Chapter 4: We Are Never Alone
The mountain facility that we use for high elevation training is actually a restored resort that a former champion ice hockey player purchased for his own needs, some time back. When he retired, he moved there to live and he invited both hockey players and figure skaters to rent rooms and ice time for their training. Because all skaters have some weakness of some kind, and mine has always been stamina, the higher elevation will challenge my body and give me a chance to become stronger. The simple, cold fact is, if I am going to be competing against someone who is over ten years younger than me, and who is highly talented and motivated, as Yurio is, then I need to push myself to some extremes to be ready.
Damn it, I really created a monster, giving him the Agape program and using Yuuri to motivate him, didn't I?
I know I'm about to pay the price for all of that as I pack my things, then take a break from it to video conference with Yuuri. I make the call on my laptop and Yuuri answers quickly. The first thing I see is Macca, who whimpers and barks when he hears my voice and sees my face on Yuuri's screen.
"Victor, it's so good to see you!" Yuuri says, looking to me like he's having as hard a time being away from me as I'm having, being away from him.
"It's good to see you too," I tell him, "You have no idea how much I miss you and Maccachin."
He frowns and looks more closely at me.
"Are you feeling all right?" he asks, "You look really pale."
"Oh, it's nothing," I assure him, picking up a hand towel and running it over my face, "I was just packing, getting ready to go up to our mountain facility. If I am going to be competing with you at worlds, I need to improve my stamina. I wouldn't want you to be jumping circles around me and making me look bad."
"Aw, you could never do that," he laughs softly.
"Are you warmed up?"
"Yeah, all stretched out and ready to go."
It isn't really the same, being so far away and watching Yuuri on a monitor. I would much rather be there, skating alongside him and being able to model things in person. Still, it's a way to be with him, even when we're not in the same place, so it's better than not being there at all. Yuuri is completely comfortable with both of his programs now and I find that there isn't much to pick at. He really has come a long way from that first day when I went to coach him.
"It's looking almost perfect," I tell him as we end the video conference. Just keep working on those few details."
"I will," he promises, "Take care of yourself, Victor."
"I will. And you take care of yourself and Maccachin."
"Sure thing."
He gives me a look that tells me there's something more he wants to say, but then he can't seem to find the words. I watch as his fingers extend and it looks like he's touching my image on his screen.
"I love you, Victor…so much that it hurts."
I have to close my eyes for a moment at that.
"I love you too, Yuuri."
I hate this empty feeling of being away from them. I want this time to pass quickly so that we're together.
I close my laptop and finish packing my things, then leave for the drive up to the mountain facility. It's cold, of course, but the weather is clear and there isn't a lot of traffic, so the drive is relaxing. It gives me time to slow down and think about everything that is happening. I'm glad to be getting back into training. I think once my focus is fully on that, things will be better. When I'm skating, everything always seems to feel better. It's always been that way. I remember feeling a lot of anxiety when I was young, because I didn't like when my parents would argue. Being little, it was scary to hear their raised voices and to see my father looking so angry. Yakov would tell me that all couples argue, and that I was just being overly sensitive, but to this day, I feel physically ill when I hear loud arguments. Even that once when I argued with Yuuri, I left, rather than to start really shouting at him.
I feel a little shiver, thinking about that, and for some reason, I have a sudden recollection of Yakov laying a hand on my shoulder and me making a sound like it hurt, then pulling away from him.
What was that?
Then, I'm not sure it is a recollection. I don't recall it actually happening. I just feel a sense of being outside my body and seeing it, like maybe it was something I dreamed. I don't know. I don't remember waking up from dreaming that.
It's strange.
But, maybe it's just everything that's going on. I've been under a lot of stress, plus I have been taking a new medication. I think getting away up here will be good for me.
My nerves settle again as the drive continues for quite some hours before I reach the resort and pull into the valet area.
"Victor!" the parking attendant greets me, "It's good to have you back."
"Good to see you, Maret," I greet him.
I head inside, and I begin to feel much more at home. Because stamina has been my biggest problem for awhile, I've come to the resort a lot to train, so I know pretty much everyone.
"Well," says a condescending voice as I head to the counter to check in, "If it isn't Victor Nikiforov…or should I say, what's left of Victor Nikiforov?"
The snarky comment comes from a male skater about my age. His name is Andrei Fedkin, and he has long considered himself to be on my level, although he hasn't qualified for the Grand Prix Finals nearly as often as I have, and he has never actually beaten me, except in a few individual events. He's a good skater, but he has more of a tendency to win by playing psychological games with his opponents. When I was younger and more vulnerable to that, Yakov wouldn't tolerate him being near me…but Yakov isn't here. Still, we're a lot older now, and even though I rankle at his presence, I don't feel intimidated by him at all.
"Lovely to see you, as always, Andrei," I say, smiling as though I didn't hear the insult, "I suppose I'll be seeing you around."
