Time.
It was a powerful word.
On Voyager it meant the Delta Quadrant it meant each passing day had been unspent with family and loved ones. It meant the possibility that Voyager would never return home, but in the minds of the hopeful, it meant a chance that a wormhole would appear in every new sector of space.
Just give her time
B'Elanna's words that once rang loudly in Chakotay's mind, became but a faint echo as the month passed.
He remembered the words he had once spoken.
I can't sacrifice the present waiting for a future that may never happen
In the Delta Quadrant, time could be a matter of 1,000 to 65,000 light years, and that very thought terrified him.
….
Kathryn sat at her desk in her quarters holding a PADD in her hand as the other cradled her chin. She tried desperately to keep her mind focused, only to find herself re-read every line in her struggle to concentrate.
A loud bleeping sound interrupted her already distracted mind, and without a second thought she knew who it was and as much as it pained her, her heart still skipped a beat at the thought of him.
"Come in," she bid him entry, being mindful not to look at him until the last moment.
"The report you wanted," Chakotay held the PADD out to her. When she took it their eyes briefly met, but Chakotay was quick to cut the contact.
"I'm sorry it took so long."
Kathryn shrugged unbothered by the delay. In all honesty it was just another PADD to add to her growing pile. But she saw the tiredness around his eyes and it saddened her knowing that he used to conceal that impression for her sake.
"Rough shift?" she questioned.
Chakotay's eyebrows lifted a fraction. He was surprised by her comment, even she was. This was as much as normal as she had managed since their break up.
"Nothing I couldn't handle," was Chakotay's emotionless response.
Kathryn felt a knife stab into her heart.
"Of course," she replied dryly.
She wasn't as much as disappointed as she was hurt. It had been a month from hell. She had thought that by breaking things off with Chakotay, she would at the very least have a civil working relationship with her First Officer, but now it was becoming apparent that she had lost both.
Chakotay cleared his throat.
"Well if that's all, goodnight Captain," he began to retreat.
"Chakotay wait."
He paused on the spot facing the door, he clenched his jaw as he braced himself for her next words.
"We need to talk."
He loosened his jaw.
"Is it about the ship?"
She hesitated.
"No."
"Then I think you've already said everything."
The sadness in his voice was evident.
"No," she said quickly with a little more force than she would have liked. "I haven't."
Chakotay turned back to her. Kathryn could see the hurt now clearly visible in his eyes.
"What do you want from me?"
"I want us to discuss what's happened. There's tension between you and I and we need to fix that."
"This isn't something you can fix with a dermal regenerator and say it's all better, Kathryn."
"I'm not suggesting that."
"Then where are you going with this?" he insisted
She leant back on her chair and ran a hand through her hair.
"You're not making this easy for me, Chakotay."
"Easy for you?" he questioned, feeling his blood begin to boil. "Do you have any idea what you've put me through?"
Kathryn stood up and rounded her desk towards him.
"Do you honestly believe that any of this," she waved a hand between them, "isn't hard for me either?"
"Well you've been doing a great job pushing it aside."
"Because I have to!"
They looked at each other for a few moments. Raw emotions painted on their faces. Fragile emotions of the pain they had put each other through. After a while Chakotay took a step back.
"I understand your position Kathryn, I really do," he said gently.
She crossed her arms, getting impatient.
"But?" she acknowledged.
He sighed. "But, we may never get home. Ever. I know that's not what you want to hear and I don't want to believe it either, but it's a very real possibility."
Kathryn felt the tears sting in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall..
"Do you honestly want to spent the rest of your life alone?"
"Of course I don't."
"Then why did you push me away?" he stepped forward. "Why did you push us away?"
Kathryn's head dropped.
"Because I let it get too far," she whispered softly, walking to the viewport so that her back was to him. In all honestly, it was easier that way.
"At the beginning, I'll admit there was a spark - an attraction that brought us together and I foolishly thought that being with you that way would satisfy those feelings, but it didn't," she sighed, " I wanted more."
"As time went by it wasn't so much as a want as it was a need, because I realized that somewhere along the line I had fallen in love with you."
