so I can get ready for school, you dimwit! Now leave me the hell alone!"
"But you don't even like school! C'mon, Yuu-chan, lemme in!"
"No! And for the last time, stop calling me that!"
Silence ensued as Kanda detected that the idiot had finally given up. He sighed quietly to himself as he gathered his bag and some empty bottles. If he were going to make more liquid LSD, bottles were definitely in order. He found his watch and clasped it around his wrist. Using the chemistry lab was risky, but he could make enough in time. Besides, they already had the pleasure of having chemicals at his disposal. All he needed to do was make sure no one was coming. He then shoved his textbooks for school in his bag and frowned at the weight that they had. It often caused his back to grow sore, which added to his reasons of as to why he despised school.
Actually, the only reason he needed to hate the place was that it existed. Period.
"Wow, that bag looks heavy."
He dropped the bag onto the floor out of surprise (though his face didn't show it) and reeled his head to see Lavi standing there, grinning widely. It had a hint of victory, though it was partially concealed with skill. His surprise turned to hate in less than a nanosecond. "How the fuck did you get in here?"
"The hole in the wall." Lavi jabbed his thumb towards the red curtain behind him. "You know, the one Panda made the other day? This building must have some really cheap plaster for walls if the old man could break it." He was laughing internally. He could tell. "Wow, it never gets old on how this place is so dirty. You should really clean up in here, you know?"
"Why are you here?"
"To the point, eh?" He grinned sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head with one hand while the other swayed by his side. "Well, I was wondering if I could eat breakfast with you. We don't have any food yet, considering we just moved in yesterday and Panda is being lazy. He said that I can starve until dinner when he has the time to buy food."
"Good man."
Lavi rolled his eyes before picking up an old take-out box. His face scrunched up in disgust as he dropped it in the trash can. "Okay, when you get out of school and I get done visiting my college, we're gonna clean this place up. We don't want maggots to start looking at this place as the perfect breeding ground, yeah? Anyways, can I please eat breakfast with you? Just this once? Pleeease?"
Kanda's glare increased in tenfold, causing the idiotic-redhead to back down. "Jeez, you don't have to go all evil and shit on me! I can get a point without a glare, you know!" His shoulder hunched over purposely as he turned his back on the Japanese man. "I guess I'll just go ahead and starve myself to death… slowly… and no one will care…" He sniffled one of the fakest sniffles Kanda had ever heard before pouting. "…Because Yuu-chan hates me…"
He growled loudly, then threw his hands up in defeat, realizing that if he did nothing the idiot would keep persisting to annoy him. "Fine, fine! You can eat here. On one condition!" Lavi halted his jump for joy. "You do not, I repeat, do not, call me 'Yuu-chan'. Got it?"
"Okay… Yuu," he replied, which resulted in a punch to the face.
Shortly afterwards, Kanda found himself to be cooking pancakes while Lavi decided to pick up what trash he could during the waiting period. Alma was not impressed with Kanda for letting the moron eat breakfast with them, but he held his tongue and just irritably kicked the dirt in Kanda's mind. It had caught his attention, but to keep the pancakes from burning, he ignored his friend and frowned. He would talk to him later, but not now.
A few more minutes passed and Kanda placed two plates onto the table, along with forks, butter knives, and glasses filled with orange juice. He sighed. "Che. Hey, moron over there. Hurry the hell up and eat this already."
"Just a sec, Yuu." He daringly reached under the couch with his bare hand and touched something with his finger. He blinked, then pulled it out into the light. "Hey, what's this?"
Kanda glanced over while digging out the maple syrup and felt his eyes slowly grow wide and his mouth becoming dry. In his hands was a small bottle that had a miniscule amount of liquid in it. Liquid LSD. He dropped the syrup in a careless manner as he rushed over to where Lavi was and snatched the bottle out of his hands. He blinked as Kanda shoved the small bottle into his pocket. "It's nothing that concerns you. Breakfast. Eat. Now."
"Okay, okay…" He lifted his hands in surrender before walking over and sitting down at the table. Kanda released his breath for the first time in forty-five seconds.
'That was way too close, Yuu,' Alma said, having a relieved look upon his face. 'I told you this kid is bad news! We have to get away from him as soon as possible, for your safety.'
And how do you suggest we do that? All of the other apartments are out of my price range right now. He picked up the bottle of syrup, put it on the table before sitting down himself, and began eating. I can't leave, even if I wanted to. Che. We'll just have to deal with him for right now. Besides, he looks like a true idiot. He'll never find out.
Alma fell silent in disagreement as the two at the table ate breakfast slowly. The redhead was flipping through some of Kanda's books (like 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest'.) as he ate, only staring at the pages for ten seconds before moving onto the next one.
"Why do you do that?"
Lavi blinked as he turned the page. "Eh?"
