Both Lily and James had followed their classmates up to the Gryffindor common room after the feast, not realizing that they were no longer housed with the rest of their year. When the rest of the younger years had cleared out there was an awkward moment of silence, where everyone seemed to realize the sudden shift that had taken place. Both stood in their small circle away from the other, catching up with their friends, and half-wishing they didn't have to leave.
They promised that things wouldn't change, but everyone knew that it would. They wouldn't be around for midnight secret confessions or amusing wake-up calls, for common room study sessions or spontaneous adventures, for remembering past and making future memories. They were moving away, and they were doing it together.
Lily eyed James, and he looked at her, an unspoken agreement coming between them. They said goodbye to their respective groups and watched as they all went up the stairs to the rooms that no longer held a place for them. Lily was suddenly overwhelmingly glad that it was James that had been picked as Head Boy, and not someone from another house. For as much as she was upset it was him, she was equally glad it was someone steady and familiar to her. It would be an adjustment, but he would be just as alone, and though it was selfish, she was glad that at the very least she wasn't the only one who would be left out.
He looked at the fire, at the carpet, at his hands, at anything but her.
"I don't know where the Head Room is," she realized suddenly.
"I do," he said. She frowned, knowing that Dumbledore had not mentioned it, and thus he must know from his late night wanderings. She bit her tongue. She was too tired to start an argument. He led the way out of the portrait hole. The silence between them was painful. Lily couldn't think of an appropriate thing to say.
"How was your summer?" he asked to break the awkwardness, but it didn't really help.
"All right. Yours?" She didn't really feel comfortable elaborating on the fact that her sister had gotten engaged to her school sweetheart, making her life pure torture as she had to be a human pincushion for ugly pink taffeta gowns that her sister had chosen as bridesmaid dresses and her mother had sewn.
"Not bad," he said, and, struggling to lighten the mood, added, "Sirius accidentally crashed his motorcycle into my bedroom, I was on probation for the last month with the ministry, and a beautiful girl fell out of the sky into my arms, so it was generally pretty normal."
She glanced at him, clearly unimpressed. "Probation?" she said. He seemed to grimace slightly.
"Yeah, I was bored and was stupid enough to get caught. I didn't really do anything illegal. Technically," he said, wishing she had focused on the part where he had called her beautiful, or even the part with Sirius, and not this, not about how he was such a screw up.
"Yet you're still Head Boy," she said tightly, and he winced. She probably thought he was bragging about it. He honestly hadn't meant for it to come across that way.
"Yeah," he said softly. "My parents brushed it under the rug, generally speaking."
"And what did your parents do when they found out?" she asked, thinking about her own parents and what they would have done.
He shrugged and said bitterly, "My parents don't really care what I do. They think it's just a phase."
"Is it?" she asked. He looked at her. "A phase?" she clarified.
He stopped walking and looked away from her. "It is my honest belief that boredom is a fate worse than death. When I'm bored, I feel like I have two weeks left to live as a human vegetable and I'm going to spend it begging the medi-witch for a mercy killing. I like things that are hard to do. I like challenges. If it's clear to anyone I would think that it would be clear to you that I only like things that are worth the struggle you have to go through to get them. It isn't a phase. I don't just play around, and I'm not just going to grow out of who I am and what I believe. Even if I am a constant disappointment."
"James?" He turned to her, and the angry look left his face. It appeared he liked the fact she was calling him by his first name.
"Yes Lily?" The way he said her name was somehow different than anything else she had ever heard him say, like it was both delicate and strong, and needed to be caressed in just a way so that it sounded like a prayer.
She sighed and looked away. "Congratulations on making Head Boy," she said. She looked up at the sound of his ironic laugh.
"You know, you're the first person to say that to me," he said.
"What?" she said surprised. "Your parents—"
"Expected it. After disappointing them when I wasn't chosen as a prefect, it was only appropriate that I make it up to them."