Chakotay's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, as though it was the last thing he was expecting her to say.
"I've lost the two loves of my life, Chakotay - I can't lose you too."
He knew what she meant. While Captain, it would be too difficult to lose him while in an intimate relationship, no matter how private. She had been through it too many times in one lifetime.
They stood for a moment processing the situation until Chakotay finally spoke.
"Do you have regrets?"
She looked at him for a moment pondering his question then shook her head.
"No," she whispered. "I may not have done a great job in showing it, but I wouldn't change those weeks we spent together for anything. But I do know that I've hurt you Chakotay and for that I am truly sorry. I did what I thought was right, what is right, given the circumstances."
Chakotay softened his voice. "No one on this ship would ever doubt your commitment to this crew, to your objective of getting us home and though I can't guarantee that I'll always be there. You don't need to sacrifice your happiness because there's a chance it may end up hurting you, because I think you'll find soon enough that fighting this, will hurt you even more."
Kathryn felt tears sting at the corner of her eyes. "You don't know what you're asking of me."
"I'm not asking for anything," he said simply. "Kathryn, I won't sugar coat it and pretend that our circumstances won't affect us somewhere along the line, because it has and it will. I've seen you at your best and your worst. I know how badly you want to get this crew home and I see how hard you work yourself to ensure that the crew is your number one priority. I see the sadness in your eyes when we're given hope for home that is then ripped away from us. I see your kindness and your strength, that's who you are. That's why I love you - I love who you are."
A tear ran down her cheek as she felt the weight of his words.
"I made a promise to you that I wouldn't ask for more – that was the deal and I asked anyway. What I said was wrong, and for that I'm sorry. But you're right – this tension can't go on and though I'll always cherish what we had, I miss my best friend more, and I don't want to lose her too. I can't promise you that I'll be the friend you deserve right away, because I need time, but I will promise you that I'll try."
"Did you mean it?" she asked ignoring what he had just said. "Did you love me?"
He looked at her, unsure of whether to tell her the truth.
"I still do," he admitted. "More than anything."
They fell back into silence, a faint smile graced Kathryn's lips. Chakotay smiled back taking it as a sign to leave it there, hopeful that the cracks in the friendship would slowly mend over time.
"Chakotay?" she called just when he had reached the door. He stood on the spot then turned around to find Kathryn bridging the gap between them. As she neared him Kathryn brought her hands up to fist his jacket pulling his body closer to hers and forcing their lips to crash together.
Chakotay's tongue brushed across her lips and she willingly opened her mouth, deepening the kiss and returning it fervently. Her hands moved to tangle in his hair while Chakotay's moved from her face to wrap around her waist as they backed up until Kathryn made contact with her desk.
Chakotay lowed his hands further down her waist then lifted her up easily until she sat on the desk, swiping the PADDs and various items off its the surface without a care. Kathryn's fingers deftly moved to unzip his jacket as their mouths continued their passionate exploration.
When they broke for air, Kathryn pushed Chakotay's jacket off his shoulders enticing him to shrug it off his arms, letting it fall carelessly to the floor.
Once free, Chakotay wasted no time reaching to unzip Kathryn's jacket, peeling it off with haste before slipping his hands underneath her undershirt. His fingertips lightly brushed against her skin as he pulled the shirt upwards, sending electrifying shocks down her spine.
Kathryn, lifted her arms up when her shirt reached her shoulders and Chakotay, pulled it gently over her head before casting it aside to meet the other disarrayed items on the floor.
He took a moment to look at her - she was just as beautiful as he had remembered. Her creamy breasts perfectly filled her simple black lace bra. He stepped closer to her and her face lit up with delight as she felt his hardened erection brush against her thigh.
As he had just done to her, Kathryn stripped Chakotay of his undershirt before hungrily bringing her mouth to his neck, pecking at the sensitive spot behind his ear.
"Kathryn," he gasped as her hands moved to travel down his chiseled chest.