"That there. Why are you turning the pages so fast?" Kanda rose from his seat and placed his dirty dishes into the sink before returning to mildly glaring at the idiot. "Che. Those things are meant to be read, not flipped through, you Baka Usagi."
"Oh." He blinked at the book before grinning. "Well, you see, I kinda have this thing called 'photographic memory'." His grin widened. "That's how I remembered you from before. Plus, you kind of stand out, what with the hair and glare and all." He put down his fork and stretched. "Aaah… Now that was a good breakfast. Thanks, Yuu."
"I told you not to call me that."
"Why do you have such a problem with me calling you by your first name?"
Because Alma is the only one I allow to call me that. "Because the sound of my name coming out of your idiotic mouth makes me sick." He fetched his bag and slipped it around his shoulders before sighing. "Che. Get out of my apartment. I'm going to school."
"Wait, you're leaving already?" Lavi got up and had a slight panicked look on his face, as if he just he remembered something. "Actually, I need to ask you for another favor."
Holy SHIT this kid is driving me insane! His upper lip twitched as the college student continued.
"You know I just moved here and everything, right? Well, a few days ago I was scouting around and trying to find where my school was located. In short…" He rubbed the back of his head with unease. It seemed to be a nervous habit. "…I couldn't find it. I kid you not, I looked everywhere, but it seemed to evade me. So, I was wondering if you could help me find it. Please?"
'Let's just go, Yuu. If he's too dumb to find his college, then he deserves to be lost.'
Che. I suppose you're right. He frowned. However, if I just ignore him, he'll keep bugging me like the annoying twat that he is. Sorry, but we're going to help him out this time around.
Alma looked exasperated as Kanda nodded. "Fine. I'll help you out. But just this once!" His glare made the hairs on the back of Lavi's neck rise in fear. "If you can't find your way after I show you, then you deserve to be lost. Got it?"
He nodded. "I only need to be shown once." He tapped the side of his head with his forefinger, grinning widely. "Photographic memory, remember?"
Kanda glared. "Show-off."
~O~
He waited for the redhead outside of his apartment door with his arms folded across his chest. He hated waiting. It was as tedious as bickering with a clock about the aerodynamics of bumblebees. His fingers began twitching as he heard two people on the other side of the door talking. One was Lavi, the other, undoubtedly, was the old man. It didn't sound pleasant, but he couldn't understand them because they were speaking in a language he didn't understand. It shifted from that language to something that sounded like French, then to Chinese, which he did know.
"…Ni shi hen chun!*" The door flung open as Lavi stepped out with an irritated look on his face. The old man was yelling at him. Lavi covered his ears.
(*You are really stupid!)
"Wo bu zai hu! Ni bu hui—*"
(*I don't care! You can't—)
"Wo hui de.*"
(*I can (so).)
Kanda frowned as the two glared at each other with intensity. The old man had nailed down his tones for the language. It must have been learned early for him to have such perfection over it.
"Qu ba," the old man said, lighting a cigar. "Ni xu yao mai shi, Shi Zi.*"
(Go. You need to buy food, lion (lit. translation of 'Lavi').)
The redhead frowned. "Ni lao xiong mao…*"
(*You old panda…)
There was a whack, then a huff. The old man slammed the door shut as the redhead scowled at the door. He turned his head after a moment and grinned at Kanda. "Sorry about that. We start bickering over stupid things, and then we start shifting into multiple languages. It gets confusing after a little while. One time, we even started speaking in Arabic, and at that time, I barely knew how to speak it. It was really confusing."
"Does it look I care?"
"Guess not…" He rubbed the back of his head as they walked down the stairs. "Hey, on the way, could you show me other things around here? Like a grocery store? That would be nice of you if you did."
"What makes you think I'm 'nice'?"
"You've helped me out this far."
To that, Kanda said nothing. He pushed the door open and stepped onto the dust-covered sidewalk. People were scattered about here and there, opening shops and sweeping out the doorway. He always wondered why people did that. It seemed so pointless. Everyone was going to die anyways, so why bother trying to keep everything organized and what not? It was a mystery that he would never solve, or so he thought.
Lavi lagged behind as Kanda pointed out every store that might become important later: The grocery store, the local café where Lenalee worked, the local clinic, quickest way to the hospital, a clothes outlet, and a variety of other things. If he thought they were worth mentioning, he said something of it. Otherwise, he didn't point it out. The redhead was making mental notes in his head for the directions as they continued onwards.
"This town's pretty small," Lavi commented. "I'm surprised they even have a college here."
"Che. Rumor has it that the college has been there for a long time now. It's of historical significance, so no one will tear it down. People say it used to be a castle." He took another step and frowned. "The only downside is that from the apartment building, you have to take the same route as me…" He groaned inside his head. "…and two blocks after the high school is the college. It's slightly obscure because it's surrounded by trees, but if you look hard enough, there's a sign."
