Chapter 4: After the storm

She had never particularly enjoyed waiting. Commander Shepard was a woman of action. She was at her best when she was actually doing something, whether that was fighting or convincing someone it was futile to fight. Whatever was best for the Alliance or her overall mission at the circumstances.

However, she normally knew how to wait. She had spent all her life in ships and stations, and she knew she'd have idle time between destinations sometimes. She'd usually use that time to focus on her mission, or to relax with some of the amenities on board. Those 'amenities' lately included a certain turian with affinity for destruction, just like she had. The Alliance didn't have regs against fraternization with aliens, probably because they never thought they'd need them. Of course, she never calculated she would eventually fall in love with said alien during those idle times she had to really get to know him.

No, normally she didn't particularly enjoy waiting, but she didn't complain about it. Normally she didn't feel on edge about having to wait, like she was feeling that very moment. She knew Admiral Hackett would contact her any moment with orders, but she didn't know what those orders could be. The situation was delicate enough.

Shepard sat on her bed, thinking. As a measure to calm herself, she tried to remember everything she had done the day before.

It had started with a message from Hackett requesting her presence, and a call from Primarch Victus to Garrus. They had gone separate ways, but not before Garrus told her that Victus wanted him to be his official advisor. Vakarian had also mentioned that one of the main reasons he would never accept to be Primarch if offered, was that he would have to reside in Palaven. The radiation of the turian homeworld was just too toxic for humans, and he didn't want to live far away from her. She realized that she didn't want that either. She wanted to be selfish just this once, to keep him at her side, but of course she didn't let him know that she was thinking that.

Shepard had met with the Admiral, who explained to her that the Alliance had found a Cerberus spy among one of the several human employees in the turian embassy on Earth. She convinced Hackett that it was time to involve the turians in their fight, and she offered to speak personally with the Primarch. The Admiral also told her that a whole fleet of frigates was almost fully repaired, and that he needed the Commander to lead that fleet. Since the mass relays were broken, they would scan nearby systems for resources to help in the rebuilding efforts. That was an idea she had given the Admiral herself, but she didn't want to lead that fleet. She had turned down her promotion for a reason. However, she felt she had no choice. Hackett had made her a direct request, and she couldn't just say no to the only high officer alive who always had her back.

Aboard the legendary Indomitable dreadnought, she spoke with Primarch Victus about the situation with Cerberus, but also about galactic politics. She couldn't help herself, and she didn't even have time to realize that she had become a major player in the galactic scenario. Somewhere along the way of uniting all species to fight the Reapers, she had evolved from one hell of a soldier to a galactic peacemaker. Her mind however didn't have time to adjust to the idea that she was doing a lot more than 'her job'.

Afterward she returned to the Alliance's base with Garrus, who informed her that he had accepted the position of advisor. The once young, frustrated C-sec agent without a lot of experience, was now officially part of the turian hierarchy. He had become the closest man to the highest authority of an entire species. And she loved that man with an intensity she couldn't fully understand, or even handle.

In the base, they met with Major Ian McAllister, the N7 operative in charge of the elite group handling Cerberus' threat. The Major informed them what they learned from interrogating the spy: Cerberus had developed a neurotoxin that in small doses could interfere with high level mental functions. It could be used to effectively indoctrinate people of almost any species.

That very same day, the squad departed to the Venezuelan jungle to destroy the factory producing the neurotoxin, and the lab researching it. However, inside that lab there was a QEC that the Illusive Man employed to talk with Shepard, before she blew the place up.

What the Illusive Man had told her was probably what kept her on edge, unable to calm down. It didn't help, of course, what EDI and Traynor could analyze from the encrypted intel they gathered. They found evidence that Cerberus was being funded not only by wealthy individuals and private organizations. They were receiving money directly from some countries on Earth. Somehow they corrupted entire governments, or just found corrupted governments willing to work with them.

She didn't know what time it was when she heard that. It was probably very late at night, not that time of the day meant much for a spacer like her. Amazingly, at some point during the very same day she had found time to move all her belongings to the Normandy. She and Garrus officially lived in her repaired ship now. She had managed to sleep a few hours in her bed, the same she was sitting on. She was in her cabin, now turned their cabin, waiting for Traynor and Garrus to install the QEC he would need to communicate with the Primarch. Waiting for Hackett to tell her what he wanted her to do about the Cerberus situation.

Commander Shepard realized she desperately needed a drink. Or two. Or ten. And she didn't want to drink alone.

She jumped on her feet, and walked all the way from the Captain's Cabin to the Communications room. She found Liara and EDI still working in the War Room with the intel. She greeted them but she didn't ask them if they had any news. She didn't want to know just yet, and none of them stopped her in her way to meet 'her' turian.

When Shepard entered the Comm room, she found Samantha Traynor and Garrus Vakarian both busy with boards and wires.

"Now we need to adjust the main..." was saying the young specialist, but she interrupted herself when she noticed the CO enter the room. She saluted. "Oh, Commander! We were just installing a QEC between this ship and the Indomitable, and a secondary experimental QEC with four sources, cutting edge technology... oh, but I don't want to bore you with the details..."

