Sorry that the posts have slowed down. What with the kids out on holiday and work being insane I haven't been able to devote the time I wanted to the project. I think I can still manage at least one a week. So don't lose hope for me. I really need the connection to the boys as I am still dealing with post season withdrawal. In a perfect world I would be a member of the SPN writing team, but my world is far from perfect – I own nothing.
Where Do We Go From Here Chapter 4
When Dean woke the next morning he was alone. For a heart stopping moment he felt pain and disappointment as his mind automatically settled on the idea that Cas had once more flown the coop and left him when Dean needed him as he had done so often over the years. His first instinct was to withdraw into his tough shell where manly men didn't have emotions much less express them. Then, his lingering sleep fuzziness cleared and he remembered that Cas couldn't fly off. He was probably awake somewhere in the bunker. Dean felt like an ass for jumping to the worst conclusion.
What had Cas said yesterday? That he had been afraid that Dean had went somewhere else to sleep when he had woke alone? Now Dean felt like a double ass. Once for thinking Cas would leave him and once for making Cas think the same of him. Worse he had felt himself start to withdraw. Something he had promised himself he wouldn't ever do where Cas was concerned if only he could have him back. A smile spread over his face as he figured the perfect penance for back sliding would be to go find Cas and kiss him silly.
He had just stood up and reached for his jeans when he heard the toilet flush from behind the closed-door of the bathroom. Dean froze, standing in his boxers and issuing a string of curses under his breath followed by a quick prayer of thanks that he had never voiced his doubts out loud. Then he paused to examine the fact that he had just prayed. He had done it the day before as well. Who was he praying to? Castiel had told him he couldn't hear him. None of the angels could. Well, except for one. And, he definitely wasn't praying to that asshole. The only other being he could be praying to was God. Did he believe that God was still around?
Right then the bathroom door opened and Castiel came out looking shyly at Dean who was still standing there holding his jeans. Castiel seemed uncomfortable and embarrassed to have been caught having a human moment, which he found to be absolutely adorable. Dean smiled reassuringly at him as he tugged on his pants. "It's ok, Cas. Everybody poops."
Cas' eyes skittered away from him and his face flushed as a blush settled over his features. Dean paused in buttoning his jeans and narrowed his eyes. Cas avoided looking in his direction as he glanced around the room. "Cas?" Dean spoke softly. "Are you… ok?"
"Yes, Dean," Castiel responded stiffly. "Should I keep wearing these clothes?"
"Uh, no. You can borrow something else," Dean answered warily. He pulled out a pair of jeans that were actually a little tight on him and a t-shirt. "We need to find you some shoes. Maybe Kevin has a pair you can borrow and then we could go buy you some clothes. And other stuff… Cas?"
Castiel nodded and took the clothes and headed back to the bathroom. Dean let out a pained sigh and called after him. "Cas, wait." Castiel paused and darted a quick glance over his shoulder. Dean felt like shit as he walked around in front of the other man. His insides felt oily and his belly churned as he caught Castiel's chin and tipped his face up so that he could look him in the eyes. "Are you really, ok? Are you hurt? You know, sore?"
Castiel's face registered confusion for a beat or two before realization hit. "Oh, no, Dean," insisted the former angel reaching up to cup Dean's stubbled cheek in his hand. "I am fine. Well, maybe a little sore, but not in a bad way." He leaned in to kiss Dean, his tongue teasing along Dean's lips until he opened them for and the kiss deepened. Too soon for Dean, Cas broke the kiss and smiled at him. "I could stand to go again if that's what you are asking."
"Hmm," Dean hummed his interest. It was half-hearted though. The several times they had reached for one another yesterday and the night before should have left the smaller man a little more than sore. Dean was sore and he had only bottomed once in the night even though he had made it clear he was willing for more. But, then as he shifted his weight he understood what Cas meant by not in a bad way. It wasn't painful. It was more like a muscle that ached after strenuous exercise.
"Why are you acting so weird, then," Dean asked, gazing into those impossibly blue eyes.
Cas blushed again. "I'm not used to the human needs my body has. It will take some getting used to."
"Oh, well," Dean smiled. "There is nothing to be ashamed of, baby."
"Baby?" Cas asked.
"It's a term of affection," Dean answered.
"I am aware of that," Castiel answered letting a little irritation show. "But, Dean, you call the car 'Baby'."
"You aren't jealous of a car are you, Cas?"
"Dean," Castiel frowned. "You love that car more than is warranted for an inanimate object. I am resigned to coming second in your affections behind Sam, but I refuse to be upstaged by the car."
