I DO NOT OWN SOUTH PARK
Hey guys! I'm alive!
I decided to go with the Fatass, and well... It sort of went a little shitty. No worries though; I'm sure it's still fit for publishing.
Who should I do next; Butters or Tweek?
Ninety Things Eric Cartman Cannot Do;
...
1. Do not question a Jew who offers you dinner.
2. Kosher Jewcakes are worth every penny they're eventually gonna steal from you.
3. Because they're Jew-rats, and they are not to be trusted.
4. Unless they offer to cook dinner for you.
5. Do not comment on Kyle's lack of enthusiasm on having you for dinner.
6. Sheila tells Kyle to brighten up and entertain his 'boyfriend'.
7. Apparently, she figured that you can call two guys 'boyfriends' like you can call two girls 'girlfriends'.
8. It doesn't work like that, goddammit!
9. Do not let that boy down the street get to you.
10. What was his name again; Kevin Stoley or something?
11. You can think of much worse things to do to him than killing his parents.
12. Such as cross dressing as Princess Leah and knocking on his door.
13. Do not be disappointed when he retches and passes out .
14. You are totally a hot Princess.
15. Do not forget to bring your new favorite Brittany Spears album to Tweek.
16. For a twitcher, that kid is a passionate Spears fan.
17. But not as passionate as you.
18. Nobody is as passionate about Brittany as you are.
19. NOBODY.
20. Do not fall asleep in the presence of Kenny.
21. He likes using you as a pillow.
22. And even when he sleeps, he has a creeper face on and his 'grope' hands up.
23. Do not pull off Stan's hat.
24. He will cover himself up as if you ripped off his pants.
25. Don't even think about it.
26. Do not bomb Korea with your 'Terrorist Playset Deluxe!'
27. You will be grounded for a whole week.
28. Seriously, your dick of a pen pal, Yang Wao totally had it coming.
29. What right does he have to say he likes Brittany Spear's songs?
30. Korean poser.
31. Do not tell Kenny about your new 'get rich quick' scheme.
32. It involves killing him and harvesting his body.
33. And you aren't sure he's completely committed to the idea yet.
33. Do not try to sell Stan's gay dog to City Wok.
34. While they appreciate the gesture, Butters does not.
35. In fact, the weirdo was in his dog costume protecting Sparky when you arrived.
36. Do not try to buy off Bill Gates as your human slave.
37. The pros are a really advanced Internet.
38. The cons are Bill's constant speeches on his child life.
39. Do not take the last cookie from the cookie jar.
40. Somehow, that bitchuva Mr. Garrison knew.
41. Do not forget to put locks on your underpants drawers.
42. Stan had told you about the gnomes visiting him for the last week at exactly 3:31.
43. Apparently, they visit him exactly one minute after visiting Tweek.
44. Do not argue with Kyle on who gets the last piece of KFC chicken.
45. That Jew rat is smart.
46. And somehow managed to trick you into giving it to him.
47. Just like you gave him Aids.
48. Do not try gardening.
49. Clyde is a big fan.
50. And he has a method for fucking EVERYTHING.
51. Like, for instance, massaging the worms so that they have maximum soil fertilization.
51. Do not accidentally write the number again.
53. Do not skip numbers.
54. Do not write your list of things you cannot do with a pen.
55. Do not re-name yourself.
56. Nobody seems to enjoy your name choice.
57. Super Twilight Spears Fan is a totally liable name.
58. Do not visit Starks pond on Fridays.
59. Every Friday, Kenny and Kyle are sitting there.
60. And they're really fagging the place up.
61. Do not listen to BOTDF in front of your mom.
62. She fell in love with Dahvie Vanity, and won't stop singing the lyrics around the house.
63. You haven't gone a day since without hearing your mom singing, "Welcome to Candyland, you'll wanna fuck me twice! I'll be your gingerbread man; first time naughty, second time nice!"
64. Kyle caught you humming it at the bus stop.
65. And he asked for you to sing the lyrics.
66. And you did.
67. Do not be disappointed that Kyle was less than enthusiastic about you singing such inappropriate lyrics.
68. His face was redder than his hair.
69. Do not try Yoga.
70. There are several contortionists in your class to tutor you.
71. Unfortunately, Kenny is the only male one.
72. And he is super serious about it.
73. Like, he comes in a leotard and everything.
74. Do not laugh at Kenny for being a gaywad.
75. He will contort into a baseball bat and hit you.
76. Kenny is the king of all things rubber.
77. Do not say the obvious pervert joke.
78. Do not lick Wendy.
79. Stan lied; she doesn't taste like strawberries.
80. Only cheap makeup that's way to good for crack whores.
81. Do not worry about Wendy and Stan's small scuffling.
82. They have weeklong scuffles on a periodic basis.
83. It must be Stan's time of month.
84. Do not forget to hide Kenny's seventeen dead bodies.
85. They sell for two-hundred a corpse on eBay.
86. But your mom and her several male companions have been abusing them.
87. Where do they buy all that milk?
88. Do not forget about the thirty-two Cheesypoof bags in the pantry.
89. There's a Terrence and Philip marathon on tonight.
90. They should last you a good hour-and-a-half.