"Surely your friends—"
"Are thoroughly brassed off at my dedication to conflicting beliefs of upholding the honor-bound traditions of being Head Boy and upholding the honor-bound traditions of being a Marauder."
"Dumbledore?" she asked as a last resort. He grinned sarcastically.
"The funny thing about Dumbledore is he's the only Headmaster who could hear about my probation and announce my tentative appointment as Head Boy in the same conversation. I'm rather sure he thought it wasn't the time for warm sentiments."
"What did you do anyway?" she asked. He turned away from her.
"You know Diagon Alley?" he asked. She nodded. "I sort of…changed some signs around."
"Changed some signs around?"
"Yeah. Some posters…" he said trailing off. She thought that couldn't be anything to incur a month of probation.
"That doesn't sound so horrible," she said.
"And some street signs…" he continued. "…shop signs…warning signs…"
"Potter!" She realized she was suppose to be calling him James now, like they had decided, because they were going to have to work together, but it was habit for her really.
"It was stupid, alright? I admit it," he said defensively. "I changed it all back, paid a twenty galleon fine, and was put on probation."
Silence reigned again.
"So how far exactly is the Head's Room?" she inquired.
"Ahhh…" he glanced around. She glared.
"Don't tell me you're lost."
"I'm lost," he said, grinning.
"I don't believe you!" she cried. Now what would they do.
"Good," he said, before announcing they were there.
"But you just said…"
"You told me not to tell you I was lost. I thought, why? What would happen if she thought we were? Would the world end? Would my existence be forever changed? It's a dangerous thing, telling a Marauder not to do something without giving any logical reasoning."
She made a disgruntled sound. "For one evening, is it possible for you to not do anything to offend me, so I in turn won't be completely frustrated? I really lack the appropriate energy right now."
"It's possible, but not probable," he said. "I'm having copious amounts of gratuitous sex with Lily Evans."
"What do you think you're—" the sight of the portrait they were standing in front of opening cut off her words. She closed her eyes and the heat in her cheeks seemed to roar. "Please tell me that isn't the password?"
She looked at him begging. "I told you my friends wouldn't guess it," he said in his defense, and she noted a tinge of red on his cheeks as well. She closed her eyes and a long moment of silence reigned. "Say something," he demanded.
"I don't think I quite have the words to describe the ferocious disgust towards your person I'm feeling at this very moment," she declared. How could he have possibly done such a thing?! She glared at him with all the vestiges of boiling rage left in her after the thoroughly exhausting day.
"That's never seemed to stop you before," he said.
"You sound as though you enjoy that," she said skeptically.
"I wouldn't say I enjoy it," he said thoughtfully. His eyes found hers, and she could feel the sincerity behind his words. "I like the fact that you aren't afraid of hurting my feelings if it means you're being honest. I like the fact that you're willing to stand up for what you believe in, even if you're right, and especially when you're wrong. I like the fact that you have one of the most…colorful mouths on a girl I've ever heard, and I like the fact that you're not afraid of offending the company we keep by using it."
Rather than face the explosion he knew would be coming any moment, he chose to enter the Head Room. She stood there telling herself to take deep breaths for several moments and fought down a completely inappropriate grin before following.
The room was beautiful; the deep lush red and elegant gold and white trimmings making the room hold an air of nobility. The plush-looking furniture was intricately carved cherry wood. The marble fireplace was decorated with an array of welcoming sweets and butterbeer. It was large, though much smaller than the Gryffindor common room, as it was obviously only expected to house and comfort two people.
Their doors were carved and painted with old runic symbols of blessing. Lily smiled as she looked at hers, knowing it was hers without even knowing how. Something deep stirred within her as she looked at it, and glancing over at James, who was staring at his own door, was rather sure he felt the same thing. She stepped forward, but there was no handle for her to open. James pulled out his wand and was trying several different unlocking charms, all with no success.
Something whispered in Lily's gut, and before she even thought about it, she raised her hand to the door, her fingers tracing the rune in the center, a symbol she didn't recognize. Immediately it evaporated into the wood, and a round handle appeared in its stead, in the center of the door. Smiling, Lily turned the knob, and hearing the satisfying click of an opening lock, pushed open the door.
