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Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns these characters, and all credit goes to her amazing brain!
Chapter Four
Swimmers
I
was…waiting for you If you always get up late Oh the day never comes I
saw you down there You look good If you always get up late
I was…standing around
I was…getting
older
I was…going down
You'll
never be on time
If you always make it after work
ba ba
dada
and I stand up
Waiting on
I know you were tired
I saw you
You
looked like a Swimmer
I wanna be with you
All of the time
Why
can't you satisfy
but you sound better
you
were the best I had
You'll never
be on time
If you always get up late
You're never gonna be on
time
And that's a shame
Cause
I like you
I never see you.
It's been six weeks since I started group therapy. I have to say, it's not nearly as bad as I expected it to be.
And Emmett's not nearly as scary as I originally thought.
But don't tell him that, because he was overjoyed when I told him how intimidated I was when I first saw him. He thinks he's so macho, but he's really a big teddy bear.
Considering he's in therapy for his anger issues.
Without Emmett's constant immature jokes, therapy would be beyond boring. He's truly like the big brother I never had, and he's always in a good mood. I feel immediately comfortable with him now.
Alice is still crazy and ADHD, but it's more endearing now than it was at first. She's actually really sweet, when she's not shopping.
I made the mistake of letting her drag me shopping with her, and let me tell you, it was nightmarish. She just can't stop.
She's off the uppers now, and she still can't stop.
It's quite scary to watch, but I can't look away. She's taken the liberty of buying me a whole new wardrobe --against my will, might I add.
Whenever I complain about her spending so much money on me, she always looks up at me with those big blue eyes and whines,
"But Bellaaaa! This isn't just for my own amusement you know. Well, it partially is. But you really do need new clothes. Why do you insist on hiding your hot bod under these….baggy old things? You just need a few important items to spruce up your wardrobe. I swear I won't go overboard, Scout's honor."
Word of advice: Never listen to Alice when she promises on her Scout's honor. It is a boldfaced lie.
After watching her waste hundreds of dollars on all her "fashionable" clothes, it's difficult to understand why in the world Alice would need to shoplift. The girl is filthy rich. I guess those pills must be really expensive.
But Alice isn't spoiled like Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory; she's actually one of the most generous people I know. She's constantly helping everyone in the group, giving advice and hugs (which I try to avoid at all costs—pixie's got a death grip).
The funniest aspect of Alice is how blunt she is. It's like she knows exactly what to say and how everyone will react, so she doesn't need to sugarcoat anything. She doesn't beat around the bush, and she's always honest.
For example, she's had a huge thing for Jasper since the beginning of therapy. So the fourth week, she just marched right up to him and told him so.
He didn't say a word. He just nodded in his calm, tranquil manner, and they've been together ever since. Simple as that. I envy their happiness.
Even this early in their relationship, Jasper is so careful with Alice, and he watches her with love and gentle concern whenever she's not looking. They're perfectly balanced because he's so peaceful and boring (in a good way) and she's so hyperactive and excitable.
He is also unfailingly polite in that respectful, southern gentleman kind of way. I can't imagine someone as sweet as him trying to commit suicide. I guess you never really know about a person, especially one as quiet as Jasper.
Rosalie is still a little…standoffish. We're not as close as Alice and I, but we definitely get along well. I have a feeling that Rosalie is going to keep people at a distance for a long time, because of the bad experiences she's had with the people in her life so far.
I can't say I blame her.
However, lately we've bonded over our abusive experiences. That sounds really depressing, but it's actually kind of wonderful.
I mean, nobody but us understands why Rose still lives with her dad, or why I'm still dating Jacob. But we get each other. We talked about it and decided that it's not our faults they hit us, but it's not their faults either.
As she put it, "They have problems, and that's not their faults."
I agreed and added, "And we just have to try to not make them angry."
That philosophy has worked rather well for me. Jacob still hits me sometimes, but not quite as often. He thinks it's funny that I have to go talk to a 'bunch of crazies' about my life once a week.
He'll say something along the lines of, "Bella, that's so stupid! So, wait…. you just have to sit there and listen to some chick talk about these other kids' problems? What a waste of time! You could be spending all that time with me instead!"