Chakotay's hands traveled up her back until they met the band of her bra. He unclasped it expertly, pushing the straps off her shoulders as he removed it from her. He pressed their chests together feeling her nipples harden against his skin.
Gently tipping her back he placed a hand on her exposed breasts, pinching a nipple before he lowered his mouth to the peach colored bud, moving his tongue in circular motions that made her cry out in pleasure.
"I can't wait," she gasped as she felt the heat of her arousal stir inside her.
Chakotay smirked leaning in to capture her mouth with his once more as he made quick work of unbuttoning her pants. Kathryn arched her back as Chakotay lifted her hips up and pulled her pants down her legs, ridding her of her socks and shoes, and lastly her panties. He felt the strain of his bulge against his pants and swiftly rid himself of the rest of his clothing until they were both gloriously naked before one another.
Chakotay placed his large hands on her delicate hips as he placed his engorged member at the tip of her entrance. Kathryn wrapped her legs around his waist and snaked her arms around his neck, bringing them closer together, beckoning him to enter her.
Neither was hesitant as the need to be inside one another grew with intensity and passion that burned with every passing moment. With a twinkle in her eye, Chakotay slid his member with a gentle thrust inside her opening that defied the pace they had begun to set. He let her adjust to his length as he filled her, unable bring himself to forcefully enter her in any way that might bring her pain or discomfort, even if only for a moment. Kathryn moaned in pleasure arching her back to him as she raised her hips, relishing the feeling of their bodies entwining.
They set the rhythm at a fast and hard pace. They knew it wouldn't last long, but the need to be together in that moment was so intense it needed to be satisfied with a quick haste. The heat between them was rising as they both climbed to the top. Kathryn wrapped her legs tighter around Chakotay, lifting her pelvis to pull him deeper inside her until they both cried out in pleasure as they rode their final moments and Chakotay's seed filled her.
They clung to each other as they regained their breath until Chakotay pulled out and dragged Kathryn to the floor, laying in breathless silence.
"This wasn't quite how I imagined that talk would go," Chakotay broke the silence, his chest rising and falling as his breathing steadied.
Kathryn laughed, rolling over until her bare chest was pressed against his. She smiled at him before she set her head down against his chest.
"I've missed this," Chakotay said as he rubbed her back. "I've missed you."
"I know," she whispered, listening to the sound of their breathing become steadier. "Me too."
"Do you think we made a mistake?" Kathryn question after a while, lifting her head up to look around at the strewn uniform on the ground.
"No."
He sounded certain.
"You'd do it again?" she questioned seriously.
"Well, give me some time to time to recover and I'll prove it to you," came his witty response.
She laughed, her smile reaching her eyes.
"You know what I mean," she uttered as she slapped his chest playfully.
Chakotay caught her hand and pressed a delicate kiss on her fingertips.
"In a heartbeat."
It was a response that warmed her heart. She leant forward and placed a tender kiss on his lips before she reached across the floor, picking up his shirt and slipping it over her. It barely covered her ass, but Chakotay didn't mind the view.
Kathryn stood up and started to pick up the strewn PADDs on the floor and placed them on her desk again.
Chakotay reached for his boxers, puling them on then wrapping his arms around her waist from behind.
"They'll be okay with it," he whispered softly into her ear.
She bit her lip.
"I know."
"Doubts?"
"I always have doubts," she answered. "But you were right."
He raised an eyebrow. "I don't think I heard that correctly?"
She rolled her eyes turning around to place a hand on his chest.
"Chakotay," she began. "You're my sounding board, my rock, my confidant, my lover, my prisoner..." he laughed. "And you're my first officer." He looked at her and saw the adoration across her face. "I never knew one man could be so many things in my life, but here you are."
Chakotay leant forward and brushed his lips against hers.
"Whatever happens, I'm here for you," Chakotay questioned leaning his forehead against hers.
Kathryn nodded feeling as though a great weight had just lifted off her. Though their journey may be long, she found comfort in the one person who made her feel whole again and with that they would face the challenges of life in the Delta Quadrant.
Together.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.
- Pablo Neruda
THE END