Her room was much smaller than her old dormitory room had been, but then, she thought, this one only needed to house her and no one else. The thought saddened her somewhat, and she realized that she had almost looked forward to listening to Alice snore and Marlene talk in her sleep as she too drifted off. Leaving the door open, she walked in and looked fondly at the four poster bed that was made and ready to be taken advantage of. She bit her lip as she glanced down at her trunk, but sighed and opened it, before beginning to unpack. She put her clothes in her bureau and her toiletries in the Head bathroom, which was definitely a perk with its luxuriously personalized his and her sections. She brought her books out and placed them in the bookstand she had noted earlier in the common room, surprised to see James's already there— both his textbooks and a good array of personal ones as well. She raised an eyebrow at the highly advanced transfiguration and DADA books, though, she reasoned, those had always been his best subjects and he probably had an interest in them if he wanted to be an Auror.
She glanced over at his door. She frowned, thinking about the password. He really was immature, not to mention crude. It really wasn't fair that he had chosen something so incredibly inappropriate, though she supposed she should have expected as much when she had said that anything would be fine. Shaking her head, she resigned herself to the fact that this was James Potter she was dealing with. Simply because he had been made Head Boy did not change the fact that he was irrevocably the frustration he had always been, only that she would be forced into participating in their little mind games much more often. Upset, knowing that he would never do anything to make this easier for her, knowing that she was going to have to fight him for every bit she gained, knowing that the position had suddenly become another task and chore instead of honor, she slid into bed, thinking about how he must be celebrating in the next room over.
The sudden image of him sitting on his bed with that same tortured expression he had worn when she had entered the Head compartment on the train entered her mind. She imagined him thinking about his friends with the same segregated longing she did hers, and she thought about the fact that she really was only a door away from him. She shook the thoughts from her mind. They weren't friends, and she knew that going over there would only instigate another argument, even if he was in a position of vulnerability (though she mentally snorted in amusement at the very idea of that).
She rolled over and tried to sleep, but nervousness and excitement of all that was to come kept her restless for most of the night. Around four, she finally managed to drift off into a deep sleep that left her groggy and slow when she awoke. Rubbing her eyes, and glancing at the clock, she realized she would have to hurry if she wanted to get a decent breakfast in. Glancing at the bathroom door, she took note of the little sign that indicated the Head Boy was 'Out'. She entered, hoping the indicator he most likely had in his room would not entice him into entering. He had said he would act as a gentleman, and for as much as Lily was nervous, she did trust him to keep his word. James was many things, but a liar was not one of them. Still, she showered and changed quickly.
Entering the common room, she found that he had left his door open, and that he had already left. It was a bold move on his part and it clearly displayed a level of trust that she did not feel the need to reciprocate. She shut her door tightly, pleased when the rune once again engraved itself on her door. About to head out, she noticed a piece of parchment on the table near the portrait hole. Curious at the letter addressed to her, she picked it up and began to read the messy scrawl.
Evans Lily,
I'm sorry about the password. I've already talked to the Baron Von Tressor (the portrait) and he says he'll accept whatever you say first when you exit as the new password. Also, I figured you didn't get a very clear idea of where the Head Room is in relation to the rest of the school, so I drew you a little map—
At this, she pulled out the second piece of parchment that was an incredible replica of the passageways surrounding the Head Room, with little trails marked for the fastest ways to get to the Great Hall, the Gryffindor dormitories, the Library, and their classrooms. A little dot stood where she did, and above the dot a little scribble said 'You are here.' She was incredibly impressed and incredibly upset. Just how in the world did he know about all of this (besides her infamous ability to always get lost at the worst times—especially when she was late)? The magic that he must have used was very advanced, and though the map wasn't of the whole school, she really rather thought it was quite genius and, once getting past who she had received it from, one of the most heartfelt gifts she had ever received. Smiling, she turned back to the note.