Then his voice lowers and he gets a warning glare in his dark brown eyes.
"So….what have you told them about you?"
I always hurry to reassure him, "Nothing really. The first time I went, I had to tell them about how Charlie sent me in for not eating. Besides that, I don't tell them anything important."
He's not worried that I've told anyone about the abuse, because I only told him Charlie sent me for anorexia. Jacob once said it wasn't anyone's business but his and mine if I was anorexic.
That struck me as a tad possessive, how about you?
He's so confident that I would never betray him, and it makes me feel guilty knowing that I have. Charlie has tried to ban me from seeing Jacob a few times, but he can't really do anything about it when he's always at work or fishing with Billy (Jake's dad).
There's no one there to protect me, so I protect myself by not breaking up with Jacob. I don't know what he would do to me if I tried. Plus, Jake needs me. He tells me so all the time, and I can't just leave him.
But don't tell Emmett or Jasper that, because they freaked when they found out Rose still lives with her dad and I'm still with Jake.
Emmett bellowed, "WHAT?! Isabella Swan, Rosalie Hale, what are you thinking?! These guys hurt you! Rosalie, you're eighteen. You could easily move out!"
Jasper nodded, more calm than Emmett (but still furious by Jasper standards) and said, "Bella, you have no excuse. You need to break up with that…that…scum. No respectable guy treats a lady that way."
Alice added, "Yeah, you both deserve better than that."
Rose and I just told them our philosophy, and told them it was none of their business what we do. They don't know Jake or Rose's dad.
Literally, I thought Emmett's neck vein was gonna bust through his skin when we told him that. Jasper actually showed an emotion other than apathy, and Alice pouted that we weren't listening to them.
It was disturbing and yet cute how protective the guys are of us. Well, except for Edward. He ignored the entire conversation.
I think the reason Emmett got so worked up is that he is nuts about Rosalie, and he can't stand to see her get hurt even more than she already is. I think she really likes him too, but she's nervous to get close to anyone.
Especially someone as big and tough as Emmett.
But I know he would never hurt her. I told her that, and she said she knew, but was still afraid. I can't really relate. But then again I wasn't raped, so I can't know exactly what she's going through.
I've never been afraid that Jacob would hurt me in that way. I don't know why, but he's never pressured me about sleeping with him.
It really makes no sense, especially when you think about how territorial he is, and how jealous he gets.
Maybe he's cheating on me.
I bet it's with Leah Clearwater. She's always had a crush on Jacob, and would glare at me whenever I was with him.
I'm surprised that thought doesn't hurt—the fact that he's probably cheating I mean. I realize that I don't really care if he is. I'm used to not caring about anything anymore.
That's the upside to being clinically depressed, apparently.
I'm still refusing to acknowledge that group has helped me in any way. I'm the only one, besides Edward, who still denies that I need help.
As I mentioned, Alice is off the uppers, though she told us she misses it sometimes. She had a relapse a few weeks ago, but I think she's doing okay now.
Jasper says he doesn't need sleeping pills anymore because, and I quote, "dealing with Alice tires him out enough". The alcohol is still a problem, but I think having Alice in his life is helping him deal with the depression.
Emmett is off steroids for now, but he says that he keeps having to talk himself out of buying more every time he goes to the gym.
He also says mine and Rosalie's stories helped him realize that he doesn't want to ever be that mad and out of control again. He actually told me,
"I-I'm scared I could get angry and hurt somebody I love. Like Jacob does to you, and Rose's dad does to her. I couldn't take it if I turned into Jacob, Bells."
I comforted him as best I could, telling him, "Em, I know you wouldn't hurt a fly. Even when you were on steroids and got out of control, did you hurt anyone? No. You broke some furniture, big deal. You're too good to truly hurt someone like that. We all know it."
He smiled gratefully, his dimples showing, and dragged me into a huge bear hug. He ignores my personal space more than anyone I've ever met.
Rosalie is the toughest case. She is going to be in therapy for a very long time, because she's had the worst experience out of all of us. She's bitter and angry at the world right now.
And you know what? So am I, for letting someone as sweet as Rose go through so much. It's really not fair.