"It's not like that, Cas," Dean said in surprise. He gathered Castiel close to him and rested his forehead against his so that he could stare into those blue eyes. "Besides, the Impala is more like a home. It's the only home we had before we found this place. It houses the ones I love. It doesn't come before them. It has housed you before. It has sheltered my family and because of that I do love it. But, you will always be more important to me."
Castiel's eyes were suspiciously shiny and as much as Dean wanted to pull away from this uncomfortably emotional moment he held his ground. "I love you, Castiel. I am scared shitless that something will take you away or that I'll wake up or you will come to your senses. But, I will hold on tight as long as I you want me. Do you understand?"
Castiel nodded. It wasn't lost on the ex-angel that Dean had used the formality of his full name to add weight to the words he had spoken. Cas didn't trust himself to speak. He knew that they were not perfect. He still jumped at shadows and felt weak and useless, something that made Dean angry. The dynamic of their relationship had changed, not just taken on a romantic layer. Castiel couldn't swoop in to save the day anymore. Dean was now the more dominant member of their partnership and Castiel spent half the time resenting it and the other half grateful to have his strong shoulders to rely upon. It left him feeling prickly this morning and unsure of his place.
He also knew how hard it was for Dean to speak openly about his feelings. If ever there was an indication of how important he was to the hunter this was it. Castiel felt like he was being overly needy, demanding this confirmation of Dean's love. But, there it was.
"I am scared, too, Dean," he whispered hoarsely. "I'm sorry… It's just I love you and… I'm afraid, so afraid." Dean kissed the corner of his eye and his cheek above his beard and the corner of his mouth.
"How about Sweetie-Pie?" Dean asked grinning against his lips. "Sugar, Honey, Darlin'?"
"Anything but Baby," Cas sighed.
Dean chuckled and nuzzled Castiel's neck underneath the beard. The hair on his face grew in softer than Dean would have expected. Dean liked to touch it. "Are you going to keep this?"
"Do you want me to?" Castiel asked.
"I think it's up to you if you want to keep it," Dean answered. "I don't mind it. I even think it's kinda sexy. I haven't ever seen you with a beard except for in purgatory. But, even if you don't shave it off you need to learn to keep it trimmed."
Castiel touched his face feeling the hair under his fingertips. Then he thought of how nice it would be to feel Dean's touch on his bare skin. "I don't like how itchy it can be. If I have to keep it trimmed anyway I might as well shave."
"Ok," grinned the hunter. He was actually looking forward to this. "Let's go learn how to shave."
Castiel followed Dean into the bathroom. He patiently allowed Dean to use his trimmer to shave off most of the hair before showing him how to apply shaving cream and scrape the rest off with a razor. He only nicked himself once and that was mainly due to Dean dropping a warm wet kiss upon his spine as Cas leaned over the sink and concentrated on shaving. Their eyes met in the mirror – Cas glaring and Dean's a study of innocence. The hunter couldn't help but draw a parallel between this moment and other moments they had shared in front of a mirror. It was usually him glaring at Castiel in the glass.
He wasn't sure why he suddenly was comparing human Cas moments to angel Cas moments. Maybe because Castiel was different now as one would expect, but the underlying personality of Castiel still felt off like when he had taken Sam's madness from him. It worried Dean more than he wanted to admit.
Castiel rinsed his face and patted it dry with a towel. The tiny nick had already stopped bleeding. Turning to Dean, Castiel noticed the worry wrinkling his brow and frowned. He reached up his hand in a vaguely angel reminiscent way to touch Dean's forehead and smooth over the lines of strain.
"What is wrong, Dean?" Castiel asked. "I cannot guess at what you are thinking. Did I do something wrong?"
Dean's face softened under his touch and he gave Castiel a small apologetic smile. "Nothing's wrong," He said. Then, he shook his head laughing at that statement. "Or, really, everything is wrong. It's just strange. When I found you outside and then all day yesterday I was just so happy that you were alive that I didn't really stop to think about how messed up everything is." Dean pulled Castiel into his arms for a hug.
"I haven't thought much about it either," said Castiel, with a sigh into Dean's shoulder. "I have really only thought about the moment that I was in and not about anything else. It was all I could handle."
"I know," Dean squeezed him tighter and then stepped back ducking to kiss his mouth before reaching up to run his hand down Castiel's smooth cheek. Cas leaned into the touch relishing the feel of Dean's callused hand on his bare skin. "God, you are sexy."
Castiel rolled his eyes. "Do you have to pray those thoughts to my father, Dean?"