Hope it helps. To clear it, just tap it twice with your wand, and twice again to reveal it. Don't lose it, or we'll be in trouble!
-James
For a moment, Lily felt slightly guilty about her thoughts the night before. It really was horrible of him, she decided. Whenever he was being a prat he was being himself, and whenever he was being nice, he was only doing it because he liked her…maybe even loved her. It put her in the awkward position of never knowing what his real intentions behind the things he did were. If the only reason he was being incredibly considerate was so she would like him back, then it upset her that he would think she could be easily persuaded to turn a blind eye to his annoying habits…but if he was being genuine because maybe who he was was becoming less pratish, then how was she to know?
Horrible, she reiterated in her mind as she followed the arrows on the map to the Great Hall, he's simply horrible.
Sitting down with her friends, she filled her plate and resolutely would not look in his direction. She felt slightly ungrateful and slightly justified. Looking down at the schedule she was passed by Marlene, she noted that she would have all of the same classes as Alice and Remus, though Marlene, Dorcus and the rest of the Marauders had Muggle Studies instead of Ancient Runes.
She was happy to note that Double Charms was their first lesson, followed by Potions. While Lily had never particularly excelled in Potions, Marlene was meticulous to a fault, and quite often was a competitor for Serveus Snape's top position. Since Lily was usually her partner, and the professor preferred they work in pairs so as to minimize both the amount of materials used and the damage that could be done, she often found the class quite enjoyable and received top marks herself. The day passed with unusual normalcy, their teachers overemphasizing how their hard work during their last and final year for their NEWT exams would outline the course for their entire futures. She did her best to avoid James as much as possible, though he seemed to be everywhere she was, whether by fate's design or his own she was never quite sure.
For the most part, during the day she could ignore him all she wanted, but at night, when she could no longer dawdle in the Gryffindor common room with her friends, she had to return to the Head Room, and to him. Her new password, an obscure passage from a Yeats poem, would be cracked within the week, he had declared. Apparently Remus had a fondness for obscurity as well, though he had told her it was a good start. Their conversations were always curt and awkward, and often after attempting several minutes of civil pleasantries, they would fall into silence, unable to think of anything to say. It was obvious they were trying their best to be pleasant with one another and get along. It was absolutely painful.
She was glad when their homework loads began to pick up, so that she could bury herself in her work, and did not have to make an excuse to avoid him. He as well had very quickly made a habit of leaving before she awoke, and stayed out until curfew, though she had noted he was never once late coming back on time. He breezed through the same homework she spent hours on and he always seemed to be able to perfectly balance his class work with all of his duties, as well as Quidditch practices and time for his friends and their antics, though she had noted that none of their pranks were nearly up to the par they had set during previous years. He seemed somehow mellowed, but still amused, except when he dealt with her. His face would become serious, and it had gotten to the point where she could barely look at him without feeling the frustration boil under her skin.
She watched as James began to walk over to the table she and her friends were sitting at, every fiber of her being bristling with tension, but he did his part and didn't even glance in her direction. He spoke to Dorcus, who was also on the Quidditch team, about tryouts for their open Seeker position. Lily took the opportunity to head up to grab her books. It was inevitable, she thought later. With so many of the same classes it was bound to happen because he was so messy and couldn't keep his own books on their own shelves. She had accidentally taken his textbooks instead of her own, and she did not realize this until she was sitting in Transfiguration class and it was too late to do anything about it.
She looked at him from across the room and he warily inspected what had to be her own books, obviously aware that they were not his. He was touching them with only the tips of his fingers and making a face of slight distaste. Remus, sitting at his side, spoke to him, and tossed his head in her direction. James looked at her with obvious realization, but before he could communicate anything, Professor McGonnagal snapped at him to pay attention.
Obviously irritated, he turned back to class, and she did the same. A moment later, a note was passed to her, and discreetly, she opened it under her desk.
Careful. They're charmed. I've got something I have to do during lunch so I'll trade you back later. Be in the common room at 8.