"Your research, Traynor?" asked the Commander, looking at all the wires and devices. She stood next to Garrus, and she noticed the turian staring at her, as if he was trying to read something about her with his icy blue eyes.

"Yes!" replied Samantha, excited. A second later she lowered her eyes however. She seemed ashamed or self-conscious. "Well, not only mine, of course, it was an team effort from all Alliance R&D... Commander."

"Need something, Shepard?" the turian asked with his dual-toned voice. His expression showed concern for her.

"Nothing important," replied Melody, adopting her professional, unshakable mask. "If you're busy I can come back later." It was a lie, and she knew quite well that her mental state couldn't wait. However, she didn't want to stop Garrus from doing something important for their mission, just because she had time to go over everything she had done the day before and she was practically a mental wreck as a result.

"Oh, I can finish this alone!" informed Traynor, and immediately she resumed her work.

Garrus took Melody's arm, and lead her out of the War Room. He halted after the closed door behind them, still trying to read her soul with his blue eyes.

"What is it?" he asked in a tone that didn't admit refusal.

Shepard led him to the conference room. She leaned both forearms on the table, her head tilted down, looking at her hands. Garrus stood next to her. He placed a hand supportively on her back.

"I never told this to anyone," she started, shaking her head softly. She still didn't look at him, she seemed to be concentrated on her hands. "When I woke up in that Cerberus lab, I was... upset."

"I can hardly blame you for that," the turian commented, caressing her back lightly.

"Garrus?" she asked adopting a straight position. Her eyes gazed directly into his. "Remember when you were obsessed about killing Sidonis, and I told you you weren't being yourself?"

"How could I forget?" he replied, lowering his head in turn. He took a step away from her and started gesturing with his hands. "You forced me to let him live, and I couldn't understand why you did that at the time."

"I knew what was it like not being quite yourself, Garrus," she replied in a soft voice. He looked at her deeply, frozen in his spot not far away from her. "I wasn't myself, I wasn't in control anymore. I just pretended I was," she paused and looked away. After a few seconds she continued, "That's why I killed that Eclipse mercenary, Elnora... remember her?"

"The one that had killed the volus, when we were searching for Samara's track?"

"But we didn't know she was guilty when I killed her," replied Shepard shaking her head. "I don't regret it, but in other circumstances I might have acted differently. If I had been myself. I just... lost my patience because I was upset. It was really hard, and I think I fully understood what was happening to me when I saw what happened to you..."

He closed the distance between them and grabbed the sides of her face with his three fingered hands. He held her head facing up, so she could look at him in the eyes as he was looking at her.

"Is that why you..." he started, in a hesitant tone, "suggested we skipped to the tiebreaker, when I told that story about me and a recon scout?"

She chuckled lightly. "Garrus, after all the things we did together, and you still can't say that I offered you to have sex?"

"Well, I suppose I could..." he replied, chuckling himself, but still not letting go the sides of her face.

"No," she stated, bluntly, her ocean blue eyes glaring with honesty. "It isn't why I said that thing about the tiebreaker. I think I was... joking is not exactly the word, though at the moment I thought I was. Thinking back, I wanted to corner you, because you kept talking of how successful you were with the ladies. Turned out you were right about that all along. You said the magic words: 'why the hell not?'. I was feeling lonely and on edge. Something about that incident with Sidonis told me you felt the same, even if we couldn't speak about it at the time." Shepard took Garrus' hands into hers. She shook her head, frustrated. "Damn, I never talk this much. All I wanted to say is that I'm on edge again, and I don't feel quite myself. I don't want to talk about it, I just need a drink. Perhaps even to dance a little, and I don't care how bad a dancer I am."

"I know the right place," said Garrus smiling. "They serve a fine turian brandy, or so a friend of mine told me. I just didn't find the time to go yet."

They walked in silence, towards the elevator that would take them to the cargo bay, and from there to the hangar where the Normandy was stationed. "Oh, and Melody?" he asked after a few steps, "about you being a bad dancer? I wouldn't have it any other way."

After a short trip in a cab, they reached their destination. The sun was setting, but when they entered the bar they could hear loud music and a lot of people talking to each other. The lights were dim, and shattered in many colors on the dance floor. It was a big place, probably as much as Purgatory in the Citadel, but it wasn't built in several levels.

As they walked to the main bar, they could see not only a lot of humans, but also many salarian, asari, turians and quarians. Shepard even spotted a batarian playing cards with two humans on a distant table. She sat on a stool and ordered the strongest drink they had. Garrus requested a turian brandy, and slowly sipped it as she swallowed her drink in one gulp.

"Hit me again," she requested the human bartender.

"Fine, Commander Shepard," replied the man, "but let me warn you that I'll tell you when you had enough."

"You know who I am?" she asked over the volume of the music.

"A face so beautiful for the savior of the galaxy?" said the bartender in turn. "How could I not know?" The man addressed Garrus, "You better take care of this woman."