"Cool!"
Six or so minutes later, Kanda stepped in front of the high school. Teenagers scattered across the yard, their inconsistent chattering giving him a headache. The building behind them was old, too, though not as old as the college. It was of decent size for a small city, which was good, because he could just blend in with the crowd. He didn't take pleasure in the entire 'standing-out' thing. Solitude was the closest thing to happiness.
"So this is the high school?" Lavi peered over his shoulder and blinked. "Wow, there seems to be a lot of high school kids here. Color me impressed."
"Yeah…" Kanda huffed in annoyance. "Alright, from here, you keep going straight for two blocks. Nothing more, nothing less. The road there is actually a path in the woods, so it's hard to spot. And look for the sign, above all else."
"Right."
Just as he was about to finally get rid of the annoying tag-a-long, Allen decided to come on over and converse with Kanda for the first time ever. The moment he spotted the British teen, he groaned loudly. Lavi blinked and glanced to where Allen was, who was still chewing on a bagel. "Mornin', Ba-Kanda. Who's this?" He raised an eyebrow at the sight of the redhead. "Is this your only friend? Wow, I'm shocked anyone is able to put up with you, given how you're an ass and everything."
"Are you speaking from personal experience, Moyashi?"
"Oh, good one! That's the only good one you're going to ever get within the next millennium."
The two had a glaring contest as Lavi found himself caught in the middle. "Uh, guys?"
"Oh, right!" Allen pushed Kanda out of the way and observed the redhead for what he was worth. "Well, there doesn't seem to be any injuries on him, and he's been following you around." He munched up another piece of his bagel before snapping his fingers. "Ah! I get it now! You must be Ba-Kanda's boyfriend, right? Otherwise, you should be dead by now. It all makes since to me now!"
"What the fuck are you on, Moyashi?" The Japanese man snarled as he grabbed the smaller teen by the collar. "Boyfriend? This stupid idiot? Hell no! I hate people, period, so what makes you think I have the slightest infatuation for him?"
"He's not dead."
"Neither are you. Yet."
"And he's not hurt, either," he pointed out, finishing his bagel. "Generally, you commit random acts of violence onto me and anyone who pisses you off. Going by the consensus, I have in front of me— he's not dead and not hurt —you must care about him. Therefore—"
Unsurprisingly, Kanda decked Lavi in the mouth. "Therefore what, Moyashi? What?"
"Ow! Yuu, that hurt…" The redhead staggered back up onto his feet before frowning. "I should probably start going to my college if I want to make it for my meeting. Thanks for showing me around, Yuu."
No! Don't say that! Don't—
"'Yuu'?" Allen repeated, a devil's smirk playing on his lips. "Did he just call you 'Yuu'? As in your first name? As in the name that will get you pain in more than nine thousand ways if you say it to your face? And he said it twice!" He held up two fingers and grinned. "Are you sure he's not your boyfriend? Because it seems pretty obvious to me."
"Go to fucking hell!"
"Oh, you wish, Ba-Kanda."
Lavi felt a bead of sweat roll down the side of his face as the Japanese man glared at him with a look that read, 'this-is-all-your-fault'. He grinned sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his head. "Erm, whoever you are… Bean sprout."
"It's actually Allen."
"Yeah. Yuu and I are actually not like that. I just moved in next door to him and he just showed me around, that's all. It's more of a friend thing. Only for him, not so much the friend and more of the pain in the ass. You know?"
"Yeah, yeah." Allen waved a dismissive hand. "Keep telling yourselves that. Ba-Kanda doesn't put up with anyone, no matter what. Mutual hatred all around, even if you just met him."
"I think it's time for you to leave, Baka Usagi. Now."
Chills rushed up his back from the glare coming in his direction. "Y-Yeah, that idea suddenly sounds appealing. I'll see you after school, okay, Yuu?"
Son of a bitch! Kanda groaned as the redhead left, leaving him with the devil's child that was named Allen Walker. You just had to fucking say that, didn't you, Baka? Just fucking had to. Che. He glanced over to the white-haired teen and glared dangerously. "Whatever idea you are getting in your head, get rid of it. There is nothing between us, you dumb ass. And so help me God, if you start spreading around the idea to all of your idiot friends, I will fucking kill you all."
"Ooh, scary." He started to run as he yelled, "Hey, everyone, guess what? Kanda Yuu is gay!"
'I told you we should have moved,' Alma commented as the Japanese man felt his reputation crushed in matter of seconds.
~O~
Woo-hoo, Chapter 4, done! So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! You guys have been really good to me with the reviewing and all! I'm sorry that these days I can't reply to all of you. One of these days I will! Someday! Somehow! Well, see you later in Chapter 5! —Mr. Ree