One day, we all went out to dinner after therapy (except Edward and Miranda of course), and Rose told Alice and I that she still has nightmares about that night. She didn't go into detail, but I could see the haunted look in her eyes.
But I don't see why I need help from anyone. Compared to Rosalie, my story isn't bad at all. Jacob doesn't mean it when he hurts me. He's had a hard time since his mom died and his dad was confined to a wheelchair.
He always feels really bad and apologizes afterwards. Sometimes he even cries and begs me not to leave him.
And the whole not eating thing is stupid. It's not like I intentionally starve myself. I'm either not hungry, or I genuinely forget to eat. I weigh exactly 95 lbs, which isn't that bad. I'm short with delicate bones, it's not like I can help that I'm naturally thin.
Charlie says I started losing weight about a year ago (he also points out that my weight loss coincided with the first time Jacob hit me) and that it was gradual so I didn't notice. He estimates that a year ago, I weighed around 125 lbs.
That's just ridiculous. There's no way I could lose 30 lbs without noticing.
Again, we're back to him needing to mind his own damn business.
So I've stopped giving out new information to the group. Like I told Jake, I stick with what I said in the first session but don't say any more.
I kind of shut down when it's my turn to talk, and I just tell them good things about Jake and pretend that I've started eating more.
It's pretty funny when Miranda is lecturing about denial and facing your problems (giving Edward and I pointed looks), and Edward rolls his eyes and I make faces.
I just sit there and watch her mouth move, studying her youngish face and old lady shoes. I get the feeling Edward is doing the same.
I wouldn't know for sure though, because he still doesn't talk to any of us. He comes, he looks pretty, he makes sarcastic comments, and then he leaves.
One time, when Miranda tried to get him to 'open up', he called her a fat cow and stormed out. The look on Miranda's face when he called her fat really made me want to cry. I may dislike her but that was still cruel of him to say. She's not even fat; he was just being a prick, as usual.
Have you ever seen someone just completely undermine an authority figure, right in front of you? It was like that scene in The Breakfast Club where that jerky guy totally gets in the principal's face and the principal knows he's losing control of the situation.
Except this was way worse because Miranda's pretty bothersome, but she was just trying to help him. Now that I think about it, Edward is a lot like that jerky guy, except with more money. I wonder if that makes me Molly Ringwald….
God I hope not.
Whenever Miranda asks Edward a question (more warily now) he says, "I don't need group therapy. If I wanted to stop doing coke I could, no problem. And stealing that car was a one-time thing."
That's all he will ever say on the matter; he won't go into depth about his family or friends. He dances around Miranda's questions easily, confusing her with answers that only rephrase the question.
"So Edward, what was your childhood like? Do you have any siblings?"
"I don't know Miranda, do I? Aren't you supposed to have read my file and know these things? Don't you do your job?"
It's quite entertaining to watch her get all flustered.
I'm not sure what Edward does during our fifteen minute breaks, except go to his Volvo. I usually talk to everyone else while avoiding the nasty coffee, but I can't help wondering what he's doing out there for that fifteen minutes.
Once, I saw him sitting in his car with a guitar. I was pretty surprised at that, and wanted so badly to hear what he was playing.
But I would never go up to him.
Partly because I'm scared of what Jacob would do if he somehow found out (hey, this is Forks. I'm fairly positive he would find out) and partly because Edward is intimidating.
His god-like looks, combined with his smartass mouth and abrasive personality make him a wee bit hard to approach, let alone talk to. I know he would just assume I was hitting on him.
When in reality, I would never bother to hit on him because I know he's waaayyyy out of my league, and I know what his answer would be.
I honestly only want to talk to him, because…well, I don't really know why I want to speak to him so badly.
Maybe I want to tell him that I know how he feels.
Maybe I want to let him know that he can talk to the rest of us and there's no need to be so defensive.
Maybe I just want to hear his velvety voice…
Yeah, it's probably the latter.
Playlist: Broken Social Scene- Swimmers, and Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl, Bloc Party- Kreuzberg, Boys Like Girls- Hero/Heroine (Acoustic)-- Hate the band, love the song. Brand New- Fork and Knife
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