He gives me a wicked smirk.
"Sure. Let's have a drink later."
Huh. He must have seen something in the news about me being admitted for overdoing it in Barcelona. Of course, if Morooka hadn't calmed that all down, it would have been much worse. As it was, there was some attention at first, but it died out pretty quickly.
I leave Andrei looking after me and go to check in. Within a half hour or so, I'm settled into my room, a suite that overlooks the outdoor ice rink, where I will train when the weather is good. There is an indoor rink as well, for when it's too stormy outside. I can't help but smile at being here again. Despite the annoyance of that Andrei being here, everything else is pretty serene. It's not long before I've got my skates and I go down to take advantage of the good weather, and to get myself stretched out after the long drive.
I'm careful not to start too strenuously. It will take a few days to get acclimated, then I can push myself a bit to build my stamina. Instead of focusing on pushing myself, I keep my moves gentle and slow. It's so relaxing that it makes everything start to disappear into that good feeling.
I've really missed training. I wouldn't give up my time in Hasetsu, training Yuuri, but I didn't focus on my own training at all during that time. Whatever I did, I did to have fun. It was good to have a break. I just wish that maybe I hadn't been so indulgent that I fell into bad habits.
"You're looking a little shaky. Feeling all right?"
Doesn't that idiot have anything better to do? What, does he just watch to see when I'm here? I don't like people like him. They don't do anything for the sport of figure skating by interfering with other skaters' minds.
I ignore Andrei and continue skating gently until my need for food and a warm drink overtakes my enjoyment of the ice time. I head to the restaurant and sit down to a delicious meal. And while I admit to having a longing for hot chocolate with a little something extra, the chocolate is good on its own. I eat slowly, grateful for the fact that Andrei doesn't make any more appearances before I head to bed for the night.
With the workout and the good food, I start to feel sleepy, but actually falling asleep takes a long time. I've been having so much trouble with that. I look at the bottle of pills a few times, but I don't want to resort to taking them. It's only a coping mechanism and I want to get through this. I'm not losing sleep because of anything emotional. This is because the lack of alcohol in my system after I was used to having it for a long time, caused my body to want alcohol as a means of settling down. I get jittery and my heart speeds up. But at least this time, I don't start feeling nauseous, like I was before. Eventually, I do drop off to sleep.
But when I do, I have more nightmares.
It's really strange. I know that the nightmares are vivid and whatever is in them is scary, but when I sit up and I'm not in them anymore, I can't remember them. I have some recollection of screams and crying. I remember my heart racing so fast it hurt, but I can't remember a single detail. Again, I've been told that this could happen as my body struggled to cope, so it isn't cause for a lot of concern, it's just uncomfortable. I end up sleeping in a bit to compensate before heading to the ice for my first full training day.
I meet with a staff trainer, who is there as much to make sure I acclimate successfully as to watch me skate. We work slowly together a little bit on the ice, then when we are warm, we leave it to fully stretch out. The familiar routine gets my mind focused, and I barely notice when Andrei arrives and begins his workout nearby. He seems pretty focused too, and I can see that he has improved in his skating this season. He didn't make the Grand Prix Finals this time, but he does, I hear, plan to compete at nationals. That makes it worth me looking over occasionally to see what he's doing. It looks like he has a new coach, not surprising since he goes through coaches like drinking water on a hot day.
I turn my attention back to my own training and as the session goes on, I start to feel the elevation. I slow my movements then and let my heart rate drop. I'll push myself more later. Right now, the important thing is to work my way slowly forward. The trainer I'm with has worked with me before, so he's good at reading my responses. He'll continue to be the one assigned to work with me the whole time I'm here.
"It's looking good so far," he tells me, "You should go and have something to eat. I'm sure you must be starved."
"Absolutely," I chuckle.
I always get really hungry when I train here. It's cold and I work hard, so the hot food feels wonderful after that. I head to the café and the waitress greets me with a friendly smile.
"For one?"
"No," says Andrei, appearing behind me, "We're together."
He gives me that annoying wicked smirk.
"Let me buy you lunch, Victor."
I won't let him get to me.
"Of course."
I never stoop to returning the rudeness of someone like him. In fact, there's a strategic reason to sit with him and let him try to play with my mind. I'm savvy enough to know every trick he will pull, and I can frustrate him. Andrei's weakness is his temper. If he gets angry, then he skates with a lot less grace. His high distractibility during those times has cost him more than a few trips to the podium.
"Can I bring you something to drink?" the waitress asks as she seats us.
"Hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps," Andrei answers, "You want the same, right Victor?"
"Just the hot chocolate," I answer.
"Ah, being a good boy today," he chuckles as the waitress heads off to get the drinks, "Not like in Barcelona?"
"I don't know what you mean," I say casually.