"That's the plan," replied the turian.

The bartender poured her drink and walked away to serve other clients.

"I'm telling you, Garrus," said Melody, "that man better let me get drunk." She swallowed her second drink and placed the empty glass on the counter.

"I think you told me you wanted to dance?" the turian asked.

"Yeah, that too," she said nodding. She got up and walked a step towards the dance floor. "Coming?"

"Not this time," he said and took a small sip from his glass. "I'd rather watch the show."

"Sure, Vakarian, keep making your guns dance," she said chuckling, "because you obviously don't know how to do that with your feet."

She stepped away from him before he could reply. She walked straight to the dance floor, loving the sensation of a little – for her, anyway – booze in her blood, the bright lights, the loud music urging her to move among those strangers.

A very good looking asari started dancing next to her. For a moment she didn't say anything, but after a while, the alien approached her.

"Honey," the asari said in her ear, "the problem is that you don't let go. Feel the music, let it guide you."

The asari grabbed both her hands, and encouraged Shepard to make wider movements. At first she was reluctant, but slowly she relaxed and let the unknown alien guide her. She realized she was having fun! That was a lot to say, after all that had happened, after all she had to live through. She allowed herself to get lost in the music, in her movements, in the joy of being alive around her. For a moment, she wasn't Commander Shepard, a galactic savior. She wasn't a N7 operative and part of a team responsible from stopping Cerberus' threat. She wasn't a soldier with a dark, unspeakable secret about a vision she had during the last battle against giant machines. She was just a woman on a night out, having fun to the music in a crowded bar.

She didn't know how long the spell lasted. All she knew was that, at some point, she wanted to be near Garrus. Shepard thanked the asari and walked back to the spot where she had left him.

She found the turian sitting on the same stool, still nursing his drink. He was staring at a female turian across the bar, and didn't notice the Commander approaching.

"Want me to hold you mandible for you?" she asked him, smiling and sitting next to him again.

"Melody!" he said, startled. "I... I'm sorry..."

"She's gorgeous, I get that," Shepard replied. "I can tell from the way all the other turians are looking at her. I'd never ask you to go blind..."

"I'd never cheat on you," Garrus said in a firm tone, looking at her. "She might be gorgeous, but I'm with the best woman in the entire galaxy."

She approached him and said to his ear, "Garrus, I know you wouldn't cheat on me, I was just teasing you. As for me, I already told you I was ready to be a one turian kind of woman."

He grabbed her in his arms and kissed her, obviously not really caring that they were in a crowded bar and many people could see them. She didn't care either. Normally she wasn't into public displays of affection, but she had reached a point in which she didn't give a damn.

She didn't have problems convincing the bartender to serve her as many drinks as she wanted. After a while, and as the place was getting even more crowded, she decided that she had enough and was ready to go home. Vaguely she remembered that home now meant her ship, her Normandy, and she smiled. She felt dizzy, but fully trusted Garrus to take her back safely.

Shepard couldn't remember how she got to her cabin. She found herself on her bed, undressed, with her turian slowly taking his clothes next to her.

"Garrus?" she asked, her voice unsteady from the alcohol intake she indulged into that night.

"Yes, I'm right here," he replied looking at her.

"I love you," she said dragging the words. She tried to sit on the bed, and failed.

"I know, but you're drunk..." he started, and attempted to accommodate her on the bed.

"No, listen to me, Vakarian," she insisted. "Listen to me, because I love you, and you don't even know what it means."

"Huh?" he asked, confused. He had finished undressing and sat next to her on the bed they shared.

"I never loved... someone like this before," she said, struggling with each word, fighting the dragging in her voice and failing miserably. "I don't even know what to do with it. It scares me to death."

"You don't have to be scared, Melody," he said in a reassuring tone, leaning towards her. "I wouldn't leave you. I'll stay for as long as you want me to be with you."

"You don't understand, Vakarian!" she yelled, her drunken state being even more apparent. "I fear the way I feel. I don't know what to do with feelings so big! I'm a soldier!"

The next thing she could remember, she was waking up with one hell of a hangover. She sat on the bed and grabbed her head with both hands, but it did little to stop the pain she was feeling.

She noticed Garrus getting up, and moments later he put a glass of water in her hand. She drank it like there was no tomorrow.

A moment later she could open her eyes. She felt bad, but she was used to it. She noticed Garrus staring at her.

"Something wrong?" she asked, holding her head with one hand.

"I wonder how much you remember," he said, honestly.

"Oh, yes..." she said nodding slightly, "sorry about that."

"Is it true?" he insisted. "Are you scared of what you feel for me?"

"A little..." she admitted.

"Well, I'll tell you how to deal with that." He approached until his face was right in front of hers. "You accept it, and remember that I feel the same way about you. I don't care that we are of different species, or that we could die any minute because we're both soldiers. All I care about, is you."

"And you said you had no romantic skills to speak of?" she said chuckling. "Garrus, you really need to start knowing yourself."

She leaned her head on one of the plates of his chest, just content to hear him breathe.