As always, the idea came from calysto-antonsen, JKR owns HP, and Rorschach's Blot came up with the Mr. Black spin on things. Overkill and Chris Hill were great inspirations as always, and the basis for some of the detail-work on Mr. Black's ever-widening background.

The reviews have been spectacular! I was astounded by some of the ideas you guys came up with, and I may (with your future requested permission) use some of those ideas to my own twisted benefit! I should probably thank you all individually, as I thanked the first three who reviewed (OOPS!), so that will take a little time - but that will come later. For now, ON WITH THE SHOW!


The ancient being seemed to survey the Akatsuki members with a merciless glare, that at the same time rendered them both helpless and spellbound by its pure ferocity and evil. Surely no mortal alive could maintain such a glare without their very eyeballs exploding from fear.

'Oh crap, oh crap! What the hell? What does he mean, 'placate'? I just want to go back to my nap!' thought the purported deity. In point of fact, Harry – otherwise known as the infamous Mr. Black – had switched to his 'Dimensional Response Face #2 – Glare until everyone runs away', without reaching the desired outcome. It was at this point that Kakuzu, still rather concussed from the cave explosion…and the subsequent explosions…bluntly slurred out the question for him.

"Wha dou yaou men, 'placate'? I'n no gite maney up!", expounded the veteran mercenary. The only word which he had managed to pronounce properly with the newly apparent additional injury of a dislocated jaw, 'placate', was one which he had intimate relations with (and would have liked to in a less-than-metaphorical sense, given his love for money). Inversely, in this position he wanted as much distance from the word as a shinobi could get; as they say in Taki, "A fool and his money are easily parted – Kakuzu takes the money, and the fool ends up dead". Financial affairs in the Akatsuki organization were for that reason left up to Kakuzu, as anyone who got between him and ryo soon found themselves in the position of the proverbial fool. His partner Hidan, contrary to this, had come up with an alternative as soon as he began to regain consciousness.

"JASHIN-SAMA! I HAVE FAILED YOU! ACCEPT THE BEGINNING OF MY PAIN IN RETRIBUTION! BLUUUUTTT!...oh…fuck." cried the shinobi/priest as he rammed his scythe's blade straight through his spine – followed by the uncomfortable silence which always accompanies what Harry's old friend Ron would have surreptitiously called 'a really superb balls-up'. Of course, given Hidan's immortality, the violent stabbing he inflicted on himself did absolutely nothing other than make a stream of blood fly clear across from where he had been sleeping off his shock to Harry's face, right where he had finished his 'dramatic pace' towards Kakuzu. At that point, even Itachi's famous eyes took a brief moment to roll upwards and then gaze pityingly towards Hidan.

Harry, broken out of his panic by the spray, quietly said only, "…These were my favorite robes…". In all honesty, he couldn't believe it. He had just summoned amongst some of the worst dregs of shinobi society, almost was flash-fried, and now they were impaling themselves for fun. 'Well,' Harry thought, 'at least that gives me a moment to think of something I want…bugger….hmmm…Oh! These were my favorite robes, and this is a Naruto universe so there should be a Konoha – the tailor I got these at…' and at this point, Harry took a moment to begin screaming; he had, at least in his mind, finally realized how the shopkeepers tied in to this 'now-obvious' conspiracy. Using their precognition, the shopkeepers had planned his interaction with the Akatsuki, and forced Hidan to stab himself – THEREBY dirtying his clothing, and requiring him to visit them – presenting them with the opportunity to start him off on a set of MORE QUESTS!

"AAAAAAAGGGHGHGHGHHHH!" came forth the articulate scream of Mr. Black.

Hidan, having realized that he had sprayed his blood on the being he worshipped, was currently considering spending the rest of what he believed to be his short life attempting to actually collapse into himself in embarrassment by removing all of his organs at once. At the scream of rage, Hidan once more gave the entirety of Akatsuki blackmail material by not only fainting, but falling so that the staff-end of his scythe gouged itself into the ground, leaving him hanging from his scythe like a twisted piñata at an Addams Family party. Sasori, now holding up Deidara as he paled before the wrath of the being in front of him, was caught between admiring the aesthetic senses provided by the puppet-like hanging and having a panic-attack.

Itachi, who had been joined by the crawling and whimpering Kisame (who was still unknowingly being affected by the tainted sushi), bravely shuffled forward on his crouched legs and stated,

"My sincerest apologies for the idiocy of your dis- [and it was here that for the first time in recorded history, the genius Uchiha Itachi verbally stumbled mid-sentence], I mean to say – our comrade; but you see, we are sincere in our desire to make reparations to you!", to which the ever-dependable Kakuzu added,

"Sa len – (cra-ck) – So long as you don't ask me for the money back! I've got stock options to finance!"