Dean stopped and looked him in the eye. "Do you think he can hear me? I was wondering before."
"I don't know if we will ever know," his eyes closed briefly in pain. "It is a circumstance of free will that there is little interference from the creator."
Dean snorted. If there was ever a time when God should intervene it was now. None of them seemed to have a clue about what to do next. He was harboring a fallen angel, a broken demon and a prophet of the lord. There were fallen angels in hospitals and nursing homes and sanitariums all over the world that had no idea who they were or how they got there. And, according to Sam and Crowley, Abaddon has set herself up as the new Queen of Hell. He sorely wished he had nothing worse to deal with than a simple salt and burn.
o
They had slept late and then spent extra time over grooming followed by a tumble back into bed as Dean showed his appreciation for the nicely groomed Cas. So it was no surprise that Sam and Kevin had already finished their breakfast and were already working in the library. What did come as a surprise to Dean was that Crowley for the second day in a row wandered into the kitchen while he was in it. Crowley greeted them each with a shy distracted smile and headed to the coffee pot to refill his cup only to find that the pot was empty. Dean started to get up to help the demon but Crowley waved him back down. He had a copy of the local paper in his hands and he laid it on the counter while he busied himself refilling the water and measuring the grounds. That task done, he turned on the machine and sat down at the table with his paper to wait for it to drip through. Crowley refolded his paper to the page he wanted glancing up at the hunter he realized that Dean was staring at him and froze.
For a moment, it looked like he might turn into the quivering shrieking mess that he characterized the first couple days in the bunker any time Dean came near him. Then with a glance at Castiel who nodded at him encouragingly, Crowley offered Dean a timid smile and dropped his eyes back to his paper. Dean continued to stare at him for another minute while Crowley shifted uncomfortably.
Under the table, Castiel's hand squeezed his knee. Looking at him Dean saw a plea to not bully the demon across the table from him. Dean didn't understand it. Castiel had told him in between bouts of lovemaking the night before about his brief visit with Crowley. It had been clear that even though he felt pity for the demon he did not trust him. The hand squeezed his knee again and Castiel's eyes seemed to be indicating that he should talk to Crowley.
"So, uh, Crowley," Dean cleared his throat. "Anything in there about fallen angels or demons?"
Crowley looked up hesitantly and nodded his head. "Many of the vessels have been identified by their fingerprints. It's causing speculation around the world about aliens and UFO's. Some of these people have been missing for some time."
Castiel was nodding. "This could be a good thing."
Dean raised an eyebrow.
"Heaven has long allowed humans to ascribe just about anything to aliens," he explained. "It makes it easier to cover up sightings and other mistakes."
"Wouldn't you want people to know about you?" Dean asked. "I would think that some concrete evidence of your existence would ramp up religion."
"You misunderstand," Castiel frowned. "Religion is a human concept. God does not ask it of you. He only wishes people to obey a simple law."
"The ten commandments?"
"It's simpler than that, Dean," Castiel smiled. "First, love yourself and then love everyone else. If you follow those simple rules you will not break any commandments."
"What if God doesn't love you?" Crowley asked quietly.
"God loves us all," Castiel said turning towards the demon. "Even you, Crowley."
Dean shook his head as he stood and took their cereal bowls to the sink. "I thought you had doubts?"
"I had doubts about the mission, Dean. About what our role was here," he explained. "I do sometimes fear that He has left us. But, now I think that He is only letting us find our own way. Like a parent that must allow their children to grow up."
"Whatever. I don't want to discuss theology with you right now," Dean turned back to Crowley to find the demon deep in thought. "What about on the demon front?"
"Nothing jumps out at me," Crowley said, startled out of his meditation. "Could be she's got her hands full down there. Regime changes are always messy and take a while to get sorted."
Dean snorted. "I'd almost rather you were back down there. This bitch is off the rails psychotic."
Crowley looked almost shocked at the idea. "I kinda always had a soft spot for you boys, too, Squirrel." He got up to fill his cup from the fresh pot. "I don't think I'd be really all that good at it now though and someone who didn't have these warm fuzzy feelings would come along and take it from me. Oh, wait… she already did.
"Well," said Crowley. "The programming today is nothing but shit and I've read the paper. Maybe I should offer to translate ancient Sumerian or something. But, then, again, I haven't had a nap in a couple days. Maybe I'll do that instead. Cheers." And, then he walked out.
