I don't think I realised how much I missed intimacy until I got it again.
It'd been a while and that's why I didn't think what we were doing was wrong because I missed it so much.I wasn't evening thinking who I was doing it with. I had made attempts to have something since Maddie died. Not a relationship but a little fun. I'm still human. While I turned to a bit of drink during the toughest days, meaningless sex never crossed my mind. I was too broken to leave the house for a while and I don't own the confidence to go to a club or bar looking for it. There were times I was tempted to go out with Sean but I knew I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt. No different to now.
But right now, in this moment, I let myself have it and returned the favour. I forgot I missed that part, too. As amazing as it is for someone to make you feel good, making someone feel good is even better.
Sian didn't kiss or even touch me as I worked my way around her body. Her hands gripped the mattress beneath us. I didn't think anything of it, more focused on pleasing her, trailing kisses along her jawline, down to her neck and chest and letting my fingers slipped beneath the elastic of her underwear.
"Oh, my God," I didn't stop myself whispering when I felt her wetness, amazed I still had that effect on her after so long.
I stroked along the line before curving two fingers inside. I almost smirked at her reaction, certain she'd feel my smile in her collarbone.
It didn't take long for her to come undone. I moved myself off of her. Not a word was spoken, we lay side by side, our heavy breathing was the only sound.
I suddenly felt dirty, the tears weld up the corner of my eyes. I wanted to turn and look at her, say something but I couldn't. Instead, I rolled over in the opposite direction, pulling the white crisp duvet with me and covering myself. I wasn't about to be exposed emotionally and physically. It was only a couple of seconds I felt Sian do the same.
Ever since I met Maddie, I'd become a light sleeper. Ever since our first night, I was always scared I would wake up alone again. The smallest sound has stirred me since.
So it didn't surprised me when a banging on the bed woke me.
There was Sian, sat on the edge, reaching down for her discharged top and pulling it over her head. She rubbed her knee.
I sat up, holding the sheet close to my body still.
"What are you doing?" I whispered, my body still in its sleepy state and adjusting to the bare-mineral light.
Getting up. She walked over to her shoes and put them on best she could while still standing with nothing to balance herself on. She seemed in a rush.
"I'm getting out of here," she spat.
"What," I said, unsure I heard her correctly.
She threw her hair up into a messy bun. "I'm leaving, Sophie. Do you understand that?"
"Why?" I frowned.
She almost gasped in disbelief. "Why? Because this shouldn't have happened."
"You came here, remember!" I replied angrily. "Okay, I'm the one who kissed you but you—"
"Yeah, alright. I get it," she said between her teeth before going on a search for her bag. "I shouldn't have. It was mistake."
"Was it?" I questioned.
she picked up her satchel and threw it over her shoulder, groaning. "Yes, Sophie! A stupid mistake. I should've never come. I'm sorry."
"So, you're leaving me again?" I swallowed hard, pulling the duvet closer to my chest, hoping it was cover my venerability.
"You're not gonna make me stay, Soph."
I remember the last time she said that and my heart dropped in the same way.
"I'm not. I just wanna know why," I tired to meet her eyes.
"We're not meant to be together obviously," she answered, walking away.
It felt like she was walking laps to avoid speaking to me and looking for a way out without having to use the door. I didn't want to be having the conversation either but there was no escaping it. I still had questions. I didn't want to wake up to a note on the pillow either.
"Says you. We can still try again," I muttered.
"Sophie, for God's sake!" she threw her hands up in the air, fazed. "We don't see or speak to each for years and when we do, we end up in bed together! Another drunken mistake I want to forget."
"We weren't a drunken mistake before."
"No, the drunken mistake you made."
I knew exactly what she was talking about. Again. Why couldn't she just forget about it?
It was my turn to talk through my teeth. "My drink was spiked."
"She didn't spike your brain, though. You did that on your own," she scoffed.
"Why does that matter? Why can't we get past what happened."
I tried to move towards her but she backed away into the corner and I wasn't about to get out the bed.
"Because we were teenagers. Some things should be left there," she breathed out, crossing her arms over her chest.
"We're not seventeen anymore," I whispered.
"No," she shook her head, "but do you remember what you told me on our wedding day?"
"No?"
"You told me you were scared because you didn't want us to end up like your parents," she started picking at the loose fabric on her shirt to avoid looking at me. "And we have."
"How?" I pleaded.
"I loved you, Sophie, more than anything in this world. We went through a lot of shit together and it ended badly. And, like I said, we see each other again and we have sex," she said lowly before looking at me finally. "Does that not sound like something they did countless times?"
"Yes, but—"
"Do you remember how much that upset you every time it happened?" she interrupted. "I was there every time. I'm not about to live that rollercoaster again and again. It's not good for either of us."
Getting frustrated, I run a hand through my knotted hair, moving it over to the side. "We'd work it out—"
"No! I don't want a life of drama!" she tried not to shout because of the hour. "I don't want to keep going back to the past and reliving it every single time we argue. We couldn't even see each other now and not talk about it. I wish I'd never come."
"Well, go then!" I spat back.
"I'm fucking trying," she said bluntly. "You shouldn't have woken up."
"You shouldn't have made a noise," I scoffed. "You always were rubbish at sneaking out."
I remember the mornings she tried to be quiet getting ready for college and the nights when she first moved in. She was suppose to be sharing with Rosie but we always found a way to see each other when everyone was asleep just so we could talk more. The nights we'd get a little carried away but nothing serious because we were both too scared to go further.
"Oh, I'm fucking sorry for walking into the bed I couldn't see. In the hotel room I just fucked my ex-girlfriend in. How unthoughtful of me!"
I almost whined at the way she worded everything. As if we just used each other when that couldn't have been further from the truth—for me anyway.
"Don't say it like that."
"How do you want me say it, Sophie? You want me to say it was love? Well, it wasn't! I can't even believe I'm still here talking about it!" she pushed herself away from the wall.
"So that's it? You're really going?"
"Yep," she said coldly.
With a quick look in her bag, she started towards the door.
"It was nice seeing you…"
"Please stop," she groaned, throwing her head back. She turned to me. "Look, thank you for the drinks. I'm glad you found other happiness. Go find it again. I… I, just… I need to go."
And like that, she was gone again. Again, I didn't chase after her. This time, I didn't even say anything. Not even an I love you would change anything. She was right. I tried hard to fight against it. Maybe it's the loneliness talking. Seeing her face again reminded me of happier times. The happier times we shared. I know we had our rough times. She's right about that, too. Maybe a little piece of me wants to go back. Maybe I just want to feel loved again and she was the first one to make me feel real love.
I don't regret going to Pride. I don't regret what happened. I still have questions but maybe she's right, maybe they're best left in the past. \
The End. Only ever meant to be a short writing exercise for myself. Never written anything like this before. Don't really think it's my style and it's a little rusty but I hope it was good enough and I did Sian justice as a bitch, just how I imagined she'd be even if it's been a few years.
I'm open to any feedback.