She looked back over at him and nodded, slightly ruffled that he would make her work around his schedule, though she would have been in their common room that night at that time anyway and they both knew it. Pushing aside the slight frustration into the pile that had been building since they tentatively called a truce, she crumpled up the note and refocused her attention to class.
James's books had indeed been charmed, if that's what she could call it, though not in a way she could have expected. There were notes that were annotated in the side margins to her, often warnings that made her laugh. Do not combine with frogspawn--can result in leprosy. Adding two extra flies can make smell similar to that of Dungbombs and Goyle. Don't ever ever ever attempt while under the influence of Firewhiskey--unless looking to grow extra limbs.
His books also were liquid proof, which Lily discovered quite by accident when she spilled a drop of pumpkin juice on a page, and it moved its way off and onto the flat table. Certain spells were renamed accordingly: transforming rocks into margarine had become I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and charming things to smell like roses was renamed to A Spell Every Slytherin Should Be Required To Learn and Practice Daily. On top of that, if Lily was thinking about a specific spell or potion or charm she was looking for, regardless of where she would open the book, the right page would be staring back at her.
There were other charms, she was sure, that she had not discovered, but she was absolutely in love with James's books, and had almost come to dread the time when she would have to return them. But he did not return to the common room that night, and she knew because she stayed in it. It was quite possible that he had been held up with some other business. It was quite possible he had forgotten their meeting. It was quite possible he had stayed out late and had left early. But she doubted it.
Lily had glanced out at the full moon from the common room window as she heard the long cry of a wolf in the night. She had said a silent prayer for Remus, whom she had discovered was cursed with lycanthropy in third year. She had been sick in the hospital wing on the night of the full moon, when he was suppose to be visiting his own sick grandmother, and he was led out of the wing by Madam Frotney. She was there when he had been helped back in the next morning, covered in cuts and bruises and looking deathly ill.
A sudden thought had struck Lily just then, and though she tried to dismiss it, a heavy feeling settled in her stomach that she couldn't shake. It was ridiculous, but…what if…what if James was out there…with Remus? What if James knew about Remus as well? Surely he must have by now, her logical side reasoned. She knew that James was brilliant, and if he had roomed with Remus for six years, there had to have been signs he would have picked up on. She thought about what Sirius had said that night at James's home, the words echoing around her head: You have no idea all that he is! How noble and brave and passionate! How much he would risk and lose, just for the happiness of those he cares about, even if it's only fleeting or temporary!
He was out there, she realized. They all were. Sirius and maybe even Peter too. It was so dangerous. They could be hurt, or infected, or even…Lily refused to think about any of them dying. The thought was just too hard to take, even if she didn't consider any of them a friend, and even if a small part of her hoped one of them might get hurt so it would teach them to stop acting like idiots.
Fear and anger washed through her in waves throughout the night, keeping her vigilant, though close to dawn, sleep won out. She pushed away the hand that tried to rouse her not even an hour later, but when she realized it was James, all thoughts of sleep fled her mind.
"What are you doing out here?" he asked. She noted the dark circles under his eyes, the dirt on his robes, the smell of the forest that hung around him.
"What am I doing out here?" she repeated, her voice shaking in a dangerously low whisper. What little defenses she had left to keep her anger in check snapped. "What am I doing out here?! Of all of the selfish, mean, terrible things to do to someone! I'm out here because you asked me to be out here! At eight o'clock last night! Or don't you remember? Only, you never showed up! Not just on time, but you didn't show up at all, leaving me here to sit and wonder where in the world you must be! Like in the Forbidden Forest, with your friends, in a horribly dangerous situation, possibly hurt or even dea…"
She couldn't finish that sentence and she looked away. "I meant eight o'clock this morning," he said softly in a pained voice. "I didn't think you'd notice if I…wasn't here last night. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."