"Oh, I heard all about your misbehaving there. But, you know, it's good to see you misbehaving a little again. You were starting to get a little boring and full of yourself."
"Was I? I didn't notice."
"Heh, cute. I was surprised to see you're dating Yuuri Katsuki. Can't say as I blame you. He's a good looking guy. Flexible?"
"Yuuri is a talented skater," I answer, ignoring the obvious nettles in his words, "I was pleased with his performance this season."
"I'm sure you were," Andrei answers, "So, is he going to join you here or was it just a one season fling? You don't tend to hang onto partners for long, do you?"
I wouldn't let this trash within a hundred miles of Yuuri. While I might not be overly vulnerable to his kind of mental play, Yuuri? Well, he's still learning to tune that out.
"You change them kind of like clothes, right?"
"While you seem to have trouble hanging onto both women and coaches," I answer saucily, "What happened to Alexi? Or was it Fedor?"
He flinches at the second name, because I'm sure all of Russia saw their very public breakup.
"Nice," he laughs, "Good to see you haven't completely lost your timing. They say that's the first thing to go, right?"
"I wouldn't know."
I get a respite from his games as we receive our drinks and order our food. He switches to small talk, obvious trying to bring my barriers down. Well aware of his tactic, I switch to asking about how his training has gone and what girlfriend he has now, then about his coach. The only thing Andrei likes better than playing with minds is talking about himself, so I manage to get through most of my meal before he starts playing with me again.
"So," he says, pausing to clear his throat, "I heard a little rumor and I wondered if it was true."
"Oh, Andrei, you know you should never believe what you read in the tabloids. It's funny, but it's almost never true."
"Is it true you're in rehab?"
How would he hear something like that? We were careful about that.
"Where did you hear that?" I ask, keeping a casual pose and looking into his eyes directly.
"Oh, here or there. Not sure I recall. I suppose it could have just been speculation or something."
"Well, you shouldn't believe everything you hear. Who knows? It might come back to haunt you."
He flinches visibly at that, because during one event a little while back, I overheard him intimidating another skater and set up a little payback that unsettled him and cost him a place on the podium. I usually don't interfere with other skaters, but I'm not above turning the tables on someone like him.
"So, you're saying you're not in rehab for drinking?"
"No."
I haven't begun the program, so it's technically not a lie. And, it is none of this bastard's business if I am.
"Would the two of you like some dessert?" the waitress asks.
Good timing.
"No, thank you. I'm full."
"Me too," Andrei answers.
He waits until she walks away.
"Probably good not to overdo it, what with you having taken some time off. Have to get yourself back in shape, eh?"
"Something like that," I say off-handedly as I stand, "Well, it's been a pleasure seeing you again. Thank you for taking me to lunch."
"Yeah, nice hanging with you. We'll have to do it again."
Maybe I'll order in next time…
I leave the restaurant and go to skate a little more, not so much for training, but alone for enjoyment. The air is very cold, but I like the way it feels in my chest when I breathe it in.
Maybe I will start sleeping better now. If the nausea is gone, then that means my body is adjusting. I did feel that little longing when I thought about the peppermint schnapps in Andrei's hot chocolate, and I do feel a craving for hard cider, but it isn't overwhelming.
What does feel like a weight is that I'm lonely.
I really miss Yuuri and Maccachin.
I pause on that ice, watching quietly as a man and woman pass by the rink, holding hands. I close my eyes for a moment, and I can almost feel Yuuri's arms wrap around me from behind and feel his warm breath on my earlobe.
"Hello, Victor, did you miss me?"
It feels so real!
W-wait a minute…
My legs go weak as he plants a kiss on the side of my neck. I turn and spot Yakov at the edge of the ice, alongside a scowling Yurio.
Which means that…
"Yuuri, what are you doing here?" I laugh, turning and hugging him tightly, burying my face in his shoulder and breathing in his delicious, familiar scent, "You should still be training in Japan! Why aren't you?"
"Well," he says, smirking, "Yakov said that his student was needing some company, and I figured I could train here for a little bit too…if that's okay with my coach."
"Is it okay? God, I've never been so happy. But, where is Macca?"
"Oh, he's being completely spoiled. They'll have him up in our room in a bit."
"Yuuri, you didn't have to do this. The long trip and time lost from your training…"
"Well, my coach said that I have things well in hand," he answers, "and besides, I think I really need to be with you right now. I know you've had it harder than you've let on. So, I've come to make sure that you have all of the love I can give you. I'm going to train with you, Victor, and you and I are both going to win gold in our competitions!"
"Hey, you idiot! Aren't you forgetting me?" Yurio shouts, "Ugh! You two are nauseating."
"Good to see you too!" Yuuri and I shout back together.
Oh, this makes things so much better. I feel a little guilty stealing him away from his own training, but…Yuuri is right that he is just what I need right now.