Dean looked at Castiel who was staring in the direction Crowley had gone with a pensive look on his face. More and more Dean wasn't sure what to do with the demon. It wasn't the first time they had called a truce and formed an uneasy alliance with one. Not even the first time they had teamed up with Crowley. And, if he were being honest none of them had clean hands. Why shouldn't he give Crowley the chance to prove himself good or bad? Not liking where his maudlin thoughts where leading, Dean shook it off.
"Come on, Cas," Dean rubbed his hands together. "Let's go see if Kevin's shoes will fit you."
o
After a quick stop at the library to borrow the kid's sneakers the two of them headed out in search of clothing for the ex-angel. Dean would have hit a couple of thrift stores and maybe an army surplus but Castiel didn't even have a pair of socks to his name or a tooth brush. Knowing that they would end up at one of those big retail discount superstores anyway he just went there first.
He had fun watching Cas look at t-shirts and picking out toiletries. For the most part he could just use Dean's shampoo and toothpaste but, when the ex-angel stopped in front of a display of electric razors and Dean couldn't say no. Then there was about a half an hour that Castiel spent wandering around in the pet department looking at the brightly colored fish. This time Dean did say no. He had enough to worry about without adding to it. Castiel reluctantly agreed even though he would have taken on the responsibility of caring for the bright blue beta by himself. The future was too uncertain.
After they had made their purchases Dean decided to extend their alone time by taking Castiel to lunch at a Chinese buffet near the strip mall. He followed Dean around the buffet tables as the hunter pointed out different dishes explained what they were. In the end, however, Castiel chose a variety of vegetable dishes and fruit. Dean would like to blame the sudden switch to a rabbit diet on Sam but the truth was human Cas just hadn't been under his brother's influence long enough. This was most likely all Castiel. An introduction to chopsticks wasn't nearly as much fun as Dean had expected. Cas found the chopsticks very easy to use.
The real winner of the dining experience was how much he was fascinated by the fortune cookies. His read 'Don't be covered in sadness or fooled by happiness, they both must exist.' which left him thoughtful. Dean's fortune read 'The love of your life is sitting across from you.' He broke out into a grin when he read it silently and then simply pushed it across the table for Castiel to see. Dean was glad that the booth they were in was high-backed because his shy lover leaned over the table and planted a kiss on him before sitting back and smiling happily.
On the way home, Castiel snuggled into Dean's side still gazing thoughtfully at the two tiny slips of paper. Dean had tried to explain that they were just random messages printed in a fortune cookie factory. But, they had apparently taken on some more significant meaning for Cas.
"They could just as easily have said 'Help I'm stuck in a Chinese fortune cookie factory!'" Dean laughed. "I got one once that said 'You have a beautiful soul'."
"You do have a beautiful soul," Castiel stated, lifting his head from Dean's shoulder. "It was the first thing I noticed about you."
"The first time you saw me I was in hell," Dean mumbled.
"Yes," Castiel agreed. "But, you shone so brightly in that dark and dreary place. Even as scarred and hurt as you were you were beautiful. I loved you then. I just did not know that it was a different love than what I felt for any of humanity. It took time to understand. Then, later, you healed and though the marks from that time were still there, you grew stronger in spite of... or perhaps because of them. You were so beautiful. I regret not looking at you longer on that last day."
"And, now you can't see it anymore just like you can't hear my prayers," Dean said quietly. "Cas..."
"I can't see it, Dean," he said. "But, I can feel that its there. It's where your love comes from."
Dean planted a kiss on his forehead and he leaned back against Dean's shoulder once more. Castiel thought about what Dean had said about the Impala earlier. It's true he felt safe with Dean's arm draped over his shoulder snugged up next to him on the wide bench seat. He was aware that feeling safe at all these days was ludicrous. However, for the moment he was content. He reached out his hand and patted the leather seat with affection.
o
"I don't understand why there is a pterodactyl flying around inside the building," stated Castiel.
He had stayed true to his word and spent time with Crowley over the last couple days. There were no earth shattering revelations or soul curing therapy sessions, however. Castiel had realized almost from the start that what the demon needed more than confession was simply a friend. And, while he was still wary of Crowley's intentions, he found that he enjoyed the company. Mostly the two of them bonded over their shared love of television.
"They can't have it flapping about all over Cardiff," Crowley patiently explained. "It would scare the public and bring chaos and disorder."
"But," Castiel asked, perplexed. "Where did it come from?"
"Through a time rift," the demon answered. Then added "They police the things that come through and keep the people safe from them."
"I see," Castiel said with his brow still wrinkled in confusion. "Are those two men in a romantic relationship?"
"I believe so."
"Then why does the Captain flirt with that woman so much?" he sneered. "Isn't married to another man?"