"Well you did," she said, the overwhelming anger no where near dissipated. "You're so stupid! You're so incredibly stupid and selfish and do you even realize what you're risking!? Did it even cross your mind what would happen to you if something went wrong, or are you so arrogant that you thought you could handle it all on your own!? And did you!? Or is someone else besides Remus laying up in the hospital wing right now?!"
He looked shocked. "You know…you know about Remus? For how long?"
"Of course I know about Remus. I'm not stupid, James. I figured it out in third year, but that's not the point! The point is that you being out there with him isn't safe!" Hot tears burned in her eyes, though she willfully held them back. She had been so worried, had let that anxiousness stir in her stomach for too long, and now that she saw he was okay, she couldn't stop her trembling.
"Lily," he said softly, and made to take her in his arms, but she forcefully shoved him away and glared darkly at him. He sighed. "Listen, we…I wasn't in any danger. I know it's hard for you to believe, but really, I was fine. Remus…isn't a danger to me. Please trust me on this. I can't tell you why. I wish I could, but I can't, because…"
Her jaw dropped. "Because it's not just you you're protecting. Whatever you've done, Sirius and Peter did it too. It's against the school rules, and you don't want to get in trouble. I can't believe you. I can't believe you!"
"What do you want me to do? What do you want me to say?" he said sharply. "Remus is like a brother to me, and for so long it was so hard to watch him be in so much pain for something that wasn't even his fault! So I found a way that we could be with him, and yes, it's against the regulations. Hell, it's against the law! But we did it, because he's my friend, and I don't regret doing what we've done! It's not about saving myself from detention; it's about protecting my friends! It's about loyalty and it's about making someone else's suffering easier. When we're with him, he's almost himself again. What if we could find a cure through all of this? Wouldn't it be worth it?"
She couldn't look at him. It wasn't worth it, she kept telling herself. He could be dead. It wasn't worth it. "Tell me." She looked deep into his eyes. "Tell me how you do it, or I'll go straight to Dumbledore."
He looked pained. "Please don't ask me to," he said, but her resolve had hardened. Suddenly he was the frantic looking one and not her. Her trembling stopped.
"Tell me." He let out a frustrated sigh.
"It's not any of your business, alright? Just keep your stuck-up nose out of it!" He stood up as though he meant to walk away, though they both knew he wouldn't. She stood up too, blessedly familiar fury dancing in her veins.
"Tell me!" she demanded. He turned to her, their bodies both in offensive positions. His jaw tightened and he glared at her vehemently.
"We're animangi," he said tightly. Shock filled her. She slumped back down to the couch. He wouldn't look at her. Thoughts raced through her head, about how dangerous and illegal it all was, but mostly about how brilliant he really must be. She looked up at him and didn't know what to say. "We planned it starting in third year, managed it in fifth, and have been sneaking out to see him every full moon since. Peter is a rat, Sirius is a dog, and I'm…I'm a stag."
"You nicknames for each other…" she said. He nodded.
"We sneak out under my Invisibility Cloak, transform and go see him. We come back the same way. We…try to be as careful as we can," he finished somewhat awkwardly.
She didn't know what to say. He still wouldn't look at her. Her nerves were fried, and she just wanted to go to bed, but she knew classes would be starting soon. She stood up, and without saying a word, walked off to the bathroom to bathe and dress and think distracted thoughts about how James was a brilliant stag.
When she made it down to the Great Hall, she saw James and his friends huddled together. James sat there silently while the other three all seemed to whisper angrily at once. Lily ducked her head as she walked passed and they fell silent.
"What was that all about?" Marlene asked as she sat down with her friends. "And why is Sirius Black glaring at you like he wishes you were dead?"
"Because he probably does," Lily said dismally.
"What?" Marlene asked surprised. Lily shook her head.
"It's nothing," she said.
"Don't tell me he's still upset you docked him points for dueling with Snape in the hall the other day," Marlene asked. Lily knew he wasn't as she had docked Snape points as well, but she nodded anyway. Marlene made a frustrated sound. "Boys are so immature."
"I happen to find boys quite lovely thank you very much," Alice said from behind a long letter from Frank. The girls grinned.