Kisame, whose cries of agony and diarrhea had been ignored until this period of time, firmly countered Kakuzu despite the fact that he hadn't really heard or understood most of the conversation due to his illness;

"What – GLURGH! – the he, hell are you talking about, ugph – GLARGH! – you, you idiot! Why…why would a god want money, to pay off his divine laundry bill?"

Kakuzu suddenly looked at Kisame, who then looked questioningly at Itachi, who was already blatantly staring at him, before all three then turned to look at Deidara. The first act that Deidara had done towards the powerful being was to throw clay on his clothes; from Deidara, all five consciously-present Akatsuki members glanced towards Hidan, followed by their questioning look towards the dark god…perhaps, they collectively seemed to be thinking, they could just pay his dry-cleaning bill?

Harry, who had the entire time been glaring at Itachi and was rapidly approaching panic-levels again from the perceived ineffectiveness of his stare, was entirely focused on pulling a relevant piece of information from his brain on the Naruto universes that he could use as some sort of placative gesture which would make them all go away so he could leave in peace. 'ANBU is the…something…squad, Naruto likes ramen…or is it DANGO?'; obviously at this point, all the information he had was not only subject to misremembrances due to mental stress – but also complete and total reorganization into something which had only the barest reference to the world at large. What he ended up muttering as he glare-panicked was,

"…Konohagakure no Sato…Hidden Leaf-nin…Tora…D-ranks,' followed by what he seemed to recall was the age of Chiyo-sama and her brother Ebizo-sama (who were Suna-nins), '100 each…'

Itachi's eyes widened beyond even what the Mangekyo Sharingan's effects did to his normal appearance, as he suddenly realized the full depth of the depravity of this being. There would be no bribes here – only pain unending. The Akatsuki-nin, though unfamiliar for the most part with Tora, were aware that D-rank missions were 'small' and 'easy', and breathed out a sigh of relief. Not so with Hidan and Kakuzu, for they truly understood what horror lay in the D-ranks of Konoha. Kakuzu had taken a secret S-rank pay assassination job contract on the Fire Daimyo's cat Tora – he didn't ask questions, and just assumed that an idiot willing to pay gets what he pays for. Even at that point, he would have preferred Jashin's fury to admitting his absolute failure to even catch the flighty animal. Hidan's problem, however, lay a little deeper than that. It had been assumed, by both casual observers and his own compatriots, that Hidan's love for Jashinism and death must stem from some childhood trauma. In fact, it began in the unlikely village of Yugakure, during its transition from hidden village to tourist village. Hidan had in fact been a newly-minted genin when he was first introduced to D-rank missions (as most nin are), but it had coincided with a sudden upswing in tourism that left every hotel in the village full – at the same time as the sewer system was undergoing major reconstruction. Hundreds of D-rank missions involving 'waste-disposal' and 'sewer de-clogging' piled up just as he began his career, which left him permanently scarred to the point of a phobia about the very mission rank.

When the village decided to switch to tourism completely, Hidan heard an entirely different message than the one given to his compatriots despite it being the same words – 'No more dangerous missions such as the C-rank border guarding, the B-rank escort jobs, and A-rank assassinations!'. To Hidan, this was filtered into his brain as, 'ALL D-RANKS, ALL THE TIME! SEWAGE FOR LIFE!', at which point he began to slaughter his fellow villagers and devote himself to a religion that he had barely begun to study in the hopes that he would be able to take only S-ranks and avoid the dreaded 'D' (not really comprehending that he could have just quit, or moved). Essentially, he went bat-shit insane…due to….yeah.

For this reason, Hidan's neck cracked upwards at a speed similar to that of the Beautiful Green Beast of Konoha, and his scream began even before he regained consciousness.

"!... WE'RE FUCKING GOING TO HAVE TO DO FUCKING WHAT?"

Omake:

The Village Hidden in the Leaves, often abbreviated to Hidden Leaf by both its allies and enemies, was not a place unaccustomed to oddity. In point of fact, it was considered by its neighbors and rivals as being at the least eccentric and more than likely entirely mad. The numerous doujutsu bloodlines, combined with the use of a civilian council (in what was normally considered a dictatorial system of government), for all practical purposes ruined the credibility of Hidden Leaf when it came to normalcy. However...the guards of Konoha were treated to a sight which even they, the lonesome ones who were forced daily to observe the "FLAMES OF YOUTH" genjutsu that followed the end of every Team 10 practice session, could not begin to comprehend; the entirety of Akatsuki walking at a civilan's pace behind what looked to be a teenager (or at least someone of that height, as they couldn't make out his face). What made the image the ultimate oddity and not an immediate threat was that the 'teenager' was consistently berating them for being foolish, while they each beat themselves in the head with a wooden plank


Well, this seems to be a promising start! We've only to let Pein, Konan, and Plant-man (as portrayed by Clark Kent) know that their suffering will soon begin, and start the trek...Back to the Konoha [village]!