Crowley laughed softly and patted Castiel on the arm. "They are just very good friends. Don't fret. Your hero hasn't looked at anyone else in a very long time. I think you are safe."
Castiel looked pensive but nodded so Crowley dropped the subject and they resumed watching. After a little while, curiosity got the better of Cas and he spoke again. "Doesn't anyone ever walk over that part of the sidewalk and just disappear? Surely someone would notice if their friend just disappeared and then reappeared while they were walking down the sidewalk."
"Ah, yeah," Crowley grinned. "It would be a tourist attraction. People would just line up and pay a pound to walk through."
Castiel was about to pose another question when Kevin knocked softly and opened the door. "Hey, guys. Um, Castiel, Sam has something he wants you to take a look at."
"I will be right there," Castiel assured the boy and stood up into a stretch. He had been sitting with the demon for nearly two hours and he felt stiff. He could have sat still for days before he had lost his grace without feeling any ill effects. It was just another difference that annoyed him.
As he turned to leave he glanced at the demon. Raising an eyebrow Castiel cocked his head in the direction of the door. Crowley shook his head. Cas looked at him sadly and asked "How many languages do you speak? And, you hardly need sleep. You were just saying yesterday that you wished you could do something to help instead of just sitting in here watching television."
"I did not," Crowley spit out indignantly. "That sounds entirely too altruistic of me. I believe I said that there wasn't anything good on and I was bored enough to go help translate old moldy documents. I didn't say I would though."
Castiel just stared at him for a couple more beats before shrugging "Whatever. Stay here in your self-imposed dungeon." With that the former angel marched past Kevin without a backward glance.
Crowley watched him go with an amused expression. He glanced at the prophet still lingering in the doorway. "I think it's adorable how much he looks like an enraged kitten when you piss him off. Come on," he said pushing Kevin out the door ahead of him. "Let's not keep Moose waiting."
In the library at the end of the hall Sam had several scrolls laid out on one of the long tables. They all seemed to be written in the same unfamiliar language. Upon entering the room Castiel went directly over to it and began trying to make sense of the writings. Sam had just asked him if he could read it when Kevin and Crowley appeared in the doorway. Crowley stopped before stepping over the threshold and looked at Sam meaningfully. Sam looked down at the mat that lay in front of the door. Then the demon caught the edge of the mat with his foot and kicked it out of the way.
"Seriously, Moose," Crowley rolled his eyes. "I hope you have better ways to ward off demons than that." He pointed down to the devil's trap chalked on the floor. With the tip of his shoe he erased a portion of the circle rendering the mark useless. Sam sighed and looked from Castiel to Kevin who just shrugged his shoulders.
"I have seen this script before," Castiel spoke from the table. "But, I do not know how to read it. Crowley?"
The demon stepped over the mark and walked over to the table to look at the scrolls. There were nine of them and he examined each one making little humming noises in his throat as he did. Sam was about to lose his patience when Crowley looked up at Castiel and smiled. "Of course you don't," he said. "It's a demon script invented by a demon named Jorunus long before the ark set sail. It doesn't surprise me that you can't read it."
"Can you help us translate it?" Sam asked. "Maybe if you taught me how I could translate the rest." The gestured with his hand and Crowley and Cas looked at the boxes stacked along in front of one of the bookcases.
"All of those are demon texts?" Crowley asked. "Where did they come from?"
"Well," Kevin looked at Sam. "They were in the stacks upstairs. I was looking for anything that looked interesting."
"The people that built this place must have been something to have a collection like this," Crowley mused. "I haven't seen the text in use in a long time. It's bloody useless over the internet and people rarely send paper documents and letters anymore."
"So," Sam asked again. "Will you help us?"
Crowley ran his hand over the edge of the scroll closest to him. These texts were old. No telling what they would find in them. "I think I could translate them," Crowley said. "Not you though. They can only be read by a demon. That's why it isn't used so much anymore. It's a spell worked script that no one else can read. But, over an electronic device it just looks like gibberish. Then even I couldn't read it."
Sam exchanged a glance with the other two. He had already proven that they couldn't keep him from coming in. And, they could use all the help they could get. Kevin shrugged and Castiel only hesitated for a moment before he nodded. Sam could imagine what had made him hesitate. Dean wasn't going to like the fact that Crowley could go where he pleased all along. He certainly wasn't going to be happy about this. But, what other option did they have? He turned back to Crowley.
"What do you need?"
Duh, dun, DUH! Sorry to leave it right there. But, I wanted to get that in before the next chapter. I do have a definite plan for where this is going. Feel free to comment if you want.