"Frank excluded," Marlene conceded. "Speaking of which…"
Though conversation continued around her, Lily was quickly lost in her own thoughts. She glanced over at James, who, amidst his quarreling friends, was gazing at her. She thought of James being a stag –not some ferocious animal like a lion or a bear— but a stag, majestic and noble and strong. She thought about everything she knew about James, and knew that out of the entire animal kingdom, she would never had thought of a stag for him. But your transformed self was suppose to be your totem, a reflection of your inner spirit, and suddenly it seemed very fitting that James was a stag. Without realizing it, a smile had come to her face.
James turned to his friends, and she heard him as he told them she would not tell anyone. It wasn't until he had said it that she realized it was true. They had risked enough without having to deal with her knowing as well. She was called back into the conversation with Marlene, but as she saw the Marauders stand, a thought struck her mind and she stood.
"Where are you going?" Marlene asked.
"Head business. Just a question for James," she said. He had turned at the sound of his name, and as she turned to walk after him, saw him lingering back. He nodded at his friends to go on ahead when she walked up, though all of them gave her strange and wary looks.
"I want to see," she said. He looked confused and then surprised. "Not here. Tonight. Just you. I want…to see what you look like."
He looked at her for a long minute. "Alright," he said. "I'll be by around seven tonight, but…"
"That's fine," she said, understanding that he would have to meet up with his friends. She didn't know why she had the overwhelming urge to see him transform, only that she did. It was with an anxious and distracted mind that she took notes with the rest of the day, and she didn't even begin the homework piled in front of her, merely sitting on her hands to keep them still, waiting for him to arrive.
The portrait hole opened and he walked in. There was an awkward expectant feeling. She felt like she should say something but the only thing she could think of was to tell him that he didn't have to if he felt uncomfortable, which she didn't want to say because she didn't want to give him an easy out.
He walked up to her, and looked at her, his form just as intense as his gaze. "Are you sure you want to see this?" he asked. She nodded. He sighed.
Muttering the incantation, she watched transfixed as antlers wound their way out of his head and he fell on four proud legs, sprouting a fine coat of soft hair and his ears wiggled on the sides of his head. She wasn't even aware that she wasn't breathing until she gasped as he took a tentative step forward to meet her. Her hand reached out to him, running up the soft slope of his muzzle-like nose and her fingers flowed around his antlers, wondering at the simultaneously hard and soft texture of them, like velvet fabric wrapped around steel poles. Her hands continued to caress him, until quite suddenly he had transformed back and had stumbled away from her, one of his hands reaching up to grip at his hair and the other fisting at his side. His gaze was dark and intense.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I—"
"You didn't hurt me," he said, his voice ragged. He swallowed, his hand falling away from his hair to clench at his side opposite the other. She didn't understand why he had transformed so suddenly. "I…your touch…it's different…your mind, your being is different when you're in that form. Everything, your thoughts especially, are…purer somehow, more clear and simple."
He looked away from her. "When you want something, it consumes you in a way that's indescribable."
She flushed a deep red to match the carpets as the meaning of his words sunk in. "Oh," was all she could manage to get out. He couldn't look at her, but she, steadily avoiding looking at him as well, did not notice.
"I have to go now," he said, and before she knew it, she heard the portrait hole close behind him and she was once again alone, with only horribly distracting thoughts of James lingering in her mind.
AN: I am terribly sorry this took a week longer than I wanted to update (and if it is horribly grammatically incorrect I apologize as well). It is actually only up because I have spent between midnight and four in the morning working on it because it is the only time I really have available. The problem is that I have been working on parts that come in a bit later, so hopefully those chapters will come up a bit faster for it. I haven't forgotten about Gideon, and I am hoping to actually write out some Quidditch scenes (which are rather essential to the plot) when I get some time on Sunday. I greatly appreciate the reviews people have been sending, and though I know this chapter wasn't quite as up to par as I would like it to be, I hope you enjoyed it!
